To not tell my son about a dentist visit

[Happylove1]

My DS (14) has had a fear of the dentist ever since he was little, nothing traumatic has happened but I guess it’s typical dental anxiety. But It often means fighting for weeks up until the appointment and him panicking so much that he’s been sick.

He’s a teenager now so I encourage him to clean his teeth but obviously he can do it on him self, the last dentist visit we had the dentist told me he has two cavity’s wich will need to be filled (on opposite sides) so will need 4 injections (DS also has a huge needle phobia).

His dentist knows how much DS struggles so try’s to be patient with him but his ‘tantrums’ can go on for hours and we’ve had to leave before because it’s to much drama for him to even sit in the chair. We are already seeing a private dentist for him and trying to get him an appointment with a specialised dentist that deals with phobias but the waiting list is about 3 years long and will be a 2 hour drive away.

The appointment is booked for tomorrow and i haven’t told him yet because I know it’s going to turn into a massive argument. Would I be being unreasonable to not tell him until we are there so he practically can’t make much of a fuss or should I tell him now so he can prepare himself (this may lead to him doing some self harming behaviours though)

I feel like a bad parent and I hate seeing him upset but we really need to get this sorted and I don’t know what to do!

Genuinely wondered if this was my partner posting. Ds has killer toothache just now from an aborted extraction. They got the erupted tooth but left the nerve and root. He’ll need an emergency appointment, he’s barely coping on painkillers right now, all he can do is take little sips, no food at all. I was told there was no dentist that would do sedation for anyone under 16, it would have to be a general anaesthetic which is the root of the phobia. We went to the specialist phobia dentist but she showed him all the tools and explained what they did, all the while he was crying and shaking and begging them just to do it without telling him what was happening.

I don’t know what the next plan will be if they won’t do anything tomorrow.

It's a shame he already knows about the needles. When my oldest was about 8 he needed a cavity filled and the dentist was able to do it without him realising he was having an injection. I asked him afterwards if he'd had a needle in his mouth and he said no even though I know he definitely did! At the time we were concerned about some ASD traits and I thought there was no way he would sit through the treatment but he did with no bother at all. I don't know if that was the standard way of approaching it for a younger child but if so it might be worth asking the dentist if they can treat him as if they would a younger child and not mention the needle at all.

that sounds awful @Doormatnomore hoping your son will be alright tomorrow Xx

I got beta blockers from my gp for my really bad dentist fear and it made a huge difference. She prescribed me diazepam as well but I didn't need that

That's kind of your dentist @Happylove1 , to say your DS is the last patient & no rush. :-)
I hope all goes well.

As others have said I dk t think thnk this is right approach. I'd cancel the appointment and talk to your teen about options and things to try. Trying to find somewhere for full sedation or a hypno dentist (one in Hove I know of). On which note hypnotherapy might be a good idea for this generally. I think the trauma sounds far worse than postponningdentak treatment

Your poor Son, that sounds really hard. I've never been, but dont know if you are anywhere near Richmond, apparently the Toothbeary clinic is good, dont know about costs. I agree phobias cannot be helped. I remember leaving going to the dentist for about 5 years, late teens/early twenties, I had a problem with my front teeth (erosion) and had to go. I found a dentist who I thought would be ok and took valium before. No needle was needed and I coped with the treatment. I also had fillings at another dentist without injections, it was ok.

Once I had my kids, I found a good, local NHS dentist (lucky I know). I wouldn't say I have a phobia as such, but I've always struggled with the out of control element of the dentist. The key for me has been going for regular appointments, with my kids. They both ended up needing work on their front teeth cause of breaking their front teeth, couldn't have made it up. One had root canal work and then an extraction and a denture (unfortunately it was a second tooth), the other one had a root canal done. They both had to be referred to the hospital for this, not cause of phobias, but cause it was complicated. Weirdly watching them have treatment (they both coped well), has helped me cope with the dentist cause a lot of it is fear of the unknown.

I hope you are able to find a way forward for your Son, sounds really difficult. Dont think I would not tell him about the appointment tbh. Agree with others who've suggested numbing gums first, our dentist used a gel for this. Good luck.

I find dental injections absolutely excruciating. As a child I was told I was being silly and it didn't hurt and the dentist is very good etc etc, of course it didn't help and just gave me a phobia. Luckily I didn't need one after I turned 12 year old and left home at 15.
I'm not even afraid of needles per se, but one going in my mouth is a nope.
I now go to a dentist that uses the wand and I'll never go anywhere that doesn't. I honestly think dental injections are barbaric and shouldn't be a 'thing' in 2022!
I agree with the PP abour what you should do tomorrow. You can't sneak an appointment on him. I hope all goes well and you manage to find a solution.

Ask them to use the gel before the injection. If you use that and keep your eyes shut, you don't actually even know there was one until you start going numb.

I feel for you and your ds.

I agree with only having one filling done at a time and having the gum numbing gel, it is very good.

Also, actually go in with him and sit on the end of the dentist chair so you can calm him.

Maybe you could promise him a reward for going, I know that this will cost but the incentive of a new Xbox game or whatever might just swing it.

If you delay the treatment his anxiety will just get worse waiting for the new appointment plus the cavities will get bigger and he could potentially end up having to have the teeth extracted due to infection.

I hope it goes well for you both, it must be very difficult.

Let us know how you get on.

How did the appointment go OP? Hoping it went alright. Your DS is very brave.

I've not read the whole thread so don't know if this has already been suggested......Could he have the fillings without having the injections? I hate injections so for most of my fillings I've asked the dentist to just do them without. A locum dentist also suggested it before I'd had chance to ask. If the pain gets too bad I raise my hand and they stop, and then we reassess. Its quicker all round and I feel much more in control of the situation. Would this be something your Son would consider?

@FarmGirl78 thankfully I'm not that bothered about the injections as it's leads to zero pain. I could not, in a million years, have a filling without numbing. Surely it must really hurt, I would never be brave enough to do that. Respect to you 😁

@Onnabugeisha appointment is at 5pm today and DS is dreading it! He’s already had a panic attack this morning which took some time to calm him down from so hope he doesn’t have another later. I’ll let you all know how it goes later Xx

Good luck for 5pm.

Regarding the needles ask for some topical numbing cream: it works wonders. I'd so ask for a referral to the dental hospital x

How did you get on at the dentist, I hope that the fillings have now been done and that your dc is ok @Happylove1

The appointment didn’t quite go as planned, DS wouldn’t come out the bathroom and took me, my brother, the dentist and dental assistant to get him out and before the dentist could give him the injection he jumped out the chair and it took him a lot of persuasion to get him to sit back down. He managed to get the injections done (the worst part!!) but got to scared of the drill and that took him about half an hour to calm down to be able to do it.

our dentist is amazing and taped DS’s phone to a spare light so he could watch his favourite film and be distracted by it which I think is what ultimately helped DS through it.

I think we both feel very emotionally exhausted after this and I feel like such a bad parent for making him go through this but it was causing him so much pain. The dentist has made another referral to get DS seen by a specialist but still said this could take months. He still needs his other cavity filled because dentist doesn’t want it to get worse and that’s booked for 2 weeks time but I don’t think we can both go through this again!

Do they do a wand? Never had it but saw an advert for it at our dental surgery? Here’s an advert for it. happykidsdental.co.uk/making-children-comfortable/the-wand-painfree-injections/

Gosh that sounds so difficult for all involved. I hope he still got the lovely reward you promised him.

@Onnabugeisha of course! He’s picking out a new ps5 game tomorrow Xx

It's well known that kids have worse behaviour with their 'safe' person (often mum). So they're angels at school and have tantrums with mum when home because they know you love them and keep them safe, they can be vulnerable. This is usually mentioned in relation to little kids, but hey we can all revert to little kid mentality when terrified.

I know it won't solve the issue, but lots of talk about thorough dental care at home, choosing brush and paste and mouthwash (if appropriate) resulting in fewer visits and much less invasive dentistry may help. Even if it doesn't seem to be making a difference, keep talking and modelling. Some of it will get through even if slowly

Blimey that sounds full on for all of you.

Well done to your ds for getting his filling done, I hope that he is settling down now.

Your dentist sounds amazing.

That sounds really hard, but glad your Son could get one of his fillings done.

Oof, stressful..
Well done, Mama & son! x