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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think trying to persuade children to believe in Santa is wrong?

86 replies

antelopevalley · 12/12/2022 09:27

Most children reach the age where they begin to question the existence of Father Christmas. I think it is fine when children ask if he is real to say, what do you think? But I see some parents going to elaborate lengths to persuade questioning children to keep believing.

I think there comes a point where this switches from a nice story to have magic in your children's life, to lying to your children so that as a parént you can enjoy them believing.

I get in terms of things we all do wrong this is fairly minor, but I do think it is better if children are told the truth by parents about Santa when they ask a direct question.

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 12/12/2022 09:30

Very torn on this. I think you're right, but I also know that if my seven year old started asking questions, I would try and prolong it for her. It's such a short time in their lives when they can accept this magic and once it's gone, it's gone.

So in conclusion, you're right but I'll do the wrong thing if I need to.

LlynTegid · 12/12/2022 09:31

Depends on age I think. And when you admit he is not real, explaining in a nice way why you followed the tradition.

TheKeatingFive · 12/12/2022 09:31

Depends on age. 11, yes. 7, no.

ElephantInTheKitchen · 12/12/2022 09:32

My mum took this attitude when I was 5 and started asking questions.

Tbh I think it was a bit miserable of her to not even try to keep the pretence up!

pointythings · 12/12/2022 09:33

I agree with you. When they start questioning they're usually ready to not believe. The key thing is how you handle it - when ours worked it out, we praised them for being so clever and deducing that it was us who did the presents, so they felt it was their achievement. Our oldest was happy to be sworn to secrecy until her sister worked it out for herself so she could also have that moment of 'I did it!'. When they had both stopped believing we brought in a new tradition where they got a budget to buy presents for each family member and we'd go Christmas shopping in pairs so that everyone could buy secretly for everyone else. It was always a great day out.

KangarooKenny · 12/12/2022 09:33

I just told mine that he only comes to those who believe. I got another year out of it !

SpinningFloppa · 12/12/2022 09:36

I hate the “if you don’t believe you don’t receive” nonsense people actually telling their kids this 🤦🏻

Fimofriend · 12/12/2022 09:36

We have never encouraged anyone to believe in Santa in my family and none of my friends do it. I don't like the concept and find it to be old fashioned and not appealing at all

KangarooKenny · 12/12/2022 09:37

SpinningFloppa · 12/12/2022 09:36

I hate the “if you don’t believe you don’t receive” nonsense people actually telling their kids this 🤦🏻

But they do still get presents, so that’s nonsense.

DrNo007 · 12/12/2022 09:37

Yes in my view it’s wrong and the wrong starts from parents’ very first claim that there is a Santa. I felt betrayed when I found out at my parents had lied to me all those years and it made me think they could lie about other things too. Plus even when I still believed in Santa I couldn’t make sense of the fact they were telling me not to talk to strange men, didn’t matter who they said they were, yet I was supposed to welcome some completely unknown-to-me old bloke in my bedroom at night…

Himawarigirl · 12/12/2022 09:37

I never pushed it, I’m saying it’s Santa for my youngest still but my 7 and 9 year old are pretty sure it’s me and are super appreciative of the care and effort that goes into choosing their parents. I know it probably makes me sound precious and my sister rolled her eyes at me, but I don’t like actively lying to my children once they start asking questions. So I don’t go to great lengths to dissuade them, give non commital answers and leave it to them to decide.

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 12/12/2022 09:38

I agree.

DS is still a baby but DP and I are both struggling with how on earth we even begin the Santa myth. We’d be happy not to do it at all but SIL has made clear that his cousins need to be protected from the truth! 😁

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/12/2022 09:38

Another one of these?

LoopyLoo1991 · 12/12/2022 09:38

Saw a post on Facebook about a 23 woman complaining her son didn't get any money from the Tooth Fairy for losing is first tooth!
Didn't even occur to her until others pointed it out that the windows being open or closed wouldn't stop the Tooth Fairy getting in, as it was her as a parent that had to leave the money.

Twenty three!

I'd possibly suggest to my friend's son that he set a booby trap for Santa 'just in case' he's real but be light hearted and leave it at that.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/12/2022 09:40

Belief is not an all or nothing thing. DC can both know Santa isn't real and want to believe a bit on Christmas Eve. I think the finality of "you have got to X age, or had said X phrase so now I will tell you Santa isn't real so there is no room for doubt or further belief" is a bit clinical and lacking in joy.

Also, adults tell dc things that aren't true all the time - I'd say religion is part of this, but another example might be things like "playing fair is best in the end" or "you can be anything you want to be". As adults we fully know these things aren't necessarily true, but they create a world we want our DC to live in. It is the same impulse that gets us to hide the more brutal realities of life.

I think a disproportionate amount of space is given on mn to fretting about whether to tell dc about Santa. I have no intention of sitting my 11 and 9yos down and telling them, but I also know that they are old enough to not really believe. It is just a game we are playing together. They appear mentally unscathed by this.

Himawarigirl · 12/12/2022 09:41

@DrNo007 you’ve reminded me that my eldest also found the whole idea of a strange man coming into our house in the night disturbing, ever since she saw him clomping about on the roof in a Peppa Pig episode. So that’s another reason I didn’t go big on Santa! Christmas is still magical without being built on the idea of Santa.

LittleCottage · 12/12/2022 09:43

I don't ever remember feeling like I'd been deceived when I found out Father Christmas wasn't real. I don't even remember the actual time I realised.

minipie · 12/12/2022 09:45

antelopevalley · 12/12/2022 09:27

Most children reach the age where they begin to question the existence of Father Christmas. I think it is fine when children ask if he is real to say, what do you think? But I see some parents going to elaborate lengths to persuade questioning children to keep believing.

I think there comes a point where this switches from a nice story to have magic in your children's life, to lying to your children so that as a parént you can enjoy them believing.

I get in terms of things we all do wrong this is fairly minor, but I do think it is better if children are told the truth by parents about Santa when they ask a direct question.

I would agree with you except for the fact of younger siblings and other children. My older DD started questioning at around age 7. She has a sister 2 years younger. Yes I did prolong DD1’s belief because I knew that she’d probably tell her younger sister who was only 5.

2 years later DD1 still questioning, age 9, I told her the truth. Thought she was old enough to prefer the truth, and grown up enough to keep it to herself. Told her in a nice way, we are all part of the magic and now you are too, etc etc. She was a) very upset and b) told her younger sister 🙄

helpfulperson · 12/12/2022 09:46

I think a lot of older children pretend to please their parents which is worrying. I agree that when they first ask questions is the time to acknowledge that he isn't a real person but still important. Or at least not insist he is real

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/12/2022 09:46

Dd1 was coming up to 9 when she told me in very matter of fact tones that she knew Father Christmas was me and Daddy, so I might as well admit it.

So I did.
When she was in her early 20s she told me she’d been dying for me to deny it, so she could go on believing a little longer. I so wish I had!

I suspect many kids are the same - strongly suspecting, but want to go on believing anyway.

And I don’t call it ‘lying’ BTW - to me it’s just innocent make-believe. I never once felt that my own parents had lied to me. On the contrary, I was very grateful for that magical excitement of childhood Christmas Eves.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 12/12/2022 09:50

I’m amazed that so many people think children believe at 11/12. Unless there are SEN I would be concerned at the lack of critical thinking in a secondary aged child.

I also think that if a young child asks the question, they should be told the truth, whatever age. The question is a result of the child logically reasoning and to lie wrong.

PeachSquashAddict · 12/12/2022 09:52

pointythings · 12/12/2022 09:33

I agree with you. When they start questioning they're usually ready to not believe. The key thing is how you handle it - when ours worked it out, we praised them for being so clever and deducing that it was us who did the presents, so they felt it was their achievement. Our oldest was happy to be sworn to secrecy until her sister worked it out for herself so she could also have that moment of 'I did it!'. When they had both stopped believing we brought in a new tradition where they got a budget to buy presents for each family member and we'd go Christmas shopping in pairs so that everyone could buy secretly for everyone else. It was always a great day out.

Oh I love this approach!! Thanks for the info, my eldest is 4 so hopefully have a while before needed but definitely will do this when the time comes!

TheKeatingFive · 12/12/2022 09:54

I’m amazed that so many people think children believe at 11/12. Unless there are SEN I would be concerned at the lack of critical thinking in a secondary aged child

I'm in ROI. It's not unheard of here. Just a more innocent culture presumably.

Original poster
antelopevalley · 12/12/2022 09:55

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER That is why I think asking the question - what do you think - is a good first response.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 12/12/2022 09:56

I have told them, across their years, that magic will exist for as long as they believe. That statement encompasses Santa, the tooth fairy, goodies always beating baddies, fairness and justice, wishes coming true - the whole lot of it. We know as adults that justice rarely prevails and the bad guys hold all the power. But cynicism is for adults and my kids very happily live in a bubble where they feel safe and happy.

Long may it continue.