Or is he ‘you’re just really f***ing weird that’s all

[Outerlondonburrow]

DH is kind and helpful and nice . He’s a bit thick when it comes to emotional stuff because he’s a very normal , easy going , laid back person who never worries and he enjoys a very simple life in a job he’s done since leaving school and as long as he has the basics in life he’s happy. He’s scruffy , chubby , never exercises , not vain and is just a big old bear of a man who’s always eating , drinking beer or napping.
Im almost the opposite . I have never been happy or relaxed . Childhood was a living nightmare , left home at 15 , always had to struggle and fight for everything been abused in every sense of the word and I’ve never had a meaningful friendship in my life. I’ve never been to the hairdressers, I don’t eat in restaurants or go to pubs or the cinema or anything. I dislike humans and tend to choose to be alone. This doesn’t cause many problems because I want to stay in all weekend and so does he . He goes to work in the week , I work from home . DS has an adventure playground , sandpit , swimming pool etc in the garden so he has a grand time in the school holidays we don’t need to go anywhere .
but Christmas is coming. He wants us to visit a handful of people and honestly my anxiety is at its worse right now as I’m having tests for cancer , I have a huge deadline coming up with my work and because I do it completely alone there’s no one who can help me. I will be Ill for days if I know I have to travel and be in someone’s home or a country pub and ‘act’ and make small talk for a couple of hours. I told him to take DS and leave me behind saying I’m ill but we are worried DS will say something as he’s bad for telling people about my lack of enthusiasm for socialising . He’ll say ‘she didn’t want to come , she doesn’t like people’. Or something to that effect. Because he’s small and doesn’t realise I’m embarrassed about who I am . I even go jogging late at night so as not to see other people and it’s bloody freezing on the streets at night right now. It’s extreme but it’s life long and won’t change and I can’t be dealing with this pressure and made to feel bad every bloody holiday and birthday.
he tells me I’m really fucking odd and weird and I agree but it’s not going to change after 40 years is it? Even in primary school I refused to play with other kids and insisted on sitting in the loos all break. It’s me truly just me .
for clarity these are his relatives not mine , I’m NC with all of mine . I don’t really know them at all .
he should stop putting the pressure on?

He sees people all the time at work - it’s a fun place he’s always telling me stories of antics and stuff and I never stop him if he wants to go out . Mostly he’s a beer infront of the TV type bloke. Or a takeaway . I love having the house to myself so I’m always encouraging them to go and just leave me here .

This was my thought as well.

You don't sound like you like him at all so maybe tackle that.

Not so . He’s the only person I have in my world beside my child. He’s very laid back , scruffy and chubby aren’t insults they are words he uses to describe himself he’s just so lucky to be the way he is . I just envy his ability to be happy and relaxed all the time . I’ve not slept or eaten properly for days . I wish I were more like him.

If you're having tests for cancer, then that's a great excuse not to go. If DS says anything, then that's obviously because you won't have told him about the cancer testing.

OP, in the nicest possible way, seeing people at work isn't the same as seeing family and friends for most people. It's enough for people like me, who get exhausted and overwhelmed by a lot of social interaction, but most people need more than that.

I do hope you can both work a compromise out.

I agree with PPs that you need to find some coping strategies. Have you had a formal diagnosis of ASD? I think it's fair enough not to go to these social gatherings over Christmas but you need to agree with your DH what he will say when people ask about you.

Hang on...you don't want to go because you don't like people, but you're son is bad for saying things like, "She didn't want to come, because she doesn't like people"?

If you're going to embrace the life of the solo or you need to, then own it. Don't teach your son that he needs to lie or hide it; to do that very much puts the responsibility for your problems on him as well as your husband.

I'm autistic, and I do recognise all the things you've said here. The one thing that leapt out at me is...the total lack of anything resembling cooperation. What you've described seems more adversarial than anything.

You're married. Why not use that to work on your problems? Without my wife, I would be exactly like you are with anything resembling human contact, and I was. In fact, I was very much like that for the first 10 years of our relationship, until she started to subtly help me with social events. When we discovered about three or four years ago that I'm autistic, we started working way more as a team. She'd cover for me when I needed an exit or a break, she'd steer the conversation away from my oddities, and if I got anxious or started reaching my limit, she'd make herself the centre of attention so I could melt into the background without anybody noticing. That helps me enormously, because it allows me to be as sociable as I can without needing days to recover from it.

Why do I do this, when it's hard work? Because I want her to have a life without having to constantly make excuses for me, and I want to be a part of that life. The marriage isn't all about me, and so I have a responsibility to hold up my end of the bargain both inside and outside the house. Hell, with her as my helper monkey, I can even enjoy social engagements without worrying about an escape plan; that's something I've never been able to say before.

I realise that you're going to read this and think, "Oh, but you don't understand..." and, "Nothing can be done". I do get it. Really, I do. I used to focus entirely on myself and what I was comfortable with too, and it was just ridiculously selfish in the context of a marriage and a family. You're absent from half of their lives. You might be cool with that, and you might be able to rationalise it fairly easily (as you already have done a few times in this thread), but you're not the only one who matters here; think about how they feel about you being missing in action whenever other people are involved.

Start small. It's worth it, and if you choose to...it'll bring you closer together as a family.

But it all starts with an honest, practical conversation without complaints or getting emotional about it.

My ds is autistic.

He spent years avoiding any sort of social contact.

Camhs said if he was happy in himself that is what counts.

Interestingly as soon as we stopped forcing any sort of contact and withdrew explaining to people he started to feel more confident in attending events, because he knew if he wanted to leave anytime people understood.

So I agree with above poster about being honest. Tell people how much you struggle but you won't be preventing DH and ds from attending.

You never know how you'll feel when you don't feel you have to attend.

How did you meet your DH?
It sounds tough for you OP, but I agree that you need to work on some coping strategies, or it's going to start having an impact on your DS as he gets older.
Your DH. shouldn't have called you weird, but I'm guessing that was out of frustration.
Please try and seek help for yourself. It sounds like you have a good DH who'll support you to to that.

Hi OP,
I have not had time to read the thread but it sounds like you have some combination of Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia. There are hugely successful treatments available, both therapy and drugs. You could just have a chat to your GP - it might give you more choices.

I'm so sorry, OP. There seems to be a lot to unpack there, but you're being disingenuous when you claim your DS is okay just playing in his sandpit in the garden and doesn't need to interact with other kids outside school hours.

This!

how we met was that I needed his services in a professional sense. He came to my house to do the work and we got chatting I invited him in to sort the invoice etc . I had a fairly unusual pet lumbering about and he had also owned this particular type of animal and was dead knowledgeable about them especially with a behaviour issue I was having with him and he took us out for a walk to show me how to handle him.I made coffee and I don’t think he left till about 9pm. He messaged me constantly over the next few weeks and brought takeaways and stuff over and eventually moved in over about a year. He’s never been a going out type chap and his hobbies are just gaming he’s quite a good match in that sense .
He doesn’t really get the extent of the damage in my head because he doesn’t know , doesn’t want to know about it all. And even one of the counsellors didn’t believe so much could have happened to one young person , she thought maybe it was partly made up / exaggerated and I sensed this so I took evidence like court letters and medical notes to her . im happy that’s all behind me now and I sometimes will probably always try to avoid triggers .

I think you tell DH it's obvious you are ASD and he's to tell people that's the reason why you've stayed home to have peace & quiet which you need in order to cope with living with him and being a Mum.

I too find it hard to own my diagnosis and also have complex PTSD and your life is more impacted than mine. I like socialising with people I find interesting it just knackers me. Of course sometimes it goes horribly wrong as I'm overwhelmed.

OP, I have all the sympathy in the world for you but you are not well and this isn't OK.

You talk (glibly) about what would happen if your DH left you, but what if he became unwell and totally dependent on you in the way you're dependent on him? You are setting your child up to become a carer and that isn't fair.

I get you've posted about 'this one thing' at Christmas and I understand that the thing DH wants to do but just be completely untenable, a step too far, too much. But you have to start/keep working on this. I'm not suggesting you ever get to a place where you're an extroverted social butterfly. But you have to learn to function in society, for your child's sake. And actually your DH's too, because he is taking on an awful lot on your behalf too.

But he must have found this attractive about you when you met ! You don't get married after 5 minutes so he can't really complain about you now can he ??

Thank you. You clearly understand . I think I’m causing the biggest problem by refusing to admit the issues exist. Like it’s gonna all be fine and get better if I don’t admit it . It’s hard to live with this . So so hard and I think it’s made worse by knowing and seeing other people able to have fun and enjoy food etc
sometimes it’s easier to stay in my own world.

Have you considered that you might be autistic? Have a look online at the traits shared by by women on the spectrum...

I think you're doing great, actually. You're working and earning so contributing financially and also presumably enjoy your work so have that boost to your wellbeing. You have sourced support and carefully managed the arrangements for DS with his needs in mind, to ensure he can have a full and varied life. You have a DH who accepts you as you are. You are mindful of the compromises DH and DS may have to make to accomodate you at times and you don't take them for granted.

The only bit I thought was unreasonable of your OP was being afraid of DS saying "mummy doesn't like people". Anyone who has a problem with that is a judgemental twat who needs to get a life.

Agree with PP for ease it would be useful to agree on a word or phrase which people can widely understand and is widely accepted by a majority of people without many follow up queries/criticisms.

So far as DS saying something, how about "mummy is feeling poorly", or "mummy is very tired from work".

DH version is "OP wishes she could be here but she's too poorly today"

Don't let anyone make a thing out of it. You are doing so well at life. Don't let anyone knock you down.

I'd say you are absolutely on the spectrum . My dd is like you and that's fine . You do you !

I'm so sorry, I understand up to a point as I suffered terrible anxiety for years (health/social etc.) it was never quite as bad as I built it up to be but it's no way to live, it sounds horrible not to be able to be with your husband and son seeing people over Christmas. I got myself out of it when I had kids somehow (and with meds) because really it's not fair to project this onto their lives. They need to go to parties, see family etc. it's one of the responsibilities of being a parent I guess?

This....there are many things as your child gets older that nobody else can stand in for he will want to see your pride and support, if you get help now you will be able to do that on the good days. My nephew couldn't leave his bedroom for 3 years. Gentle slow support has helped a lot and sometimes he can go see his son at school. Not talk to anyone and feels watched but he's made it.