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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmother is such a know it all

34 replies

LoveCherryTree · 14/12/2022 20:41

AIBU to tell her how I feel?

It’s actually my ex step mother but we’ve always got on really well, she’s always been a bit of a know it all, but recently it’s just ridiculous, everything my husband or I say she always has an answer or she says things like “I did think that” or “I told you that” or “I did wonder why you did that”.

My husband had to go to London a few days ago and she’s said “oh I know that place well, I lived there, she told him he went the wrong way out of the station (he didn’t as he googled map it) but she was adamant he was wrong, she’s also a man hater and anything my kind husband does she always has to say something derogatory about it. I could go on for hours about all the things she says and does but I’ll be here all day.
She’s always got some barbed comment to make which is always passive aggressive. I love her so much, but she’s driving me crazy, to the point where I actually dread seeing her. How do you delicately tell someone to stop being such a bloody know it all!!

OP posts:
America12 · 14/12/2022 20:44

You're better than me I got pissed and told mine straight.

Astrak · 14/12/2022 20:55

I kept my mouth shut. My MIL was a neat/clean freak. She brought sandwiches with her whenever she came to lunch. She ate them before lunch - "I might not like how you've cooked it/there might not be enough for me". She used to leave most of whatever I cooked and gave it to the dog! Her son always used to make elaborate excuses for her. It was one of the reasons I divorced him.
I was brought up to eat whatever was put in front of you and thank the person who did so.

MrsClatterbuck · 14/12/2022 21:04

If she is your ex stepmother how often do you see her and why. Just stop telling her anything that's not her business.

Original poster
LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 07:58

I see her all the time, she has been my stepmother since I was 9 and don’t get on with my own mother, we have a very close relationship, she’s like my mother!

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 08:01

Why do they get so cantankerous as the get older, if I cook something in oil I should have cooled it in butter. If my husband left a light on it was like the end of the world, we had to live with her for a year, I still don’t know the right bin to put all the avocado components! I don’t want to stop seeing her, but she doesn’t half make it difficult!

OP posts:
EPFromTheStates · 15/12/2022 08:09

It's good that you were able to continue having a relationship with someone you were close to. Perhaps broach the subject by asking her if everything is alright with her, but ask from a place of love. If she asks why you seem so concerned, tell her that you're worried about her happiness because you notice that she oftentimes comes down on your husband or makes negative remarks that make you wonder if she's unhappy for some reason. Tell her that you love her and only want to see her happy. That could start a whirlwind of a conversation, so be ready for her to tell you if something is indeed wrong in her life or her thinking. If she says nothing is wrong, hopefully she will find your words insightful. Personally, I've found that know it alls are unhappy and feel victimized by their family, friends, co-workers, or life in general if it didn't turn out how they hoped, so they go out of their way to be right with information since they can't get their lives right. Perhaps this is why she is like that, but only she can tell you.

AlisonDonut · 15/12/2022 08:15

LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 08:01

Why do they get so cantankerous as the get older, if I cook something in oil I should have cooled it in butter. If my husband left a light on it was like the end of the world, we had to live with her for a year, I still don’t know the right bin to put all the avocado components! I don’t want to stop seeing her, but she doesn’t half make it difficult!

You didn't have to live with her, you could have moved out. She didn't force you did she?

EPFromTheStates · 15/12/2022 08:18

EPFromTheStates · 15/12/2022 08:09

It's good that you were able to continue having a relationship with someone you were close to. Perhaps broach the subject by asking her if everything is alright with her, but ask from a place of love. If she asks why you seem so concerned, tell her that you're worried about her happiness because you notice that she oftentimes comes down on your husband or makes negative remarks that make you wonder if she's unhappy for some reason. Tell her that you love her and only want to see her happy. That could start a whirlwind of a conversation, so be ready for her to tell you if something is indeed wrong in her life or her thinking. If she says nothing is wrong, hopefully she will find your words insightful. Personally, I've found that know it alls are unhappy and feel victimized by their family, friends, co-workers, or life in general if it didn't turn out how they hoped, so they go out of their way to be right with information since they can't get their lives right. Perhaps this is why she is like that, but only she can tell you.

As an added thought, the person who was the biggest know it all I've ever known is my mother-in-law, and it really irritated me. Then I realized that she is twice divorced, has weird relationships with all her children, is retired with no money, and she herself acknowledged that she has an untreated mental illness, probably BPAD since it runs in her family. No doubt she is a know it all because her life is messed up and did not turn out how she wanted, so she has a compulsive need to be right. Also, just as an added precaution, if you notice something is off with your ex-stepmother (in the case of my MIL, it was obvious), you may gently suggest that she speak to a mental health expert. Personally, my MIL refuses to get a proper diagnosis and treatment despite having worked in that field for many years, but her other family members have, including my husband.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/12/2022 08:26

we had to live with her for a year

Had to?!

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 08:29

LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 08:01

Why do they get so cantankerous as the get older, if I cook something in oil I should have cooled it in butter. If my husband left a light on it was like the end of the world, we had to live with her for a year, I still don’t know the right bin to put all the avocado components! I don’t want to stop seeing her, but she doesn’t half make it difficult!

What rhe hell, what do hon mean they get cantankerous as they get older??? And you had to live with her a year, was she Ill and you were there to care for her?

Original poster
LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 08:42

We moved to a different county, sold our house, had to move out, couldn’t find anywhere else, rentals were not out there so moved into her house, admittedly we all got on before we moved in. And I mean know it alls get worse, as in more cantankerous, the older they get, she’s got so much worse. She is three times divorced, her daughter no longer speaks to her, she barely has any friends and I love her very much. I just can’t see how a recital ship will last much longer if I hear one more time “well I did tell you”. She’s very hard to have a conversation with and I know deep down she has abandonment issues. I tried to broach the subject about her being difficult once but she just denies it and then I end up apologising. I also did the drunk “you’re a pain” speech, but again I ended up apologising. She’s passive aggressive. She may be my ex stepmother, but she is like a mother to me, that’s why it’s so hard.

OP posts:
Tinseltosser · 15/12/2022 08:42

She must love you.

She doesn’t have to be involved with or see you at all (let alone let you live in her house for a year!!!).

I have patience and respect for older family members who appear to ‘know it all’. Often they are (annoyingly) right, and even when not, they are just trying to pass on some of their experiences/wisdom.

If you can’t stand it/don’t like her then don’t take the piss by living with or using/seeing her when it suits, and tell her the truth or cut ties.

Original poster
LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 09:03

Does anyone have a kind word to say, or help? I love her, I didn’t take advantage of her, I help her everyday, I see her most days.
I’m asking for ways to deal with it, not cut her out of my life. Honestly Mumsnet is brutal, for my first ever post reaching out for helpful advice which is what I thought it would be.

I have an immense amount of respect for my elders, I looked after my grandparents in their final years.

I don’t want to abandon her because she would have no one left at all.
I’m just asking for advice to help!

OP posts:
Devoutspoken · 15/12/2022 09:42

I just give it back with a smile on my face. Interesting you say she's a man hater, she was married to your dad?

HeckyPeck · 15/12/2022 09:47

EPFromTheStates · 15/12/2022 08:09

It's good that you were able to continue having a relationship with someone you were close to. Perhaps broach the subject by asking her if everything is alright with her, but ask from a place of love. If she asks why you seem so concerned, tell her that you're worried about her happiness because you notice that she oftentimes comes down on your husband or makes negative remarks that make you wonder if she's unhappy for some reason. Tell her that you love her and only want to see her happy. That could start a whirlwind of a conversation, so be ready for her to tell you if something is indeed wrong in her life or her thinking. If she says nothing is wrong, hopefully she will find your words insightful. Personally, I've found that know it alls are unhappy and feel victimized by their family, friends, co-workers, or life in general if it didn't turn out how they hoped, so they go out of their way to be right with information since they can't get their lives right. Perhaps this is why she is like that, but only she can tell you.

I think this is good advice. Especially if you think the relationship will end otherwise. It's better to have difficult conversation with kindness now that it all to kick off down the line.

Ignore the people being nastt OP. Sadly it's like that on here nowadays. It says more about them that you.

ImAvingOops · 15/12/2022 09:55

I'd go with asking her if everything is okay, as suggested above. Failing that, try to let it wash over you and keep your husband away from her as much as possible if she's constantly on his case. Focus on the good - she loves you and was there for you when you really needed it. Living with other people is hard, even when you love them. But she did that for you.
You probably can't change her, you can only alter how you respond to her. You'd be happier to accept this as one of her quirks and let it not bug you.

Greengagesnfennel · 15/12/2022 17:53

My DM is like this op. She always has to be right. I find accepting that she can't help it means I can let it wash over me. It's a way of showing love which just happens to be a bit irritating to the receiver ;-).

I find it helps to just remember the best DM 'top tips' and recite them to my sister who has a good few stories herself. In the moment you are then thinking - I must remember this one (!) rather than getting the rage. I know she loves me and genuinely cares. She thinks helping me with a critique of my saucepans, choice of door, way I hang washing etc. And the revisionist history I told you so's - I know what you mean !!

Do you have someone you can have a wry smile about it with who also loves her? (so not in a mean way)

Nn9011 · 15/12/2022 18:30

I'm sorry OP, I imagine this must be quite frustrating. Is this something that has always been there and escalated or is it something new that's gotten worse in past few months? I ask because escalations in behaviours like this can be early symptoms of conditions like Dementia or Alzheimer's.
Quite often we dismiss older people becoming agitating or angry as just part of being old but it can very much be a sign that something isn't right.
Maybe worth keeping track of her behaviour and asking her if she's aware of what she's doing and if it continues maybe recommend she see her GP.

Bideshi · 15/12/2022 18:37

I'm old and I'm not cantankerous. In fact I was far more cantankerous when I was younger. My husband and most of my friends are old and none of them are cantankerous. One of my sons is quite cantankerous though......

Motnight · 15/12/2022 18:41

LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 08:01

Why do they get so cantankerous as the get older, if I cook something in oil I should have cooled it in butter. If my husband left a light on it was like the end of the world, we had to live with her for a year, I still don’t know the right bin to put all the avocado components! I don’t want to stop seeing her, but she doesn’t half make it difficult!

Maybe you got on her nerves living in her home for a year.

Original poster
LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 20:10

Jeez, what is with some of you people on Mumsnet! Why are you so mean? It’s so hard to explain the whole situation, but I assure you she wanted us there and we weren’t in her way at all. Have you ever heard the phrase “if you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say it at all”…….all I asked for was some advice of how not to hurt my stepmother, I just wanted to ask how to deal with it, I can’t quite believe some of the responses on this thread.
If I was your daughter asking for help, would you give her this advice? What’s wrong with you, you should be ashamed of yourselves!

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 20:10

I meant know it alls get cantankerous, not old people!

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 20:11

Yes, she was, for nearly 20’years, but no man is ever good enough

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 20:13

It’s just so cruel, I thought Mumsnet was for Mum’s/ parents/ anyone struggling with something and needing advice, the retorts are somewhat disgraceful.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveCherryTree · 15/12/2022 20:13

Thank you, that is helpful x

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