To not tell my son about a dentist visit

[Happylove1]

My DS (14) has had a fear of the dentist ever since he was little, nothing traumatic has happened but I guess it’s typical dental anxiety. But It often means fighting for weeks up until the appointment and him panicking so much that he’s been sick.

He’s a teenager now so I encourage him to clean his teeth but obviously he can do it on him self, the last dentist visit we had the dentist told me he has two cavity’s wich will need to be filled (on opposite sides) so will need 4 injections (DS also has a huge needle phobia).

His dentist knows how much DS struggles so try’s to be patient with him but his ‘tantrums’ can go on for hours and we’ve had to leave before because it’s to much drama for him to even sit in the chair. We are already seeing a private dentist for him and trying to get him an appointment with a specialised dentist that deals with phobias but the waiting list is about 3 years long and will be a 2 hour drive away.

The appointment is booked for tomorrow and i haven’t told him yet because I know it’s going to turn into a massive argument. Would I be being unreasonable to not tell him until we are there so he practically can’t make much of a fuss or should I tell him now so he can prepare himself (this may lead to him doing some self harming behaviours though)

I feel like a bad parent and I hate seeing him upset but we really need to get this sorted and I don’t know what to do!

Oof. What an awful situation. I think I'd have asked the GP before now for a one & only time sedative.
I don't envy you.. :-(
My youngest DS is similar (Asperger's though) & I'm following his lead, he looks after his teeth but if he does need work at any point, hopefully we can arrange a mild sedative, otherwise it would be meltdown time.. :-0

I sympathise because my eldest has a needle phobia as well.

I don’t think you can continue taking him to the dentist over and over knowing he has a needle phobia and trying to repeatedly ignore and minimise it by thinking maybe “this time” the dentist will be able to do the dental work. His reactions are not “tantrums” and it feels like you are in denial.

For my DC, the dentist refers them to a specialist clinic to do any dental work where they can have gas sedation, which calms them enough for an IV this then puts them under and the fillings or extractions are done (they had extractions for braces).

Since we started automatically doing this from the very first, they no longer have dental anxiety. They know seeing the dentist will not involve any needles whatsoever. And so are happy to be in the chair and have a hygenist clean their teeth, have X-rays, and get checked over by the dentist. They were then comfortable with the orthodontist and getting braces.

I think by pushing the dentist and it always being traumatic every time, you are making the phobia worse. I think surprising him is not a good idea. Nor is telling him in advance. Because no matter what, he knows the dentist is going to try and push him to overcome a phobia…which cannot happen in such a way. There is psychiatric treatment to help phobias, but they do not involve just “doing x anyway”

Grovel with your GP for a one off dose of sedation for the dentist. They may say no, but if you can drug to take the edge off that may help. Postpone by dentist by a week to see if you can get hold of drugs.

@Onnabugeisha I feel like such a bad parent, it’s one of those things which has gotten worse over time like before covid he would be really scared but I could bribe him through it (that was only for a checkup though)

He's had to have school injections a few times and has gotten through that with his teacher being able to sit and talk him through it, I just don’t get what I’m doing wrong?

I have a dentist phobic teen too (have had panic attacks in chair and had to leave mid appointment) and agree with PP that just trying to push through will be counter-productive, plus your DS has the right to refuse treatment and no half decent dentist would force an injection on someone who was that upset.

My DS has previously been referred for treatment under sedation but there is a long waiting list - about two years at the moment. What I did last time was talk to him about it - how would be prefer to be prepared for an appointment, would he prefer to know or not? We agreed a system for appointments where I remind him two weeks, one week, then one day before. And also agree an incentive for him going through with it (when he was younger it was a trip to Build a Bear. These days it's cold hard cash!)

What does he think is the best way to approach it?

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong tbh. Similarly, my eldest could cope with vaccinations on a good day, but not always and always has to lie down and look away or they’ll faint. But they said to me sorry mum but a needle in the mouth is a step too far. It was awful watching them rigid, mouth open, tears streaming trying to fight the phobia, but as soon as that needle got anywhere close to their mouth, it would involuntarily snap shut. They’d get angry at themselves too and call themselves stupid. I felt bad like you for even pushing it. The dentist did once try to use their one hand to hold their mouth gently open and then use other hand with needle and got their fingers bitten as a result. But there was a moment when I realised, right I have to accept this. No needle is ever going into my child’s mouth.

Then I focussed on ok dentist, you’ve been bit here, you need to write as many letters and mark the care URGENT to as many specialist clinics that deal with phobic patients as possible. You know first hand this is a true phobia. It was hard because they were young, about 10 I think? And most places won’t use gas on under 12s due to the risk…but our private dentist was a hero and he got them to agree to a small dose of gas just enough to allow the needle of IV sedation.

Once we were in with a clinic as an established patient, it was much smoother and faster to access care.

I think it’s like any phobia right? One of my other DC has a spider phobia and the size and furriness and colour of spider affect the level of fear she feels. She can deal with the teeny tiny jumping ones far better than the big long legged furry and super fast giant house spiders for example.

I think needle phobias are no different really…the size of needle and where it is going…in the mouth! can heighten or lessen the phobia.

Speak to the dentist and see if they can help.

@negomi90 @mamabear715 if sedatives are appropriate it ought to be the dentist prescribing not the GP - they are the ones looking after the child during this episode and should be able to judge whether or not it’s appropriate. Nothing to do with the GP (unless there are wider issues)

If you don’t tell him, will he ever trust you again? Seems like a poor way to treat him to me; if he’s got a phobia better to address that before inflicting the dentist on him surely?

He's never going to trust you again.

Please don't waste your GP's time with this. Dentists can prescribe sedatives so if it's needed, the dentist should give it.

This doesn’t help you now, but for next time it might be worth asking him what he wants you to do about telling him in advance - we did this for my daughter who has a needle phobia but needs regular blood tests / IV access and she said she’d like to know in advance but only a day in advance.

I have three two with dental phobias. One has sedation at the hospital, the other has an amazing private dentist who specialises in treating kids with asd (or similar). If you're able to travel to Loughborough I'm happy to give you their details. It's not cheap as it's private but I'll never take her anywhere else

My dentist can prescribe sedatives, I had Valium last time I had a filling as I'm similar to your DS. Maybe ask if that's an option?

So did I many years ago, @QueSyrahSyrah
Bless that dentist, I've never looked back!

I only suggested the GP because I thought the dentist might have needed extra time to arrange sedation btw, previous posters - it would add time on to the appt that the dentist hadn't bargained for.

The appointment is booked for tomorrow

I realised I have not said what I think you should do about tomorrow. I think either way you should not have an attempt made to fill the cavities. So any part of the appointment involving needles needs to be cancelled.

Id see if the appointment could just be a check up with new photos taken of the decay and talk to the dentist about trying to get you moved up the wait list or see if any other clinics available to be referred to urgently…look also at going by train…doesn’t have to be driving distance if you can train to a large city.

Id then tell him about the appointment and tell him NO NEEDLES will be present. This could be an opportunity to start the calming of dental anxiety as it is most likely caused by the fear of needles being there and potentially being pointed at him.

I was that child / teen and yep bit the dentist. It was massively traumatic and every forced visit made the issue worse.

I obviously do not know your child but I feel you are wrong to say your child has not had a trauma to trigger this, trauma isn't always a bad thing you can see happening or a disaster but how the individual perceived it or multiple small issues that accumulate and made them feel unsafe, you will put your child in that unsafe space if you spring this on him and it will not end well. Numbing and injection was always the worst part for me feeling like I may choke or stop breathing as the numbing affected my throat, not something anyone watching my experience would be aware of. The dentist also said this will only be quick and won't hurt and when I said it was a long time (injection) and did hurt (drilling) my words were dismissed.

I did a lot of work with my dentist, then used mild relaxer medication and gas for getting work done until I decided to not use anything and I could cope.

My tips, firstly get a good dentist they must take time, explain what they are doing in a gentle age appropriate way, show the instruments and what they do and how they feel, they must build up to the work I would suggest weekly or fortnightly visits and they must stop when your child says stop or does the stop signal they choose. The child must be respected.
Secondly you need to teach and practice self soothing and relaxation techniques with your child, deep relaxed breathing etc. An item to hold, whatever works best for your son.
Thirdly not all fillings need an injection or numbing, I have not had an injection in my mouth in over 15 years since I said no and honestly it has been beneficial, no nerves were exposed. That was always the worst part for me feeling like I may choke or stop breathing as the numbing affected my throat, not something anyone watching my experience would be aware of.

I also am the mum to an extremely anxious ASD 12 y/o son who last month has 4 teeth extracted and braces fitted. Our dentist was fantastic, showed him what she was doing (except the needle) explained with not scary words had him push against her hand to show the pressure needed to do the final pulls and my boy came out with a smile on his face each time (2 teeth per extraction appointment) he breathed long slow deep, relaxed his muscles, she responded when he tensed, I reassured and we all left with positive feelings. He knew both his dentist and I would respect him.

I had really bad dental phobia and my GP gave me diazepam for my appointments. If I needed to have any work done I had the IV sedation and honestly if that hadn't been an option I wouldn't have gone. It was that bad.

I would tell him about the appointment and ask if he wants to go and probably cancel if not. Then find out about sedatives and rebook if possible.

For the record, after I had my teeth sorted with the sedatives etc I was then able to attend checkups without any medication. Now I go religiously at least once a year so we're on top of things and I won't have any scary surprises in my mouth.

@BabyPotato
Thats how my eldest is now as he is 26. Knowing that prevention by going to the dentist and hygienist means avoiding dental work which means an IV needle for sedation is a big motivation for him to see the dentist religiously. Also having a dentist that knows to hide all needles and that he has a needle phobia helps too. He can go with confidence knowing that nothing traumatic is going to happen.

I completely understand - my son was the same but I do think you need to tell your DS about the appointment today. It's bigger than the dentist - it is a trust thing. If you don't tell him until you are there then how is he going to know further trips out aren't going to end the same way? And he deserves time to come to terms with the appointment and consent to it.

@Onnabugeisha I really wish we didn’t have to get them filled urgently but they are hurting him lots ( this has already been put off for a couple of months).

I have told him what’s going to happen tomorrow and how he can have the day off school and I’ll take him somewhere nice for lunch. I have also phoned the dentist and asked if they can do them separately so he will only need two injections. I’m not normally a pushy parent and his feelings are completely valid but this is something which needs to be sorted kind of quickly. I forgot to mention that the appointment is the last one of the night so the dentist said we have enough time if he needs brakes inbetween

Tell the dentist to numb his gums before he gives the injection. Its a drop of anaesthetic on a cotton swab and a two minute wait.

@Happylove1
Well I wish you luck and genuinely hope it’s a good day for your DS in terms of his phobia affecting him. Bribes don’t usually work on phobias, but it’s a nice thing to offer as a consolation for the effort he will be putting forth whether he manages it or not.

I hope you will still be aggressively working on getting in with a proper dental clinic for people with needle phobia for the future or if tomorrow fails.

Im glad, and I think others on here are too, that you told him about the appointment. He is of an age to be included in any discussions about his phobia and potential accommodations that can be tried. The numbing gel was a good suggestion by a recent poster. A stop signal is also good to set up as a other poster mentioned.

He doesn't have to have a needle for a filling. I've had a few done without anaesthetic because for the needle is more painful than the actual filling. They only needed small fillings and was a tiny bit sensitive but that was it. I have another that needs doing and they said it's a bigger one so may need an injection for that but they'll see at the time.

Hypnotherapy might be worth looking into. It’s clearly a big phobia. Does he floss? That can help to prevent cavities.

@Blondlashes we tried a session before and it was one of those things that wasn’t helpful if you don’t put the effort in so we might try again in the future (it has helped me overcome phobias in the past as well)

the only person he talks to is his form tutor and he’s helped him through school injections and has even taken him to a&e before when I couldn’t to get stitches, and told me he wants him to take him which I told him I don’t think is possible but I fear that’s the only way he will actually get this done.