Or is he ‘you’re just really f***ing weird that’s all

[Outerlondonburrow]

DH is kind and helpful and nice . He’s a bit thick when it comes to emotional stuff because he’s a very normal , easy going , laid back person who never worries and he enjoys a very simple life in a job he’s done since leaving school and as long as he has the basics in life he’s happy. He’s scruffy , chubby , never exercises , not vain and is just a big old bear of a man who’s always eating , drinking beer or napping.
Im almost the opposite . I have never been happy or relaxed . Childhood was a living nightmare , left home at 15 , always had to struggle and fight for everything been abused in every sense of the word and I’ve never had a meaningful friendship in my life. I’ve never been to the hairdressers, I don’t eat in restaurants or go to pubs or the cinema or anything. I dislike humans and tend to choose to be alone. This doesn’t cause many problems because I want to stay in all weekend and so does he . He goes to work in the week , I work from home . DS has an adventure playground , sandpit , swimming pool etc in the garden so he has a grand time in the school holidays we don’t need to go anywhere .
but Christmas is coming. He wants us to visit a handful of people and honestly my anxiety is at its worse right now as I’m having tests for cancer , I have a huge deadline coming up with my work and because I do it completely alone there’s no one who can help me. I will be Ill for days if I know I have to travel and be in someone’s home or a country pub and ‘act’ and make small talk for a couple of hours. I told him to take DS and leave me behind saying I’m ill but we are worried DS will say something as he’s bad for telling people about my lack of enthusiasm for socialising . He’ll say ‘she didn’t want to come , she doesn’t like people’. Or something to that effect. Because he’s small and doesn’t realise I’m embarrassed about who I am . I even go jogging late at night so as not to see other people and it’s bloody freezing on the streets at night right now. It’s extreme but it’s life long and won’t change and I can’t be dealing with this pressure and made to feel bad every bloody holiday and birthday.
he tells me I’m really fucking odd and weird and I agree but it’s not going to change after 40 years is it? Even in primary school I refused to play with other kids and insisted on sitting in the loos all break. It’s me truly just me .
for clarity these are his relatives not mine , I’m NC with all of mine . I don’t really know them at all .
he should stop putting the pressure on?

I think your husband needs to accept you as you are. You've always been this way, and like you said, you won't be changing. Unless you decide you want to, of course. The worst prisons are the ones we make for ourselves.

If this is lifelong and really not going to change for you - what's the harm in everyone just being honest about it?

It's not like you're having a random anti social period but don't want to piss people off so they stop inviting you and you miss out. You're never going to want to go and socialise so be honest about that now and the invites will soon dry up and you'll be left alone - which is what you really want anyway.

You’re absolutely right but despite me accepting I can’t socialise and it makes me unwell , I’m still embarrassed. I still like to think that people on the periphery of our world think I’m normal and nice . I’m always really warm and chatty if they catch me on the phone , I send gifts and stuff . I like to think they think I’m okay.
it’s perhaps unrealistic and a bit narcissistic to be that way but I’m just too ashamed to be upfront about it .

I'm so sorry you've had so much to deal with OP. Have you had any therapy? Not to magically become a more sociable person but to manage your anxiety better and also deal with feelings of shame? (It probably sounds terrifying but you could have it online or even via messenger).

I do think DS will need a social life even if it's not you faciliting it. He'll need to establish links with family and friends and probably when he's older want friends in his home too.

Your husband calling you odd and weird is absolutely not on. You're not weird you sound severely traumatised and you've found a method of coping. I think he needs educating about why you struggle to socialise. If he was able to understand better he might be able to offer a more reasonable explanation to other friends and family (it doesn't have to be detailed just that you deal with social anxiety). I do think you deserve help though OP because you're clearly suffering and you don't deserve it.

Have you tried counselling?

Yes I’ve tried counselling. After a suicide attempt as a teenager , again at 20ish , and a few attempts after that. It’s too rough for me , I can’t bring myself to engage it’s overwhelmingly upsetting . I pay a childminder to do DC school runs and she takes him to do lots of cool things like sports and theme parks and I just pay for her kid to go too. Ds wasn’t planned , total surprise and its not been easy at all. I do get overstimulated with noise and mess and have to hide away a bit but for the best part we are happy and have a nice bond.
I’ll never enjoy going out though. I never have . At best I feel a bit unsafe , scared. At worse I’m so stressed I can’t speak . It’s horrible .

This is a you problem

Have you looked into the possibility that you could be neurodiverse? A lot of the things you have been through have been very hard on you, and it’s understandable you don’t like being around people, but it could also be you are autistic?

I realized in my late 30’s why I’ve struggled with lots of things, and being round people is exhausting, it’s because I’m autistic, and although things are still difficult, I can find coping strategies, and know I need time to relax before and after social events as I’m exhausted.

i can recognize mostly when I’m reaching burn out, and try and use coping strategies as if I don’t I become ill, like my body is forcing me to rest anyway.

look up autistic traits in females and see if you relate.

Yes I’m pretty sure I have ASD aswell as the PTSD .it’s part of the reason I was always bullied and so naive as a youth I think.
not much that can be done really .

OP my heart just breaks for you. I know it's such a cliche saying just go for counselling and I 100% understand how insanely difficult it is to open up to a therapist but it does sound like you need some highly specialised help. (A therapist who specialises in neurodiversity and trauma). Even if you can't open up entirely you could work on techniques and coping strategies. It sounds like a general counsellor won't have the expertise to deal with your case which is probably very complex. You could also 'attend' with DH (even if online or via email) so that he can understand better what you're going through.

I'm trying to think of how you could possibly have made that sound less supportive. When one person in a couple is struggling with MH, it's an 'us' problem unless you have a completely dysfunctional relationship.

Would typed therapy be easier? Not to change who you are, but to learn to accept yourself as you are.

www.iesohealth.com/

But OP, you aren't well. So it's not a lie to say that. And I get you are embarrassed but more openness would probably help and allow you to feel.less stressed. At the very least, dh taking g the dc while you stay home because of being unwell, albeit vague, is totally honest.

Oh OP, that all sounds really difficult, I don't have much to add but sending in unmumsnetty hug - even if you might not really like it!

I'm autistic so understand about the massive social anxiety, however I make myself socialise in a limited way and can actually enjoy it sometimes!

I think you do need some therapy and possibly medication too since it is horrible to live with such high levels of anxiety. Therapy doesn't mean you have to go over your traumas, there are different types. Have you spoken to your GP at all?

I also think your DS needs you to be present sometimes outside of the house. It is good you have a childminder who takes him out but he will be wanting to do things with you too.

I'm sorry for how you're feeling OP. However what stood out for me was your notable repulsion towards your DH....

Perhaps you would be happier & more content as a lone parent? I'm a widowed parent and yes it's hard parenting alone but there's certainly aspects of being alone that I can see being preferable!

He needs to accept you for who you are.

But...

DS has an adventure playground , sandpit , swimming pool etc in the garden so he has a grand time in the school holidays we don’t need to go anywhere.

That's not fair to convince yourself your child doesn't need to socialise. He could have all the equipment in the world bought for him, but that won't stop him being lonely.

A good illustration of where unmanaged mental health problems lead. Sad for everyone involved.

I think you should be honest - to a certain point - and tell DH’s relatives that you have agoraphobia.

That would avoid the whole ‘I don’t like people they make me anxious’ thing, be a reasonable explanation for why you are lovely and chatty on the phone but don’t ever accept social invites and allows both your DH and your DS an easy ‘line’ to give. No one will judge you for a condition you have no control over but it’s easier to accept some explanations than others.

God this is heartbreaking for all of you.
Your DH needs a partner who can do things with him, no matter how briefly and your child needs to be able to have a fulfilling social life.
You need help.
I do Hope you get that help.
YABU Sorry. As an adult you need to be able to do things for your family.
They are not asking much of you.
I'm saying this as someone from a family of autistic people who suffer anxiety.
It's bloody important.

I feel really sorry for your child.

Yes you had a shit childhood but don’t make your son suffer the consequences of this.

I too have had a crap life and I’m autistic but no way would I not take my child out ever.

Your child may not have been planned but you had sex knowing it could lead to pregnancy and you chose to continue with the pregnancy - therefore you need to step up.

You obviously have issues but it is up to you to sort them out.
It doesn’t actually sound like you’ve tried very hard to get better and you’d rather just drown in self pity.

I don't know with this one. I don't even understand how the two of you ended up together, when you've both had such different experiences of life. I'm probably more like you in personality, but I think what you're asking of your DH is an awful lot. Most people need more social contact in their lives than what you are comfortable with.

I didn’t know I was pregnant till DS was almost here, we did a great job though adapting . He gets to do loads of stuff plays 4 different sports has been to virtually every attraction within 200 miles and multiple holidays a year he never misses a birthday party and has had some cracking ones himself . I just delegate the outings to his dad /childminder and it’s just my days alone with him spent at home . We have a lot of fun and make / build/ grow / cook stuff . It might be an issue for the future and I’d be screwed if DH left me but until now DS has had a great life .
Ive seen multiple therapists and tried every drug that they’ve offered . I’m still , sadly ,me .
I earn good money doing what I do and provide a great life for them both and we never argue it’s purely these events he’d like me to show up at . I sometimes do go , but I’m particularly stressed right now so I just can’t put myself through it .

Absolutely couldn’t cope alone . I depend completely on DH for DC taxiing about and day trips , shopping etc . If we split , I’d be better for DC to live with his dad full time. We’re a good team most of the time tbf. We get on fine , I just envy him for having such a happy go lucky outlook and the ability to experience pleasure in all the things I can’t .