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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister's partner

36 replies

Tickty · 12/12/2022 06:26

My sister has been with her boyfriend for 4 years. He has three children from a previous relationship. They live together.

She's never met the kids, he sees them every other weekend (he travels to them, 3 hours away) and he takes them on holiday twice a year.

He was getting divorced from the kid's mum when he met my sister - that divorce is still being 'sorted' because it's tricky.

AIBU to think this is massively unusual and he's lying? I can't stand him, though, so my judgement is clouded.

OP posts:
Outtasteamandluck · 12/12/2022 06:36

It's off they've been together 4 years and cohabiting and she's not met his kids.

I haven't met DP's kids either and we've been together a similar amount of time. We don't live together though.

Lives are more complicated as we get older but how long has the divorce been going on ?

What's complicated about it ? How did he end up being 3 hours away ? Does he stay overnight when he goes ? If so, where ? How long had he been split from ex before they met and moved in together ?

It doesn't sound immediately dodgy but more info will help to decide. Why don't you like him ?

Original poster
Tickty · 12/12/2022 06:50

how long has the divorce been going on ?
Since she met him, so over 4 years

What's complicated about it ?
Apparently, deciding how to split the money

How did he end up being 3 hours away ?
For work

Does he stay overnight when he goes ?
Yes
If so, where ?
He did stay at the family home but now it's an airbnb

How long had he been split from ex before they met and moved in together ?
6 months (although for another year he said his ex wife asked if they could still pretend to be together) they moved in together 6 weeks after meeting.

OP posts:
MRex · 12/12/2022 06:52

All very fishy, I'd assume he's still with the "ex" wife.

LadyHarmby · 12/12/2022 07:06

Which bit do you think he’s lying about?

Original poster
Tickty · 12/12/2022 07:08

MRex · 12/12/2022 06:52

All very fishy, I'd assume he's still with the "ex" wife.

That's what I think. I thought he'd get caught out sooner or later but my sister is utterly in love and doesn't ask questions or delve into the answers he gives. She She's very trusting person.

I'm not!

OP posts:
RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 12/12/2022 07:36

Incredibly odd that he never brings his kids back to his own actual house. Never spends a Christmas with them, never two weeks over the summer where he has them for an extended period of time. Presumably the airbnb is expensive too so it would make much more sense for him to just drive them back as 3 hours isn't insane. If they're living together and 4 years into the relationship it's also very odd to have never met the kids. What is his justification for all of this?

Herejustforthisone · 12/12/2022 07:50

I’d have to let him know I was on to him. I’d want him to squirm and make it clear I expected him to do something that might make my sister unhappy, but would ultimately set her free of this inadequate man.

Beamur · 12/12/2022 07:52

I reckon he's still with his wife too and conveniently working away..

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/12/2022 08:17

I dont know, depending on what the kids do at the weekend (if they have clubs etc) then maybe they'd rather do that and carry on with their life while seeing their dad, rather than doing a 6 hour round trip to hang out somewhere without all their stuff handy? Maybe the ex would kick off if she knew he had another partner. I dont think on it's own its suspicious but it does sound like its become routine now and is unlikely to change so if your sister isnt happy with it then she has a choice to make

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/12/2022 08:18

Does he definitely pay for the air b n b

vivainsomnia · 12/12/2022 08:27

Does he pay maintenance?

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:29

Has she seen pictures of the kids?

Has she been present when he’s on the phone to the kids mother to sort out arrangements?

LlynTegid · 12/12/2022 08:30

I think even if there is no sexual relationship with his wife, he is not intending to divorce at all. Sad that it may be yet another woman being duped.

ScarlettSunset · 12/12/2022 08:31

Hard to say. Perhaps he doesn't want the kids to meet his new partner until after the divorce is all sorted out.
And the financial side of divorce really can drag on for years. Mine certainly did as my ex h kept making excuses for not providing information when requested.

PaterPower · 12/12/2022 08:35

I can’t see how he’d get away with “working away” for rigid fortnight blocks for 4 years - any wife would smell a rat with that sort of pattern.

And they’d be talking at nights and on the weekends he was away, which your sister would twig. So I think it might be wishful thinking on your part, OP, that he’s still in a relationship with his exW.

I do think it’s bloody odd that he’s not wanted to introduce your sister at any point in 4 years, or to bring the kids back for at least one of the holiday periods. He must earn well to afford CMS, plus travel costs, his AirBnB and then regular holidays too. Does he pay his way at your Sister’s or is he mooching off her rent free?

EnjoythemoneyJane · 12/12/2022 08:36

He’s married.

CheeseIsMyPatronus · 12/12/2022 08:38

He’s still with his wife. It happened to my cousin, over 5 years.

America12 · 12/12/2022 08:41

Happened to my friend, he was married. He had her arrested for stalking him , she had evidence to show the police eg holiday photos etc.

Wrongsideofpennines · 12/12/2022 08:42

How old are they and the children? I think its odd that the important people in his life haven't met in 4 years. If he takes his kids on holiday then why not with his partner too? And have they met on facetime or anything? Or do his kids just not know she exists?

Once the divorce is finalised what difference would this make? They already live together and I doubt the frequency of seeing them will change, particularly if he hasn't introduced her to them so far I doubt he will suddenly have equal shared custody - they've never even been to his house.

It all sounds very odd and at this stage I'd be asking why.

Sartre · 12/12/2022 08:54

Not meeting his DC after four years is crazy. I think he’s still with his wife personally and tells her he’s ‘working away’.

LadyHarmby · 12/12/2022 09:17

I don’t think he can still be his wife. He’s there one night every fortnight for four years? Not many marriages that are like that. Plus as a PP said, they be talking on the phone in between times.

DarkShade · 12/12/2022 09:42

Does he go on holiday with the wife or just the kids? Has the rest of his family met your sister?

Idk I think in these circumstances I would not introduce kids to new partner either. But agree it's weird that he's not yet divorced.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 12/12/2022 09:43

After 4 years she should have definitely met his kids. That is bizarre that he never has the kids in his home. Are you sure he has not only got supervised rights to them? That would be my worry that he can only have them when someone else is around and the reason for it.

realynotfair · 12/12/2022 10:30

It took me 3 1/2 years to sort the finances to divorce and friends have taken longer so that could be true.

Beamur · 12/12/2022 14:39

It can happen. My friend was in a relationship, spent lots of time together, went on holiday, she knew he had an ex and kids. Only realised that the ex wasn't actually an ex when he confessed his wife (whom he had been with all along) was pregnant.