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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can someone make sense of what just happened...

31 replies

dazedandconfu5ed · 14/12/2022 23:08

My ex was having our two year old for two nights (tonight and tomorrow). He was meant to pick her up from nursery but said he was stuck in traffic and could I pick her up and drop her off (and hour and a half round trip for me). However, I agreed.

I got home and was meant to be having a very rare pamper night (eg washing hair) and getting a good nights sleep. He FaceTimed me at 7.30 to show my darling two year old sobbing uncontrollably for me. He then says 'I'm bringing her over.' I questioned this and said but you're meant to be having her for two nights. He then says 'what do you expect me to do? I bet you're fucking loving this.'

He then gets to my house with her and she is tired and hugging him. She then doesn't want to let go. He then proceeds to pick her up and put her back in the car then when she ask for me takes her back into the house! He does this two further times. When I say this isn't fair to our daughter he scrunches his hand into a fist and waves it at me (holding our daughter) and hisses 'I wish I could just...' 'you're mental' on the third failed attempt to put her back in the car I take my little girl and say this is not on and go into the house!

When I was with him during the first year of our daughters life he drunk heavily and would be physical with me (push me up by my neck) and just be vile! Hence why we're not together.

I can't believe how angry and threatening he was towards me in front of our two year old. All because she missed her mummy, which is totally normal! She misses her dad too! It really makes me nervous what kind of man is bringing up a daughter as he obviously has no respect for women. There was something rather sickening him holding our daughter whilst being so angry and threatening to punch me! (I know he didn't actually do this)!

OP posts:
Whattodo182 · 14/12/2022 23:11

That man wouldn't be within a mile of my daughter. Physical assault or not. I'd be filing for a non mol order and cutting him the fuck out of my daughters life.
So sorry you and your little one were subjected to this. Sounds like he couldn't cope with her crying which makes me REALLY nervous.

BMIwoes · 14/12/2022 23:12

She's clearly not safe with him and neither are you. I would contact SS and see if they can support you with supervised contact.

Amipreg1 · 14/12/2022 23:13

If I were you I really wouldn't be comfortable leaving your little one with him again.
Report him for threatening behaviour and tell him to stay away.
If he wants to see his daughter he needs to seriously change his ways.

Everybodywants · 14/12/2022 23:15

Report this incident to the police asap

biscuiteer · 14/12/2022 23:17

Yep you need professional advice and support. I would report his threatening behaviour to 101 and get your concerns recorded. Did you report him to police when you were together and he assaulted you? Just asking as if you didn't I would tell police that too.
Thank god you left him.

Bestcatmum · 14/12/2022 23:19

Report to police and social services get supervised visits only. People like this can really lose it with a child and that only needs to happen once to cause serious damage to a child. There is no way a man like that would have one second of unsupervised contact with my child.

TheShellBeach · 14/12/2022 23:19

I don't understand why you're allowing any contact at all, OP.

Violent drunk men who cannot control themselves are not good role models for children. I get the feeling that while you're angry with him for being aggressive towards you while holding your daughter, you're also a bit peeved that your evening of pampering has now been cancelled.

You should show better judgement. This man should not be near you OR YOUR CHILD.

lunar1 · 14/12/2022 23:20

Report to the police, and stop contact. He can take it to court if he wants.

Original poster
dazedandconfu5ed · 14/12/2022 23:23

@TheShellBeach he has stopped drinking in the year we split up and this is the first incidence like this since we haven't been together. I am not bothered about my 'pamper' evening I just wrote for context. Thank you for your judgement .

To the others, thank you for all the helpful comments which have make me make sense of this situation and the best course of action.

OP posts:
Stopthebusplease · 14/12/2022 23:26

I don't know all the rules and regulations when you split up while you have small children, but I would definitely not be letting that man have unsupervised time with my DD. He sounds dangerous, and how long will it be before her crying or doing something naughty, enrages him enough that he hits her. I'd definitely contact the necessary authorities in this situation, and make them aware that you don't feel your daughter is safe while in his care. Sorry I'm not able to be more helpful OP, but I'm sure lots of mums on here have experience of this sort of thing, and how to deal with it, so hopefully you'll be able to get the right measures in place to protect your DD from him soon, and in the meanwhile, she would not be going to visit with him if she were mine.

Icecreamandapplepie · 14/12/2022 23:26

Putting everything else aside, how bloody awful for a 2 year old to be out through this.

They won't understand why they are torn away from mum for three days 😢

Honeyroar · 14/12/2022 23:27

It’s a shame that you didn’t have CCTV running when he was there.

Icecreamandapplepie · 14/12/2022 23:27

I think your ex sounds disturbed to hear a toddler crying for their mum

biscuiteer · 14/12/2022 23:27

There's always someone on here who likes to rub salt in the wound and pounce on anything to judge, Don't take it to heart OP, I'm sure you have already taken so many steps to protect yourself and your daughter seeing as you are no longer with him. That takes courage, no matter what anyone says.

Shauna27 · 14/12/2022 23:27

Please do not leave your daughter with him. If he can do those things to you, he will definitely snap at some point and do something terrible to her. As awful as it is, I think the only contact he should have with her is supervised visits. Maybe ask if your parents could supervise his visits if you feel unsafe around him.

eelieza · 14/12/2022 23:28

So he was violent with you and you let her stay at his house
You both need looking into

biscuiteer · 14/12/2022 23:29

eelieza · 14/12/2022 23:28

So he was violent with you and you let her stay at his house
You both need looking into

Give it a rest. OP is asking for support.

Shauna27 · 14/12/2022 23:30

Also, well done for having the strength to leave this man! You are a fantastic role model to your daughter. If only more women could leave abusive situations.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2022 23:30

You really, really need to report this to the police and SS. You need to document every single act of abuse and violence from this man.

Fraaahnces · 14/12/2022 23:32

Well now you know it’s not just the alcohol that made him violent. He’s an angry man. Please report him. Your poor little girl deserves better and so do you. If you can have his access removed, that frees you up to move away to anywhere you like - you could have better work opportunities and a new social life away from his influence.

LaLoba · 14/12/2022 23:40

OP, aside from what he was doing to distress your daughter, your words ‘push you up by your neck’ really stand out. I think (because I was married to someone like that) that you’re minimising it to cope. He was choking you, and he’s a dangerous man. I think others will have advice on protecting you and your daughter, please see him for the danger he is to you both.
I’m so sorry this arsehole is in your life, I wish I could turn up and bash him with a frying pan, but back in reality, make yourself safe. No one should live like this.

Manchester1990 · 14/12/2022 23:53

Your poor daughter, she can’t understand being away from you for 2 nights and 3 days.

Ormally · 14/12/2022 23:55

Hells bells.

It doesn't sound like the drinking was what kicked off the mindset and behaviour, they were already there.

Things were going off track right from the point he got you to pick her up from nursery. He is manipulating and dominating both of you and he's successfully using a toddler as part of that scheme. If you cannot stay away from him, you need cameras at the very least.

kateandme · 15/12/2022 00:03

No op.this doesn't sound great.im so sorry you went through this.and are now left with the what do do do for the best mind fuck.id seek professional advice.
It sounds like he's a bad man.the drinking only agsasibated this?
Regardless of any contact violence.habing your daughter being around someone so violant in their manner will be so harmful.
Kids cry like kids do at either parents.for him to handle it in this way was horrid.for her.for you.
This isn't a one off.there is clearly past behaviour too.and tbh even this one event is enough for you to step in to stop this man harming your or your child further.

Cj19877 · 15/12/2022 00:20

LaLoba · 14/12/2022 23:40

OP, aside from what he was doing to distress your daughter, your words ‘push you up by your neck’ really stand out. I think (because I was married to someone like that) that you’re minimising it to cope. He was choking you, and he’s a dangerous man. I think others will have advice on protecting you and your daughter, please see him for the danger he is to you both.
I’m so sorry this arsehole is in your life, I wish I could turn up and bash him with a frying pan, but back in reality, make yourself safe. No one should live like this.

Yes, absolutely this. I'm sure holding someone like this is now punishable by law because it's been proven that people that do this are more likely to go on to kill. Please arrange supervised contact ASAP op, well done for leaving this monster.