Sibling relationships & distance

[Yumyummyyum]

Does anyone have a strong relationship with siblings who live in different countries? Is it possible?

DH comes from a large family but all siblings have chosen to leave the UK over the last 10-20 years. Now that we have children they have no family on his side (except grandparents) which makes him sad. He also feels resentment at being left alone as parents age and need more support. Travelling is likely to become even less frequent as everyone struggles with the cost of living. The family try to keep in contact over WhatsApp but conversations are all very superficial. An additional layer is that they come from a ‘repressed’ family where no one really spoke about what they truly think and feel. DH has been having therapy and wants to overcome this but I’m not sure anyone else is ready for this. Siblings keep suggesting more video calls as a solution to the lack of closeness but we think this will likely just result in more superficial small talk.

We have been discussing this and I’m not sure whether it’s possible to have meaningful relationships when there is limited in person interaction. Maybe it’s best to just accept that? Would be interested in others thoughts

I think I'd focus on taking tiny steps towards a closer relationship rather than having an end goal in mind of a fully open relationship. Eg try to be in touch a little more, call a little more often and see where it goes but don't try to say 'we're at point A, we need to get to point B, who's with me?'

Could DH arrange to visit some siblings a bit and see how that goes? I think the issue of resentment at being the main support for ageing parents is not going to combine well with wanting closer relationships tbh, that's going to feel too much like putting emotional pressure on siblings and they'll back off.

If I was him, I'd focus on the children, do what I could for parents and try to just nudge sibling relationships along to a closer position without throwing my heart open or anything.

He might want to reflect on what connections his parents had with their own siblings when he was growing up. Some families have less of a culture of staying in touch than others, especially when people move away.

And to answer your question - I'm NC with a sibling and very glad they live on a different continent! Makes bumping into each other less likely :)

@Squamata

Thanks!

We did actually have more frequent contact during lockdown but conversations were so superficial and stilted. I think it’s just much better in person. I’ll suggest he tries the small steps without too much expectation and see how it goes. I think that’s what the siblings are probably getting at when they are asking for more regular video calls.

The parents actually had pretty good siblings relationships but they were able to afford to travel to see their siblings much more than any of us can.

I think the resentment is the tough part! Not sure how we can overcome those feelings

My siblings are spread over 3 continents and were close. I currently have my nephew staying with me as he was homesick for his much warmer country and just wanted to be “home” with family. I’ve really only met him otherwise every 5 years or so but he seems very comfortable and happy with his “distant” aunt. Because his mother and I are sisters and we’re all very familiar.

Your DH should stop griping about care for his parents and consult with his siblings about a plan of action where they all do what they can. My mother is in another country and frail. I help out when I San in person for about a month each year, and help with money when it’s needed for her care.

Maybe the difference is that we all RESPECT each other’s choices about where we live and what we do in our lives. Your DH needs to think about this. It sounds as though he and you expect his siblings to behave in the way you both think is appropriate.

Is he grumpy because, as a man, he’s assumed some woman(his sisters?) would care for his parents?

He needs to get over his resentment. What right does he have to dictate how and where his siblings live?

I live 12,000 miles away from3 of my siblings and a continent away from the other 2 (there are 6 of us). People here always remark what a close family we are.

I don't think you can foster closer relationships without all parties bring onboard with the idea.

On the resentment issue, they have discussed support for parents many times and everyone talks about how willing they are but ultimately every time it is actually needed everyone has reasons why they can’t come so it always falls to DH and we don’t really see that changing. I think DH feels that they have absolved themselves off any guilt about not being around because he is here and he feels that’s unfair. Probably worth adding that we come from a culture where parents/family are a huge priority, before someone tells me DH should just move away.

Anyway, any thoughts on whether you can really have proper relationships with interactions mostly over the phone and without much in person interaction?

Superficial relationships resonate with me. I see less and less of my family now my children are at school and I am therefore unable to travel so freely to them. (Not overseas)

I have no solutions

Anyway, any thoughts on whether you can really have proper relationships with interactions mostly over the phone and without much in person interaction?

Of course you can, if the original familial sibling relationships growing up were solid and encouraged.

There’s no single right way to have a “proper” sibling relationship over distance.

Your DH and YOU seem quite controlling about sibling interactions. Maybe his siblings don’t want the same kind of relationship your DH wants. You both need to respect his siblings’ choices.

I don't think the geographical distance has anything to do with it. Some siblings are close even though they live on opposite sides of the world.
Some siblings never see or speak to each other even though they live in the same street.
Nothing is a given, and it is completely pot luck as to whether we like or dislike our siblings.

No. They all accept that there is an issue with their relationships and they have all said they want to do something about it. Mostly it’s driven by the fact that they have children and want them to not grow up completely isolated from family. Before the kids have any sort of relationship it seems sensible that the adults try to improve theirs. The question is if there’s hardly any face to face interaction is there any point?

I live 5000 miles away and am very close with my sister (and my brother too when he was alive). Close with all my family, including cousins, aunts and uncles. Also close with my sister in law (DBros wife) even though he died a decade ago.

We were always a close family though and my siblings are the other pieces of my heart.

DH and his siblings are all as thick as thieves, his sister lives near us and their brother in another country. They're never off bloody FaceTime

I don't think the issue here is the distance, that can be overcome if all parties want it to be.

@Strokethefurrywall @FettleOfKish interested to hear how the closeness is maintainer? Is it entirely over the phone? Do you see them more than once every 4/5 years?

In terms of the foundational relationships I don’t think you would have ever called them super close but you would say they got on well if that makes sense. They probably weren’t super close because they were brought up to be emotionally repressed. Now they still get on and there aren’t really arguments etc but everyone agrees that it all feels very ‘distant’.

I think you have to speak really frequently and make a lot of effort and in time it gets easier .
If you speak often and discover small things ,a forthcoming dental appt ,what they had for dinner it does eventually become easier to have a natural more meaningful conversation .

@peridito yes that makes sense. The friends and family we are close to are the ones we have most frequent contact with. DH is close to my sisters husband, not necessarily because they are similar but because we see them so often.I think we just haven’t had almost entirely virtual relationships with anyone so it feels quite alien but maybe it can work.

@Yumyummyyum DH has seen his brother once in the last 3-4 years (and will again in the Spring).

They speak on the phone frequently and there's a family WhatsApp group that seems to be active round the clock.

You mention superficial chat, actually what goes on in their family group is pretty superficial, photos of nice meals they've had, places they've been that day, something funny they've seen or heard, anecdotes, things the kids have done or said and so on. Probably exactly the kind of meaningless stuff you'd chat about with someone you saw daily, but that constant back and forth keeps them close.

My sister is in Australia. We were close but not now. We can't visit there for medical reasons. We see her around every 3 years for an afternoon. I've not found a way to maintain any real closeness with someone you can't do anything with. My kids don't have a relationship with their cousins. I think that's probably to be expected given they have no real connection. Maybe that's OK though? We don't have to be close to people just because we share genetics.

My sister lives on a different continent. She visits 2x per year and we talk most days (her morning, my evening).

Where there's a will there's a way, if there is no will distance provides a convenient excuse (I have another sibling living almost next door to my sister who i haven't seen or spoken to in years!)

@howmanybicycles Yes that’s the question DH has started asking recently. Everyone says they want to be closer but maybe it’s not possible and we just accept that’s ok?

Superficial chat is obviously a part of any relationship but I think there is something to be said for in person interaction coupled with superficial WhatsApp chat. I hug my sister, I hold her children, I visit places with her as well. I think those things do make a difference.

Personally I think it's done for the kids not to know each other much. If you let go of the idea that they have to be close or connected just becase they are cousins you can probably just do whatever feels natural and right. Friends are, for some people, more like family than family.

Me too OP. I realised over time that my sister who'd emigrated talked about still feeling connected to people she never now sees but actually for her, that was because she had only related to them previously a superficial way. For me, other things mattered, so things were quite different. It became a lot easier to accept when I realised our relationship was only superficial now.

They seem to spend a lot of time talking about the failings of their relationships instead of knocking off the issue raking and just making an effort to chat.

My sister lives on the other side of the world and the time difference is a pain but we talk most days, one will WhatsApp while awake and the other replies when they see it. We FaceTime. Our kids know and love each other. They’ve met once in person when my nephew was a few months old but we all have photos around, share videos, talk about our families a lot and just get on with it.

Of course I’d love to have her closer, but the life she has there is incredible and wouldn’t be possible here, I don’t resent it, she’s happy though I know she misses us. Two years ago one of my brothers was abroad for a year, we spoke more than usual as he had more to chat about.

Mum and dad are divorced and each lived abroad at different times over the last decade, you just make it work.