To think DS should be working while at Uni!

[ChillyFingers]

DS is in his 2nd year of Uni in London. He lived at home for the 1st year as accommodation costs so high and we’re only an hour away. He insisted he wanted to move into halls for this year which I agreed with as he’s a lazy lump and I thought it’d be good for him to experience being independent and getting some life skills. He lived of his student loan (maximum loan as on a lower income) last academic year, paid no rent and didn’t work despite hardly ever going into Uni. I had told him to take driving lessons and take his test (and save some for this year) so at least the money would be put to good use. Most it was spent on gaming, clothes and going out.

I was clear that he needed to work over the summer to save up for going into halls as we can’t afford to sub him. He has got maximum loan this year but only has a few hundred pounds left each instalment after paying accommodation. He finally got a job in July but didn’t bother going in after a week as early starts! It was decent pay and he could have had at least £2k saved if he’d continued until mid September.

Anyway he went off in September. I paid for all his stuff and again I impressed on him that he needed to find a part time job as he didn’t have enough money. Should be plenty of opportunities in London!

Currently he’s living off his student overdraft and the odd £50 I’m sending him.

Still no job as he complains he’s too busy with Uni work. He only goes into Uni 2 days a week and has a half day online. I’ve told him to come home this weekend as plenty of jobs in local area which he could take for a few weeks (Uni finished now for Christmas) but he insists he wants to stay in halls until Christmas Eve as he’s got stuff planned with mates there and doesn’t want to work over Christmas!

In his January student loan, he’ll only have £500 left over until April after accommodation and I can’t keep sending him cash as cost of living gone up and we have other DC at home.

I don’t want him to max out his student overdraft which it looks like he’s going to do. His problem but I’ve told him he needs to start building up a credit rating and how is he going to pay it off if he lives out next year when he’ll only get minimum loan as I now work so we’ll be over the threshold?

AIBU to be furious with him?

I worked in a pub throughout my degree and travelled by bus an hour each way (lived at home). I honestly think it helped me, I could only do uni work during certain times so I had to be very organised and focused and my job gave me something else to focus on so I wasn't as stressed about my uni work. I graduated with a 1st.

I could have written this a couple of years ago. I stood firm and sent him no money - I didn’t charge when he was at home (right through Covid) but he had to budget when he was in uni. I didn’t know until recently that he’d sponged off his grandmother. He graduated and moved in with her “because she’s done for him than I ever did”. I’m trying not to let a rift develop but it’s hard, sorry, I don’t have any good advice.
I think that some are just born feeling entitled.

Stop sending him money and paying for stuff. He's lazy and you're enabling it, he wouldn't have given up the job if he didn't have a fall back plan of the bank of mum. Cut off the buying things and 50 quid spends.

He's an adult, choosing to go to university, choosing to spend his money in crap, choosing to be a work shy git... Lett him make his choices and the consequences that go with it.

So what if he maxes out his OD? And spends huge loans on crap? It's him, the adult, that will have to pay it all back.

Stop sending him any money.
University isn't compulsory.
Get him to grow up and take responsibility.

This is what makes you unreasonable. Stop rescuing him !

He doesn’t believe you when you say you have no money because you keep sending him it

stop sending it - he’ll soon ask for some I’m sure and then you say I don’t have any sorry. Get a job if you need more money

Time for some hard lessons for him. He is lazy and selfish

Stop pestering him, and stop giving him money. He is an adult, so let him find his own way.

Stop enabling him. Has it ever occurred to you that you treating him like child is why he still acts like one. Necessity is the mother of all invention, if he doesn’t have any money he will have to earn it and you cushioning his hard landing with 50 pound notes isn’t helping.

What is he studying?

My son is also second year uni [ not London ] and lived at home for the first year. This year he has gone into halls. He also gets the full loan as I am a single parent on very low income.
He works full time alongside his uni course [ his choice as he could reduce his hours ]. He knows that I can't bail him out if he doesn't earn some money and is very happy working.

Your problem is your son knows you will bail him out, so stop enabling him. It's a hard lesson to learn, but as long as he knows you will help him he has no incentive to help himself.

Stop sending him money. He should work.

If he has no food send him an online shop of basics of 20 quid. The yellow label Asda stuff etc.

YANBU to think he should get a job, and especially actually gone to the job he did have, but YABU to then buy him stuff he wanted, and still keep sending him £50 every now and then - you are just enabling him and teaching him nothing other than reinforcing the fact he doesn't need to work.

@Tiredallofthetime

If he wants to get a job upon graduating, he will need to be able to demonstrate a get up and go spirit.

He will need to demonstrate a solid history of managing his time and getting his university work handed in on time and good exam results.

If he doesn't need the money then he needs to show a history of consistent volunteering, organising events, amd leadership.

His competition will be producing CVs with many significant activities listed on top of excellent exam results. Some individuals will have a solid work history beginning in their secondary school days.

I have a 2nd yr student. Gets just above minimum loan. Just covers.his rent. He gets 50 a week from me term time , far less then the max in total, for food and expenses. He doesn't get any money in the holidays. He works in the holidays, back on Thursday, working Friday. He's not overdrawn and has.a social life. Stop sending money its.the only way. He can work nights in hospitality if he's not a morning person.

You're furious with him, but you're totally enabling him. You bail him out whilst huffing and puffing about him being lazy etc.
You raised this slothful creature and he's definitely a product of his upbringing.
You're doing him no favours by being so involved. Back off and let him have a healthy dose of reality.

I think (I mean this in the very nicest way) you’re too involved. Let him figure it out. If he’s skint, he’s skint. That’s his problem. Offer advice if he wants it/let him know you’re there for advice, but you don’t need to run his life.

I’m a mature student and it amazes me how many of my classmates whinge about how student finance isn’t enough and being a student is just far too much work to have a job. But I’m working and raising four children and managing fine with good grades. I think the real problem is that too many students want an easy life/can’t manage their time and money well/want to live in luxury. Funnily enough none of them want to hear ‘you go out too much, you do too much clubbing and shopping. Limit your days and nights out to once or twice a month which will save you money and allow you plenty of time in the library to catch up on all the work you say don’t have time for.’

But then I also think sometimes when you’re young you do daft things and have to learn the hard way! So I’d tell him he’s skint because he’s not managing himself well, and let him figure out what he’ll do.

I don't think students should work during semesters unless they really have to, it's better that they work during the summer and save to support themselves while they're studying.
But in this case he has failed to save anything while living at home and not saved over the summer so you need to step back and make him realise there's no magic money .

Did he not have a job at 16?

And yes agree with other postera stop sending money, let him max out his overdraft

100% depends on the course! I had 8hours of lectures a week at uni, if i didn't work what else was i supposed to do!

Yabu. You said he is lazy and you want him to learn life skills. Yet you wont let him face consequences.

stop sending him money.