Emetophobic but desperately want a baby

[patriciathestripperr]

Hi all,

I desperately want a baby but I suffer from extreme emetophobia (phobia of vomiting). I am also suffering with fertility issues.

I've had the absolute worst year of my life due to my fertility issues and I didn't even think I'd be in the position today where trying naturally is actually an option. It's now or never for natural conception - it might work, it might not. Since my diagnosis I have been mentally at rock bottom, the thought that I might not be able to have a baby has destroyed me. I can't explain how much of a dark place I have been in so for me to potentially have a chance at natural conception is incredible.

However...
I suffer with extreme emetophobia which has controlled every aspect of my life. I'm disgusted with myself for even falling back into the emetophobias grasp when a few weeks ago id have risked it all to get pregnant. But I'm back panicking about being bloody sick during pregnancy. (If pregnancy is still even possible!!) I have seen a psychiatrist for the phobia for many years but unfortunately it hasn't been successful.

I want a baby so bad, my fertility issues have about killed me yet I get a potential second chance and I'm back to panicking about being sick and talking myself back out of it!!!

Please can someone help me in any way? I'm just so fed up of being this way with the phobia.

@AnnieSnap

Yes they have definitely been clinical psychologists - I've seen community nurses too who have openly admitted it's a specialist subject to treat so I haven't expected it from them.

It was actually my gp who laughed at me! Not just a giggle either - he found it hilarious!

Then I've had others throughout the nhs who have told me they don't even know what emetophobia is and there's no way they will be able to treat it as nobody there knows what it is. Honestly my experience has been shocking. My current therapist is good but we just seem to be going in circles. I have improved don't get me wrong - but the improvement isn't life changing. Maybe with time with this therapist it has the potential to be life changing but I just don't have time on my side fertility wise. Xx

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this; unfortunately, I don't think most people understand phobias. A phobia is not something you just don't like (e.g. blood tests make me very nevous), it's something you are so terrified of that it limits your life. Many of the above responses, while well intended, are only temporarily reassuring you that many pregnancies are fine, that it's not that big a deal even if you go through it, etc. But it WILL be a big deal to you unless you sort out the phobia itself. Given that you've been seeing paychologists for this since childhood, I suspect the whole pregnancy nausea fear is just the cherry on top of all the issues this has caused you through the years (fear of flying/car travelling, fear of bugs, fear of getting sick, not being able to go on rides at theme parks, avoiding alcohol, etc.).

I don't have phobias, but I have OCD, which in some ways is closely related. You need appropriate help and unfortunately (and I know how hard that is), exposure is the only way through. You are right that getting an understanding of the root cause would probably be beneficial as well. Keep looking for that therapist. If your ematophobia is severe, I'd pause the TTC for a few months until you are in a better place, as every month you'll just be feeling so anxious and having mixed feelings about the possibility of getting pregnant, which you don't want to add to an already difficult TTC journey (from your OP I gather it hasn't been easy so far).

Unfortunately I think it needs some exposure therapy.

Kids puking on your feet and the first 6 months of your child at nursery where they will be back to back sick is tricky.

I don't mean to be harsh but it's how it is. I wish someone had been clearer with me about it before I had kids.

I agree with pp, morning sickness is a lazy trope on telly, same as your waters popping and the baby being born ten minutes later after some mild banter and panting.

I've had two pregnancies, don't think I was sick but had mild nausea, only wanted beige food for a month or so.

But with kids, vomit is a part of life unfortunately. You'd need a way to manage as DH wouldn't be there always and tbh there are times when everyone is sick at the same time. It does get a bit grim with needing lots of bedding changes in a night etc.

Is it you being sick that's panicking you at the moment, or the prospect of your child being ill?

Only going from my own experience, but I've had 5 pregnancies and haven't been sick once, nor any nausea. My eldest is 13, and in all those years, only 1 of my children has had a sickness bug, once, and this was a couple of months ago l. There's every chance you will be fine.

I was sick everyday of my pregnancies…

OP please make sure you get therapy before having kids. Kids are sick. And if they go to nursery they will be sick ALOT.

My friends mum had emetophobia snd he is traumatised himself now from her reactions to him being sick. She even shut him outside once while he was little as she didn’t know what to do with him.

I'm not emetophobic, but do have phobia around germs / food poisoning and D&V bugs. Funnily enough, pregnancy, where I was one of the unlucky few who did vomit regularly, I was fine because I "knew" why I was being sick. It wasn't germs, it was explained and it did become predictable. I was able to explain to people why I felt sick and people understood it well. All in all it was just a lot less anxiety than I have around sickness for any other reason.

I was recommended the "thrive" program for my phobias which I am just starting to look into, if that's of any help? They have specific emetophobia courses you can do.

I never vomited. I felt sick but want actually sick.

I suffer with sickness phobia too (though by the sounds of it, not as intense as you) and I've had 3 children. It's not easy, I won't pretend it is, but it's short lived and very manageable! I got cyclizine with each pregnancy which helps dramatically! Also make sure you put it in your birth plan that you want cyclizine in labour as contractions and pushing can cause vomiting, but the shot of cyclizine they can give you in labour is fantastic and I was never actually sick in labour because I made sure they knew I needed it early on. Good luck!

I'm also emetaphobic. It affects my life everyday. I hate it.

I had nausea in pregnancy but never sickness. No of my family have had pregnancy sickness either. In my first pregnancy I was busy travelling and working out of the house and that helped take my mind off it. In my second pregnancy I was working from home in lockdown and needed anti nausea drugs to cope. My GP was happy to prescribe them for my emetaphobia and pregnancy nausea.

I don't mind baby spit up.

My kids have not been sick much. My oldest didn't get a stomach bug till she was 3. My husband deals with it whenever he can. I try to stay home from work for all other illnesses (covid, ear infections) and do doctors/dentist appointments etc so he can have time off for stomach bugs or he takes the first day when they are actually sick and I do the second day onwards when they are just recovering/diarrhoea/observing 48 hr rule. I have never caught the kids bugs and my husband has only once. They've never caught them from each other either. We have more than one bathroom and are carefull with hygiene when anyone is sick.

@ichangedmynameforthis123

Thank you! You've completely summed it up in one.
My phobia isn't just me not liking being sick (who does?!). It does interfere with every aspect including those which you have said!

I also have ocd and have to perform so many rituals/compulsions to 'prevent' me from being sick!!

I am going to continue my exposure therapy - I was hoping that I could somehow talk my way out of this but after almost 30 years I think I've proved I can't unfortunately.

Thank you x

@AegonT

Thank you - it's lovely hearing the other side from someone else with emetophobia. It truly is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I know I would be a good mother but I do worry for when my child (if I manage to conceive) does get sick that I will not cope. My partner I know will be excellent but it's not the point :(

It's such a dark place to be after all of my fertility struggles (which have been the worst experience of my life), to be catapulted back to fearing actually getting pregnant due to sickness after spending months and months and months crying myself to sleep at the thought that it won't ever happen. It's so frustrating that I can have so many conflicting feelings. Xx

Thank you all so much for your comments - reading through them all again tonight.

I feel really selfish even talking about my phobia when I, like so many others, have fertility problems too. It does seem like the majority haven't experienced vomiting during pregnancy so that does hugely comfort me.

I am really concerned how I would look after a sick child with a bug I can't lie. I hope that confidence would come with time. I might not even be able to get pregnant still - but for the first time ever I feel like there's hope - on both parts. X

I'm emetophobc too, I worried hugely about morning sickness, as like you I haven't been sick since I was a child.

If you read a bit more online there is some evidence that emetophobic people almost train themselves to not vomit. I had no morning sickness throughout my pregnancy, mild nausea in th evenings but I worked out that was lack of fluids, so stay hydrated.

The sickness bugs as they get older are still a big fear, mine is 10yo and though divorced now I had a very supportive husband who I knew would take over if I needed him, even in the years we have been divorced he has on occasion agreed to take him if there's any sign of a vomiting bug.

When I have had to deal with it, which has been rare I've coped just fine, full panic mode internally but developed my own coping mechanisms and it's all ok.

I do understand your fear, but honestly you will be ok.

You can take drugs for the nausea, and morning sickness isn't like a bug, it feels different, much more manageable and not the unexpected and dreadful feeling.

I know it's been mentioned before but hypnotherapy CAN stop emetophobia. Think of it like a switch in your mind that was turned on in your childhood when there was some V related incident and your brain said "I am going to everything in my power to keep you safe from that". A good hypnotherapist can simply turn off that switch. You will remember having the phobia but the fear and dread will be gone, permanently.

I actually don't think morning sickness will be the thing that is most difficult for you. For the first 4 or 5 years kids get sick a lot and they are crap at getting it in to a bowl or the toilet, which means a lot of cleaning up sick over the years. A pp said she made her child clean up after himself from early on so she only had to clean it up once in 18 years. I actually think making a poorly baby/toddler clean up their sick because you have issues is cruel and selfish.

I'm emetophobia, though not as severely as you by the sounds of it.

I never vomited during pregnancy but I did have bad nausea. After a while I kind of got used to it. I actually had norovirus very very badly while I was pregnant to the extent I ended up in hospital on a drip. It was dreadful obviously but something positive that came out of it was that I learned that I can be very very sick and still survive it. By the time I'd vomited 30 times the fear of actually vomiting had almost gone and had been replaced by worry for the baby (who was fine!)

Since DD was born we've dealt with a couple of sickness bugs. I've amazed myself at how I can deal with DD even when I'm scared of catching the bug myself.

Could you take prophylactic anti-sickness medicine? I had appalling sickness from week 7-19 and I had a prescription (admittedly private and unbelievably expensive) for Xonvea, which was incredible. No tiredness and not a whiff of nausea. Do not bother Cyclizine, complete waste of time.