Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel?

32 replies

Ireallydontknowwhatsgoingon · 12/12/2022 00:46

How would you feel if the man you are with told you he has booked a holiday with his daughter and his ex (daughters mum). All going together for his daughters birthday next year? He told me he wants to show his daughter that they still get on his

OP posts:
Original poster
Ireallydontknowwhatsgoingon · 12/12/2022 00:46

Didn’t mean the his at the end.

OP posts:
HelllBaby · 12/12/2022 00:48

Id say she's not his ex

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 00:49

Depends. If he was generally a decent father, a decent man, eager to ease life for his DD after her parents split up - I’d think well of him.

Sounds like you don't trust him with his ex? Is that about him or your insecurity?

TheShellBeach · 12/12/2022 00:49

I would not be at all happy about this.
How long have you been together and has he got form for doing things which give you cause for concern?

nancydroo · 12/12/2022 00:51

That would make me feel like I was on the periphery of someone else's family, someone else's life. Here's an idea, he should invite you along too to show his daughter how well you ALL get on. For his daughters sake of course

heartbroken22 · 12/12/2022 01:09

I'd say they're giving it another shot

HelllBaby · 12/12/2022 01:34

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 00:49

Depends. If he was generally a decent father, a decent man, eager to ease life for his DD after her parents split up - I’d think well of him.

Sounds like you don't trust him with his ex? Is that about him or your insecurity?

Insecurity? Surely if there was nothing to worry about the OP would have been invited along too, along with the ex's potential partner and so on.

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 01:37

HelllBaby · 12/12/2022 01:34

Insecurity? Surely if there was nothing to worry about the OP would have been invited along too, along with the ex's potential partner and so on.

Show quote history

Really? Man, his ex-wife/partner, his daughter…..and his new girlfriend? Seriously?

dolor · 12/12/2022 01:38

This actually wouldn't bother me inside a relationship. If a relationship is secure and there's nothing untoward going on, then it's a co-parenting event.

If you have genuine reason to worry over this, then that's different. They need to co-parent, which can mean doing things together.

girlmom21 · 12/12/2022 01:39

It depends what their relationship is normally like, and what the holiday is.

A trip to Disneyland with a family room or separate rooms? Fine.
A trip to the Maldives? Nope.

HelllBaby · 12/12/2022 01:40

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 01:37

Really? Man, his ex-wife/partner, his daughter…..and his new girlfriend? Seriously?

Show quote history

So hang on, man, ex-wife and daughter is ok and innocent, but not that innocent that they can't bring along their partners and show the DD how they all get along great and there is no issues between them? I don't understand the logic.

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 01:46

HelllBaby · 12/12/2022 01:40

So hang on, man, ex-wife and daughter is ok and innocent, but not that innocent that they can't bring along their partners and show the DD how they all get along great and there is no issues between them? I don't understand the logic.

Show quote history

Man and ex-wife are parents to the daughter. That’s the logic. It’s a family holiday. It’s not a trip to show the child how grown-up her parents can be (assuming these ones can be).

HelllBaby · 12/12/2022 01:49

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 01:46

Man and ex-wife are parents to the daughter. That’s the logic. It’s a family holiday. It’s not a trip to show the child how grown-up her parents can be (assuming these ones can be).

Show quote history

He told me he wants to show his daughter that they still get on

NuffSaidSam · 12/12/2022 02:01

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 01:46

Man and ex-wife are parents to the daughter. That’s the logic. It’s a family holiday. It’s not a trip to show the child how grown-up her parents can be (assuming these ones can be).

Show quote history

But they're not a family anymore.

They're two families now.

It is odd to holiday with your ex-partner.

NuffSaidSam · 12/12/2022 02:02

Rightly or wrongly, I wouldn't like this. I think it's over involved.

GoT1904 · 12/12/2022 02:03

Nope nope nope. Would not like this at all.

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 02:10

HelllBaby · 12/12/2022 01:49

He told me he wants to show his daughter that they still get on

Show quote history

Yes - father and mother still get on, despite having split up. No?

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 02:14

NuffSaidSam · 12/12/2022 02:01

But they're not a family anymore.

They're two families now.

It is odd to holiday with your ex-partner.

Show quote history

Well, personally I don’t subscribe to this view. From the child’s perspective - her parents are her parents, whether married or divorced. They are her family. Her dad’s gf, mother’s bf are not equal members of two different families between which she is split. From the child’s perspective it doesn’t work that way. Not for a long long time after the split.

knittingaddict · 12/12/2022 02:17

At the very least it is confusing for the child and blurs boundaries. Some children cling on to the hope that mummy and daddy will get back together. I'm not sure a holiday like this is healthy for the child despite how it us wrapped up to appear caring. I'm sure others with disagree, but that's how I feel.

I also wouldn't be happy from a relationship point of view. It's too messy.

NuffSaidSam · 12/12/2022 02:18

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 02:14

Well, personally I don’t subscribe to this view. From the child’s perspective - her parents are her parents, whether married or divorced. They are her family. Her dad’s gf, mother’s bf are not equal members of two different families between which she is split. From the child’s perspective it doesn’t work that way. Not for a long long time after the split.

Show quote history

We'll, that's fine. Each to their own.

I think from a practical perspective, you're not helping the child to understand or accept their new reality by continuing to pretend that you're one family anymore.

I do agree with you that the parents' new partners will never be equal to her parents though. But that doesn't mean they can't go on holiday together. You don't have to only holiday with your parents or people who have equal status to your parents.

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 02:37

NuffSaidSam · 12/12/2022 02:18

We'll, that's fine. Each to their own.

I think from a practical perspective, you're not helping the child to understand or accept their new reality by continuing to pretend that you're one family anymore.

I do agree with you that the parents' new partners will never be equal to her parents though. But that doesn't mean they can't go on holiday together. You don't have to only holiday with your parents or people who have equal status to your parents.

Show quote history

This is true, for sure. But, even older children can struggle to understand the rupturing of their family. Often children of parents who split up required to grow up fast, behave with a maturity beyond their years. I think it’s okay for them not to have to accept a new reality quickly. It’s okay to hate it, mind it, want it not to have happened etc. It will eventually have to change, for the child’s sake - but that should happen at the child’s pace, not the adults’. Going away with your separated parents, for the child to acclimate to “we’re united in parenthood but not as a couple, one day one or both of us may have a new partner but we will always be your mum and dad” can be reassuring. It can help the child adjust to her parents as people outside of their relationship with her, and understand that those lives outside parenthood need not threaten that parenthood.

It can be so, so complex, or it could be easy. But I do think the focus should be on the child who didn’t ask for any of this, not on the adults who are making choices and certainly not their new girl/boyfriends.

NuffSaidSam · 12/12/2022 02:46

Suemademedoit · 12/12/2022 02:37

This is true, for sure. But, even older children can struggle to understand the rupturing of their family. Often children of parents who split up required to grow up fast, behave with a maturity beyond their years. I think it’s okay for them not to have to accept a new reality quickly. It’s okay to hate it, mind it, want it not to have happened etc. It will eventually have to change, for the child’s sake - but that should happen at the child’s pace, not the adults’. Going away with your separated parents, for the child to acclimate to “we’re united in parenthood but not as a couple, one day one or both of us may have a new partner but we will always be your mum and dad” can be reassuring. It can help the child adjust to her parents as people outside of their relationship with her, and understand that those lives outside parenthood need not threaten that parenthood.

It can be so, so complex, or it could be easy. But I do think the focus should be on the child who didn’t ask for any of this, not on the adults who are making choices and certainly not their new girl/boyfriends.

Show quote history

I agree with you on everything, except that divorced parents holidaying together is beneficial to the child. I don't think it is. I think it's confusing and just prolongs the adjustment period. Having clear boundaries will help the child heal faster and hopefully come to terms with their new reality more quickly.

avamiah · 12/12/2022 02:48

@Ireallydontknowwhatsgoingon
I’ll keep it short for you ,
Move ON .

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/12/2022 03:03

It is a form of co parenting. My ex and I have taken our daughter on holiday together and it wasn’t about us wanting to get back together. Nor did we. It was about giving our daughter that family experience of a family holiday which she very much wanted.

That is how we choose to parent.

If separated parents can put their differences aside to be able to get along and co parent their children that is really beneficial for the children.

If you feel uncomfortable about their co parenting arrangements then this isn’t the relationship for you. You deserve to be with someone you are compatible with and so does he.

ButtonandPickle19 · 12/12/2022 03:39

I think it all depends on how long you have been together.

Swipe left for the next trending thread