When family member has an affair…

[LookWhatYouDidYouLittleJerk]

When a family member has an affair and the marriage breaks down, does your opinion change about them as a person? Eg morals, and would you stay in touch with the ex?

Would you be welcoming of OW if they become a more permanent person too?

The saying “blood is thicker than water” means that families stick together during this kind of thing but the injured party loses all of their in-laws, as well as a their partner, in one go.

As background, I am the injured party and feel bereft that his family go on with their lives without me, despite me being part of their family for years. They’re likely planning to meet OW at some point too and I am replaced just like that. I know I’ve got to move on blah blah but it’s like I am grieving the lost of his family too.

YABU - family stick together, your relationship as an in-law was only an in-law by marriage and it’s over, so any personal relationship is over too.

YANBU - the relationship between the two people has broken down, but I would remain close to ex partner as I have a relationship with them as a person and/or wouldn’t condone an affair.

Be kind. I’m struggling this weekend. Seen pictures of a lovely time they’re all having (with my DC) and I’m not there 😔

I’m sorry you’re struggling.

What do you expect them to disown their child? They might not agree with their actions but they aren't going to risk their own relationship with their own child by denying meeting their new dp regardless of the circumstances in which they got together.

I can't really vote because in the inlaws shoes, I would keep in touch with you, be bitterly disappointed in my adult child and also eventually meet the OW, because these things unfortunately happen (as devastating as they are) and everyone has to move on at some point.

I do feel for you though, what an utterly shit situation

💐💐💐

I know exactly how you feel, and it’s shit. But they are only related to you through your ex.
I don’t know what else to say. It does get easier.

For me the most (if not the) most difficult long term effect of divorce was losing his family.

My ex MIL was like a mother to me, we’d been together from very young. I felt very alone, abandoned and hurt at the closing of that door. 14 years down the line now and it still hurts a bit. Not much, but it’s there. I’m polite if I see them but nothing beyond hello, yes I’m fine. His mother has tried to stop and have a chat but I don’t engage.

You are not wrong to feel upset. I would too. Life moves on though and we can’t control what others do and it’s only natural that they will stick with their son. They might have told him they disapproved of his actions but I guess they are still his parents at the end of the day and want a relationship with him

this doesn’t mean they don’t think about you etc

This must be really awful, but, and I say this kindly, YABU. Affairs should not happen but they do happen, and for a variety of reason- Relationships are rarely about a good person and a bad person. I don't ever really feel I'm qualified to judge relationships, so I wouldn't be mean to someone if they had had an affair, or if they'd been the OW.
From another perspective, my family have remained in touch with my ex although he treated me badly, and he has treated our DC badly too. I find this very, very odd (they witnessed his behaviour and worried terribly for me when I was with him) and I'll never really understand it, but it's ultimately their call.

Well this is difficult isn’t it. They’re not going to cut out there son and no doubt he’s told them how desperately unhappy he was and how deliriously happy he is now. Assuming you are the mother of his children then no I wouldn’t cut you out but equally I wouldn’t invite you round the same time as him and his he’s gf either!!

I would hopefully stay in touch with both parties, if they were people that I already liked. It's not my place to judge the relationships of others, so any perceived "guilt" is none of my business.

It depends on the specific circumstances.

What is highly likely is that eventually I would be on good terms with my sibling again even if I disapprove of their behaviour, because they are ultimately family.

However, I would not cut off my SIL. I’ve known her for years, we have our own relationship and she is the mother of my DN. Regardless of whatever the rest of the family did, my door would be open to her.

What would complicate things massively would be if SIL had an affair/had behaved badly. Still, as the mother of my DN I’d be wary of excluding her completely but that would be for the sake of my DN, not her mother.

It is so tricky, but as a parent in the end your loyalty will be with your child and you will have to be guided by them on the level of contact with their ex. Harsh, but divorce splits families up whatever the circumstances and everyone has to learn to adapt to the new normal.

I think affairs out the family in a very bad position. I think the majority of people, even if it’s a few years will meet and treat the OW like they would any partner in their family. People, usually, don’t want to lose their family member.

I imagine, some will keep in touch with the cheated on party. But, long term I don’t always thinks that good for the cheated on party. Imagining being replaced, is very different to actually seeing it or still being in touch with the people who are moving on. Even a conversation about what are they doing for Christmas will make it clear the ex and the OW are spending with his family.

As hard as it is, you were only related by marriage to that person. Once that connection is gone, it can be very hard to maintain a relationship.

It also depends on your relationship with them during the marriage. I have 2 Sils. If my brother cheated I would judge them and be really disappointed in them. But I wouldn’t want to lose my brother, even though it would change how I thought of him. One sil I would want to keep in touch with. The other, I don’t really have much of a relationship with at all, so wouldn’t occur to me to start once she split with dbro.

I don't think you can ever know what's going on in a marriage from the outside. I think it's very unusual for it to be all one person's fault, even if they had an affair. I don't therefore judge.

I think you've really answered your own question when you mention your DC in your last sentence. You're feeling particularly sad because your DC is off with other people, your DC is your priority. For your ex in laws their DC is also their priority. He might be a cheater, liar etc but they will want him in their lives & if that means cutting you out they will do that. I'm sure that his family have privately criticised his dishonesty etc, and maybe even confronted him, but at the end of the day their son is their no 1 just like your dc is yours.

Difficult one. I voted YABU but I don’t think YABU to feel hurt and resentful, I just think that our love for our closest family isn’t dependent upon their good conduct. So while we may judge them, feel disappointed, we are unlikely to stop loving them or cut them off unless they have been unconscionably evil.

Infidelity is wrong and hurtful, but it is not as uncommon as we’d all wish. Good people and average people sometimes do bad things. Infidelity is awful and ideally everyone would end a relationship before embarking on another but for everyone who cynically pursues adultery, maybe as many again, maybe less, do find themselves going that way even though they thought they were one of the good ones who never would.

I haven’t ever been unfaithful but I’ve know lovely people of both sexes who have in the past. They are proud and as far as I know they aren’t serially unfaithful.

If DD1 was unfaithful to her husband I’d be shocked, disappointed and worried about him. I’d check in with him. But I’d also support my daughter whilst acknowledging my sympathy for her DH. I love her much, much more than I care for my lovely SIL, and I do care for him.

Yes, in time the OW will be introduced and accepted if they endure. It’s “not fair” and must sting horribly but I think this would happen in all but the most religiously fundamentalist families.

Sorry you are going through all this. It isn’t fair, it’s shit, but I think it’s probably pretty normal. That doesn’t make it one jot easier for you though 💐

It depends on the circumstances. One of my aunts was one by marriage, the marriage ended when I was very young (uncle's addictions being the reason) and was as much of the family until her death (at an old age) as ever.

No idea how to vote.

If one of my in-laws had an affair, I would still talk to them and to their exes if the ex still wanted to be in touch with me. We would send a message and leave the door open while understanding they may not want to contact us.

The in-laws are still my DH’s family so I would likely still have to see them regardless of what was done. It would be in DH’s court on how much we see them (we live hours from them) since I’m cordial with my in-laws but not close so any plans on when we see them as a family is up to him.

Good luck with it all,, OP.

Yes, I get this 100%. Just over a year down the line after 16 years together. I luckily still have a good relationship with my in laws (only due to DS) but I know the majority haven't accepted OW, and are still extremely angry at my ex. I dread the day that I'm pushed out though 😔

It’s hard, OP. People seem to see it as either him or her. Few people try to remain impartial. I didn’t contact my ex’s family when he left for the OW. I once bumped into my SIL and she was polite but very cool. I later was told he’d justified his actions by telling some pretty disgusting lies about me (all untrue and I don’t want to say what they were because it’s pretty outing if you know me), the consequences of which were, not unreasonably, not wanting to have anything to do with me. It was hard because I never got my say and it upsets me that people who once seemingly liked me now think that about me. On the other hand, in my less emotional moments, I realise that if they do think that after knowing me for all those years, they’re pretty stupid and I’m probably better off without them.

Focus on you and rebuilding your life. Revenge is a dish best served freezing cold and is only truly achieved when you’re living a good life and those around you know it. It takes time. Don’t be hard on yourself.

I know what you mean, but in my experience blood is thicker than water and if you’re lucky you end up as a casual/Facebook friend. My ex came out as gay and confessed he’d had dozens of liaisons during our marriage. His new partner is the one that goes to their family Christmas and I get the odd phone call and a Christmas card.

I believe it's only natural that families stick together. When I divorced my ex under those circumstances, I assumed ( rightly) that his family would stay with him . He has 8 siblings and all but two of them withdrew from me . His OW moved in and I'm aware that she became the new DIL very quickly . I don't have any ill feelings about this - families stick together and I accept that .

I occasionally see them all when a big family gathering happens ( ie their parent's funerals etc) but not at any other time. His OW is now his long-term partner and I speak to her as well as him , it has been 20 years so there are no bad feelings any more.

I can understand how you feel, but you have to move on and don't feel angry about something you can't change.

I'd probably disengage from them on social media, that might help.

And logically, I would agree with all the people so far who say, they're not going to do anything else, are they.

Except, my parents divorced when I was seven. And every fortnight, my mum would take me and my brother to tea with her inlaws, my dad's parents. They thought he'd behaved like a shit. They still saw him, but they were also very kind to my mum. And I was much closer to that particular set of grandparents as a result.

I can’t really vote, but I can say that as someone married into a family where this has happened, it has made me realise how dispensable I am as an in-law.

As a result I’ve adjusted my own expectations and what and how much I’m prepared to do with and for husbands family accordingly because I’m now very aware that I could be discarded and forgotten about in a heartbeat by them all.

no-one knows what goes on in any relationship.

I have a family member who had an affair and his parents cut him off completely and sided with his ex. She seemed very grateful and relied on them a lot for childcare.

After a couple of years they gradually regained contact with their ds because, well, he’s their ds.

At that point she turned completely, cut them off and told the youngest dc (the eldest had sided with his dad and was living with him) that she would never see them again because they were friends with her dad.

He’s now married with another baby and his youngest is back in touch with him and tbh it’s not his actions which have damaged the dc in this instance. So as a parent we can never judge because we just don’t know.

I also have a friend who had an affair and her ex inlaws have a fantastic relationship with her still, they obviously still have a relationship with their own ds but they also recognise that he has faults and that life isn’t black and white.