To think DS should be working while at Uni!

[ChillyFingers]

DS is in his 2nd year of Uni in London. He lived at home for the 1st year as accommodation costs so high and we’re only an hour away. He insisted he wanted to move into halls for this year which I agreed with as he’s a lazy lump and I thought it’d be good for him to experience being independent and getting some life skills. He lived of his student loan (maximum loan as on a lower income) last academic year, paid no rent and didn’t work despite hardly ever going into Uni. I had told him to take driving lessons and take his test (and save some for this year) so at least the money would be put to good use. Most it was spent on gaming, clothes and going out.

I was clear that he needed to work over the summer to save up for going into halls as we can’t afford to sub him. He has got maximum loan this year but only has a few hundred pounds left each instalment after paying accommodation. He finally got a job in July but didn’t bother going in after a week as early starts! It was decent pay and he could have had at least £2k saved if he’d continued until mid September.

Anyway he went off in September. I paid for all his stuff and again I impressed on him that he needed to find a part time job as he didn’t have enough money. Should be plenty of opportunities in London!

Currently he’s living off his student overdraft and the odd £50 I’m sending him.

Still no job as he complains he’s too busy with Uni work. He only goes into Uni 2 days a week and has a half day online. I’ve told him to come home this weekend as plenty of jobs in local area which he could take for a few weeks (Uni finished now for Christmas) but he insists he wants to stay in halls until Christmas Eve as he’s got stuff planned with mates there and doesn’t want to work over Christmas!

In his January student loan, he’ll only have £500 left over until April after accommodation and I can’t keep sending him cash as cost of living gone up and we have other DC at home.

I don’t want him to max out his student overdraft which it looks like he’s going to do. His problem but I’ve told him he needs to start building up a credit rating and how is he going to pay it off if he lives out next year when he’ll only get minimum loan as I now work so we’ll be over the threshold?

AIBU to be furious with him?

it is a hard lesson he will have to learn
i have been through the same with my dc

He needs a job and you need to stop enabling him.

Stop sending him cash completely. He does not need to get a job while you're helping him.

He spends his loan on shite and doesn't do anything.
Something has to give.. he is not just suddenly going to get up and like early mornings and go to work just because you told him to.
If he needs it, he'll do it or suffer the consequences.

There are jobs at ibis for students. Often well paid. Are you happy to say which uni

I don’t want him to max out his student overdraft which it looks like he’s going to do

He knows this. Knows it's not what you want so you will help it.

As frustrating as it is, you will have to leave him to it. My brother didn't work while at uni and ate out a lot more than I did plus more expensive accommodation- he is still paying it back. Your DS will learn.

You paid for all his stuff and told him he needed to blah blah blah blah - this is what he heard in that conversation.

And you're still telling him he blah blah blah blah while sending him £50s every so often.

Do you see the problem here?

You have to leave them to it which is easier said than done
My ds had a year out and to his credit saves a lot and he thought it would see him through the 3 years with his student loan too up ( doesn't get full amount) a few months in he has now realised not the case and plans to work the summer at the very least to top up.
No matter how many times we told him it wouldn't be enough it fell on deaf ears until he realised himself

Back away. He'll have to live on ramen noodles if necessary. No more bailing him out or worrying/nagging. It's his problem let him find a way to use it.

Stop sending him money. He will only go out and earn it when he has to. Everyone in life needs to learn the lesson that you can only spend what you have or get into debt.

A family member is at Uni in London and works 2-3 days a week and all through the holidays due to his rent (private) being so high. He loves his work too. In the summer holidays they transferred him to an office near home and then transferred him back to the London office when he went back in September.

Stop helping/enabling him, leave him to it. He will learn.

You’ve enabled him not working every step of the way, by paying for all his stuff in September and bunging him £50 when he needs it.

And now you’re furious with him?

Ok

I take what I know will be a minority view here and say that no, I don’t think students should be expected to work.

You know what the problem is!
If your job kept saying "look we are going to cut your hours and pay" but then kept paying you the same amount you wouldn't take them seriously.

Just stop sending him any money. And don't give him any for Christmas!

There are so many jobs at the moment, he's not going to starve. Even if he had to wait a week or two go get paid he could sell some old stuff on vinted or whatever and get the money in his account as soon as its received. If he's in his second year he must be 19/20 by now, hardly a child!

Forget the credit rating, he's going to struggle finding examples and references to use on his first full time job when he graduates if he hasn't done anything else at all - as you havent suggested he even does any serious extra curriculars/volunteering or anything either.

Unfortunately, your son has an affliction common to many young men. He is bone idle. Starvation is a wonderful corrective for this condition .

He’s taking the piss out if you. Stop sending him money.

The time that my request for an overdraft extension was declined and I had to wait for my grant to come in, was the last time I ever over spent. My parents weren't in a position to send me anything, and I knew not to ask. It was a lean four weeks, but I got a job (where I got fed too) and I made it through.

You need to let him fail, and you need to not rescue him, against all your instincts as a parent.

I agree with all the above posters. My DS is currently at uni on London and knows that it is unreasonable to expect me to pay for his social life and that a grown adult man should be contributing to his family and society.We are very happy to support him within reason but he knows not to take the piss.There are loads of suitable par time jobs in pubs , cafes, restaurants , supermarkets etc. Some of which are transferable for the holidays to your home town. Alternatives are tutoring, child care, agency work, tv extras etc all of which family members have done .He needs to grow up. I would also say to him that his peers won't respect him if he isn't doing something useful and believe this to be true.

All you can do is present him with the facts and let him make his decisions.

We have the opposite with ds who is commuting into uni this year. I think he is working too many hours PT and not giving uni the priority it should have (he didn't want to take a maintenance loan, applied for - free in Scotland - tuition fees only). I've told him he is risking not progressing to the next year and won't get a second chance of a funded degree, but he knows best 🤷‍♀️

Stop giving him cash. He will run out over Christmas.

He is an adult with his own income. You don't owe him anything more than a warm bed. He will learn the hard way.

Stop subbing him

Stop sending cash.
Get in a few tins of value baked beans and a sliced loaf and send them if he says he's skint.
Whizz past the Halls in your paid-for car and chuck the bag out of the car door whilst chomping on a Big Mac and shouting "I paid for this with my wages!"
Seriously, if his accommodation is paid for, and he has basic rations let him get on with it. Get Amazon to deliver a box of dehydrated noodles.

He needs to get a job. He is only in two days a week so he can easily work 8 hours a week. This should be sufficient to live on.
My dd is working in a fast food restaurant- ten hours a week. She is only in three days a week so she has ample time to work
I worked while I was at university. I didn’t have a choice as my mother was a single parent and couldn’t afford to sub me.
My dcs have a more privileged upbringing. However, they know that me and dh expect them to work while at university

I voted YABU because unfortunately you are just going to have sit back and let him make his mistakes. Currently he has bank of mum and his overdraft subsidising his life. It sounds like you have spoken at great length to him and it has fallen on deaf ears. He is now an adult, making adult choices and will have to live with those consequences in the future. Switch off for now and if you want to you can help him in a few years when cold reality hits. It will be unpleasant for him but it will be his own doing. Am sure plenty of people around him are working. So he really is actively choosing not to work.

YANBU for wanting him to work though. I would be concerned about the vacant previous work history he is going to have on his CV.

Agree stop sending him money.

dd did a postgrad course in London where the contact hours were 4 days per week 9.00-5.30pm. She wasn’t entitled to a maintenance loan as it was postgrad. We paid her rent and she got the 1st job she applied for working in a theatre evenings & weekends in central London (4 3 hour shifts plus 6 hours on Saturdays) and she was able to pay all her living expenses from that.