It can't all be because he's neurodiverse?

[freespirit333]

Strongly suspect DS age 7 is neurodiverse, he's on the waiting list to be assessed.

He's a lovely child, not prone to meltdowns as such, but plenty of rudeness, back chat, not listening, overreacting rudely/horribly (such as getting angry if I accidentally step on his toe).

Normally on school mornings he has to get dressed upstairs first thing before going downstairs for breakfast. He shares a room with his sibling who's been sleeping in lately, so this morning I brought his clothes downstairs, made him breakfast, asked him to eat breakfast and get dressed.

He didn't. Ate a bit of breakfast and messed around. I refuse to ask over and over again as I think it's pointless, he knows what he's meant to be doing and asking several times just makes me angry. He starts being mean to his younger sibling while still only half dressed, I told him off and he is sometimes (often) so sensitive to being told off (which I know is part of being ND - full disclosure his dad is textbook inattentive ADHD and also prickles if he feels he's being criticised, so I'm well-versed on rejection sensitive dysphoria/emotional regulation etc) - I get told I'm being so mean to him etc. I tend to ignore this but eventually I do end up telling him off more. He just kept answering back, I threaten a consequence so he gets upset and says sorry, so I give him one chance to finish getting ready - teeth, shoes, coat - and I won't see the consequence through - but he still doesn't. Still carries on answering back or being mean to sibling.

Is this "normal" for his age? He's not like it every day but we are definitely in over-excitement for Christmas/tired end of term/it's freezing so getting up and dressed to school is not pleasant mode. I feel even though he is most likely certainly ND, he can't get away with answering back like that.

There will definitely be a consequence later. He was 10 minutes late to school purely of his own doing (unreasonable 3 year old sibling was still up/dressed/breakfasted and ready in time!), I hope he got told off but I don't suppose he did!

I wonder if it might be helpful to think in terms of whether this could be a manifestation of him masking, or having to mask?

You described his recent problem at school where he had to change and sort himself out after what must have been an embarrassing accident - coped quietly and with maturity, so you and the teacher were very impressed, and as a side benefit, not really impacted by his handling of it.

This doesn't mean that he will just give you a smooth ride where you can get him to behave predictably and compliantly at any time it needs to be good for you, like when you have to be out on time. He's just 7 so most 7 year olds would have regular moments of backchat and stroppiness, whether or not they are ND. However, I think the morning incidents could be down to a combination of stress and slow processing, which is really difficult in a state of overwhelm. It's likely to be ramped up by the end of term, darker evenings, and Christmas. My guess is he's masking at school but losing it a bit in a safe place, at home.

What did make me a bit rueful was that his younger sibling seemed to fit into things fine - slept in but was still dressed and breakfasted on time despite the flexibility.

Pull him up on being snappy, but in a gentle way; point out the consequences in a 'Because of X, Y happened' way if he won't eat or is late, and say that he needs to cooperate for just a bit longer and then he will get to relax at the weekend/through the holidays. I wouldn't be too hard on him - it may make things worse.

@Ormally the reason I mentioned younger sibling is because it was generally a massive achievement - they are hugely difficult and unreasonable on a good day, and the fact that they slept in and still got ready with no fuss was an absolute Christmas miracle! They are 3 so I do get them dressed and supervise teeth brushing etc, I appreciate DS doesn’t get that luxury. This thread has been really useful for me though to step back, take a look at myself and be less harsh/strict/no nonsense. I think because DS quite often comes across as badly behaved, and because I had s really strict upbringing, I overcompensate by being too strict, expecting too much of him. In public if he misbehaves or is rude I feel so mortified and that I have to come down harshly or people will think “no wonder he’s such a brat, she doesn’t discipline him”. And because of that I try not to let things slide at home either.

So freezing again this morning, so I offered DS to get dressed under the bedding on my king size bed, me passing him each item one at a time. He loved it!

Great solution!