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Original poster

Betrayal by OH

42 replies

Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 20:47

I need to know if I’m right to be upset or if I’m overreacting.
Today my OH, step daughter and I have been in text conversation (not same thread) relating to Christmas visitation to family.
Between them they have decided that my opinion doesn’t count and they will do what they want. In amongst it, OH has screen shot the conversation he and I have had and sent it to her.
I feel betrayed that he’s done this - should I not be? For context, our conversation didn’t involve any persons, just the arrangements.
Looking for constructive criticism (if warranted) as I’m feeling fragile about it 😢

OP posts:
Screwcorona · 12/12/2022 20:53

I can't tell if your right to being upset without knowing what you proposed for Xmas and what they want instead. I don't think screenshotting a text is a problem on its own...if he's sending it her to discuss what you want, for example.

Are you able to tell us any more?

Justcallmebebes · 12/12/2022 20:56

Depends on context. Assuming they're organising family stuff? There's nothing wrong with that

StickyCricket · 12/12/2022 20:57

Can’t say without some context - how long have you been together, do you live together, any other children to take into account in these arrangements, what did they want v what did you want?

Original poster
Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 20:59

Thanks for your messages.
OH reluctant to make plans and every year it’s last minute. I have taken the step to start conversation with his ex.
Now he’s made decision when to visit extended family in another town, which has upset his ex.
i’m now to blame as I began the conversation!
OH has screen shot what he wrote to me and sent to SD, she’s then said it’s nothing to do with me, he’s agreed and said they’ll do what they want. Therefore no consideration to my feelings and I feel my conversation with him is private. He must now agree as he won’t allow me to take a screen shot of his conversation with SD.

OP posts:
birdsandthewasps · 12/12/2022 21:00

Christmas visitation are you in prison op?

Original poster
Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 21:00

Been together 6 years, I have children and we’re due to be married!!

OP posts:
birdsandthewasps · 12/12/2022 21:01

Don’t marry him

Original poster
Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 21:01

😂no, visits to extended families on both sides! Thanks for making me gggle amongst the tears!

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 12/12/2022 21:02

I still don’t really get it! So he’s made plans to see extended family? And that upset his ex? Who cares? Why does his ex get a say in who he visits over Christmas?
Why are you starting a conversation with his ex?

Original poster
Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 21:04

What’s upset his ex is because he wants to d it a day earlier than planned.
I started the ball rolling months ago as I have my family to consider in everything as well as his family. The ex is normally badgering him to sort out this stuff.

OP posts:
SavingKitten · 12/12/2022 21:05

This still doesn’t make sense. Why did you need to sort anything with his ex?

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/12/2022 21:06

What I would do is just do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to and if he's free to join you, then that's fine, and if he's not, that's even better!

Maybe have a good think about whether you two are a good match for 2023.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2022 21:06

Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 21:00

Been together 6 years, I have children and we’re due to be married!!

Marrying him will be a huge mistake.

Thatiswild · 12/12/2022 21:09

I would take both of them out of your equation, do what you want to do with your family and I would definitely be rethinking the marriage. It’s underhand, disrespectful and it’s just not very nice that he’s done that.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 12/12/2022 21:12

That's awful OP. If you're engaged then you should be making plans together. Of course those plans will involve his daughter and other extended family (and yours too). Screenshotting your conversation and sending it to his DD is awful behaviour. I wouldn't marry him.

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 21:18

I would take both of them out of your equation, do what you want to do with your family and I would definitely be rethinking the marriage. It’s underhand, disrespectful and it’s just not very nice that he’s done that.

I completely agree.

If you can’t even have a conversation with your partner about your plans over Christmas then it’s not a good relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2022 21:21

I’m as confused after your update. Is he okay with you going over his head by making plans with his ex? I’m a step mum, I wouldn’t do that in a million years.

Is the betrayal the screenshot or the changing of plans from those you made?

Tbh if he and his DD are happy then what’s it to his ex? It’s not your job to intervene or try and represent her, least of all if you contacted her without his agreement.

Not sure why people are so sure you shouldn’t marry him. He’s making plans with his daughter. You’re the one getting involved, trying to dictate his comms with his child and then weeping about betrayal. It sounds overly emotional and disproportionate.

RandomMess · 12/12/2022 21:25

The betrayal is sending the screenshot as saying that she needs no consideration and they will just do what they want anyway.

Where is the DP being an adult and teaching a workable solution with the OP and his ex.

Original poster
Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 21:29

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2022 21:21

I’m as confused after your update. Is he okay with you going over his head by making plans with his ex? I’m a step mum, I wouldn’t do that in a million years.

Is the betrayal the screenshot or the changing of plans from those you made?

Tbh if he and his DD are happy then what’s it to his ex? It’s not your job to intervene or try and represent her, least of all if you contacted her without his agreement.

Not sure why people are so sure you shouldn’t marry him. He’s making plans with his daughter. You’re the one getting involved, trying to dictate his comms with his child and then weeping about betrayal. It sounds overly emotional and disproportionate.

No, he’s not ok with me going over his head but the reason I did that (and told him I’d done it) is because he refuses to sort it out so that everyone can make plans; us, his ex, extended families.

i feel betrayed that he’s sent a copy of our conversation to his daughter and said that they’ll do what they want, thereby discarding me and my opinions.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 12/12/2022 21:30

i’m now to blame as I began the conversation!
Yep, that exactly it. Stay out of his business with his ex. It's not up to you to "start conversations" with his ex. How odd.

If he leaves plans to the last minute, that's his choice. You can make your own plans.

Original poster
Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 21:31

RandomMess · 12/12/2022 21:25

The betrayal is sending the screenshot as saying that she needs no consideration and they will just do what they want anyway.

Where is the DP being an adult and teaching a workable solution with the OP and his ex.

Yes, this.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 12/12/2022 21:31

&No, he’s not ok with me going over his head but the reason I did that (and told him I’d done it) is because he refuses to sort it out so that everyone can make plans; us, his ex, extended families.*

Yes you're trying to control what he does and its blown up in your face. Dont do it.

gamerchick · 12/12/2022 21:32

So he's triangulated you with his daughter? That's weird as fuck man.

Stop pussy footing around him. Make your plans, if he wants to join you then he can. Don't even mention plans to him. Who could be arsed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2022 21:35

I don’t think it’s okay to be contacting her without his agreement, worse when he expressly doesn’t want you to. It’s very controlling. You sort plans with him, he sorts plans with her, or his DD who sounds old enough to be involved in making arrangements.

As you now see, you can agree what you like with his ex and he doesn’t have to go along with it anyway so it’s pointless and now several people are pissed off. Because he’s lazy and you’re interfering.

If your family want to lock plans down then just do what works for you and them and tell him where you’ll be and when.

You started this by trying to manage him via his ex.

GreenManalishi · 12/12/2022 21:36

i’m now to blame as I began the conversation!

your job is not to liaise with his ex wife because he refuses to, so everyone can make arrangements.

If my partner contacted my ex husband to try and arrange our christmas plans I would be furious.

Your job is to make plans for yourself and your family without him if he won't lean in, and think carefully about marrying him.