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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not stop DS from studying hard?

41 replies

Phineus · 14/12/2022 18:26

So DS1 is in year 11. He is currently doing his mocks and has been working and revising really hard for these over the last few weeks- he's doing around 3 hours of revision on school nights and 8 hours a day at weekends. This is driven by him- although we have always emphasised to him the importance of working hard, he is very ambitious himself and wants top grades.

DS is generally really hard working and tries hard at everything he does - he also plays football and goes to the gym and puts a lot of effort into these.

Dsis also has a son in year 11 (DNephew). DNephew is bright but frankly very lazy and seems to spend most of his time on Xbox or Netflix. DNephew asked DS over at the weekend to play Xbox- DS refused as he wanted to revise.

I now have Dsis saying that DS is working too hard and I should be encouraging him to be more relaxed like Dnephew. Aibu to tell her it is none of her business and if DS wants to work hard rather than play Xbox, he is entitled to do that?

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 14/12/2022 18:29

Definitely YANBU!
I would have been furious if my parents tried to make comments about my studying hard, let alone suggest other things.

CharityShopChic · 14/12/2022 18:32

No idea what year 11 is - assuming that is GCSE year?

3 hours a night on a school night - assuming every night - and 8 hours every day on weekends is excessive. Yes exams are important but so is seeing your mates, watching a World Cup match, watching a movie or yes, playing Xbox.

It's all about balance. Your DS is one extreme, the nephew is the other. You are both - in my opinion - getting the balance wrong.

FourTeaFallOut · 14/12/2022 18:33

I mean, it doesn't sound healthy if he can't step back from his revision long enough to go to see his cousin and play on the Xbox for a few hours on the weekend.

lailamaria · 14/12/2022 18:34

YABU do you want him to burn himself out

TheaBrandt · 14/12/2022 18:34

The boot will be on the other foot in August on results day. Dd1 worked hard - self motivated and driven. All 8s and 9s.

If he is aiming to do something competitive like law or the City he will need good gcse grades so makes sense to go for it. He has all summer to laze about and watch Netflix.

InTheFourthAtMalloryTowers · 14/12/2022 18:35

YANBU

My older DS is the same. Very driven and it has led to very good results.

Revised a ton at school, worked his socks off for his Bachelors.

If he is made the same way be grateful and leave him to it :)

Your sister sounds like she wants your son to do less so she feels better about her lazy one 😱. It’s not your sons job to make her feel better.

Radiatorvalves · 14/12/2022 18:36

That’s probably a bit more than my (quite swotty) son did, but not hugely. He still played sport, saw friends, played PS4 a bit.

Id encourage a bit more activity but don’t have a go at him for being motivated.

Original poster
Phineus · 14/12/2022 18:37

It is worth saying that DS hasn't been doing this amount of revision all year- this is during his mock period and he will then have a rest over Christmas before picking up again closer to his actual exams.

Most of his friend group seem to be doing similar- they have plans arranged for after mocks but all are getting their heads down for now.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 14/12/2022 18:39

I don't think it is any of your sister's business as to how long your DS studies for. Maybe DSis is saying this because she is panicking that her own son isn't doing enough, and somehow trying to reassure herself.
If DS is doing 3 hours a night, say 4 -7, he still has enough time for dinner, and to relax. I would though make sure he is actually doing something to relax, as I believe this would be good for his mental health and actually help him to work "better."
8 hours a day at the weekend sounds a lot to me. I would make sure that he doesn't drop his football and gym commitments as he does need a break.

whiteroseredrose · 14/12/2022 18:40

YANBU. Both of my DC were like this. We offered to do nice things like dinner out for a break but they said they wouldn't enjoy it until after exams.

Exams will be over and they can have fun then.

Ijuststoodonlego · 14/12/2022 18:41

I studied like that. My parents told me I was studying too hard and I felt like I was doing something wrong. So I studied even harder 🤣
I didn't burn out but I probably was a bit anxious about failing, which drove me to possibly overdo it a bit. I had the best feeling on results day though (all those years ago). What I would say is, it is important to take plenty of breaks and be able to still do some other things. Balance is key. At university the pace was similarly challenging so the previous hard study helped with getting adjusted to the work load.

Original poster
Phineus · 14/12/2022 18:47

He has kept up with his football on a Saturday and the gym regularly. He works really hard at these too so it's not a case of him just focusing on revision.

He does do a bit of gaming etc outside exam times but tbh he does prefer to do things he considers productive.

OP posts:
PennyRa · 14/12/2022 18:50

All children are different and have different needs. Nephew might get top grades playing Xbox all the time while son needs 30 hours revision a week to keep up. Both are ok as long as they are happy.

Original poster
Phineus · 14/12/2022 18:55

@PennyRa

The thing is I don't think Dnephew is getting top grades. He's at a different school so not directly comparable but Dsis has mentioned that he's not been getting the test results he's capable of.

OP posts:
Jellybean23 · 14/12/2022 18:59

Leave your son to judge how much revision he needs to do. And if he doesn't achieve top grades, he knows there was nothing more he could have done.

If you make him have more time off and he doesn't get the grades, he will always blame you.

Your sister should worry about her own son and not yours. She doesn't want your son's results to be better than her son's.

red4321 · 14/12/2022 19:05

Good for your son. My teenagers do a lot of sport so between that and revising for exams, they didn't have a lot of extra free time either.

His schedule doesn't sound particularly excessive to me and I'm sure he'll reap the benefit come results day. Whereas I suspect your sister is jealous of his motivation and trying to justify her approach by commenting on something she shouldn't.

The benefit of being a parent is that we get to make our own decisions irrespective of how other family members feel.

Original poster
Phineus · 14/12/2022 19:25

@red4321

What amount of revision were your teens doing out of interest?

OP posts:
closingscore · 14/12/2022 19:36

My DS was the same and it didn't do him any harm. He said it was less stressful to just knuckle down and make sure he was on top of his studies than not do it. He would get his 3-4 hours a day done by 8pm which gave him a couple of hours relaxation time before bed, and he was fine. Tell your sister to keep her nose out!

CinnamonJellyBeans · 14/12/2022 19:37

DD1 worked every day of the year, except birthday and Christmas, as she wanted top grades. DD2 did bare miniumum. Both represented their city in XC and athletics and had hobbies. I just them do what they wanted, pretty much. They both did well at GCSE and A level. You can't really force a kid of that age to work or not work, as by then, they've decided how important exam results are and how much they want to invest.

Just let your son carry on if it makes him happy.

Original poster
Phineus · 14/12/2022 19:39

How much was your ds doing at weekends @closingscore?

OP posts:
red4321 · 14/12/2022 19:41

For A levels, my son was working around the level you mention in the run up to mocks and final exams. But as he played school and county sports, it often meant he was working to 10pm. He probably did 8 hours on one of the weekend days, but had sport for at least a quarter to half of the weekend so also had a fair amount of time off.

My younger son is about to revise for his GCSE mocks. I'd say school (private/academically selective) would expect 3 hours a night but perhaps more like 6 hours at the weekend. I also know some of the hardcore parents would be pushing their sons to do more than that.

Honestly if I had a very self-motivated child that wants to study, I'd support them (provided it didn't mean they weren't getting enough sleep or had no downtime). Your exam results stay with you for a while in terms of career prospects.

Pumpkintopf · 14/12/2022 19:57

For a year 11 child in the run up to mocks this doesn't sound at all excessive op. Good on your DS for taking it seriously and putting the work in, hopefully he'll reap the rewards this summer.

I think perhaps your dsis is a bit jealous/ feels like d nephew should be doing more especially if he's not getting great results- and would prefer your son comes down to his level rather than working hard for those top grades.

Blanketpolicy · 14/12/2022 19:58

As long has he is fitting in eating, sleeping, a good amount of exercising and also connecting with and having some fun with friends then that great.

ds was doing 2-3 hours most nights on the run up to prelims and right through to his exams and because he took it slow and knew he had plenty of time it really relieved the stress as the exams got closer.

But do beware of burnout, I would encourage him to have at least one day off at the weekend for his wellbeing, or maybe just do a couple of hours in the mornings and get out with friends in the afternoons.

PragmaticWench · 14/12/2022 20:05

People aren't one-dimensional, it's possible your DSIS is equally thinking that your DS is going too far and also thinking that her DS is doing too little. She knows that if she's aware he's not getting the grades he could.

I'd say just keep an eye on your DS, keep chatting with him to make sure he's not tipping into anxiety. Some people are just more driven though.

Augend23 · 14/12/2022 20:12

I didn't do much revision in the run up to mocks because I was a teenager and therefore didn't think ahead to the fact I could be ill for the real thing. I instead thought they were a good opportunity to see how much work I needed to do for the real things...

I think that feels like a lot on top of school for mocks. He's doing essentially a 55 hour week + non lesson parts of school plus his school commute.

If he even did 2 hours a night, plus 5 hours each weekend day that would give him a whole morning or afternoon free each weekend day and would mean he could be done by dinner time in the week. It would still be an extra 20 hours a week of work.