Page 3 | To just want DP to put stuff away?

Monkeytrousers04 · 2022-12-13T19:02:12+00:00

He never puts anything away. Ever. Everywhere he goes he leaves a little trail of clues as to what he’s been doing. Making coffee - empty coffee bag on the side, coffee grounds split all over the work surface, milk left out of the fridge, cupboard door open from where he got his mug out. If he had to top up the sugar bowl then he’ll leave the cupboard open where the sugar packet is from, will then leave the sugar packet out, sugar split everywhere… it is never ending. He says he doesn’t see it but will often moan at the kids for leaving their shoes in the middle of the floor (he leaves his immediately behind our front door so that if someone knocks and I don’t seen them (dark shoes/ dark floor), I can’t open the door! I once came back from the shops, opened the front door, started walking into the house with bags of food in each hand, only for the door to bounce off a pair of boots he’d left behind it and it smacked me in the mouth! Split lip, blood everywhere. Laundry - he leaves dirty clothes on the floor, but also clean clothes and only he knows the difference. Eventually, when he’s run out of pants, he scoops it all up and plonks it in the washing basket. Correction, he might place it on top of the basket or next to it on the floor, as you know how heavy washing basket lids can be. Since the DCs came along I have lowered my standards so much, just to avoid my own brain imploding from the stress it causes me, but I don’t feel like I can lower them any longer. It’s been over 13 years now and I’ve just had enough. He moved into my house when we first got together and I ended up giving him the spare room for his stuff as I just couldn’t tolerate the mess. I would open the door every so often and it was like a teenager’s bedroom. He told me that when we had our own house together he would make more of an effort. That was a lie. Sometimes I can laugh it off, like now - this is intended as a light-hearted moan more than anything. But sometimes it really gets me down - like how can he care about me one bit if he can’t tidy up after himself (that’s all I’m after) to make me happy? I think about all the changes I’ve made over the years to accommodate his likes & dislikes, but he can’t do this for me?! It makes it really hard to manage the DC’s mess too - my eldest DD has adopted nearly all his messy traits and I’m so sad. She’ll kick her shoes off when she comes in, drop her coat on the floor, etc. I’ll ask her to pick it up and she’ll say “Daddy doesn’t”. I mean, what can I say to that?! Please tell me I’m not alone, and if I’m not then what can I do?! How do you cope?!

FetchezLaVache · 13/12/2022 22:33

I am very much like your DP and I drive myself mad, so it must be unbearable for any other poor sod that has to put up with it. I don't see my own trail of destruction either, unless I am specifically looking for it; I can't seem to tidy up as I go (I am autistic). DP is incredibly houseproud and I know it really gets him down, so I make a huge effort to be less of a messy twat. So it can be done!

The secret is, the consequences of leaving squalor in his wake have to outweigh the inconvenience of tidying up. I would bloody love to be naturally tidy, I much prefer the house when it's tidy, I want DP to be able to relax, but if I'm being honest, most of the reason I make the effort I do is because DP is a superlative moaner and I don't enjoy being moaned at.

LuisaAndTheDonkies · 13/12/2022 22:43

I feel your pain. DH was diagnosed with ADHD last year. Whilst I'm sympathetic to the challenges he faces, it doesn't change the outcome which is the house is still a shit tip and I end up being the one to tidy up. Clothes everywhere, boxes everywhere because he keeps buying stuff we don't need. His wardrobe lives in the clean laundry pile because he doesn't put it away. Empty packets get returned to the cupboard, so I think we have xyz but then grab the packet to find it empty. Every now and then he decides to sort out a room and empties it from top to bottom, but then doesn't put everything back and the family are walking around whatever it is that is left in the middle of the floor because no one else moves it and I'm waiting to see how long it takes for someone to pick the sodding thing up and put it away. Ultimately it becomes my problem to deal with.
I have enough teenagers in the house, i don't need another. I'm working on my exit plan.

NoSquirrels · 13/12/2022 22:49

In your description of the evening’s mess-making, it does sound ADHD-y in the timekeeping/time-blindness aspect - he should not have needed you to remind him he had an appointment to take DD2 somewhere, and therefore would need her to be ready by 5 minutes before, and therefore he would need himself to be ready 10 minutes before to assist her, and therefore choosing his preferred meal and finishing work should have happened much, much sooner without a prompt from you.

Being the nagging partner is awful; it feels shit.

On his part, even if there are reasons he will, as a PP says, have to make a huge effort to be less of a messy twat.

Original poster

Monkeytrousers04 · 13/12/2022 23:05

Flowersintheattic57 · 13/12/2022 22:08

My sister was married to one of these and I do genuinely think he is on the spectrum. My sister’s solution right from the get go was to say to him, ‘you can move in with me when you earn enough so you can bring a maid with you’. And she stuck to that through thick and thin, and his behaviour never changed one iota.
For example he still cannot make himself a coffee without leaving sugar and coffee spilled on the counter and then a trail of dripped coffee from the kitchen to his office. He’s not stupid, he’s a really smart person but he thinks about a million things at once and if it occurs to him to wipe up, it doesn’t stay in his brain long enough to do it.
Sadly, my sister died and he lives on his own now. His daughter says his flat is a health hazard, she won’t stay the night there and stays in a hotel.

Wow. This sounds just like DP. Nothing stays in his brain. Like this evening, he came back from footie practice and said he was so cold he needed more food, despite having had yesterday’s left overs before he left. He said he was going to make beans on toast. I said DD1 has just said she was still hungry so if you’re making some she’ll have toast. I said I’d leave him to it and was about to take DS up to bed when DP went out the back door to get some wood for the fire. DD1 had already said yes to toast so I asked him if he was going to make it or shall I do it before I go upstairs. He said “make what?”. So I had to remind him of what he’d announced he was going to do when he first got home.

I found a lump in my breast just over a year ago (all was fine, thankfully), but the thing keeping me awake at night until I got the all clear, was not about my own fate but that of my kids and how he would cope with everything I do (as there is so much I do that I don’t think he even realises). They would probably have to say “Dad, can you get us some clothes that fit please?” or “Can you go to the shops tomorrow and buy food?” or “Can we get a cleaner?”. It broke my heart thinking about it.

OP posts:

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 13/12/2022 23:19

He hates you.

Original poster

Monkeytrousers04 · 13/12/2022 23:19

LuisaAndTheDonkies · 13/12/2022 22:43

I feel your pain. DH was diagnosed with ADHD last year. Whilst I'm sympathetic to the challenges he faces, it doesn't change the outcome which is the house is still a shit tip and I end up being the one to tidy up. Clothes everywhere, boxes everywhere because he keeps buying stuff we don't need. His wardrobe lives in the clean laundry pile because he doesn't put it away. Empty packets get returned to the cupboard, so I think we have xyz but then grab the packet to find it empty. Every now and then he decides to sort out a room and empties it from top to bottom, but then doesn't put everything back and the family are walking around whatever it is that is left in the middle of the floor because no one else moves it and I'm waiting to see how long it takes for someone to pick the sodding thing up and put it away. Ultimately it becomes my problem to deal with.
I have enough teenagers in the house, i don't need another. I'm working on my exit plan.

Yes, we put our house on the market in the summer and he spent three days sorting our attic storage. No one was allowed up there until he was finished, I slept with DS to avoid the mess/ dust. He then packed stuff away so tightly/ neatly that he won’t get stuff out. He accidentally packed away one of the DDs’ craft boxes with all their sticker sheets and stamps and things in. When I realised, I asked him to
get it out for them and he said no, they’d have to do without.

My back door is currently blocked by boxes.

And the number of times I’ve not put something on the supermarket order because I’ve checked the cupboard and can see a box but don’t actually check the box, is crazy.

I have developed a number of exit strategies but never implemented any of them. Something happens like his mum gets poorly or the cat gets run over, something that jolts him back into action and I think, oh this is it, we’re back on track… it’s lasts a week or two, and then we’re back here again.

All the very best with your plans. xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Monkeytrousers04 · 13/12/2022 23:23

NoSquirrels · 13/12/2022 22:49

In your description of the evening’s mess-making, it does sound ADHD-y in the timekeeping/time-blindness aspect - he should not have needed you to remind him he had an appointment to take DD2 somewhere, and therefore would need her to be ready by 5 minutes before, and therefore he would need himself to be ready 10 minutes before to assist her, and therefore choosing his preferred meal and finishing work should have happened much, much sooner without a prompt from you.

Being the nagging partner is awful; it feels shit.

On his part, even if there are reasons he will, as a PP says, have to make a huge effort to be less of a messy twat.

Thank you, it is shit. I never asked to be the naggy one.

He is most definitely time blind. If I say we need to get this sorted before xyz he’ll say “it’s a two minute job” and make me wondering if I’m overthinking/ over planning..,

OP posts:

Greengagesnfennel · 13/12/2022 23:44

Op. I think people are giving you a hard time. I get it. People have different tidyness standards and you have recognised that your DH has lower ones so you cut him some slack. Meet in the middle type thing. Compromise is part of living with other people. But now you have two of them doing the same it is getting out of hand.

I think you need to recenter "the middle" between what you are happy to live with vs your DH and DD.
Can you think about what annoys you most and change things to help? Eg sugar bag out of cupboard - scratch that and have a sugar bowl with spoon next to kettle? Lower effort for them and doesn't need to be got out and back in a cupboard. So they can't forget and annoy you? Dirty laundry basket in bathroom?

ColdHandsHotHead · 13/12/2022 23:48

Teenagers behave like this. Usually, by the time you leave home, you've grown out of it. He hasn't because he's not taking responsibility, he's leaving that to you.

I'd start telling him 'I'm not your mother' every time he leaves stuff out. If it's stuff you don't need yourself, sling it in a box in a corner.

Everydayimhuffling · 13/12/2022 23:50

I'm messy (as is DP in different ways): it will never help to leave it for him to deal with the consequences. He won't be as aware of the mess as you, so won't be as affected by it. It might help to find strategies for certain things and to make him come back and fix others, and to decide which bits you can let go.

For example, everyone in my house has to put their shoes on the rack. They get reminded if they forget, but they all have to do it: 2 year old, 4 year old, DP and me as well. On the flip side, DP doesn't throw empty packets in the bin, and I've just accepted that he doesn't see them. I throw them away without comment.

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2022 23:55

Monkeytrousers04 · 13/12/2022 19:36

Sometimes I tidy up after him, like if people are coming round, other times I leave it as long as I can tolerate it and may point stuff out to him. I’m trying really hard now that DD is following in his footsteps to try and let them feel the consequences of their “messy ways” such as when they can’t find things, etc. but ultimately I end up helping them look for the thing that they’ve lost so I may as well have put it away before it got lost.

I do not know how our relationship has lasted so long. DD arrived three years into it so that’s probably why… plus he used to work in an office full time and I worked three days - so it didn’t seem to bother me so much. Then with lockdown we were both home 24/7 (I was on mat leave at the time) but because no one was coming round, I found a way to deal with it.

Now things are back to normal, I’m out of the house 1-2 days a week & 2 evenings a week but he now WFH full time. I leave the house reasonably tidy but come back to a mess! Even tonight, I popped down to get DS from nursery and was away for about 10 mins - on my return, every surface in the kitchen was covered in something. I had to tidy up some of it in order to cook tea.

I wouldn't have cooked tea...

I'd have fed the kids and me and he could whistle.

As he would be whistling for clean clothes or anything else I provided for him.

I couldn't and wouldn't live like that

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2022 23:58

Monkeytrousers04 · 13/12/2022 23:05

Wow. This sounds just like DP. Nothing stays in his brain. Like this evening, he came back from footie practice and said he was so cold he needed more food, despite having had yesterday’s left overs before he left. He said he was going to make beans on toast. I said DD1 has just said she was still hungry so if you’re making some she’ll have toast. I said I’d leave him to it and was about to take DS up to bed when DP went out the back door to get some wood for the fire. DD1 had already said yes to toast so I asked him if he was going to make it or shall I do it before I go upstairs. He said “make what?”. So I had to remind him of what he’d announced he was going to do when he first got home.

I found a lump in my breast just over a year ago (all was fine, thankfully), but the thing keeping me awake at night until I got the all clear, was not about my own fate but that of my kids and how he would cope with everything I do (as there is so much I do that I don’t think he even realises). They would probably have to say “Dad, can you get us some clothes that fit please?” or “Can you go to the shops tomorrow and buy food?” or “Can we get a cleaner?”. It broke my heart thinking about it.

Show quote history

Did you tell him about your thoughts? That you don't (rightly) trust him to be able to parent your children without you?

Have you ever left him to it?

mackthepony · 14/12/2022 00:01

Same old excuse, he's too intelligent to tidy up, heard it all before, chapter and verse

Wtaf. He's a lazy slob.

It's easier for HIM if YOU do it. Simple as.

Ruthietuthie · 14/12/2022 00:11

Might he have ADHD?
I can transform the house into a dreadful mess just by being in it. Honestly, sometimes, it looks like a hurricane has come through. In order to be tidy, I have to constantly tell myself to "put it away," "finish the job," "don't leave something messier than when you started." It is HARD mental work.
I really try, as I want my family to have a clean house, but it is tough. And I'm not messy because I'm lazy, more entirely oblivious.
If you gave me a small number of things that really mattered - for example, telling me that putting my shoes in the correct place rather than behind the door - I would REALLY try with those things, and could probably succeed, but it's never going to come naturally.
The best tips for dealing with this come from the "A Slob Comes Clean" podcast, but, of course, your husband would have to want to change.

tothelefttotheleft · 14/12/2022 00:15

sunshinesallday · 13/12/2022 21:00

I read your OP laughing because I understand. For me it is also the cupboard doors. I swear the end of me will be by decapitation from an open kitchen cupboard that I didn't know was open! Also the empty envelopes. Put them straight in the bin! What is he waiting for?

But, I stopped laughing when I read some of the replies (I didn't read them all). My DP doesn't do it because he expects me to tidy up after him. He genuinely doesn't see the mess and is happy to leave this trail and deal with it later. His brain is wired differently. But his later, is quite a lot later than mine. eg he might have lunch then get on with work, then we eat dinner together for example and his intention was to clear both up at the same time. It is just different standards I think?

It is really, really hard. I don't understand how his brain works. I can't leave a coffee cup out till the next time I make a coffee and decide to clear the other one up. He doesn't expect me to do it, and doesn't see it as mess. It is all a work in progress to him.

To me, it is 'work', so I want it done asap so my work is done...
how do we all learn to live together? Meet in the middle I think..

I'm trying hard. I have found that focussing on one issue/problem/irritation works better than on trying to get everything done. eg focus on clearing the table after the meal at that time, rather than that, and the coffee cups, and the laundry. little by little it helps and improves.

I also find, probably obviously, that when things are extra good between us I can overlook most of it, and when things aren't, then obviously it drives me more mad.

I get it, and I'm there with you :)

But he's not meeting you in the middle is he?

BronwenFrideswide · 14/12/2022 15:10

and told him I couldn’t live like this anymore… so yes, whilst I’ve not shown him that article, I’ve told him I’ve thought about leaving (with the DCs) or that he should go and live with his mum for a bit… I’ve also told him how it makes me feel/ what it represents when he doesn’t tidy up/ makes a mess.

And it has made no difference has it, he knows you won't leave, he knows they are empty threats and that if he shapes up for a bit he will fool you into staying. He's not prepared to permanently change his ways in the long term, he doesn't want to and he doesn't need to as you allow him to go back to how he always is.

This is your life for however long you choose to put up with it and only you can decide that. Being a better, respectful partner to you is not on his list of priorities.

fancyacuppatea · 14/12/2022 15:16

Leave him and the kids for a few days - they'll be fine, I'm sure he can cope with feeding them glitter and McD.

YOU need to put YOU first.

fancyacuppatea · 14/12/2022 15:18

If he won't do laundry, then you need to find your local household waste centre. Just bag it up and bin it.
When he's run out of pants...not your problem.

Same goes for crockery, cutlery (just keep a mug and a spoon for you).

He can provide for the kids.

WineCap · 14/12/2022 15:46

I would put a junk box under the stairs and out anything and everything that is out in the wrong place in the box, including coffee bags. I'm a meanie though.