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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Break up with boyfriend now feeling regret and bad. Maybe I made the wrong decision .

54 replies

Bebenama · 10/12/2022 17:34

Hi all I’m 37 single mum ex partner is 42 no kids and lives with his parents. I finally broke up with him yesterday after couple of months of thinking about it. But regretting my decision.

background
I started dating last October and by November he has slowly moved himself in my house, at the time I was doing renovations and decorating at my house which he helped so much and eventually was staying over a lot at my house. I had work men came that did major work and he fitted my kitchen units as got last minute disappointment. During arguments he would always remind me of doing my kitchen units.

at a very early stage I never wanted living together especially so soon, so that has always bothered me and feel like he moved in too soon. He never paid a penny for atleast 3 months of living together but I thought since he fit my kitchen unit I will let it go. After that he’s been paying half with me.
i found I was pregnant 2 months after we met, I had abortion as felt he lied to me, but he says he didn’t.He said he couldn’t get anyone pregnant as he was married 10 years and a long term relationship lasted 4 years and non got pregnant. So I never use contraception or any protection, very stupid of me.

he is very handy and would a lot of DIY in the house I do all the house work I cook and wash his clothes.

reason I broke up with him
from the start I told him my goal is to get married eventually, so two months ago this topic was discussed, he said he want us to go buy a house together and see how things go. My reply was you are not yet divorced from your wife ( they are separated 8 years ago, I know he doesn’t see or talk to her. He just wouldn’t divorce as he claim was waiting for 5 year separation) and I would only buy a house with my husband not a boyfriend or partner.

I also said but we already living together a year in my house,

other reasons, he is a high earner and never really takes me out on a date we only be out on dinner about 3 times and once to cinema. I have constantly complained but nothing changed. My kids have Sunday dance class for 3 hours so I ask him to come with me and refuse saying he can’t get up 9:30am too early.

on the other hand I do all the cooking and cleaning, he will get take away on occasion once or twice a month.

he work at home 9am till 7pm then he goes training till midnight or to the garden till late playing with the chicken, so I get frustrated as he’s not spending time with us and I complain and he get angry.

the sex is only once or twice a month.

is the above enough reason to break up. Please help at the end he was trying a bit. I still love him but don’t miss the house work and as we don’t do much together.

what should I do?

OP posts:
Whyisitthiscoldalready · 10/12/2022 17:37

One and only thing you need to focus on is that you thought it was best to break up with him. Your brain and heart made that decision, don't betray them. Plus he sounds like a twat, he lied to you, sounds like he was also using you. Don't take that idiot back, you made the right decision.

WhyCantYourPartnerDoIt · 10/12/2022 17:38

Almost 40 and didn’t use contraception? Weren’t worried about STDs?

YABU

Jingleoverthatway · 10/12/2022 17:38

What are his good points? That he could do a bit of DIY?!

harrassedmumto3 · 10/12/2022 17:40

A man moved into your house with your children within a month or two of meeting? I mean, it's so irresponsible that it's unbelievable.

girlmom21 · 10/12/2022 17:41

Prioritise your children and stay away from the waster.

MRex · 10/12/2022 17:42

Take time to work out what you liked and didn't like about him. It's all moved quite quickly, and sounds like you needed some things to be very different. Also see what he does, if he doesn't come back asking to try again then it's surely a non-starter as he doesn't care enough.

Readaboutyourself · 10/12/2022 17:43

You 👏🏼 don’t 👏🏼 need 👏🏼 a 👏🏼 reason 👏🏼 to 👏🏼 end 👏🏼 a 👏🏼 relationship

Annabananna1 · 10/12/2022 17:47

You probably don't miss him or think you've made the wrong decisions. It's just temporary loneliness or a bit of anxiety trying to twist your thoughts. You'll get through it and be out the other side soon enough, and it'll happen much quicker and cleaner if you are full no contact

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/12/2022 17:53

Not the point of the thread but how do you play with a chicken?

You have probably done the right thing...if you have to ask someone to spend time with you, I dont think that's a good thing

SuperCamp · 10/12/2022 18:02

OP, since you have children, and your own house, why would you marry him (or anyone?). If you marry, and then split up, he (or anyone) could claim half the value of your house!

The marriage issue aside, you want a committed, long term relationship.

In relationship terms this one is still very new. You should be high with excitement, loved up, loads of sex. But you are dissatisfied, frustrated… and it is highly likely that he has moved in with you as it’s better than living with his parents.

And as for him not even being divorced after all those years…

You seem to have made the right decision in ending it.

m00rfarm · 10/12/2022 18:13

Is chicken a typo?

Original poster
Bebenama · 10/12/2022 18:23

Sorry we have chicks and hen in the garden, so he will go feed them and spend time with them possibly putting extra screw on the coup that may not be even required

OP posts:
RagzRebooted · 10/12/2022 18:28

You're well rid. You made bad decisions, now you've made a good one. Be pleased with yourself and look forwards.

Itsoktogiveup · 10/12/2022 20:11

If this is how you feel this soon then it probably isn’t a relationship you can grow old with.

Xmassprout · 10/12/2022 20:18

Why do you feel as though you need to justify breaking up with him? You really don't need a reason. And it's sounds like it was quite a miserable relationship in a short space of time, isn't the first year supposed to be the most fun?

Tuilpmouse · 10/12/2022 20:30

@SuperCamp

I'm not an expert, but I don't think you're right regarding splitting of assets upon divorce. My understanding is that the r principle is that:

"Most assets and finances that have been acquired or built up during the course of the marriage will be added to the so-called ‘matrimonial pot’ upon divorce."

Summerhillsquare · 10/12/2022 20:58

He sounds like the infamous mumsnet cocklodger to be honest, draining resources out of you.

RampantIvy · 10/12/2022 21:59

He sounds awful. You made the right decision.

You have children, and he moved in only a few weeks after you met him? You need to review your boundaries.

wotsinthebox · 10/12/2022 22:00

It's done now.

Sounds like it was for the best.

Original poster
Bebenama · 10/12/2022 22:07

thanks everyone for your message I know I have been stupid to allow him move too soon. Feeling so sad that I may always be alone.

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 10/12/2022 22:10

He was a cocklodger. You are well rid!

Original poster
Bebenama · 10/12/2022 22:10

I feel bad the we had a ver heated argument and really nasty words exchanged feeling sad

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 10/12/2022 22:12

Feeling so sad that I may always be alone.

Please don't settle for someone who isn't worth it jsut because you don't want to be alone. It sounds like your self esteem is rock bottom. You don't need a man to feel validated.

Wordlecurdle · 10/12/2022 22:21

Readaboutyourself · 10/12/2022 17:43

You 👏🏼 don’t 👏🏼 need 👏🏼 a 👏🏼 reason 👏🏼 to 👏🏼 end 👏🏼 a 👏🏼 relationship

But 👏there 👏 will 👏 always 👏 be 👏 a 👏 reason 👏 why 👏 someone 👏wants 👏to 👏end 👏 a 👏 relationship.

wotsinthebox · 10/12/2022 22:23

If its done its done. Don't go back. He might not even want you back. I wouldn't if I'd been dumped. But its all good he sounds shit tbh