Sibling relationships & distance

[Yumyummyyum]

Does anyone have a strong relationship with siblings who live in different countries? Is it possible?

DH comes from a large family but all siblings have chosen to leave the UK over the last 10-20 years. Now that we have children they have no family on his side (except grandparents) which makes him sad. He also feels resentment at being left alone as parents age and need more support. Travelling is likely to become even less frequent as everyone struggles with the cost of living. The family try to keep in contact over WhatsApp but conversations are all very superficial. An additional layer is that they come from a ‘repressed’ family where no one really spoke about what they truly think and feel. DH has been having therapy and wants to overcome this but I’m not sure anyone else is ready for this. Siblings keep suggesting more video calls as a solution to the lack of closeness but we think this will likely just result in more superficial small talk.

We have been discussing this and I’m not sure whether it’s possible to have meaningful relationships when there is limited in person interaction. Maybe it’s best to just accept that? Would be interested in others thoughts

Firstly why does he feel resentment that they have left he had exactly the same opportunities should he have chosen.

I live in a different country to my siblings. We visit frequently but sadly not ready close to my brother anymore (that happened before we left as we had a fall out with his wife ) so nothing to do with the distance. We see them as much now as we did when we lived in the UK 3/4 times a year

My sister I actually see more of than when I lived in the UK because she lives visiting where I live

It's about interacting with each other. Ours is mainly through social media but we are as involved as we can/want to be

I think my brother resents the fact we aren't as involved with his children as we could be. Personally I have enough contact with them ;). I've never really been fond of other people's children

Ps most of my conversations with siblings even before I left were superficial. I don't know what you expect ? You both sound rather intense

@Yumyummyyum yes the relationship is maintained over FaceTime. We WhatsApp at least once a week unless we're both busy, but I also speak with my parents weekly and WhatsApp daily.

I ended up going back to UK twice last year, the first was in April after not seeing them for 3 years, I surprised the kids at Easter. Summer I was there for the month of July.

When we're together, we talk about anything and everything - shit our kids are doing/saying, how our parents are doing, work, gossip, wax nostalgic about our childhood, go to gigs together, get drunk and cry together etc etc.

But this would have been the case if I still lived in UK as well, I just have to cram a lot more in when I visit.

What I find is that I pick up family and friend relationships every 3 years or so that I do the huge trip south, where we left off - we catch up with what's been going on, of course, but we just chunter & chat as normal.

Your DH sounds rather wound up about all of this. He & you need to relax. "Superficial" chats are the blood of relationships - we don't all engage in deep & meaningful talk all the time!

You're right. We don't. But to never engage in more meaningful means the relationship is just like with a work colleague who we'll not stay in touch with when either of us move on.

That's quite a black & white way to think about it, though? Small talk can lead to more profound stuff. And with family (and old friends) there's a long history of affection & shared experience.

In this case small talk over WhatsApp/video calls hasn’t lead to any meaningful conversations. People post pictures on the group of what they’re up to and everyone else will respond to say “wow nice” “how cute” “have fun” “happy birthday” until the next person posts. That is the full extent of the relationships and has been the case for years and years. Of course nobody can have deep meaningful conversations all the time but if you never have them then I don’t think it’s great for your relationship. On the rare occasions when there have been in person visits it’s soooo much better. I just don’t think you can replicate that remotely and that’s the sad part.

I think the distance is a red herring. It’s actually about transforming a shallow relationship into a deeper one.

One thing I think really helps is being vulnerable and open. Has he been open and vulnerable in saying he wants a closer relationship? Could he reach in deep to understand in himself why? Is he lonely? Is he scared of dying? Is he finding himself reflecting more on his own childhood now and wants to talk about it? Is he worried he has ruptured the relationship somehow, or tamped the connection down himself when younger, and wants to remedy that?

Any of that is more interesting and more inviting of a proper conversation.

What won’t help - resentment. And he has to be open to the fact that they might not be interested in the relationship he wants, in which case it’s on him to try and enrich other relationships to give him what he needs.

(I live far from home, close to one sibling, not to the other despite trying years ago)

Oh here’s a wild idea in case it helps - I’m hoping to work with my siblings (probably the close one tbh) to video record my parents talking about their lives and experiences.

He could try that? Something practical and family focused that might help strengthen at least one sibling relationship? Might start up some deeper relationships as you learn more about your parents? I’ve That is, if any of them would be interested in joining.

We are 6 siblings (mix of full, half and step). We basically all live in different countries. I am v close to my step sisters still, we have a whatsapp chat that's really active. I am not close to my full brother or half brother and sister when we are away from each other really, bu we get on great when we see each other.

I would say, superficial small talk is often the start of bigger conversations. You can't expect someone to want to have a deep and meaningful chat to you when you've basically not spoken for 4 years. Build up a relationship, start with small talk, build rapport, share good childhood memories, ask questions about each other's lives. It's almost like dating!

I understand what everyone's saying about resentment, but I also understand the feeling, if I'm honest. My sibling moved 20 years ago overseas to a country that's difficult to visit (war zone). I felt enormous resentment as well as sadness that we wouldn't see each other often. I think part of the resentment was about them getting to dictate the terms of our relationship, and that having an impact on me but feeling unable to do anything about it. I realise that sounds a bit petty, but emotions aren't always under our control. It helped me to "own" that resentment and think more deeply about why I felt it - would that be useful to your DH?

I think part of the resentment was about them getting to dictate the terms of our relationship, and that having an impact on me but feeling unable to do anything about it. I realise that sounds a bit petty, but emotions aren't always under our control. It helped me to "own" that resentment and think more deeply about why I felt it - would that be useful to your DH?

I don’t understand your grounds for resentment? How is moving “dictating “ the terms of a relationship? I’m truly interested, as I moved a very long way away to do what I needed to do, to be happy. If I were to be told that my actions to pursue a happy and fulfilled life were seen in that way by my siblings, would be very upsetting, and also I think I would feel that it was a for. Of emotional blackmail or an attempt to use emotion to control me.

But I suppose you’ve realised that your resentment is your problem, which is a mature realisation.

I’m fortunate in that although my siblings are sad they don’t see me very often (and I them), they are totally supportive of me doing what makes me happy.

Politely, he just needs to come to terms with it. A lot of sibling relationships are this way, particularly those that werent close as kids, you dont expect them to be close as adults. I get the caring point as I've been affected by it. But siblings gonna sibling. They have their own lives and DH needs to work on being happy with his life and location choices instead of bitter. We have the family we are born to, not the family we dream of.

Yeah it’s true that a lot of sibling relationships are this way. We come from a south asian culture which is very family oriented so that’s probably why it doesn’t seem right. As well as being close to siblings, being there for your parents is a big part of the culture. I know a lot of people will think it’s completely wrong and that one own’s happiness takes precedence over one’s family/parents. People are slowly moving towards the western way of thinking about family but I think we are probably still not quite there yet.

Not all "westerners" think that

one own’s happiness takes precedence over one’s family/parents

A lot of us try to balance these things.

And conversely, I read enough here & elsewhere, about the dissatisfaction with the south Asian family orientation. Particularly if you're a daughter of the family, or not the favoured eldest son! Maybe your DH's siblings moved away so they could come to terms with the treatment of them by their family ...?

I think that when your siblings aren't your type of people you won't be close even when living next door. Distance has very little to do with it. I know families who talk on the phone every day despite being in different countries. I have two aunts who lived on the same street and didn't visit each other for 5 years. The only real issue is looking after aging parents, as you mentioned. Unfair for your husband to carry the burden by himself.

I think it’s a balance when your close by and regular visiting and helping out or choosing not move away when it would suit you. I personally wouldn’t really call it a balance when you only have to visit for 2 weeks every few years.

And yes I’m not saying the south asian way is necessarily the right way. I’m sure there are people who aren’t happy with it.

In my DH family case the siblings have chosen to leave the U.K. to get a better standard of living to places that offer tax free salaries and huge houses. They’re pretty clear about the U.K. being a s*hole that they would never return to so it’s not because they’re escaping the family or because daughters are inferior!

@xogossipgirlxo
Possibly for some people. But I do think in this case they generally do get on pretty ok and there isn’t any massive clash of personalities. When they do meet up everyone gets along and has a nice time. It’s in the periods in between that the relationships become very distant.

I came to this post looking for similar advice but I can tell you it is possible to have a strong sibling relationship whilst being on two different continents.
I have a half brother myself 9600km away, met him a 4/6 times in my life yet we’re as close as can be and on the last visit our bond grew stronger- won’t see him for a while as it’s extremely costly to fly there.

One thing that I think made us help this distant relationship is that we will always be the only siblings to each other in this world, and that we will always be someone to rely on or relate to no matter what.

I can relate to feeling emotionally repressed and alone whilst living an only child when we are apart, but slowly you grow and I see my sibling as someone you can talk to or relate to about anything- like a forever best friend.

I hope I’m not too late to this post- like I said I was looking for some similar advice about long distance siblings.

I think there are a few things to unpick here

Did he ever have a close relationship with his siblings? Do they have a close relationship with anyone? If he used to have a close relationship then he may be able to get it back but sibling relationships are very engrained over long time periods and it is very difficult to change them unless everyone is really willing. Expecting superficial relationships that have always been that way, to change todeep and meaningful over WhatsApp calls is probably unrealistic, unless everyone wants regular online family therapy or something. I think it's unrealistic to expect children who live in different countries to have close relationships as well, sorry. I have never heard of anyone doing this successfully (unless they spend a lot of holidays together).

I think instead of working on changing relationships, your husband needs to work on his own acceptance. Acceptance that his relationship with his siblings is unlikely to change but it can still be worthwhile even though deep and meaningful conversations don't happen. Acceptance that they moved away because it was the best thing for them and it is actually his choice how much he looks after his parents. He then needs to sit down and work out a plan for their care as they age (eg his siblings could contribute with remote research, financially etc if they live in tax havens).

My relationship with my dad is 'superficial' in that we don't speak about feelings much. This doesn't mean it's not worthwhile. He expresses his feelings through actions and would do anything for us and I know he loves us but the way he has been brought up means it's really difficult for him to talk about his feelings