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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ungrateful brother

34 replies

Positivityonemoretime · 10/12/2022 22:36

Ok, so my brother came to UK to study in university 3 years ago. I financed the course he studied and paid ten thousand. Then he wanted to study further (a very tough course) which is for 2 years and the first instalment of ten thousand was paid by my parents. Then second was paid by me that is four thousand. All this while he was staying in my house and I was bearing all his expenses including pocket money, food, clothes etc.

He was at the beginning of his third semester (start of Covid lockdown ) when he suddenly started living outside stating that he’s living at his friend’s house. All lockdown he didn’t come to ours and slowly stopped picking calls and responding to messages. Being worried I used to call his university asking for his well being and sometimes also called police as he would not call or messages and my parents who live in another country were worried.

After a year, he called my mum and told them that he has a girlfriend and expecting their first child. Now the problem is I called him at my responsibility and he has betrayed my trust. His announcement has come as a cultural shock to my parents as in our family no one has child outside the wedlock. He’s the only son of my parents and he had damaged them completely. I know in this part of the world it’s very normal to have child without being married and I respect that and don’t judge.

Before he left my house (during lockdown ) he asked me £2000 for something and I gave him. After a year and half he came to my house to take his suitcase and behaved so weird. He was like a mad person, coming to hit me and had careless attitude . Since then he never calls me or pick my call or message me. Very weird ! He would call me parents once in 3-4 months. They are always asking for him, crying and begging him to come and see them but this person’s heart would not melt a bit. I wonder how much a person can change in a year ? From being a lovely son, brother to this cold blooded person. Plus how ungrateful of him. I did so much for him and in return he gave me this. My parents blame me for all this and I don’t complain as I was the one who called him to UK so that he could study and do well in life.

Last year I received a letter from his university that he needs to pay ten thousand fees for his third semester. I made him and his partner aware of it but today I again received a letter saying that they will take legal action if not paid. He has changed address for bank, Job and everything but cunningly not for university. What should I do ? I don’t know his address, don’t know anything about his whereabouts. How can I complain about him ? He’s in what’s app but hardly open my messages. I’m so angry at him and hoping the karma hits him back soon.

OP posts:
BattleofBeamfleot · 10/12/2022 22:40

If the letter is in his name, that £10,000 sounds like his problem - and not yours.

At this point it sounds very much like he has chosen his freedom, and the family obligations are unfortunately no longer something he wishes to do. There is nothing you can do about that, but let the chips fall as they will. If his studies are important, he can pay it. If not, he will drop out and he will have to make his own way.

Positivityonemoretime · 10/12/2022 22:46

@BattleofBeamfleot but how would they know where he lives now. The letter is coming to my house. Also it seems he did attended 3rd semester but failed it. Where can I make his complain as university also doesn’t know his address. How will they find out ?

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 10/12/2022 23:08

I can imagine you feel hurt, angry and let down after all the help you have given him over the years. To not answer your calls and ignore your messages seems mean.

You don't say how old he is but given all the courses, I guess he is around mid to late 20s. Your brother is a grown man and a father now. He may be ungrateful but you are not responsible for his behaviour nor his debts. Your parents should not blame you for the way is living his life.

Do not pay his debt, let the university chase it, tell your parents you will leave the door open for communication but you will stop chasing him if he doesn't want to be found. Given time, perhaps he will make his way back. If he contacts you again asking for money - refuse. You are a sister who has been very generous to him and not a bank. You may feel disappointed with his choices but truthfully I think your biggest issue is managing your parents expectations and pressure.

Good luck OP

Positivityonemoretime · 10/12/2022 23:15

@Kitkatcatflap thanks for your kind words. He’s 27 years old. I feel hurt and somewhere am guilty as well. Sometimes I just wish I had not called him here. I’ve kids as well and can imagine the pain of not hearing back from children. Just sad and unfortunate!

OP posts:
Positivityonemoretime · 10/12/2022 23:19

@Kitkatcatflap its been a year the university is sending letters to my address but they haven’t taken any action yet. How long will it take them to take action and how will they find him ? It’s been a year they are sending letters but so far no action is been taken. I just want them to force him to pay so that he knows the value of money.

OP posts:
Allsnotwell · 10/12/2022 23:26

Firstly you are now an auntie, your brother has found a girlfriend and obviously lives with her and is happy.

The money he owes is his debt - all you have to do is send the letter back ‘unknown at this address’ and let him deal with it. Clearly you still want control over him!

You aren’t building any bridges. You have no right to his address, and he doesn’t owe you anything. You chose to pay for him without May agreement or expectations.

Your parents should love their son regardless if any wedding! They have a grandchild they should be welcoming. He clearly knows how they feel, otherwise they would be thrilled for him.

malmi · 10/12/2022 23:26

It's up to the university how long they take before referring the debt to debt collectors or taking him to court. To take him to court they will need to find his current address. If they send debt collectors to your address you may need to be prepared to convince/prove to them that he has moved out. Don't let them come into the house though.

Positivityonemoretime · 10/12/2022 23:33

@Allsnotwell sorry but I’ve zero interest in him or his partner or his child. He’s a selfish person and one who could not appreciate his parents or sister, I doubt will appreciate his partner or child.

OP posts:
Positivityonemoretime · 10/12/2022 23:33

@malmi can I report this to police ?

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 10/12/2022 23:36

You need to contact the university and tell them he no longer lives at your house and you don't know where he is. If he is here on a student visor he runs the risk of it being revoked if he does not attend his course, which he won't be able to do if his fees are not paid.
The university will not be able to share information with you as he is an adult but will note what you say.

Blowthemandown · 10/12/2022 23:38

@Positivityonemoretime nobody forced him
to come and he owes you at least £16000 and your parents £10000 and an apology. You owe him nothing.

Positivityonemoretime · 10/12/2022 23:38

@HarrietSchulenberg he was in student visa but now he has a child he must have changed his visa status. Thanks for your advice, I’ll contact his university

OP posts:
Positivityonemoretime · 10/12/2022 23:43

@Blowthemandown funny part is he promised my parents that he will pay back the money they invested in him before he cane here. I don’t want anything from him as all I wanted was his secure future. He just let me down and pray that he feels the same pain my parents and I are feeling at the moment.

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 10/12/2022 23:45

I assume the letters from the university are addressed to him? If so why are you opening his mail?

poefaced · 10/12/2022 23:53

Do not pay the fees!

If he’s failed then you will be just throwing money away.

He has used you and your parents.

BattleofBeamfleot · 10/12/2022 23:53

Positivityonemoretime · 10/12/2022 22:46

@BattleofBeamfleot but how would they know where he lives now. The letter is coming to my house. Also it seems he did attended 3rd semester but failed it. Where can I make his complain as university also doesn’t know his address. How will they find out ?

The fees office will appoint a collection agent to collect the debt. They may use information from his credit report to match his old address with his new one and track him down that way, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter even if the CCJ and court docs start coming to your address - it's still his name, his responsibility no matter what address he has updated or not. He'll find out the hard way that it doesn't go away even if you try to hide.

And his name, his responsibility means YOU need to ignore those letters. Put them in an envelope you can hand over at some future time but for goodness sake, stop opening his post if it's addressed to him - it's a crime in this country to open someone else's mail. Start writing on the (unopened!!) envelopes "return to sender, not at this address" and putting them back in the post. The university will figure out what to do.

His choices, his problem. Put it out of your mind. If anyone ever does show up at your door (highly unlikely) all you do is say that he doesn't live there and hasn't lived there since X date.

Allsnotwell · 10/12/2022 23:56

sorry but I’ve zero interest in him or his partner or his child

I’ve kids as well and can imagine the pain of not hearing back from children

Can’t you?

Maybe he needed to be away from toxic parents? You have no right to decide his future, you appear to want revenge - you show no live or compassion for your own brother or his family. Selfish? Maybe.

The rest sounds controlling.

Toucan123 · 11/12/2022 01:00

I felt sorry for you until you said you had zero interest in his child. What a callous thing to say. That's your niece. It's not your baby niece's fault she has an ungrateful father. I can't imagine not feeling any love for my own nieces. They're family.

Positivityonemoretime · 11/12/2022 03:12

@Allsnotwell No, my parents are not toxic but he himself is. Parents who give birth to their children, give them good education, Look after and care for their every needs, pay for their further education by emptying their pockets and ignoring their own needs are not toxic BUT such children who forget their sacrifices are selfish.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 11/12/2022 03:25

It sounds like he has either been taking drugs or has mh problems (or both). If you know his address, let the university know.

malmi · 11/12/2022 04:15

Not a crime to open his mail as long as you're got a good reason and aren't using the information fraudulently. But yes, marking "Return to sender" is the best way to deal with his post.

As for reporting to the police, I'm not clear what you would be reporting. I don't see any crime carried out against you.

Shoxfordian · 11/12/2022 06:08

It sounds like he’s changed quite a lot and he wants a different kind of life now- it’s not your fault though and you’re not responsible for his choices so it’s unfair of your parents to blame you

Ponoka7 · 11/12/2022 06:20

It sounds as though he's ran away from the life that you and your parents chose for him. He probably won't speak to your parents because he doesn't want their opinion, he's made his choices and he's sticking by them. There will be guilt and embarrassment on his part about failing the course and not being able to pay the money back. As said contact the University and tell him that he's no longer at your address. Stop opening his letters and write 'not at this address' and put them back into a post box. There's only so much badgering that someone can take and he might have had to cut off your parents because he didn't want to hear what they had to say. He is in his right to do that. Things didn't go right for him, there's no karma due because of that. Or that he's broken cultural expectations.

junebirthdaygirl · 11/12/2022 06:20

As he knows neither you nor your parents will accept his baby he has no choice but to stay away. If you somehow could get the message to him that you would like to meet his partner/ child relationships could be restored. This is your parent's grandchild. I know the baby was born in circumstances not pleasing to them but a baby is a baby and always precious. I come from lreland where for generations families rejected children born outside marriage and it caused untold pain and rejection. Your dB has chosen either by his own decision or by the fact his gf got unexpectedly pregnant to pursue a life outside your culture but he is still family and that baby could bring much joy to your dps and to you and your children. Try and think about the situation in a different way.

Orla32 · 11/12/2022 06:35

Positivityonemoretime · 11/12/2022 03:12

@Allsnotwell No, my parents are not toxic but he himself is. Parents who give birth to their children, give them good education, Look after and care for their every needs, pay for their further education by emptying their pockets and ignoring their own needs are not toxic BUT such children who forget their sacrifices are selfish.

I appreciate that they're your parents and thus you feel anger - but look at what you say objectively - parents made sacrifices that the children never asked for, yet children are "selfish" to forget? Doesn't sound right to me.

I, like pretty much every parent, have made sacrifices for my children. If they "remember" them or not if neither here nor there. I made them for my children out of love, not for them to recognise/remember etc.

I think, like other posters have suggested, he has chosen to be free from the cultural restraints. Instead of wishing him poor just tell the university you have no idea where he is and move on with your life. Unfortunately, you shouldn't have paid that money if you couldn't afford to loose it.

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