When family member has an affair…

[LookWhatYouDidYouLittleJerk]

When a family member has an affair and the marriage breaks down, does your opinion change about them as a person? Eg morals, and would you stay in touch with the ex?

Would you be welcoming of OW if they become a more permanent person too?

The saying “blood is thicker than water” means that families stick together during this kind of thing but the injured party loses all of their in-laws, as well as a their partner, in one go.

As background, I am the injured party and feel bereft that his family go on with their lives without me, despite me being part of their family for years. They’re likely planning to meet OW at some point too and I am replaced just like that. I know I’ve got to move on blah blah but it’s like I am grieving the lost of his family too.

YABU - family stick together, your relationship as an in-law was only an in-law by marriage and it’s over, so any personal relationship is over too.

YANBU - the relationship between the two people has broken down, but I would remain close to ex partner as I have a relationship with them as a person and/or wouldn’t condone an affair.

Be kind. I’m struggling this weekend. Seen pictures of a lovely time they’re all having (with my DC) and I’m not there 😔

I know how you feel. It's just not fair.

However, it sounds like you have DC with your ex, so it sounds likely that his family won't phase you out completely and you'll retain some sort of relationship.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. From what I have seen of these situations people often tend to stick with their own relative even if they’re the guilty party although to me this seems unfair and unreasonable often. I’m the child of divorced parents and have strong feelings about adultery from seeing what my mother’s behaviour did to my DDad. When SIL (DH’s sister) had an affair and moved in with the OM we tried hard to stay in touch with her husband but he refused (which he was obviously within his rights to do). It has affected my opinion of SIL, and DH made it clear that he did not approve of what she did but she is his only family (no parents) so we have ended up remaining close with her. I am still not 100% comfortable with this after several years.
In your situation however I would definitely have stayed in touch with you and I’m sorry you have been let down by those who were effectively your family. You’re absolutely entitled to grieve this. I do hope you have others - family or friends - who can support you.

My exinlaws did want to keep up the relationship, which had been 22 years, and I really tried, took their grandchildren to visit, as they could no longer drive, etc. However to listen to them prattle on about what a lovely woman their sons new partner was (she was the ow) and to be shown photos of her and him at family events, got rather irritating, so I gave it up as a bad job.

I wouldn’t cut my brother off if he had an affair. His relationship is his business, my input isn’t required.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. Unfortunately, I’m in exactly the same position. Husband of 15 years (been together 20 years), recently walked out. He has clearly had an affair as he’s now with the woman that I knew he was infatuated with all along. The hardest thing has been losing not only my husband - but his family too.

Im not close to my own family but I was close to my husbands family and I loved them like family. I feel like he walked out and took everything away from me and the kids. He has had to justify his bad behaviour and has therefore told some awful lies about me - this is what upsets me the most - the people I care about thinking I’m a horrible person.

It’s taking some getting over and with Christmas looming which would be time we’d spend together, I feel their loss more acutely.

My MIL does message from time to time but it all feels very awkward.

Take care OP

I was with my ex for 7 years. This was back in the height of Facebook days, and my entire family (cousins, aunts uncles siblings, we were all close and hung out often) un- friended him on there immediately after the breakup. Turns out they truly disliked him, however had kept up appearances and conversations for my sake.
He complained to me about it, said it felt like he had been dumped by everyone.
He was an abusive arse so no guilt there.
Anyway, I was really surprised by it, and so was he tbh, just goes to show how weak some relationships and connections really are. Not saying this is the case with you, your situation is somewhat different, but I can't imagine a scenario where they would of kept in touch with him, despite him wanting it.

Same. We saw the way some spoke about an ex on my DH’s side (group chat) even though none of them knew what had happen and some even being ones married into the family. DH was shocked and uncomfortable after seeing it (saw some family members in a different light) but it only cemented the vibes I already got after a few years of marriage. The other partner had been devastated and completely blindsided and we had been the only ones from DH’s side who reached out and they had been in the family longer than me close to a decade. If that’s how easily they cut someone off and speak about them, what would they say about me if DH and I ever divorced.

As the in-laws in this situation, we keep in contact with both. My relation is my family and it’s awkward but they’re happy with their ‘other person’ and have started a family. If I want a relationship with my family and child, I have to accept the partner. But I’ve made a huge effort to keep in touch with the original partner. I made it clear they’ve been family for longer than not, and I won’t give either up. Makes things very awkward when trying to plan family birthdays or special events, but worth it to have them both in my life. We do have a rule that I don’t talk about them to eachother though

My daughter and her husband separated earlier this year - neither having an affair as far as I know. It's been an odd Christmas so far, we were close to his family as well, and it's difficult to know whether to maintain some kind of friendship or to just let it all fade away. They had no children. DD is fine, well and happy, enjoying her freedom after a 10 year relationship. No doubt when she meets someone else, he'll be welcomed into the family as well.

I think there is a middle ground if you have kids together. But I don't think you can expect his family not to welcome in any new partner he may have however they got together. They may end his wife for may years to come.

I think it's difficult and very dependant on the individual situation but I don't think you can expect the family to shun any current/future partner

As an aside the full phrase is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" which actually means the bonds we choose to make ourselves are more important than the people we are bound to by accident of birth

I have cried at some of your responses. Not in a good place tonight at all. I want to thank everyone for their replies and kindness. I was expecting a bit of a battering and to be told get over it.

I posted the thread and went to bed for a couple of hours as I’m so sad by it all. It’s very early days since ‘H’ left and I know I will be ok as I have no choice not to be, but today it hit home that my DC will always have 2 lives, and I am only in one of them.

The ripple effect of his actions continues beyond devastating me; my DM/DDad are equally upset at losing a Son in law; and I am so sad I haven’t got MIL in my life. I was really close to her and she hasn’t even called me. I thought I meant more to her, but I guess I don’t. SIL/BIL are obviously going to side with H and I get that, but it really hurts so much.

Thank you to everyone who has replied and given sound advice on how to deal with it. I have unfriended the family on Facebook and actually, I’ve deactivated my account too as I think that isn’t helping me seeing and looking into their Christmas activities.

Sending a special thanks to those who have been through this, or are going through it 💐 you sharing your experiences has helped me a lot. I dread the day OW becomes more than just what she is now. She may be in my DC’s lives and I can’t get my head around that at all. I want to pack up and disappear away from it all to the other side of the world so I don’t have to deal with it.

I’m so sorry, OP, that sounds really hurtful, especially as you thought they valued you more than this.

I’m reminded of how my DSis was cut off by her abusive XH’s family after their marriage broke up.
What made it worse was that she wasn’t only cut off by his family but by their church as well, where his family were prominent members. Even the well meaning vicar was mainly concerned with ‘restoring’ her XH, which in practice meant not acknowledging the abuse that he had put her through, despite the fact that she herself was also a member of the church. She ended up having to move to another church, which really hurt her as she was the victim.

That was 18 years ago. My DSis has been very happily married to her current DH for 14 years and they have a family together. She’s also very close to his family, who appear to really value her.

It really will become less painful in time.

Sometimes you grieve more for the in laws than the ex. It’s what happened with me. I loved my MIL and FIL and I was sad when I realised ending the bad relationship also meant ending the good one.

I’m sorry you’re left out. It always seems so unfair.

I miss my in-laws, they were adorable. I loved them for 23 years ,.they were so much kinder and nicer than x husband.
But I couldn't stand him, and I had to lose them to be free of him.

I'm sorry you're struggling op. I think as you are still the mother of thier grandchildren/neices/nephews etc.. they should have reached out to you after the breakdown of your marriage with kind words but ultimately it will not be the same going forwards. Reach out to your own people, your family and friends.

I don't know how the OW has the nerve to play happy families with them when they all know how the relationship started. Take care.x

It so depends on circumstances. I keep in touch with my uncle's ex-wife - only in the same idle way I would have done if they were still married. Cards and the occasional bunch of flowers for big birthdays etc and if we go out for lunch with him she comes too. But the divorce was not too bitter and she was my aunt for a number of decades. I didn't divorce her - he did. It is more difficult with the ex- partners of closer relations who you regularly see and also at intense times like Christmas and who maybe come to stay - I think that's a harder relationship to maintain unless the divorce is very, very amicable and all parties want everyone to be involved.

I am sorry OP this must be so tough on you! I think given you've been years part of the family and presuming you had a good relationship with your in laws, I would say YNBU especially given their son did the dirty on you and is planning on bringing the OW who's broken your marriage.

My mil always says she could never accept or love another wife or partner more than me because I've earned my trust and respect etc. They won't ditch their son but I totally don't think they should be opening their arms to the OW either. I would feel hurt also.

However, with that being said, you can't control them and your just going to have to move on x

YANBU. Though loyalty will typically lie with the family member unless they are a total screw up.

I’ll keep this vague as quite outing, but I sadly have some experience of this. Whilst I haven’t disowned the cheater (although to be honest I try and limit my exposure to him, never spend time with him not in the large family group and actively dislike him), it’s changed my opinion of him and relationship with him permanently.

I am best friends with the ex.

I fear a meeting with the OW may be on the horizon, and if there’s absolutely no way for me to avoid I intend to be as polite as possible but I’m not going to be friendly. I’m one of the only family members who knows the full story about the cheating, and I have no intention of welcoming a woman who would behave in that way into my life, and certainly won’t be her friend.

Also, for all the people saying you can’t expect people to disown children over this etc. - my grandparents disowned my mother when she had an affair and left her first husband. They only forgave her when she had me. My BIL’s father was also disowned by his mother when he had an affair and left his family. She never spoke to him again, and banned him from her funeral. I’m not saying whether that’s right or wrong, I’m just saying some people do it.