To just want DP to put stuff away?

[Monkeytrousers04]

He never puts anything away. Ever. Everywhere he goes he leaves a little trail of clues as to what he’s been doing.

Making coffee - empty coffee bag on the side, coffee grounds split all over the work surface, milk left out of the fridge, cupboard door open from where he got his mug out. If he had to top up the sugar bowl then he’ll leave the cupboard open where the sugar packet is from, will then leave the sugar packet out, sugar split everywhere… it is never ending.

He says he doesn’t see it but will often moan at the kids for leaving their shoes in the middle of the floor (he leaves his immediately behind our front door so that if someone knocks and I don’t seen them (dark shoes/ dark floor), I can’t open the door! I once came back from the shops, opened the front door, started walking into the house with bags of food in each hand, only for the door to bounce off a pair of boots he’d left behind it and it smacked me in the mouth! Split lip, blood everywhere.

Laundry - he leaves dirty clothes on the floor, but also clean clothes and only he knows the difference. Eventually, when he’s run out of pants, he scoops it all up and plonks it in the washing basket. Correction, he might place it on top of the basket or next to it on the floor, as you know how heavy washing basket lids can be.

Since the DCs came along I have lowered my standards so much, just to avoid my own brain imploding from the stress it causes me, but I don’t feel like I can lower them any longer. It’s been over 13 years now and I’ve just had enough.

He moved into my house when we first got together and I ended up giving him the spare room for his stuff as I just couldn’t tolerate the mess. I would open the door every so often and it was like a teenager’s bedroom. He told me that when we had our own house together he would make more of an effort.

That was a lie.

Sometimes I can laugh it off, like now - this is intended as a light-hearted moan more than anything. But sometimes it really gets me down - like how can he care about me one bit if he can’t tidy up after himself (that’s all I’m after) to make me happy? I think about all the changes I’ve made over the years to accommodate his likes & dislikes, but he can’t do this for me?!

It makes it really hard to manage the DC’s mess too - my eldest DD has adopted nearly all his messy traits and I’m so sad. She’ll kick her shoes off when she comes in, drop her coat on the floor, etc. I’ll ask her to pick it up and she’ll say “Daddy doesn’t”. I mean, what can I say to that?!

Please tell me I’m not alone, and if I’m not then what can I do?! How do you cope?!

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

I often think of this when I’m tidying up yet more stuff left out when DH knows that I find mess quite stressful, sorry that’s not really an answer but solidarity

I am seriously the most un-neat freak non-ocd person going, but this would piss me right off. It's just utterly selfish not even to close a cupboard door. He needs a kick up the arse or out the door.

I'm hearing you! (But I have no answers!)

Most nights I feel like there's a booby trap of clothes/trainers on the bedroom floor for me to trip over on my way to the ensuite bathroom.
The clothes apparently can't be put away because they're too clean to put in the wash/too dirty to put away....so the only alternative is to drop them on the floor!

Any sort of cooking requires about 54 utensils and bowls, of which at least 48 are left out!!When I mention this (often) I get told he does clear up!!

So why does anything he buys automatically have to live on the worktops in perpetuity? Why doesn't he just put it IN ONE OF THEM.

Oh yes. Its like shopping Show and Tell!

There is nothing remotely lighthearted or funny about your posts @Monkeytrousers04 they are a depressing insight to you being treated with zero respect by the person who is supposed to be your equal partner. I couldn't and wouldn't share my life, nor have sex with someone who thought so little of me and he does think very little of you he doesn't care about the effect of his behaviour on you or anyone else in the house at all.

Sometimes I tidy up after him, like if people are coming round, other times I leave it as long as I can tolerate it and may point stuff out to him. I’m trying really hard now that DD is following in his footsteps to try and let them feel the consequences of their “messy ways” such as when they can’t find things, etc. but ultimately I end up helping them look for the thing that they’ve lost so I may as well have put it away before it got lost.

Stop ultimately helping them to find things, let them live with the consequences of their behaviour. If they whinge and moan about not finding stuff just respond "Tough, not my problem, I don't care" and don't care, they care little enough for you.

I do not know how our relationship has lasted so long. DD arrived three years into it so that’s probably why… plus he used to work in an office full time and I worked three days - so it didn’t seem to bother me so much. Then with lockdown we were both home 24/7 (I was on mat leave at the time) but because no one was coming round, I found a way to deal with it.

Your relationship won't last much longer will it? You are already starting to resent him for treating you with such contempt.

Now things are back to normal, I’m out of the house 1-2 days a week & 2 evenings a week but he now WFH full time. I leave the house reasonably tidy but come back to a mess! Even tonight, I popped down to get DS from nursery and was away for about 10 mins - on my return, every surface in the kitchen was covered in something. I had to tidy up some of it in order to cook tea.

You tidying up to cook tea was where you went wrong here, he knows you will do it so he just doesn't give a fuck about the inconvenience to you. I'd have gone ballistic and walked out and left him to feed the children, why did you not point out to him what an appalling mess he had left and ask him why he feels it is acceptable to do that to you?

What are you going to do now? Are you just going to live with this and become more and more resentful? You see how your daughter is now copying him, do you want a future partner of hers, or friends she may flat share/house share/share at University with to feel the way you do about your partner towards her? Relationships have to be based on respect for each other, he has none for you.

And he can help it, just in case he says he can't, he just doesn't want to.

Put it on his pillow. No matter what it is.

He says he doesn’t see it but will often moan at the kids for leaving their shoes in the middle of the floor (he leaves his immediately behind our front door so that if someone knocks and I don’t seen them (dark shoes/ dark floor), I can’t open the door! I once came back from the shops, opened the front door, started walking into the house with bags of food in each hand, only for the door to bounce off a pair of boots he’d left behind it and it smacked me in the mouth! Split lip, blood everywhere.

Even after you being injured by his utterly thoughtless actions, still he does it, if that doesn't tell you what he thinks of you I don't know what will.

I read your OP laughing because I understand. For me it is also the cupboard doors. I swear the end of me will be by decapitation from an open kitchen cupboard that I didn't know was open! Also the empty envelopes. Put them straight in the bin! What is he waiting for?

But, I stopped laughing when I read some of the replies (I didn't read them all). My DP doesn't do it because he expects me to tidy up after him. He genuinely doesn't see the mess and is happy to leave this trail and deal with it later. His brain is wired differently. But his later, is quite a lot later than mine. eg he might have lunch then get on with work, then we eat dinner together for example and his intention was to clear both up at the same time. It is just different standards I think?

It is really, really hard. I don't understand how his brain works. I can't leave a coffee cup out till the next time I make a coffee and decide to clear the other one up. He doesn't expect me to do it, and doesn't see it as mess. It is all a work in progress to him.

To me, it is 'work', so I want it done asap so my work is done...
how do we all learn to live together? Meet in the middle I think..

I'm trying hard. I have found that focussing on one issue/problem/irritation works better than on trying to get everything done. eg focus on clearing the table after the meal at that time, rather than that, and the coffee cups, and the laundry. little by little it helps and improves.

I also find, probably obviously, that when things are extra good between us I can overlook most of it, and when things aren't, then obviously it drives me more mad.

I get it, and I'm there with you :)

Mine leaves a trail wherever he goes too. After 14 years, I’ve come to conclude that he is not being selfish, he is just a naturally (extremely) untidy person. He does more than his share of house work, he’s a great cook, very loving and caring and my soul mate. The untidiness drives me nuts at times, but having lived with the wrong man for 30-years, I know there are more important things in life than tidiness, so I mostly let it wash over me. I do have a small blow-up about twice a year and we both accept that.

Mine is the same. Mess just does not bother him. So he isn't expecting me to pick up after him. He could not care if there were dirty dishes or his clothes on the floor.

It's weird to me.

He also doesn't care about decorating if it's functional. He would be happy with a manky sofa as long as you could sit on it.

Crackers

Oh god I was go bloody bananas with this

I hear ya. I’ve got one of these and I genuinely think it’s neurodiversity - DD has autism and also leaves a trail of destruction in her wake. It is very wearying and as a as tidy person, it is very hard to live with. As someone who always leaves places tidier than she found them, it’s hard to get my head round. They also both get so stressed all of the time because they can’t find things or even worse, have meltdowns.

I had to tidy up some of it in order to cook tea.

i would have dragged him in by his ear and told him i was going out for food and if it wasn't tidy when i got back i'd be going to stay in a hotel until I'd sorted somewhere to live. This is infurating, selfish and expecting you to be the adult here.

"daddy doesnt"

DO BETTER THAN DADDY

Honestly pick his shit up and put it in a box dirty shit clean shit rubbish included and shove it in the box where are my shoes in the box eww it's got coffee on it yes 🤔 and? Next time clean up after yourself

But I have been known to remove doors if people don't close them 🤷

I think you are right. He suffered a mental breakdown about three years ago. His older brother died suddenly when they were both in their 20s (20+ years ago) and he never sought any help of any kind at the time. He’s seeing a therapist once a week now after the last time I lost my shit - usually happens once a month when my hormones switch my filters off and my tolerance levels drop (I’ve posted about this before) and told him I couldn’t live like this anymore… so yes, whilst I’ve not shown him that article, I’ve told him I’ve thought about leaving (with the DCs) or that he should go and live with his mum for a bit… I’ve also told him how it makes me feel/ what it represents when he doesn’t tidy up/ makes a mess.

Yes, this. A thousand times, this. 😫

When I draw DPs attention to this type of behaviour he says “it’s a staging area”. FFS.

My DP doesn't do it because he expects me to tidy up after him. He genuinely doesn't see the mess and is happy to leave this trail and deal with it later. His brain is wired differently.

Mess just does not bother him. So he isn't expecting me to pick up after him. He could not care if there were dirty dishes or his clothes on the floor.

But in both these cases, when you live with other people you can’t just shrug your shoulders and say ‘well, it doesn’t bother me.’ You have to take other people into consideration. Or live alone.

Yes, he once told me he’d done a test a work or something and had come out “on the spectrum” as he put it. He is very clever, and is obsessive in some ways, just not about tidying up or seeing mess. I think I used to go along with the notion that we’re wired differently or that he just doesn’t see mess, or he was going to do it later, etc. etc. but then I think about the fact that he’s meant to care about me, my feelings, my happiness, and I’ve told him thousands of times and in hundreds of different ways how it makes me feel and yet he still carries on. I’ve said - if you are indifferent to the mess but it really bothers me then surely the default should be, tidy up so that it doesn’t bother me. He usually nods along. Like the post that you quoted - when things between us are good, it’s not a busy time, etc. then I overlook it more… when things are busy, like this time of year for example then it’s like my senses are heightened and I’m more bothered by it.

I agree with this.

You're basically living with three teenagers at this point 🤣 I would go ballistic at this, but then some of my closest friends are like this and it's not them being mean or malicious - they just genuinely don't think to tidy up after themselves (in a couple of cases it's ADHD to be fair!)

they just genuinely don't think to tidy up after themselves

Who do they think will?

It’s one thing having ADHD or ASD but the fact that they EXPECT you to clear up the shit they leave is a level of arrogance and disrespect that is insufferable. He might find putting things away a challenge but tough shit. He’s an adult and it’s not bloody rocket science. Like many things in life, he needs to work on it and grow up.

But then I voted YABU because you have enabled and pandered to it for years. So you are part of the problem quite frankly.

I’m not afraid of him in the slightest. He sulks, yes, and mutters under his breath usually.

I was stuck this evening because is was DD2’s footie practice. I’d fed the two DDs, he was still working. I shouted up that there was some food ready and he should probably eat before taking DD2 to football.

He said he’d be down in 5 mins. I said I was going to get DS and leave the DDs eating and for him to join them. He said OK.

I returned with DS to find him flapping that DD2 wasn’t ready for football, he said he’d microwaved some leftovers from yesterday as he didn’t fancy what I’d made tonight - he’d also brought down all his cups/ plates/ bowls that he’d had upstairs with him all day… I got DD2 ready while he ate and then they flew out the door!

I was left with the mess, and because DS wanted something to eat, I had to move some stuff to get that sorted.

This is what prompted the post. When he came back I asked him to tidy up while I put DS to bed. He will do it if asked. I just want him to do it without me having to ask.

My sister was married to one of these and I do genuinely think he is on the spectrum. My sister’s solution right from the get go was to say to him, ‘you can move in with me when you earn enough so you can bring a maid with you’. And she stuck to that through thick and thin, and his behaviour never changed one iota.
For example he still cannot make himself a coffee without leaving sugar and coffee spilled on the counter and then a trail of dripped coffee from the kitchen to his office. He’s not stupid, he’s a really smart person but he thinks about a million things at once and if it occurs to him to wipe up, it doesn’t stay in his brain long enough to do it.
Sadly, my sister died and he lives on his own now. His daughter says his flat is a health hazard, she won’t stay the night there and stays in a hotel.