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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Betrayal by OH

42 replies

Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 20:47

I need to know if I’m right to be upset or if I’m overreacting.
Today my OH, step daughter and I have been in text conversation (not same thread) relating to Christmas visitation to family.
Between them they have decided that my opinion doesn’t count and they will do what they want. In amongst it, OH has screen shot the conversation he and I have had and sent it to her.
I feel betrayed that he’s done this - should I not be? For context, our conversation didn’t involve any persons, just the arrangements.
Looking for constructive criticism (if warranted) as I’m feeling fragile about it 😢

OP posts:

HotChoxs · 12/12/2022 21:39

gamerchick · 12/12/2022 21:32

So he's triangulated you with his daughter? That's weird as fuck man.

Stop pussy footing around him. Make your plans, if he wants to join you then he can. Don't even mention plans to him. Who could be arsed.

Didn't she triangulate him with his ex? Or am I missing something.

Multipleexclamationmarks · 12/12/2022 21:40

I don't think you should have started the conversation with his ex, i think that's overstepping but i can see why you did. In future make your plans with your children and tell him to fit in or not. As for him sharing your texts with his daughter, i'm on the fence tbh, not sure how i'd feel about that, it would depend if i thought he did it in his daughters best interests or if he was just stirring the pot.

Minimalme · 12/12/2022 21:42

The balance is all wrong in your relationship op as is the communication.

Give some consideration as to what you want - not just at Xmas but for the rest of your life. Is this relationship as good as it gets? Doesn't sound like it.

Pixiedust1234 · 12/12/2022 21:52

Oh dear OP.

He has refused for several years to plan any family stuff which got the ex's back up, presumably during the marriage too. Now he's doing it to you before you are even married.

Put your wedding on hold until you've both had counselling for communication problems, otherwise you will be posting here again in three years wondering why he hasn't grown up.

Userg1234 · 12/12/2022 21:56

Of I am reading this right, op contacted ex because is she didn't do would have left organising Xmas till the last minute. His normal last minute thing often leads to clashes with any plans op, her family and even the rest of his family have so every one has to wait for him before they can sort their Christmas.
Then he gets upset she's done it, involves sd ...in fact used sd as a weapon to get at op by including op in the conversation that effectively says we will ignore op!r
Op you have every right to be annoyed. I think you took the wrong way by contacting the ex. You should have told him that he should do it because this year your plans are set in stone.
now tell him they ARE set in stone and you don't care what he and as are doing you and your children are coming first.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 12/12/2022 22:21

Honestly? You betrayed your OH by contacting his ex without even agreeing it with him before hand - and then deciding with his ex, not him, where his DD would be over Christmas. Literally nothing to do with you and massively overstepping. The only thing you should have done is badgered your OH to organise himself. And if he didn't, make your own plans. Don't make plans for him and his DD without either of their agreement. How does anyone think you're being reasonable?!

Original poster

Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 23:33

I take the point about me contacting his ex.
I’d like to say that I had badgered my OH and have been doing so for the past 5 years 😢
thanks for all your view points.

OP posts:

whumpthereitis · 12/12/2022 23:38

Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 23:33

I take the point about me contacting his ex.
I’d like to say that I had badgered my OH and have been doing so for the past 5 years 😢
thanks for all your view points.

Then stop badgering him. Sort out your own plans and leave him to make his. Don’t try and force your preferences by overstepping as you did, because all it’s going to do (and has done) is blow up in your face.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2022 23:41

Stop badgering him. You’ve had 5 years of this because you’ve let it happen. This year instead of making plans which suit you and telling him to join you or not you’ve taken the nuclear approach as if you’re dobbing him into h

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2022 23:44

Dobbing him in to his mummy.

Back off. You’ve clearly got communication issues between you, I doubt they’re limited to Christmas, so focus on resolving that and leave him ex out of it.

How old is SD?

That neither she nor your partner want to go along with your plan shows how bad it was!

You’ve chosen to be passive for years on end now you’re being controlling.

Pick a better way.

Pallisers · 12/12/2022 23:46

Decide what you want to do that suits you, your children, and your extended family. Tell him your plans and then do it. If he says it doesn't suit tell him trying to arrange with him didn't work and to quote himself "you will do what you want".

I'd be slowing right down on the marriage too.

Notimeforaname · 12/12/2022 23:48

Well there's your problem. Badgering a grown man about his own life.

His ex has nothing to do with how your spend your time.

If your partner doesn't want to plan anything, he simply doesn't want to.

Many people, if you keep badgering them and trying to pull their strings would probably push back on purpose.

Eyerollcentral · 13/12/2022 00:01

I agree with poster above, I absolutely hate being badgered. Going to someone else over my head would really annoy me. I understand you are trying to organise things but you’ve gone about it the wrong way totally. If he doesn’t want to make plans early just make your own and tell him what they are, he can then join in or not. I would feel really infantilised in this situation and I can see why the step daughter thinks you’ve over stepped the mark.

BatshitBanshee · 13/12/2022 00:02

Wait now... He's essentially doing the same thing with you that he's done to his ex - refusing to make plans etc and disregarding your time and opinions - you try to take control to put order on it (because apparently you're a glutton for punishment) and it's backfired and all your fault? And you still want to marry him? Honey the sequel is going to end the same way as the previous one.

What's that old adage... Someone right now is with your ex and believes they are the lucky ones.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2022 00:49

You were out of line to make plans for your OH and his DD. You should have just gone ahead and made your own plans for yourself and your DC and let the chips fall where they may as far as he and his DD go.

But the bigger question is why on Earth you want to marry this man. You've already had 5-6 years of this frustrating behaviour from him (and I bet Xmas isn't the only time he's indecisive/last minute, what makes you think the next 50 years are going to be any better?

As far as screen-shotting your convo, I'm not saying it was right, but did you say anything hurtful or offensive in it or was it just that you knew it'd stir up a hornet's nest? Again, if you hadn't involved yourself in something that was really none of your business, none of this would have happened.

FerryYaBerryLa · 13/12/2022 00:54

Menopausalcraziness · 12/12/2022 20:59

Thanks for your messages.
OH reluctant to make plans and every year it’s last minute. I have taken the step to start conversation with his ex.
Now he’s made decision when to visit extended family in another town, which has upset his ex.
i’m now to blame as I began the conversation!
OH has screen shot what he wrote to me and sent to SD, she’s then said it’s nothing to do with me, he’s agreed and said they’ll do what they want. Therefore no consideration to my feelings and I feel my conversation with him is private. He must now agree as he won’t allow me to take a screen shot of his conversation with SD.

Why did you sidestep your OH to start discussing Christmas plans with his ex?

Tinkerbyebye · 13/12/2022 01:10

What he has done is wrong, he shouldn’t screen shot conversations and I would be having a conversation with him about that and trust. If you can’t trust him what’s the point of the relationship ?

I would also state you have learnt your lesson, you like to be organised early so that’s what you will do, organise what you and your kids will be doing and let him know. It’s then up to him to let you know by xx date if he is coming with you or making his own plans

I wouldn’t be marrying him

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