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Original poster

Have a babysitter / nanny on weekends during the day ?

53 replies

flas · 13/12/2022 17:16

I wrote the other day about just how burnt out I am...

And how burnt out my H is too. He has a brutal work schedule, I'm on leave at the moment with small baby and toddler at home. H is self employed and has one day off a week if lucky. So pretty much everything to do with the kids and the house is mostly my problem day in day out, because he's simply not here. Night time of course is also my problem, because he is up very early for work and comes back late, so it's just not fair to expect him to get up.

On his one day off, he sleeps in, but then I kind of want him to be with us for that day, as it's the only day we have together. Sometimes we have plans, but sometimes we just stay home and we fight about the fact that he's always needing to nip off to get stuff done and I'm left again, alone with the kids. Really, no matter what we do, whether we are home or we've made plans, he always talks about the fact that garage needs sorting and garden needs sorting etc etc. these things are things that do need to be done sometimes of course. He also complains he has other work to do, but I force him to just stay with us. He's wasting his time apparently, just hanging out with us.. I'm resentful because I get no rest or break and I'm constantly angry because he disappears.

So it came to me that I just need to organise a mothers help/ nanny / baby sitter for the day he's off. ( and perhaps the other weekend day too ). He doesn't like it because we will have someone in the house, but at least he can go off and do what he wants and I'll have someone to help me a bit with the kids and he can pop in and out. Am I right in that we can't have everything ? Something has to give. It may be the privacy thing and of course we will have to pay for it, but perhaps we will all be more relaxed. As it is, I actually dread it when he's home, because I resent him for wanting to go off the whole time. Does anyone else have a similar problem ? Did a nanny / baby sitter help make you more happy ? Thank you

OP posts:
EndlessRain1 · 13/12/2022 17:19

well, I think I would feel like your DH and like it would be pretty intrusive to have someone in the house with you all. but I guess it depends how big your house is....

America12 · 13/12/2022 17:19

Can't you outsource jobs during the week so he doesn't have to spend his days off doing things ? Eg the garden.

123rd · 13/12/2022 17:22

Sorry, why can't you get help during the week ? So you get jobs done that need to be done and at the wkends you can then spend more quality time with your family together instead of you both stressing about it

NumberTheory · 13/12/2022 17:23

I think it’s a much bigger issue that your DH apparently has no relationship with your children. Seems like, if you’re going to hire someone in, it would be better to hire them to do some of the “jobs” that need doing to free up quality time for him to spend with his kids, at least some of which should be without you around.

OkPedro · 13/12/2022 17:25

My exdp was like this when we first had our daughter. He thought his days off were for him to do as he pleased. He got a shock when I told him weekends especially when our daughter was a baby were to be shared be that doing something as a family or we each had time to ourselves equally. I'd be so angry if I had to pay someone to come at weekends because my childrens father felt it was a "waste of time" to be with us

Original poster
flas · 13/12/2022 17:26

We do outsource stuff during the week. But there are just some things that you do yourself. Or that you want to do yourself. He also thinks he'd be more successful etc if he was also able to focus on doing some bits of work during the weekend to get him further ahead etc....

OP posts:
Original poster
flas · 13/12/2022 17:27

OkPedro · 13/12/2022 17:25

My exdp was like this when we first had our daughter. He thought his days off were for him to do as he pleased. He got a shock when I told him weekends especially when our daughter was a baby were to be shared be that doing something as a family or we each had time to ourselves equally. I'd be so angry if I had to pay someone to come at weekends because my childrens father felt it was a "waste of time" to be with us

I know, it's horrible when he says that. I was so furious. It's like talking to a wall though. He just doesn't get it.

OP posts:
JamJarJane · 13/12/2022 17:27

123rd · 13/12/2022 17:22

Sorry, why can't you get help during the week ? So you get jobs done that need to be done and at the wkends you can then spend more quality time with your family together instead of you both stressing about it

I think this sounds like a good option. Perhaps also get someone in at the weekends occasionally so that the two of you can do something together, eg go for lunch. Sounds like you both need a bit of a break.

MolliciousIntent · 13/12/2022 17:27

Why don't you do the garage/garden and let him spend time with his kids?

DowntonCrabby · 13/12/2022 17:27

He’s making excuses for sure. Suggest the outsourcing of house/garden jobs to free up his time and you’ll get an honest idea of his feelings towards family time. He’s treating you like a mug OP, you deserve better Flowers

Original poster
flas · 13/12/2022 17:31

MolliciousIntent · 13/12/2022 17:27

Why don't you do the garage/garden and let him spend time with his kids?

I don't have time ! I can barely keep on top of the house when they're both home. Let alone garage. We have a gardener who does the grass.

OP posts:
Original poster
flas · 13/12/2022 17:35

DowntonCrabby · 13/12/2022 17:27

He’s making excuses for sure. Suggest the outsourcing of house/garden jobs to free up his time and you’ll get an honest idea of his feelings towards family time. He’s treating you like a mug OP, you deserve better Flowers

I think it's a bit of excuses and also a bit of the fact that he wants to have a bit of time just doing his own stuff, which is fair enough. I would like a bit of time doing my own stuff, but for me even having another adult around to help me a bit, is a huge luxury and really makes things easier for me, so I'll take that if I can !

OP posts:
Original poster
flas · 13/12/2022 17:38

MolliciousIntent · 13/12/2022 17:27

Why don't you do the garage/garden and let him spend time with his kids?

Oh I just read that properly. I suppose that's an idea too. Honestly I feel bad to leave him alone with the kids ! It's such hard work. I would rather clean up

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 13/12/2022 17:38

flas · 13/12/2022 17:31

I don't have time ! I can barely keep on top of the house when they're both home. Let alone garage. We have a gardener who does the grass.

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No I mean when he's at home! Leave him with the kids at the weekend and do the bits and pieces that need doing.

EndlessRain1 · 13/12/2022 17:40

flas · 13/12/2022 17:38

Oh I just read that properly. I suppose that's an idea too. Honestly I feel bad to leave him alone with the kids ! It's such hard work. I would rather clean up

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Why do you feel bad leaving hi with the kids? They are his kids too?

I get it's an issue re the family time. If my DH showed no inclination to want to be with us ever I would question why we were together quite honestly. But you got to give him the opportunity to develop a relationship with his kids without you there. Sounds like you could use a break too.

Original poster
flas · 13/12/2022 17:42

@EndlessRain1 I do sometimes leave him with them of course. I just know how hard it is. So I feel bad. It's just easier to do it together.

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 13/12/2022 17:43

flas · 13/12/2022 17:38

Oh I just read that properly. I suppose that's an idea too. Honestly I feel bad to leave him alone with the kids ! It's such hard work. I would rather clean up

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He's their dad! It doesn't matter that it's hard work, he needs to step up and parent.

Original poster
flas · 13/12/2022 18:19

@thelobsterquadrille I suppose I just feel bad that he has no break ever. Neither do I. Perhaps having a sitter / nanny on his day off would help us all just relax a bit more.

OP posts:
MolesOnPoles · 13/12/2022 18:25

Can he work less/ can you go back to work and use childcare? It really doesn’t sound sustainable.

DucklingDaisy · 13/12/2022 18:28

So your husband has one day with his family a week, and you want to get childcare in so he doesn't actually have to spend much of it with his kids? He doesn't want to spend any time with them? How is he supposed to have any sort of relationship with them? What do you both think the upshot of this is going to be as they get older?

MusicstillonMTV · 13/12/2022 18:30

Why on his day off? Why not on a day when he is working? That would give you time off which I can totally understand why you need.

It sort of sounds like you want it on his day off because you think it might make you feel better that your DP is avoiding you and the kids. It won't.

Nursemumma92 · 13/12/2022 18:33

Maybe a nanny/sitter would help you feel like you had some more free time but it wouldn't actually give you more time together at the weekend as a family. Could they come for a day during the week so you could get a load of stuff done then so on the day your DH has off you can actually do stuff together. You need to sit down with him and discuss what both of your priorities in life are as this doesn't seem sustainable and quite frankly I'd be devastated if my DH felt like spending time as a family for one day a week was a waste of time. How will you manage everything when you go back to work?
I hope you can come to an arrangement that works for you all, it sounds very tough for you xx

123woop · 13/12/2022 18:36

So I'm basically your DH in this situation in our house! I'd hate to have someone coming into the house on my day off.
It might be better to have childcare in the week, even if only for 2 hours, so you can get some bits and bobs done? Or have a cleaner/gardener etc who can help with other jobs?

MusicstillonMTV · 13/12/2022 18:38

flas · 13/12/2022 17:38

Oh I just read that properly. I suppose that's an idea too. Honestly I feel bad to leave him alone with the kids ! It's such hard work. I would rather clean up

Show quote history

It speaks volumes that the idea of him looking after the kids is so strange to you that you didn't even understand that was the suggestion.

Does he feel sorry for you?

I don't think the relationship can be salvaged without a major attitude shift from him. A shock like you going away for the weekend might jolt him into it. Paying someone else to be a dad because he won't be won't

upfucked · 13/12/2022 18:41

More successful at what if he worked 7 days a week? Certainly not a being a husband or a father. He is avoiding family life.