I regret having my child

[Botantic]

I feel absolutely awful for thinking / feeling this way but I hate my life.
I’ve got a 4 year old son who I love and who I want the best for in life, but I’m so exhausted and burnt out.

He’s possibly ND - maybe ASD/ADHD nothing has been diagnosed yet.
He’s really very clever and quick and that’s what makes things so hard, you can never fool him.

He doesn’t sleep well at night, so we’re all permanently exhausted. Some nights (like last night) he’ll wake up and won’t go back to sleep for over an hour, even in our bed. During that time he’s crying, screaming and having a full on tantrum, because he’s so tired most likely.
I use a pillow spray before he goes to bed, he has a bedtime routine including bath and stories. Then he listens to his tonie box until he falls asleep.

Everything we do is wrong, he’s extremely demanding of our time and I guess we’ve done it to ourselves, but he wants us to do everything his way all the time.
He’s very fussy with food and so each time we have dinner, we have to do him something separate, 9 times out of 10 he won’t eat it…he would live off a diet of crisps and chips if he had his way.

I dread the days when it’s just me and him. Like tomorrow.
I’ve booked soft play and meeting a friend, but not until late morning, so I know it’ll be a battle up until that point and on so little sleep too it’s torture, like having a newborn again. His sleep has always been bad, but I thought there might be some improvement by now.

He goes to pre school 4 days a week, but two of those are only half days.

I just want to run away. Even if I close my eyes during the day (as I literally can’t keep them open) he says “Bang!” And jumps on me or claps in my face to wake me up.

Get a door gate for his bedroom. Then ignore him, he's 4. I think you'll both get on better if you're not tired.

If I do that he’ll just scream and scream.
We live in a mid terrace, so I am conscious of the neighbours.

He’s 4, he’ll climb over a stair gate id have thought.

I don’t know much about neuro diversity I’m afraid but wow, shouting ‘bang’ and clapping hands in my half asleep face would REALLY make me see red. Sounds awful OP!

Meant to say - not long til he’s in school all week!

Sounds very difficult… Lots of parents regret being a parent, there’s a whole sub on Reddit dedicated to people in this boat… Hope things get better for you OP

It does sound exhausting. My son didn’t sleep for 5 years and I was drained.

take each issue separately and try to work on them slowly.

my son has a life limiting condition and a number of disabilities (not add or autism) I consulted his doctor and nearly cried about the lack of sleep. After lots of testing he was prescribed melatonin to get him to fall asleep and a slow releasing version to keep him asleep.
it has been life changing!!!!

he is a much calmer child as he is having a full night sleep and I’m happier too.

the food issue is not as important right now. Don’t let it stress you out - once he eats that is all that matters. A lot of children with sensory issues will only eat a limited types of foods.

If he is happy with preschool then maybe put him in longer days - he may enjoy the structure

He’s had a run of illness recently which means he’s missed quite a lot of pre school. Which doesn’t help matters.

For the sleep issue is it possible to discuss this with HV or GP, he might need melatonin.
For behaviour issues (and shouting and clapping in your face) do you use the one warning followed by a consequence?
What do pre school say about him?

You urgently need more support. Speak to GP and any SEND services you can. Any chance of being able to afford a private diagnosis for him? He sounds JUST like my son who has autism and adhd and I was broken before we paid for a private diagnosis and got some melatonin. Life changing, everything is better when you've had enough sleep, all of you.

Where are you in terms of his assessment for ASD etc ? Chase them, and let your doctor know how you're feeling. There are strategies you can use with SEN/ASD so I suggest asking your doctor/health visitor/ or approach Ed psych/ school for resources. I have a son with Autism, he's now 21, and when he was diagnosed, we were sent on a course (this was 2005 mind) where we were given strategies- the paediatrician recommended books by Tony Attwood.
when our son was little i kept a notebook of everything he did, everything he understood and everything he didnt. This was valuable help when he was assesed and valuable to understand him as he grew. You may find some help on the SEN mumsnet board if others have guidance.

The waiting list is over 3 years and because his understanding and speech is so good, we’re not a priority. He doesn’t struggle at school just yet either and so at the moment there’s very little help or support.

Of course the OP can't ignore him all night.

OP you say you suspect neurodiversity. Is he on the waiting list to be assessed?
Go to the gp and complain, complain, complain about the lack of sleep. Ask for a referral to a sleep clinic.

In the meantime, if there are 2 of you, divide and conquer. Both of you need some nights "off" even if its to sleep undisturbed on the sofa.

Is there anything he loves that you can bribe him with eg watching Bing on the IPad in the night if he's very, very quiet (if he isn't quiet then the IPad goes away)?

It's unrealistic and actually quite scary for him to expect him to lie quietly in the dark if his brain isn't letting him sleep. But it's not unreasonable to teach him that other people sleep at night so he needs to be quiet (it may take him some time to get the hang of this mind). Has he got a sleep clock to help him learn when it's "quiet" time?

I also have a 4 year old, diagnosed autistic at 2 and suspected ADHD. Do you have any support? Here you can self refer for occupational therapy (otherwise ask your GP or health visitor to refer you). An appropriate sensory diet may help with managing energy levels and sleep. Preschool may be able to help you access portage services. Any local support groups? Having people to talk to who get it makes a huge difference.

Do you have a partner at home? We used to have split nights. He'd be wide awake for 3-4 hours every night, that was a killer. We would take it in shifts. One of us would do the first couple of hours (he needs constant supervision) and the other would sleep, then we'd swap. As part of his OT assessment one recommendation was to trial a weighted blanket. That literally changed our lives overnight. He still wakes early but now comes into bed with us and goes back to sleep until about 6am (prior to the weighted blanket he'd be bouncing off the walls from 4-5am on top of being awake for several hours).

We also find lots of outdoor physical play involving heavy work (throwing, carrying, pushing, dragging) helps all round, again recommended by OT.

Sounds very much like ASD.
Push for diagnosis.
Good luck.

Get him on Sytron. An iron supplement does a LOT for sleep disturbances and nightmares etc. try it.

Can he go to pre school more days so that you get more time away and he gets tired out more?

The best thing you can do whilst you’re waiting for diagnosis is figure out all of his needs.

Once you know what all his sensory, emotional, physical needs are you can then start meeting those needs. Once you start meeting his needs life will calm down and become much more manageable and even sometimes enjoyable.

Make a list of all the things he “demands” from you - he is communicating his needs to you loud and clear. Rather than fighting against them, meet them. His fussy eating isn’t fussy eating, it is sensory - certain foods will be literally revolting (texture / taste / unpredictability), don’t force him to eat anything he says he hates. Give him supplements and give him his safe foods, he’ll be fine.

Does he need full body pressure, heavy work etc as a PP has suggested? Does he need to swing or spin or smash or squish things? Does he need more music, or less? Does screen time help? Watch him to see what he does to regulate and give him safe versions of that! Do his clothes feel ok? Let him wear his favourite things. Are there strong smells in your home (laundry, perfume, air sprays, cleaners) and are they too much for him? Does he actually enjoy the bath? Many Autistic people hate the feeling of air on wet skin. Does he need ear defenders? Does he actually enjoy soft play? It’s a sensory nightmare for many Autistic people!

If he needs things just so, then do things just so for him - unless he is a danger to himself or others just stop battling with him.

Autistic / ADHD kids need a whole different type of parenting. You are not “being soft” or permissive. Let go of all the arbitrary rules we have given to ourselves around what we “should” do, and create an environment for your son that meets all his needs.

Forget about appearances, societal expectations, old fashioned discipline etc. Work with him to identify his needs, meet them, and watch!

Am utterly exhausted after Avery long day but couldn’t read and collapse 🥱
Your situation sounds really tough and very similar to mine when DS was a similar age. ADHD diagnosed, autistic traits possibly autism, DLA EHCP. Threats and promises do not significantly impact behaviour.

Melatonin✔️
Look for local offer and start working towards EHCP
There is hope, there is support. It’s really hard coping on not enough sleep for years on end (9 and counting but still far, far better than 5 years ago).
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling a sense of loss for the parent you envisaged you would be.
Best of luck.

Every 4 year old I know would simply vault over a gate, even a dog gate!

Excellent reply.

My daughter has ASD and dear god those first few years were absolutely relentless, exhausting, painful and depressing. I was walking on eggshells constantly. It will get better, find things that help, a heavy blanket has helped my daughter sleep better. Take rules and thoughts you've had on screen time and bin them, ASD children often use screen time to self regulate. Also, as hard as it is right now there is hope that things will improve this is the hardest time of the year for my daughter with the disruption around Christmas, part time school was hard for my daughter too going full time definitely helped.

My daughter is almost 6 and was diagnosed this year, her self confidence and self esteem has improved since diagnosis it feels like she has an improved sense of identity. Her behaviours are generally more manageable now she's a little older although meltdowns are still a thing and so hard to contain given that she's bigger and stronger now.

Sending love and hugs, you aren't alone xxx

Warn neighbours - we managed to gate all of ours. .

OP my oldest has ASD and ADHd and parenting him is mentally, psychically and emotionally exhausting. People have no idea unless they do it. I have 2 other children who are half the work of my eldest because they are neurotypical. The best thing I can suggest is look up Asd strategies and use them including routine, planning, visual and verbal reminders, sand timers for changes. Look up sensory processing particularly vestibular and proprecetion senses as helping him in these can make a massive difference. Try keep a diary to work out what’s his triggers is it noise, lights or smells etc and minimise these if you can. As for food if he is autistic he may well have food sensory difficulties so just let him eat what he will eat within reason. We have really set rules, boundaries etc and they have all made a massive difference as well as knowing and minimising were he struggles. He hates certain loud noise for example so we minimise this for him. He hates shops, crowds etc so when I take him shopping it’s to the coop for milk not Tesco for a large food shop. Lots of outdoor time and trampolining, cycling etc helps him loads.

I do wonder how common it is amongst the ND parenting groups to regret having the child.

I adore my DS (2.5 with ASD) but he’s ruined my life. There’s absolutely no way around it. He has made my life significantly harder and less enjoyable than if he’d been neurotyoical. I have a NT child also so unfortunately I can compare and whilst yes ‘all kids are different’ there are some behaviours that are super typical ASD behaviour which make life SOOOO HARD!!!!

Also OP please try get him to take some omega 3 hallibo gummy supplements. They are recommended for children with asd as they are often short in omega3.

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. Is there anyone who can look after him for a couple of mornings so you can get some sleep?