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AIBU?

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Original poster

Children's Dad never has children if they're unwell

45 replies

ladybee2 · 13/12/2022 18:03

Hello Wise Mumsnetters.
Just wanting to get others perspective on this: I'm on my own with two wonderful children aged 14 and 15. I've been on my own with them since they were age 6 and 7.
Their Dad is supposed to have them one night per week and every other weekend.
Throughout covid he 'couldn't possibly have the children incase they gave him covid and he couldn't do his v. important key worker job.'
I really don't think that he wants to be a parent at all. The children and I have nasty colds right now. They we're supposed to go to his this evening but... he couldn't possibly have them incase he caught their colds and couldn't go into work.
He is always making excuses: such as his parents are dying and he has to rush to a different part of the country to see them at the last moment. (Needless to say they have 'been dying ' about 25 times!)
I really need him to step up to the mark and start parenting- instead of it always falling to me. I've asked him if he wants to change the contact agreement but he just won't enter into any sort of conversation about it at all.
I'd appreciate some advice.

OP posts:
Mamabear12 · 13/12/2022 18:07

Perhaps he does not feel he can cope if they aren’t well? Tbh I wouldn’t want to leave my kids w my husband if they weren’t well. And we are still married and living together. I’m always the one caring for them when sick. My kids want me when not well. Growing up my dad never cared for us when we were sick. But was involved other ways.

maranella · 13/12/2022 18:12

My DH is bloody useless when our kids are ill so I've always done 100% of that sort of care (or any sort of 'care' really). Your DC teenagers now though - is it really such a chore to have to 'care' for them when they have colds? My 15 and 11-year-olds both have colds atm and it's a case of buying industrial quantities of tissues and making a decision about whether they're well enough to go to school. If no, then they can have a day at home. Console yourself with the knowledge that as they get older and more aware they'll figure out who was there for them when they were little or ill. You were there. That's the important thing Flowers

Coffeepot72 · 13/12/2022 18:12

Would your children really want to be anywhere other than home with Mum if they’re ill?

quietnightmare · 13/12/2022 18:17

Wouldn't bother making the teens get up and go to their dads when they are ill and spreading it to him so everyone suffers. Get on the sofa you lot and watch some movies and relax. Soon they will be gone and you won't get to do that anymore

JennyForeigner · 13/12/2022 18:20

Coffeepot72 · 13/12/2022 18:12

Would your children really want to be anywhere other than home with Mum if they’re ill?

Does 'mum' not have to work then? Pay bills? Stick to the custody agreement even when they can barely stand?

The 'oh well, the kids would want mum anyway' is just internalised misogyny. If you follow that logic to the absolute conclusion, no woman would ever be in work!

SpinningFloppa · 13/12/2022 18:21

Can’t force him, my ex isn’t around but when he was he wouldn’t have them if he/they were unwell, he would cancel if they had a cold or if he did

Coffeepot72 · 13/12/2022 18:22

The 'oh well, the kids would want mum anyway' is just internalised misogyny.

@JennyForeigner rubbish, when I was ill as a child I wanted mum. Not dad.

Original poster
ladybee2 · 13/12/2022 18:26

The thing is that I work too ( also a key worker), but my job doesn't matter according to him.

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 13/12/2022 18:27

If the children are 14 and 15 it's totally up to them whether they see there dad or not.

I think you need to reframe this in your mind. They don't need a babysitter and the relationship they have with their dad is there's to manage now.

JennyForeigner · 13/12/2022 18:28

Coffeepot72 · 13/12/2022 18:22

The 'oh well, the kids would want mum anyway' is just internalised misogyny.

@JennyForeigner rubbish, when I was ill as a child I wanted mum. Not dad.

OK Phylis Shafly

SpinningFloppa · 13/12/2022 18:30

Do they need babysitting at that age surely 14/15 year olds can stay home whilst you work or do they have sen?

amylou8 · 13/12/2022 18:31

It does seem daft to spread the germs if it's not necessary, it's not like you need the childcare at 14 and 15. Although taken in the wider context he does sound pretty useless. At that age mine were arranging their own contact with their dad.

FurAndFeathers · 13/12/2022 18:34

Coffeepot72 · 13/12/2022 18:22

The 'oh well, the kids would want mum anyway' is just internalised misogyny.

@JennyForeigner rubbish, when I was ill as a child I wanted mum. Not dad.

kids can’t always have what they want and yes it’s absolutely misogynist to suggest that only mothers should be caregivers to sick children and risk their jobs to do so.

StickyCricket · 13/12/2022 18:34

The time to address this was when they were age 6 and 7 and needed looking after. Not now they're old enough to be left home alone.

Let the children sort it out contact direct with him and start claiming maintenance as if they're with you full time.

Original poster
ladybee2 · 13/12/2022 18:42

Out of interest- when the children were younger, would you expect the Mother to take the time off work to look after the children, and not the Father??

OP posts:
worstusernameeverx2 · 13/12/2022 23:14

Mamabear12 · 13/12/2022 18:07

Perhaps he does not feel he can cope if they aren’t well? Tbh I wouldn’t want to leave my kids w my husband if they weren’t well. And we are still married and living together. I’m always the one caring for them when sick. My kids want me when not well. Growing up my dad never cared for us when we were sick. But was involved other ways.

Jesus Christ

worstusernameeverx2 · 13/12/2022 23:15

The misogyny on this thread is terrifying... coming from women as well ?!

Saracen · 13/12/2022 23:57

Well... I can sort of see the point in avoiding spreading a nasty cold around unnecessarily.

Which is why - though I hate to wish illness on your teens - I'd pay good money to see his face if ever they came down with something while staying at their dad's house and you announced firmly that it was out of the question for them to return to yours until they were quite well.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2022 00:07

JennyForeigner · 13/12/2022 18:20

Does 'mum' not have to work then? Pay bills? Stick to the custody agreement even when they can barely stand?

The 'oh well, the kids would want mum anyway' is just internalised misogyny. If you follow that logic to the absolute conclusion, no woman would ever be in work!

Show quote history

They don't need her to be around - they're 14 and 15. However if they feel that house is their proper home then they'd probably rather be there when poorly. And the OP is more likely to have 'supplies' in for them as he's never shown much of an interest

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2022 00:09

ladybee2 · 13/12/2022 18:42

Out of interest- when the children were younger, would you expect the Mother to take the time off work to look after the children, and not the Father??

Depends on the individuals.

My DH would have been ok (he's the one they woke up at night!) But it would have been me when they were really little

Mydogatemypurse · 14/12/2022 00:29

Mine stay with me if unwell. He cant cope and is too selfish to be inconvenienced.
If im unwell he refuses to take them as he says i made my bed and these are the repercussions. A kidney infection during covid lockdowm and two bored and hyper boys was utter hell. I had to get a volunteer at the church to pick up my anti biotics for me.

Mydogatemypurse · 14/12/2022 00:31

ladybee2 · 13/12/2022 18:42

Out of interest- when the children were younger, would you expect the Mother to take the time off work to look after the children, and not the Father??

I always had to. His low level local gov job was far to important and clearly couldnt function without him

JassyRadlett · 14/12/2022 00:35

Coffeepot72 · 13/12/2022 18:22

The 'oh well, the kids would want mum anyway' is just internalised misogyny.

@JennyForeigner rubbish, when I was ill as a child I wanted mum. Not dad.

Interesting to actually reflect on why that was.

abblie · 14/12/2022 00:50

My partner is like this he can't deal with anyone being sick he really doesn't know what to do or how to help and he never seems to get sick no cold or man flu it's rely weird

JockTamsonsBairns · 14/12/2022 01:20

JennyForeigner · 13/12/2022 18:20

Does 'mum' not have to work then? Pay bills? Stick to the custody agreement even when they can barely stand?

The 'oh well, the kids would want mum anyway' is just internalised misogyny. If you follow that logic to the absolute conclusion, no woman would ever be in work!

Show quote history

"Can barely stand"? This is hyperbole surely?

When my teens have a cold, or are unwell in some way, they're home alone. Happy enough to be vegetating under their duvets, and they know where the toaster is.

I must be a pretty crap mum by MN standards, as I wouldn't be taking time off work for it, and neither would their dad.

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