Would it be unfair for me to tell my mum how Much I’ll miss her when she’s gone ? And wonder how I’ll cope

[Amiterrible]

or is that a bit too much ?
to tell her how I feel

would it be like a burden on her

is she unwell, is something likely to happen soon? Why are you wondering this now and what would you phrase it as “when she’s gone” as opposed to more simply telling her how much she means to you today?

Not really unwell just aging and I’m. Aware she won’t be here forever
plus I’ve lent in her a lot recently and I think would would I do if mum wasn’t here

I would struggle to hear that from my children.
Could you tell her how she has been the best mum and things she has instilled in you that you will carry forward.

If mine told me that I would hear 'I am frightened about how I will cope when you die' and would go into full metal foster resilience in my offspring mode.

And I'd also think that they thought I was dying.

I definitely wouldn’t tell her that you wonder how you’ll cope. You will cope and she knows you will. But, I think it’d be lovely tell her that you’ll miss her. Definitely say it at an appropriate moment when it won’t be too heavy. If it helps, my mum died years ago and was terminally ill beforehand but we didn’t need to speak of how much we’d miss one another. We both knew. I was strong for her when she was sick. I didn’t want her to worry about me and she wasn’t worried. She knew I’d cope and I live every day of my life trying to make her and my dad proud of me.

Just tell her that you love her.

Find a positive way to say it - what you mean is that you love her, she means the world to you, and you appreciate her.

This.

My adult dd is hugely reliant on me and we're extremely close, she's genuinely my best friend.
She is very honest about how she wouldn't cope without me, doesn't know what she'll do when I'm gone etc Tp be honest it terrifies me and makes me feel like I need to live to 120!

My Mom asked me endlessly what I was going to do when she was gone, how I was going to manage, how I would be able to look after everyone. She wanted reassurance that I had it in hand. I feel guilty now that I just said, we’ll manage, everything will be OK. I know now, I’m a bit older, that she wanted specifics, but didn’t really have the energy to push me.

We knew she was dying though and me and my siblings were only in early 20s, I was a single mother and she was a carer for my younger brother with profound disabilities, she wanted to know how I could cope with a toddler and suddenly a disabled adult to look after, as well. And looking after her elderly parents which she did. So I had to step in. I feel bad knowing she died without the actual specifics, she clearly wanted.

In the end I raised my toddler to be a lovely young adult, had two more younger DC, got my brother into supported living but still visit twice a week, and I cared for her parents until they died.

I just gave her platitudes. But I know now she wanted me to actually explain how exactly I was going to juggle all those dependants suddenly because she was worried about me and my toddler DC and about them all.

I’d do the same now, I’d sit down with my DC and a million lists and refer them to everyone possible for help if I was going to die when they were barely adult. But maybe that wouldn’t do them any favours, we all have to manage things eventually don’t we.

Tell her you love her. Tell her you appreciate X Y Z that she has done for you and A B C that you have learnt from her.

But don't tell her you don't know how you'll cope when she's gone - that won't help her and may worry her greatly.

If you are worried about how you're going to cope when she's gone then find someone else to talk to about that.

You will cope when the time comes because you just have to! Unfortunately it comes to us all, but just show your love and appreciation while you can…having no regrets is a huge blessing

Please just tell her how much you love and appreciate her now and how much you enjoy her company.

I know exactly how you feel and completely agree but I don't think it is nice or fair to phrase it like that.

A bit of tough love here; it's not all about you. Your mum has done enough for you. Let her die thinking she raised a grown up, not a child.

You can help yourself by building your own support network so you can support yourself, and her when the time comes.

@InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits your post brought me to tears. I’m sure your mum would be extremely proud of you and I’m sorry you lost her so early in your life.

This

@InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits

You've done an amazing job. Your mum would be so proud.

Yes.

What would be the point of telling her that, OP?
How do you expect her to respond?

You can write your own feelings in a journal if you want to express them for your own sake. But maybe start building up your own resilience, independence and coping skills.

I had the opposite of this. I was carer for my Mum and a couple of times she asked me if I would be ok when she was gone. I said I would miss her but I would be fine. That was what she wanted to hear but it was also true

I almost lost my mum earlier this year and have had to face the fact that this amazing woman in my life does have a finite time left on this planet. I would keep it positive. Just tell her how much you love her and appreciate her. Tell her stories about when she made an impact on your life (and there will be many!) but they can be kept light and funny and just give you both another time to laugh together.

She can't help you on these darkest fears so don't burden her with them.

Tell her you will miss her and think about her every day. And that you will be all right.

My late mother was never touchy or feely with me, I guess that's for another thread. But this kind of talk wasn't normal in our family and while she was in many care homes for the last years of her life, and while I was there every other day taking it in turns with my sister, this kind of talk might have freaked her out, we just got on with it.

That said, I say at one point, as I was leaving her for the night, 'I always quite enjoy looking after you...' in a light, conversational turn of voice. She responded by going 'Ah!" in a pleasantly surprised tone. I sort of borrowed it from Johnny Lydon nee Rotten when he commented on Malcom McClaren after his death, thinking back, the two had been sworn enemies for years, but Lydon said 'I always found Malcolm entertaining...' in a gentlemanly manner, not petulant or snide or oblique. It doesn't always have to be directly from the heart or gushing. You can just say it lightly, conversationally.

One time in October 2017 I used that line once again as I left Mum and she reacted in the same way - and turned out it was the last thing I ever said to her.

When my mum was dying I told her I loved her , not to worry because we would be ok and to go when she was ready. I do wish I'd thanked her more for everything she had done for me and been able to say I loved her when she was well. So get on and tell her what she means to you but reassure her you are able to cope when the time comes.

Tell her you love and appreciate her, but not how much you need and will miss her. It's too much of a burden and may make her feel guilty when she leaves you. Parents want nothing more than their children to be happy and live independently of them when they die