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Original poster

To think people move on so quickly sometimes

69 replies

Baobuns · 13/12/2022 11:34

Seen it a few times lately where people have ended relationships of several years and then 2 months later in a relationship with someone else.
I know some people do that to help move on from the previous person... but in a lot of cases it was them who ended it.
It's like people just can't be single even for a few months.

OP posts:
KillingLoneliness · 13/12/2022 12:28

I had a short gap. I was in an abusive relationship for years and i’d been planning my escape for quite a while, I was completely done and broken and I just wanted out.
During this time I was completely unaware that one of the guys in my uni class had a thing for me, we always got on well and I opened up to him about a lot of the issues I was facing and helped me during the backlash of my break up, he was a very good friend in a time of need, I honestly did not intend to have another relationship for as very long time as I was all over the place emotionally but we stayed close as we were a very tight knit class (the whole group would go to the pub together/nights out etc) and over the coming months we became closer and eventually started a relationship.
We’ve been together for 15 years now.

felulageller · 13/12/2022 13:02

I don't trust serial monogamists.

Men tend to do it so they get their laundry done and cock sucked.

Women do it so they have someone to go out with and hang shelves!!

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 13/12/2022 13:10

Myself and DP in a minority. Both more than a decade single before meeting each other. That said he actually had been on dates and been looking and I had not.

summergone · 13/12/2022 14:36

Yep ! My sister just cannot be without a man , split with her boyfriend went straight in a dating website within 3 dates he had moved in . I also know of women who have a child with every man they get with !

whattodo1975 · 13/12/2022 14:45

If your exes have moved on then be happy, they are your ex for a reason.

tallgirl232 · 13/12/2022 17:29

I think people do move on quickly.
But in their rare situation, there are sometimes where people are in long-term relationships just out of habit and because it works. When you break up and you finally meet the one, the time period from your last relationship to your new one shouldnt matter.

Though I agree people jump around from relationship to relationship very quickly, though I think this has more to do with some people having a need to be in a relationship or using it as a rebound relationship.
I've heard the saying that the only way to get over someone is to get in a relationship with someone else - as they now have your focus

Windbeneathmybingowings · 13/12/2022 17:31

They don’t move on, they distract themselves with the new person.

Often the new person isn’t chosen on their own merits either, but simply because they don’t do (insert annoying thing) that the previous partner did. For a lot of people it’s just about being in a relationship, of any type so they aren’t alone.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 13/12/2022 17:33

Women do it so they have someone to go out with and hang shelves!!

Exactly this. It’s so they have someone to go to the cinema with or on holiday with, to chat about eastenders with or moan about their friends to etc. These relationships are band aids.

Burgoo · 13/12/2022 17:35

@Baobuns

I can't judge, my average time between partners was about 3 days!

DesertIslandCondiment · 13/12/2022 18:04

@Windbeneathmybingowings

Not always though. Some people get with people they already know but it's never been the right time. Then suddenly they are both free to get together and it lasts.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 13/12/2022 18:17

But what’s wrong with being not with anyone regardless of how long you’ve known them. Sitting with yourself for a moment. “Moving on” doesn’t have to involve being with someone. That makes it sound like the only way to move on is to have another successful relationship. If you have known the person so long, what are a few months alone to consider what you want your new relationship to look like, outside of the expectations of the last one. The person will still be there and you’ll have better boundaries and ideas on how to fulfil yourself without outside input.

im not saying distraction isn’t a useful technique for pain or hurt or trauma or boredom. But for posters to call it “moving on” is not quite what it is.

Original poster
Baobuns · 13/12/2022 18:18

It's just a bit sad how people just have to be with someone, really.

OP posts:
Windbeneathmybingowings · 13/12/2022 18:22

Agreed, it is disheartening if you are the person left, but consider that it isn’t you. They are masking a feeling (whatever that may be) that is uncomfortable to them, by having the fun of a new shiny relationship to pour themselves in to. It is not moving on. For serial monogamists it is just a soothing thing to have a relationship.

Fridaynightmare · 13/12/2022 18:28

But why is it sad that people prefer being in a relationship to being alone.

I like the companionship and the company.
I like someone asking how my day was and doing nice things for me. I like the sex and affection. I like the butterflies when dating someone you like. I like sharing experiences with someone.

You just can't get all that with friends and nor would I want to! Plus the older you get the more people are in steady relationships/married so your available social pool gets smaller. It makes complete sense why people seek out new relationships.

Stressfordays · 13/12/2022 18:30

I used to be desperate for another relationship. However the longer I spent alone and becoming truly comfortable with myself, the less I want a relationship. I tried it, it was awful. Not because the person was awful, I just love my own space and doing whatever I want with only my children to consider.

DesertIslandCondiment · 13/12/2022 18:31

@Windbeneathmybingowings but if you really like someone and your old relationships are dead then why wait.

Sometimes there are no feelings to mask (apart from relief).

I'm not saying people should date anyone for the sake of it but sometimes there is someone there that you can't wait to get to know better.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 13/12/2022 18:36

Fridaynightmares post is great at explaining exactly what being in a relationship masks. And it highlights exactly why it’s reasonable to want to be with someone quickly.

No one needs to wait, there is no right or wrong. But it’s healthy to accept there is a need met by a new relationship that isn’t about the person or the previous partner. It’s about solving a logistical problem ie having someone to be with. It’s serving a purpose and filling gaps left by the lost partner, and not about moving on.

DesertIslandCondiment · 13/12/2022 18:46

I think if you are still have feelings when a relationship ends then it is different than being in a dead relationship for a long time.

You have already grieved for the old relationship. There is nothing to move on from. You are suddenly free to be happy.

Sometimes the feelings are too strong. It worked out for us anyway.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 13/12/2022 18:46

I follow a family online, not a famous family or anything just one I became acquainted with some years ago. 3 daughters all in their 20's. Every few months there are pics up of 'my little family' and each girl with their child and yet another man. Every single one moves them in in double quick time and there are massive 'love my two boys' posts all of the time and then the relationship sours, a month or so of bitchy fb updates and then the next 'love of my life' appears. All 3 of these daughters are the same. It is a car crash to watch. I just think some people cannot be single or alone with their own thoughts for too long and not sure if it is an insecurity thing. That said I have only been with 4 men in my life (50+ years young) and many years between each one so I am the other end of that scale.

1001Daffodils · 13/12/2022 19:02

Aside from the crossover/catalyst thing there are also people who are desperately unhappy without company. My SIL falls into that category, I've known her 25 years, she's had 3 relationships in that time and only been single for weeks at most.

She's not fickle or someone that enjoys playing the field - she genuinely just wants to be wanted. Unfathomable to me personally, but each to their own as long as they aren't hurting other people along the way.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2022 19:41

Baobuns · 13/12/2022 11:34

Seen it a few times lately where people have ended relationships of several years and then 2 months later in a relationship with someone else.
I know some people do that to help move on from the previous person... but in a lot of cases it was them who ended it.
It's like people just can't be single even for a few months.

It's not just 'lately'. I'm in my '60s and I can remember this 'going on' when I was old enough to 'go steady' in high school. And I'm sure it's been going on much longer than that.

What I DO think is that too much is made of being 'coupled up' and not enough made of the need to learn to be happy on one's own. You hear lots of "Haven't you got a BF/GF?", "When are you going to settle down?", and "Don't be sad, you'll find someone else", but you never hear "Single? Bet you're loving your freedom and independence", "I'm envious of you, you can make all your own decisions", or "I'm sorry it didn't work out with XX, stay single for awhile and enjoy yourself".

SallyWD · 13/12/2022 19:49

I have to admit I got together with DH a few days after splitting from my ex! It sounds bad but not when you know the context - my relationship with my ex had been dead a couple of years really. He was an alcoholic and I couldn't bring myself to leave because I was worried about what would happen to him. In the end he moved away for a course. We'd been living apart for 5 months although we hadn't officially broken up. We finally did and then I got it together with my now DH. We'd been close friends for many years and always liked each other. We got drunk and the rest is history!

Deadlysinner · 13/12/2022 19:53

I was in this situation. I was with my previous partner for 13 years (since I was 17) but had basically checked out of the relationship. I'd tried breaking up with him previously but just wasn't very good at it! So I stayed from fear of upsetting him, dying alone etc.

6 months later I started going out with my current partner and I've been with him 3 years.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 13/12/2022 22:18

I left my exH perfectly happy to be single. I assumed I would be single for a long while given I would be a single mum with no family around to help out with DS.
A couple of months after filing for divorce I began speaking to a friend I'd known as a teenager. He's now my husband and I've never been happier. We didn't get together straight away - we both had our shit to deal with but we became the best of friends and then fell in love.
I didn't leave my exH for him, I didn't expect to come across him again, I didn't expect him to be separated from his exW and I didn't expect to fall in love with him but here we are - happier than I've ever been, DS adores him and we have an amazing life together.

HollyHobbie12 · 13/12/2022 22:22

@AcrossthePond55 You are right. Being single is never seen as a positive. My sister who is nearly 40 and single always gets pitied on but it can be great in many ways and I find it sadder if someone has to be with someone simply because they can't stand to be alone. What a vulnerable position to put yourself in.