To hate being a parent

[Margot78]

Dd is ten and we are currently in the process of applying for an asd/adhd assessment through our doctor but we have been told there will be at least a two year wait. School think she is fine a academically and socially, she’s just quiet but we have so many problems at home. She has such issues with clothes- wears the same scruffy clothes every day which she insists on and gets completely anxious at the mere thought of trying anything else on. She also makes me iron her clothes over and over, screaming at me that it is not good enough. Consequently we are late for everything.

She has meltdowns all the time over the slightest thing, it’s like constantly treading on eggshells. She often uses violent language and lashes out too. Daily life is horrible. She also has a million and one bedtime rituals that she involves me in and screams abuse at me if I don’t do things just right. She doesn’t get into bed till gone midnight. It’s like she rules the house. The only time I feel remotely happy is when I’m away from her at work. I know I’m not supposed to feel this way and maybe I truly am a horrible person but I hate my life. I feel tired, depressed and physically drained. It’s like being in a trap I can’t get out of. We always used to gave fun and be happy, I don’t know what’s happened to us but life has become so hard.

Gotta let them know who's the parent and who's the child.

Yes, they'll scream, cry and throw tantrums, but at some point they will tire and bend.

That doesn't apply to ND children. 🙄

Firstly, and most important! you're definitely not a horrible person. Children with these kinds of issues can try the patience of a saint. I have been in a similar situation, and I'm certainly not an expert, but things I found helped :

The explosive child, a book. I didn't particularly find I could always follow the suggestions, but it gave me a look at it from a different angle. Also might help to know that you're not the only one!

Keeping calm myself if at all possible (not always the case)

Allowing myself to be relieved when the child is not there. It's a break, we all need those.

Also, if you have the headspace (and you might not) consider if there's something bothering her that she's not explicitly telling you. This could be as mundane as wanting a different snack when she gets home, or as big as ongoing bullying at school. You can't always guess what the problem is, but I found if I could, they were relieved and that lowered the tension.

As I said though, I'm not an expert! I hope things improve, I know how you feel, just overwhelmed and no end in sight. Keep telling yourself it will get better even if you can't see the light yet.

Yes but surely this doesn’t mean bad behaviour needs to be ignored… There should still be some sort of consequences for bad behaviour for a child to learn, maybe a reward system like a sticker chart for every night of good behaviour and then she gets to choose a treat once she gets a certain number of stickers?

I have an adult friend with autism (high functioning) and routine is really important to her. Maybe trying to stick to a specific routine at bedtime might calm her down?

Sounds incredibly difficult, and I’m sure you are doing your very best OP 💐

Also I know it’s a controversial topic, but many parents feel the same, even if they can’t talk openly about it , there’s actually a sub on Reddit called regretful parents. Perhaps knowing your not alone in how you are feeling might help X

That sounds very hard. Is it possible to be assessed privately?

Are there any support groups for parents of ND children? It sounds devastating.

ND children are still very much capable of understanding consequences to terrible behaviour, meaning there have to be consequences to that behaviour.

Put her in her room every time she lashes out. She can have a meltdown in there.

Obviously it's not going to be easy, but the bedtime ritual is clearly eating into yours and hers sleeping time, so perhaps remove your involvement in it, and let her get on with it.

How's her diet? Just started reading a book called Fed Up. Is very interesting.

Yes it is but it costs an eye watering thousands of pounds that we just wouldn’t have. I literally cried down the phone when I enquired and they told me how much they charge. There are lots of parents in this dreadful limbo with no diagnosis and no hope of getting an EHCP for school because their child appears fine at school.

She has responded to consequences, having a privilege removed when she lashes out but this also had to be combined with us having to stay calm and not doing anything to exacerbate it. We also have to be careful not to just label it bad behaviour without also trying to understand what she is stressed about. But it’s hard, she can be nasty and personal and it’s so hard not to react emotionally. She has ocd bedtime rituals because she is afraid something bad will happen if she doesn’t do them. Leaving her just to “get on with it” is not an option.

Is she definitely fine at school? It seems unusual if her behaviour is 100% positive at school but then awful at home, as usually with ND children school pick up on issues - has she got friends? Is she generally happy?

Being a parent is a choice

Not 10 years down the line 🙄

Sorry I have no advice but reading your thread reminded me exactly of what I was like at ten. I had forgotten a lot of my behaviour and it made my mums life very hard.

We are close now but sending sympathy. Sorry I can't help.

I completely understand. My ASD daughter left home to go to uni in September and I couldn't be more relieved. Yes I love her, but parenting her has been incredibly difficult. I find it really hard when she comes home as I've forgotten just how much she dominates life. She also has PDA (they don't diagnose that now), but fundamentally it means that she has never done anything I have ever wanted her to do. She intelligent and funny and at times kind, but she's also incredibly hard work. The schools she attended never picked up on it because the behaviour didn't manifest itself at school the way that it did at home. It was a mental health nurse who picked up on it eventually and then it alllll made sense. Good luck and I hope you get your diagnosis sorted out soon, but be aware it doesn't 'fix' anything when/ if you get one. What did change was my behaviour towards her as I realised that there was nothing she could do any many of the behaviours as they were caused by anxiety. I worked hard to talk to her about her anxiety and how it was causing unhealthy and unhelpful behaviours. Things calmed down a lot after that.

HAHAHAHAHA

You don’t have an ASD/ND child do you?

I have an ASD son and a Neurotypical daughter, parenting practises I can use on my daughter get absolutely nowhere with my son.
‘Eventually they will tire and bend’ I mean my daughter would give ip after 5+ times of being corrected for sure, 20 mins into screaming she’d get bored or distracted. My son is like a computer, that kid will do the same thing 1000 times regardless of being corrected every single one. He will scream and tantrum for hours even days on end, it’s like arguing with a computer he never gives up and whilst he does tire and sleep he will wake up right where we left off and continue.

fighting him with best practise parenting approaches achieves nothing other than exhausting me and ruining my life and stopping my ability to actually parent my normal child or run my house

Op I get it my 7 year old is the same x

It’s called masking 🙄

I see the trolls are out

Parenting a ND child is incredibly difficult! We were where you are now and I totally get the bit about walking on eggshells.
There are lots of groups on Facebook with parents in similar situations - I learned so much.

Firstly you are not a bad person to think this. Loving a child and not liking things about them.,even ifvitbis not their fault,is ok. I bet there are a lot of parents with less challenging situations who think to themselves, that they didn't sign up for this. Ur feelings are valid. If you have other children,is there any way you can spend quality one on one time with them as well as u and ur partner gettin some quality time,perhaps bookin an annual leave day ever now and then when your daughter is at school? I would get in touch with school to reach out for support. Is there any way they can help? Thinking of you all.

Op I am so sorry you are struggling. My son is ND. It’s very difficult. And what worked for us may not work for you.

One thing I may suggest, is that can you speak to your GP about the possibility this could actually be OCD. Not neurodiversity. Or it could be both.

It's very difficult for the child and parent, it's not unusual at all to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by it all. These behaviours stem from overwhelm and anxiety, if you can remember this then it can help your perception, which can help a little bit in supporting her and in coping yourself. Looking at the root cause of difficulties and strategies for these, even without diagnosis, can give you a bit of hope whilst you wait for CAHMS. You could enquire about attending their information sessions now for support, prior to the assessment. They might be able to email you some useful information in the meantime. You could reach out to a third sector organisation too, for emotional support and possible practical support for yourself and your DD.

Those commenting about "bad behaviour" are best ignored as their suggestions are harmful for parent and child. Giving them this idea damages the relationship and their view of their child and parenting. The negative consequences can be long lasting. Unconditional Parenting might be a supportive read whilst you wait for CAHMS. AIBU is perhaps not a good place to get advice because of the number of people who aren't educated on neurodiversity and parenting.

Has her GP helped in any way towards the OCD? Even if she is waiting for a complete assessment could that part of her difficulties be addressed though the GP and on to mental health? It's horrendous for you..such constant stress. Are the school aware of her extreme difficulties at home as they might have some influence in speeding up her assessment if they have the full picture. It is common, especially for girls to mask at school and to bring the full force home then. Is she better in the holidays?
I have seen children improve immensely with Occupational Therapy intervention around sensory issues. Unfortunately getting a diagnosis only tells you what you already know and doesn't help to deal with the issues day to day. Has anyone given you any ideas of how to support her at her crisis times.
Not sure if this is any help but maybe go the mental help route while waiting for assessment.

You may be doing this already.