Children's Dad never has children if they're unwell

[ladybee2]

Hello Wise Mumsnetters.
Just wanting to get others perspective on this: I'm on my own with two wonderful children aged 14 and 15. I've been on my own with them since they were age 6 and 7.
Their Dad is supposed to have them one night per week and every other weekend.
Throughout covid he 'couldn't possibly have the children incase they gave him covid and he couldn't do his v. important key worker job.'
I really don't think that he wants to be a parent at all. The children and I have nasty colds right now. They we're supposed to go to his this evening but... he couldn't possibly have them incase he caught their colds and couldn't go into work.
He is always making excuses: such as his parents are dying and he has to rush to a different part of the country to see them at the last moment. (Needless to say they have 'been dying ' about 25 times!)
I really need him to step up to the mark and start parenting- instead of it always falling to me. I've asked him if he wants to change the contact agreement but he just won't enter into any sort of conversation about it at all.
I'd appreciate some advice.

Mothers end up being the default parent. We're not as good at holding out in the game of who will bend first. There is an internalised and externalised misogyny to it but the stakes are often too high when it comes to fighting it. Are we really going to leave our children with men who aren't willing to care for their own children? However the attitude erodes respect and leads to a lot of marriage break down, failing careers (or just not going as far or as fast).

Leaving aside the things the OP hasn't said and neither as far as we know, has her ex...

If they aren't well, (and with colds at 14 and 15 we're obviously not talking about "needing mummy" or any kind of care other than a lemsip and a hot water bottle presumably) they probably don't want to be getting all their stuff ready and going over to dad's for one night.

It's also fairly sensible to try and not spread germs. If it was a situation where I was visiting someone I hadn't seen for years and I had a cold, I'd probably go. If it was someone I saw every Wednesday I'd probably not.

Re: Covid. So they didn't stay with their father for, what? 18 months? Or 6 weeks? Or something in-between? "During Covid" is a bit vague.

The deprecation of the husband's concern about his parents' health is very telling.

There'll be two sides to this one.

My ex didn't have to dc when they were ill, when he was ill, when his wife was ill, when his younger dc were ill or when his step dc were ill. Supposedly so they don't spread germs/ he can't cope when he's ill.
(Ill in this case included everything from headache to vomiting bug. Obviously I can see the sense in a child with V&D staying in their main home in bed, but a mild cold? Ffs)

He also didn't see them at all during covid because "Boris made it illegal"

Oh, and he can't see them at Christmas because his wife's uncle died 'near' Christmas one year and she misses him.

Oddly enough it was deemed acceptable for me to catch every bug they bought home (I worked full time, ex didn't work at all so actually me being ill/ having sick dc to look after was more disruptive to me than him).
And my Grandma died just after Christmas. I miss her so much, yet oddly still manage to be a parent.

Conclusion? Some men are shit and use any excuse not to be a parent.

Im really surprised by some of these responses! Assuming the children aren't bedridden and are feeling up to going to dad's I don't see why they shouldn't!

OP it sounds like you're on your own. Make sure maintenance is adjusted accordingly if he keeps not taking them when he said he would.

Covid sure. A cold..no.

I wouldn't want to catch or spread a nasty cold if it could be avoided. And I'd be surprised if any child would want to leave the comfort of home when they're feeling grotty. So I agree with your ex on this. He just happens to be right this time, even if he is generally a crap dad. Surely they are old enough to stay home now, even if you need to work?

Not wanting them there when they 'might' give him Covid was ridiculous, assuming they had no symptoms and were acting and feeling normal. And the 'dying parents' routine happening so regularly, would suggest he's just looking for excuses. I think, at 14 and 15, your children are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to spend time with their dad. Have they expressed an opinion on this? If he really can't be arsed having them there, I'd be surprised if they aren't feeling rejected. Sadly, you can't make him a better dad.

OP was clear that she is expected to parent through illness mild and serious, that this has been the case for years, and that it has had a substantial impact. The PP to whom this was a response generalised about sick children needing mum.

Rereading OP as a moaner complaining about one cold, one time and anyway you would cope is to minimise discussion of the general expectation that women provide default care.

But you know, five patriarchy points and a cookie.

Oh, and as a pp said, it works both ways. If they catch an illness at his house, they should stay there - to avoid passing it on of course.

Is the issue that they want to go and he doesn’t want them, or that you want a break OP? It’s not clear.

Do they want to go out with bad colds?

They don’t need childcare at 14/15

I hope he's an ex!!

Are maintenance payments increased during these swathes of time when he's not bothering to see his kids OP?

I’m genuinely gobsmacked. What the fucking fuck???

No they're not. He won't enter into any sort of conversation about it at all.

At 14 and 15 they should be OK on their own when a bit poorly anyway (although maybe not a high fever). And who would want to travel when ill? I wouldn't leave my house.

Your ex is a dick and at this stage the dc's shouldn't have to see him if they don't want to.

Op I get it, even though they’re teenagers now, you’ve probably been having days off to care them their whole life because their dad believes his career is more important than yours.

I think I'd just apply for a variation in maintenance to reflect how often he actually has them.

Yes your ex is rubbish. But it’s hard to blame him when so many women on here also think that kids just want their mum when they are ill.
My partner has his daughter 50/50 and is very competent at looking after her needs when she is ill. Being self-employed he loses income if he has to look after her but he does it, as that’s his role. And as far as I can see, she feels loved and tenderly cared for.

Yes, just do this. Work out how many days he's not had them in the last year - email first and if he doesn't respond just get more maintenance to cover it.

DSS has been forced by the ex to come to us when he’s really ill (like last weekend) He just stayed in his bedroom in bed looking terrible whilst we dosed him up on lemsip and treats as he didn’t want to eat proper food, which is unlike him. He actually said he had wanted to stay at home as the drive to ours is an hour and he loves his bed. Sometimes the staying at home comes from the child, not the adult. They stay where they feel most comfortable.

Unfortunately this is spot on.