To not tell sibling about DD suicide attempt

[SimSam]

Trigger
Hi all so this is a triggering question
dd was away at uni and made a suicide attempt start this week. ** She took herself to a&e was kept in for a few days. First attempt. No indication anything was wrong. We’re in good contact by telephone or what’s app every 1/2 days. Normally discuss all stuff.

Husband went to hospital and stayed and is due to bring her home. i have not told my 13 year old what has happened. I have said she was sick, went to hospital and they kept her in. I explained father has gone because she is sick and he will stay to travel back with her.
AIBU not to tell 13 year old?

** post edited by MNHQ as it contained reference to suicide method.

I am sorry about what you all are going through. I really think the only person who can make that decision is your older daughter

I wouldn’t give the details. You’ve said your dd is ill and that’s not a lie - she is ill. You haven’t lied, everything you’ve said is true, you’ve just not given the details of the illness which I think is fine.

OP

Mental illness is such a tough one and I'm so sorry that you are all having to deal with this.

I think you probably answered your own question in your second post - your 13 yo (why is everyone assuming the 13 yo is a girl?) is not likely to be able to support your elder child, even if your elder child were willing for you to disclose her medical information. I think it has to be something that your elder child chooses to share (or not).

I hope she gets whatever support she needs, and that you and her father do too.

A PP said you mustn't get angry, but IME it is ok to feel however you feel. You obviously can't blame your DD but you still are allowed to feel angry and scared and upset and a million other things.

My children’s dad made several (half hearted) attempts. I didn’t tell the children, they were around the age of 13 at the time. I know it caused me massive anxiety and there was a constant worry that he would succeed next time. I didn’t want them having that worry too.

This is entirely up to your eldest daughter. You cannot disclose her private medical information to anyone without her explicit permission.

I agree with those who've said it depends on what your older daughter wants. Certainly don't lie to her sister, which it doesn't look like you have. I guess at some point I would say to your elder daughter that you haven't said anything ti her sister, but will explain if she wants you to.

I hope you are all getting the support that you need. I'm glad your daughter did tell you what has happened.

My dd did this earlier in the year, we told everyone In immediate family. These things should not be a secret. Everyone knows to watch out for any signs dd is not coping that I may miss. Her younger sister saw the effect it had on us all and hopefully everyone would talk to us about anything rather than feel so alone ever again. I feel everyone is safer if these things are out in the open.

Sorry your going through this, it's taken me a long time to get over it. And yes I even talk about my own mental health and the effect this had on it.

I’m sorry this has happened to your family and I hope your DD will be ok. I would not tell sibling without discussing it with DD first. She should be the one to decide who knows. If she wants to keep it private, it’s very unlikely sibling would find out, so it’s fine not to tell them.

Hid the details for a while from my younger ones (11 and under) as the eldest asked for it. The youngest was in the house in the time and their dad had told a plausible lie as to what had happened.
The 11 year old worked it out eventually. All were living at home at the same time - and there are small age gaps.
I am so sorry for you. If your eldest doesn't want her sibling told then I would honour that for the meantime but I do think these things come out in there own time. My 11 year old was probably 12 when it came out and it had to be explained carefully.
I agree that it's worth finding help when needed for siblings.

She will find put one day or another. MH is nothing to be ashamed of. And it will mess her up later on if you lie to her.
all the family, friends and uni staff will need to be involved in helping your poor child get back to health. I hope she is ok.

Your older DDs decision, either way, as to who gets told.

I definitely would not tell your younger child. I’m quite shocked that some people would. This is for your older child to decide who knows.

I would speak to your eldest and ask what she thinks.

But in our home, it’s likely everyone would be told and we would support each other through it. We have always talked about mental health, and other friends and family
going through struggles. They know about self harm and overdoses etc. By not saying anything, it feels like a ‘dirty secret’. If you could disclose a physical illness, think why you won’t disclose a mental one.

Good luck OP. The start of university for these 18y olds can be much much harder than we think.

I'm very shocked and a bit horrified at the posts advising you to tell your younger DD.
This is absolutley not your information to divulge to anyone. This decision rests with your older DD, it would be a total betrayal of her trust for you to choose who knows.

It isn’t your info to share. It’s not your choice and as suicide attempts can come in clusters with some copying of behaviours it’s not a risk free thing to share. If your eldest wants to share then I would help support them both but otherwise it is the business of your eldest

I would not tell her yet, personally.
it’s a lot for a 13yo to process and worry about. I would wait a year or so, until your other daughter is in a better way.

I'm in two minds. On the one hand, it should be your daughter's decision whether you share what is her private medical information. On the other, if your younger child isn't made aware, there might be an occasion in the future where the 13yo doesn't raise a concern about their older sibling that they would have done if they'd known about the previous suicide attempt.

The fact paracetamol was the method chosen also troubles me. A paracetamol overdose is one of the worst methods someone can choose, if it works it takes a long time (days) and can lead to permanent damage if the person survives. It may be beneficial to explain to your 13yo the risks a paracetamol overdose carries in case they're ever in a similar situation to their older sibling.

On balance I probably would discuss it with the 13yo but it's a 60/40 decision in favour at best. The reason would be that if it can change a 5% risk of future catastrophe to a 4% risk, it's worth it.

Your daughter needs to feel you trust her, right now she is still so vulnerable. If you tell her sister that could be seen as going behind her back. Just don’t.

Your DD should be in control of the timing of when her sibling finds out - it may hurt her recovery if she feels that something else is out of her hands. I would encourage her for permission to talk about it, but make clear you are being led by her wishes.

It's not something to keep covered up forever though. As @Dotjones points out, there may come a time when her sibling might be in a position to sound the alarm if aware to take DD's words and actions seriously. Imagine how the sibling would feel if they weren't told the full story and later missed an opportunity to intervene in a bad situation at an early stage.

Also worth remembering that mental ill health can run in the family. Knowing that their sibling has suffered from mental ill health before could empower your other child to ask for help sooner, if they ever experience similar feelings. If you don't think anyone in your family has suffered from mental ill health, you're more likely to downplay your own feelings (we're all hardest on and most judgemental to ourselves) and end up spiralling.

PS Sending much love to you and your family right now. I'm very glad your DD survived and she will get the support she needs to get through this.

Don't tell their sibling. It could cause major distress to your DD knowing their sibling knows what happened. Leave it to your DD to share that information when they are older, if they so choose. And keep in mind that if you told their sibling, they might tell their friends and then the information will be out publicly. Please respect your DD's right to privacy (I speak from personal experience). I hope things get better for your DD and for your family x

This is something to discuss with the older sibling. But I suggest some ground rules, including that no one will answer with a lie to a direct question from the younger sibling. So if the decision is not to tell then, "Has anyone in the family ever committed suicide?" can be answered with a statement about all families being affected by mental health issues. But the question "Did my sister attempt suicide?" must be answered honestly.

Your older daughter needs to know that if her sibling aske her if she's ok, it's ok to say "No, things are not ok" and that you as her parents are there to support both of them with the consequences of what this answer means.

Absolutely not, it's your eldest child's information to share if she wants it shared. I don't think that the younger child needs to know.

Hi there, @SimSam , we're so sorry to hear this and we send our best wishes to you and your family from MNHQ

We also wanted to mention that we've edited your post to remove the mention of
a suicide method which we don't allow on the site. We hope that helps.

Just to let you know that when threads like this are flagged up to us, we think it's a good idea to link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Thanks I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking of that.