I regret having my child

[Botantic]

I feel absolutely awful for thinking / feeling this way but I hate my life.
I’ve got a 4 year old son who I love and who I want the best for in life, but I’m so exhausted and burnt out.

He’s possibly ND - maybe ASD/ADHD nothing has been diagnosed yet.
He’s really very clever and quick and that’s what makes things so hard, you can never fool him.

He doesn’t sleep well at night, so we’re all permanently exhausted. Some nights (like last night) he’ll wake up and won’t go back to sleep for over an hour, even in our bed. During that time he’s crying, screaming and having a full on tantrum, because he’s so tired most likely.
I use a pillow spray before he goes to bed, he has a bedtime routine including bath and stories. Then he listens to his tonie box until he falls asleep.

Everything we do is wrong, he’s extremely demanding of our time and I guess we’ve done it to ourselves, but he wants us to do everything his way all the time.
He’s very fussy with food and so each time we have dinner, we have to do him something separate, 9 times out of 10 he won’t eat it…he would live off a diet of crisps and chips if he had his way.

I dread the days when it’s just me and him. Like tomorrow.
I’ve booked soft play and meeting a friend, but not until late morning, so I know it’ll be a battle up until that point and on so little sleep too it’s torture, like having a newborn again. His sleep has always been bad, but I thought there might be some improvement by now.

He goes to pre school 4 days a week, but two of those are only half days.

I just want to run away. Even if I close my eyes during the day (as I literally can’t keep them open) he says “Bang!” And jumps on me or claps in my face to wake me up.

@Botantic first off you don’t regret having him it’s just that right now you are overwhelmed, exhausted and it all seems a bit much. I have been there and it does get better.
First off you need to decide do you want or just go in all guns blazing and this is our new routine (that’s how I did it, like ripping of a plaster) or change one thing at a time. The sleep is horrific so first of try getting him to stay in his room even if he wakes. We bought a day/night clock for DD and gave her a box beside her bed with books, diary and pencil case in it. She was not allowed out of bed whilst the moon was on unless for the toilet and if she woke those were her options. It didn’t work instantly but we persevered. We ignored all crying and screaming. She got told firmly once that that it was time for bed, good night. It took about 3-4 weeks to see the difference and now 3 years later still works like a charm.

We got her a box of learning games, puzzles, pads, colouring and jigsaws. She chooses 2 activities to do each night before bed then we do her routine and story. She also listens to a cd to fall over.

If the eating is a big issue, one thing we did was we stopped telling her what she was getting and literally just out it out in front of her. If she didn’t eat it she got nothing until supper. We got super strict on acceptable snacks so would only be offered 2 options at a time eg apple or yogurt. If she said no then I said oh well you can’t be hungry then. Treats like crisps or sweets were weekend only and usually part of a family movie night.

My dd doesn’t have a diagnosis and it’s not something we pursued because she copes well at school, is extremely smart and responds well to the strategies we have in place. IF at some point in the further we feel it would benefit her to know then we will 100% get her tested, just right now we are happy with her progress.

Sorry this is so long and I hope there is something helpful for you. I just know that when I was there I was so tired and found it so hard to talk to anyone in real life as most people only talk about positive things. ‘Oh no mine sleeps all night and eats fruit and vegetables all day!’

Fellow ASD parent here. Start a sleep diary and ask your GP for melatonin.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, OP.
I'm a single Mum to ND twins (on waiting list for assessment) and it's bloody relentless/soul-destroying.
One twin lashes out at me physically and some days I'm just fucking broken by bed time.
I don't regret having them, as they have made me a better person. But do I sometimes wish the Father was around, that both weren't ND and that life wasn't so hard? Yep.

With one of my DNs ASD my bil has to take him out for a walk everyday, rain wind or shine, for him to sleep. Get reins / harnesses for 4 yos and just take him out - with it being so cold that can help because they burn more energy.

Get a door gate for his bedroom. Then ignore him, he's 4. I think you'll both get on better if you're not tired.

You don’t lock a child away in their room, especially if they have additional needs - what if they need their parent during the night, or need the toilet?

OP he may be managing at pre-school or he may be masking and then reacting in the safety of home. Start treating him “as if” he has a diagnosis, look for areas of stress and try to avoid situations arising, eg keep an eye out for sensory processing difficulties and either provide more sensory feedback (weighted blanket, slime, water etc) or provide less (make his room calm, put toys away so they can’t be seen).

The more you can make his day predictable and routine the better, and give him food you know he’ll eat, even if that means a limited diet for now. You and he don’t need to be fighting about food when you’re both exhausted.

I know how you feel OP my DD7 is very similar, I absolutely dread weekends and after school when she’s home, and I don’t enjoy being her mum at all I feel like I exist on autopilot meeting her and her sisters needs, whilst taking a verbal battering daily, it’s so so hard because I absolutely adore her but I also can’t stand being a mum to ND kids and I wish they were NT. I have 3 ND children and some days I just want to run far far far away (ND myself too)

@Botantic

Hi Op,

I too have a ND DS, he is 7 and only diagnosed this year. He has ASD and ADHD. He is very intelligent.

I did not realise he was ND until this year, I am likely ND too and (now I know more about it) I likely have lots of ND in my family.

I am going to go against the grain and say that, despite his ND, you need to put some firm boundaries in place. In a lot of ways, I'm pleased I did not realise that my DS was ND until recently, as I think I would have changed my parenting style. As it is, DS has always had firm boundaries around bedtime and respecting other people's space. He is well mannered and polite, although he can be overwhelming to be around. I see it as my job as a parent to guide and teach him. For example, if he is being really loud and hyper, to the point it is annoying those around him, I tell him he either calms down or he needs to go to his room and he can be as noisy as he wants in there. His need to be noisy doesn't trump everyone else's need for peace and quiet! Often he will self-regulate with his iPad, and this helps him to calm down. My DS does not feel upset or hard done by, in fact he is the happiest person I know, and I think that is in part due to me being strict and him knowing 'the rules.' ND or not, children need to learn boundaries, and shouting in someone's face is something I wouldn't stand for. x

@Botantic Regarding food, my DS also has preferred meals, but I've always told him I am not a cafe, and if he doesn't want to eat what I've made for dinner, then he doesn't get anything else. 9/10 he will eat what has been made for him, even if it's not something he particularly likes.

Yes yes yes and yes.

For me increasing my own sleep (DS has parasomnias) has had to become a priority. There’s a huge difference in my coping ability between being sleep deprived and very severely sleep deprived.

We ended up paying for a private assessment with a clinical psychologist. I applied to a charity to help with the cost, a relative also helped.

The assessment was very revealing and helpful to me let alone the fact that it slowly unlocked doors - still needed to push hard though.

Lots of things have helped a little bit, strategies, bits of equipment, melatonin for example. The little bits add up to just about coping most of the time.

Said no decent parent ever

100% agree.

Op. I actually had to check it wasn't me who posted! Ds has just received a diagnosis. Things are still hard but we are slowly making steps forward

I'd also recommend the book pictured, and seeing if there are some local free education courses. Something like a level 2 understanding autism course is usually 2 hours by Zoom and can be really helpful towards understanding what's going on for your son

Try again... this book

I hear you OP.
My DS (7) is very similar and it is exhausting.
School was a good thing for us - he is in a nurturing school but one that has firm boundaries. He is doing well there. He is very smart and a good negotiator - there is no fooling him.
Weighted blanket, ceiling light projector helped us but this after a huge amount of trial and error. Sleep has become better for us since school (it takes my DS a good 1-2hrs to fall asleep but he will stay in his room at least now) but he is still awake by 6am.
His sensory needs are met with soft toys.
Food - we always have something that he will like on his plate, sometimes that encourages him to eat other things.
My DS stims by making noise. I jest, but some nights it feels like I have PTSD from the barrage of noise. He literally makes noise from the second he wakes up to the moment he falls asleep. It is absolutely relentless and I think unless you are living it it is very hard to understand.
I also end up staying up late because I want to enjoy the peace once he is asleep but then I don't get enough sleep.

Good luck OP, it is so tough but you will get there.

I just wanted to say OP that age 4 was my absolute low point in terms of my feelings about parenthood. (Well other than the hellish newborn era).

It feels like things should be getting easier at this age. All around you, you can see DC who are coming out of the toddler/pre school years and becoming much easier to manage, no longer tantrumming or hitting and sleeping well - but if your DC is ND this often isn’t the case and so the gap seems very obvious.

For me things really, really improved at around age 6. It’s not as if all the issues went away but it got a lot easier. Sleep really improved - we did use melatonin for a period, it helped a little but I think it was mainly just getting older and perhaps being mentally tired out by school. And once sleep improves everything improves - their impulse control and reactions are better, your patience and ability to try different strategies is better.

You can buy melatonin over the web if you want to give it a go. I also agree with the advice about omegas and other supplements, especially if diet is poor due to fussiness.

I don't know anything about ND, but some have mentioned body pressure and weighted blankets - you can get like a big round sheet, it goes under the mattress and also over (a bit like a big tubigrip?), and they get between it and the mattress (with a normal sheet on the mattress). Those are meant to be great for body pressure and also not shifting as they move in their sleep.
And if that's something he likes, big big long hard cuddles are a good option.
I can't offer anything else except sympathy 💐

Get diagnosis
check local offer for kids with disabilities look on council website
Does he have another parent? What do they say? And what do they do to help?
Do you want to look into foster/shared care?
Do you have funds to pay for more help nanny , nursery etc?

What's your financial situation?

Unless you think nursery is making things worse, up his hours? Or pay for respite? Beg a neighbour or friend or relative to take him one day at the weekend?

Definitely speak to dr about melatonin.

Prioritise rest.

He sounds very like my DS2 who has ASD and ADHD and was exhausting for years and years. Never ever slept. Never ate. Couldn't be persuaded to do either.

If I had my time again I would pursue a sleep clinic - go private if you can afford it. Honestly, I'd remortgage our house to get some sleep in preference to those years without sleep - our DS didn't sleep through until he hit puberty. It broke me. It also was so bad for him. Finding a safe sleep medication for him might help - melatonin or even a strong antihistamine. You both need sleep.

As for food - I am - in hindsight - really proud of how I handled this. He was a typical ASD child who ate nothing and then progressed to eatuing about eight things for ten years. I never gave up introducing (but nevr forcing) new foods and now he has a really adult wide palate and is more adventurous with food than I am.

I started to explain to him what different foods do - their function in your health and life: carbs give you energy to play. Dairy and protein give you strong bones and help you grow. Fruit and veg have vitamins that give you a good mood and nice skin and nails. Etc. Doesn't matter if it's not scientificlaly accurate. The point is to explain the value of the main food groups. Then give him all the power and ask him to choose which things from these food groups he wants. What's your play energy food today? What's your musclepower food? etc. It is honestly fine if he's quite restricted. DS lived on peanut butter wholemeal sandwiches, apple slices and tinned spaghetti with peas and grated cheese for about eight years! As long as he eats something from each food group at each meal, he'll do OK.

Take the battle away. You eat what you want, and just put a cheese sandwich and apple slice sin front of him. If he shows interest in your food, give him tiny amounts in separate dishes. Get him to tell you if he wants what you are eating instead of his usual food.

It's an exhausting, slow process. FWIW, my DS is now the gentlest, sweetest young man, thriving at uni, sleeping and eating well.

He sounds just like my son. My son has ASD (PDA) and ADHD. I’ll post a link to my blog as I think you’ll really relate (click it quickly tho as for some reason MN always delete my posts if I put my blog link in)

thepdaway.blogspot.com/2022/04/our-pda-world.html

if you haven’t ready, then Google PDA (pathological demand avoidance). It’s part of the ASD profile but can ‘look’ different to what people think ASD looks like. The need to control and resisting demands being hallmark features. Happy to chat with you if you want to contact me (your post has struck a cord with me - I’ve been there too, still am) xx

My son had some simiarities. Incredibly high IQ when assessed but also demanding and I suspect ND. I didn't do this personally but a friend used melatnonin with her son who has ADHD and it saved her sanity (obviously seek medical advice first). Have you looked up techniques for ODD/PDA? This might help a bit. If it's any consolation I've found things much, much easier as my son's grown up (he's just turned 11). He also really benefits from alot of intellectual stimulation. Puzzles, logic games etc. His brain needs exercising! Also - I know it's easier said than done but make time for self care. Use your other half/family/friends/babysitter if available. You need time to decompress.

Sounds really tough. Just because his speech etc is good doesn't mean his presentation is not extremely hard to cope with. I'd see GP for something to help you in the the short term, as and when. Is he too young for a melatonin prescription, lots of children have ASD/ADHD and are very bright but no off button, can't self soothe or regulate. Find out about occupational therapy for children with SEN it can be really helpful. Can you invest in some items to meet his sensory needs, Trampette, deep pressure weighted vest or belt. Some paediatric services loan these out. Things will improve when you get sleep.

Try this link for helpful info, ideas. NHS.
www.nhsggc.org.uk/kids