Have a babysitter / nanny on weekends during the day ?

[flas]

I wrote the other day about just how burnt out I am...

And how burnt out my H is too. He has a brutal work schedule, I'm on leave at the moment with small baby and toddler at home. H is self employed and has one day off a week if lucky. So pretty much everything to do with the kids and the house is mostly my problem day in day out, because he's simply not here. Night time of course is also my problem, because he is up very early for work and comes back late, so it's just not fair to expect him to get up.

On his one day off, he sleeps in, but then I kind of want him to be with us for that day, as it's the only day we have together. Sometimes we have plans, but sometimes we just stay home and we fight about the fact that he's always needing to nip off to get stuff done and I'm left again, alone with the kids. Really, no matter what we do, whether we are home or we've made plans, he always talks about the fact that garage needs sorting and garden needs sorting etc etc. these things are things that do need to be done sometimes of course. He also complains he has other work to do, but I force him to just stay with us. He's wasting his time apparently, just hanging out with us.. I'm resentful because I get no rest or break and I'm constantly angry because he disappears.

So it came to me that I just need to organise a mothers help/ nanny / baby sitter for the day he's off. ( and perhaps the other weekend day too ). He doesn't like it because we will have someone in the house, but at least he can go off and do what he wants and I'll have someone to help me a bit with the kids and he can pop in and out. Am I right in that we can't have everything ? Something has to give. It may be the privacy thing and of course we will have to pay for it, but perhaps we will all be more relaxed. As it is, I actually dread it when he's home, because I resent him for wanting to go off the whole time. Does anyone else have a similar problem ? Did a nanny / baby sitter help make you more happy ? Thank you

On his day off it’s your chance to have a break and you’re not getting it. Yes he’s working the other days but depending on what he does chances are what he’s doing is less exhausting than looking after a baby and a toddler on your own plus cleaning, cooking 24/7. It’s relentless. I think you need some help in the week so you get a break and then on his day off either you won’t resent him having a bit of time to himself or you can do something as a family, going out of the house together, even if just for a little bit.

My son is 11 and has Special needs so can't be left alone. I have a P.A for him and a babysitter so me and DH can do stuff together at weekends. It's no that much of a stretch to do it for small children .. if you can afford it then do it !

Could your husband cut his hours down so he has all weekend off? Saturday and Sunday? That way he would be able have some time with you and get the odd jobs done.

Sorry but your Dh is using work and tasks as an excuse not to spend time with his kids

Your idea will only cement this.

I agree with the suggestion of outsourcing other jobs or maybe even hiring someone to help him with his work (depending on his job but maybe some admin help?). He needs to get used to the idea that they are his kids just as much as yours.

Seen and not heard eh? How very Victorian

Well, isn't that life when you're a parent of young children?

Lovely ship your children off on the one day they do see their dad.

Why do people bother having kids when they expect to be seen and not heard? The mind boggles.

I have had a very similar situation to yours. I agree that your husband is using work as an excuse to avoid interacting with his children. And possibly also to avoid interacting with you (since that requires him paying attention to you and being willing to give to you rather than just take or be served by you.) However I think it is also pretty common for ambitious people that the years when the kids are young are the same years when they are building their career. So I understand his point of view (not saying he's right, or totally right).

My take on this is that it is not fair for you to be stuck with all the grunt work of looking after the kids 24/7/365. Of course you love your children but if you don't have some resources put towards your own wellbeing then you will suffer in the long-term and that is not right. So that is what I would focus on making him realise. But a nanny during the workweek is, IMO, a better solution than a nanny on his day off, because I agree that having someone non-family around will make him feel a lack of privacy. If you have a nanny for a day in the workweek, then you can maybe split that into some time spent doing chores so you don't have to do them on the weekend, and some time spent on self-care, whether that's your own hobby or something like that.

On his day off, I don't think you will be successful getting him to spend the whole day on family things. I think your goal should be that he spend SOME time with the kids. It might be a small amount of time, but something regular so that he is recognising their right to attention from their father. And some time with you, as a couple (this would be separate from time in the bedroom.). If he wants to work on the garage the rest of his free time, well, at least the garage will be tidy.

Quite a few people have asked about getting help during the week instead of the weekend but you don't seem to have acknowledged that as an option?

You're sort of enabling his behaviour by doing everything plus all the childcare. He wants to carry on with his life as it was before you had a child. That's not what parenting is about, unless you're happy with a Victorian dad for a partner.

Fast forward a few years and your child(ren) will have not much of a relationship with their dad and nor will you. I've been there.

I would get a cleaner in the week, a couple of times a week if necessary (if you can afford it). Have a serious talk with DH about what you want your family life to look like and the fact that he has an important part to play in it. Work isn't everything. It certainly doesn't love you back the way your children do.

Is the issue that there's genuinely actually 'jobs' to do at the weekend, or just that he doesn't want to spend time with the children?

If there's really jobs, get someone in to do DIY and gardening during the week so you can both be with the children at the weekend.

If he just doesn't want to have to do childcare, then get a nanny for the weekend.

Actually, I would pay for a couple of days nursery in the week so that you feel you have a break!

Having a baby and toddler effectively by yourself is damned hard.

How about sending the toddler to nursery a couple of days / mornings a week and/or getting some other kind of mothers help in the day and/ or night?

This might mean you arrive at the weekend better rested and with more energy.
It might help for you to try and understand what is driving your husband’s behaviour eg - is he worried about money and therefore business success? Is he just really stressed? Does he not enjoy being with the kids? Does he not know how to interact with them? Is he just super tired? Is there some other health thing going on?

Get help in the week so that you can have a break. Then on the one day off, split the day in half - half of it he can have 'me time' and do whatever he chooses, then the other half you do something as a family. He needs to realise that not all jobs are going to get done when you have small kids, you need to respect yourself enough to realise you've earned the break just as much as he has. This works great for us, anyway. And if he doesn't like getting childcare in the week, leave him with the kids for a few days. He'll soon change his mind!

I would focus on spending some time together as a family on his day off then each having some 'time out'. That might be a couple of hours at a park or going for a walk in the morning, lunch all together then he goes to mess in his garage. If you don't have childcare help in the week it's both of your 'day off'.
You both might have to accept some jobs won't get done unless you can outsource them. If he is working all work how is there anything to tidy in the garage? Surely you can just not use it.... Sorry but it sounds like he is finding jobs that are excused to not spend time with the children.

I agree he is avoiding family life. Outsourcing the jobs won't help because him disappearing to do them is exactly what he wants. Unfortunately I think a lot of men are like this. They like the idea of a family but find the reality of small children boring and annoying.

My husband was a milder version of this particularly when our first (who had adhd and was a right handful) was little. I did used to have to insist he spent family time with us. Admittedly he did but he always seemed a bit put out as if he didn't see why it was necessary for him to be there if I was. The "popping out" used to do my head in. He'd say he couldn't come on a day out because he needed to do x and y jobs but if I was at home I'd observe that he would make them stretch all day. Get up, sit around, pop out to get a paper, read paper, pop out to b&q, sit around, start job, realise didn't have right stuff, pop back to b&q etc etc. Sort of protracted busyness. If I said I was going out (minus child) he'd get all twitchy because he then wouldn't be able to "pop out" on a whim.

It really drove a wedge between us and I ended up feeling really remote from him. I suppose I did have more bargaining power than you because I also worked full time and earned more. I think one of the things I said that hammered the point home was that I couldn't see the point of him any more. I did everything with our son and if we separated is be fine for money AND I'd get a chunk of maintenance and he wouldn't be able to annoy me with his bloody constant popping out.

We kind of made our peace with it. He was never quite as enthusiastic about family time as I'd have liked but made some effort and even seemed to enjoy it sometimes. He was much better by the time we had our second child. He took on the bulk of the household chores including all laundry, hoovering and most of the weekend cooking to compensate for me doing more with the children and shouldering the mental load. As the kids have got older and less full on I have a lot more time to myself while he still does the extra domestic stuff he chose.

I really feel for you because (if I'm right) you don't want to force him or for him to feel like he's "wasting" time. You want him to want to be with you and enjoy time with you. That's what I wanted too but I had to find a compromise that worked before I divorced him in a fit of boiling resentment!

Are you sure the job is worth it?

By all means get a nanny in, preferably during the week, to give you a break if it will help you feel better. But it's not going to solve the basic problem, is it? Which is that he has zero interest in spending time with you or with his children.

"No break" is just life when you're a parent with young DC. You're either at work or caring for them. That's just the way it works, apart from maybe occasionally getting a date night together or one of you covering the other so you can do a hobby/see friends. That's what he signed up for. He needs to parent his children.

If this continues he won't have a relationship with his children when they are older. Is that what he wants? I think you need to sit down with him and talk about this properly. He needs to reduce his working hours to spend time with his family. And you need some time to yourself. I suggest getting him to look after one child for an hour on Sundays to begin with. Maybe he can take them swimming or something. He needs to start building a relationship and it is much more difficult with you constantly there. If he doesn't enjoy family time then I would ask to to care for one or both children on his own. It's more rewarding than being a spare adult. Obviously if he wants to spend an hour or 2 doing his own thing that should also fit into the day.
I'd put the children in childcare during the week or get a cleaner, to make your own life easier.

Get the nanny to come during the week.

This solves the problem of him not wanting a nanny around at the weekend.

You get some time to yourself during the week so won't be so burnt out on the weekend. You can also use the time to get some stuff done around the house.

It will be cheaper and much easier to find a weekday nanny. You'll also have more luck finding someone if you intend to let them get on with their job. Very few nannies will want to work alongside both mum and dad/popping in and out all day long.

I agree with the others, get the help in the week so you have time to yourself and get shit done.

You also say you feel bad for leaving kids with him. Does he feel bad for leaving the kids with you while he does stuff?

I agree with others saying it would make more sense for you to get help in the week so you are less tired.

It isn't the norm to just do everything for wo small DCs while your DH works 6 out of 7 days and then he doesn't want to "waste" his day off with his family.

I imagine he doesn't want to reduce his working hours to have more downtime? What is the plan when you go back to work? Will you have childcare then? If so you could try it out one day a week maybe.

It is really hard when you have two preschoolers at home. It is very full on and relentless.

Obviously I don't know what he does, or how much money he is making, but what he is doing doesn't sound great as a long term plan.
Why not suggest to him that he employs someone else to do some of the work? Either a skilled person to do some of his workload, or an apprentice and think about how that can reduce his hours, or outsource some of the work around his trade - so maybe employ someone to do the paperwork.

Absolutely agree… as a parent of young children you get no break. It’s exhausting but that’s life. They’re worth it (eventually!!).

Spend the morning together and split the afternoon so each of you gets a couple hours doing own thing? Gives some family time and some solo time. Though the bigger issue is of course as you've said - he doesn't want to be around you all. Needs a reality check, he can't ignore his kids for 18 years

Though a babysitter in the evening now and then for a few hours together is no bad thing - after kids are in bed so you can head out for a meal, if funds allow? Doesn't get round the relentlessness of it but allows you some couple time away from the house
I'm in a similar stage, toddler/preschooler and baby, and it's bloody hard because we both want time off, but it's very limited until baby gets a little older and goes to nursery a few days a week, and we're conscious that time off for 1 generally means a harder time for the other