Family time vs visit of a friend?

[Rainydays2]

I'm feeling a bit upset with my friend....close friend for 10+ years, she recently got married, had a baby, and two months ago she moved to another town, 2 hours away. Since moving, she kept saying that we should meet up so that she can show me her new flat, and to have a Christmas get-together. While she was still living in the same town, she often called me on short notice to come over to hers, usually during the week, because her partner was working a lot. I was happy to keep her company, came over to hers for a couple of hours, and it was ok because we lived next door and I WFH as a freelance, so can spare a couple of hours once per week, and catch up with work afterwards.

We planned to meet up...I have no issue being the one that travels, since she has a baby and also she wants to show me her new flat. But a weekday visit is just a bit tricky, with a 4-hour round trip I'd be losing the whole day, and its quite a busy time for me at work. I asked if I could come and visit her on a weekend (any weekend), but her reply was 'no, that's family time for us. But if you're busy now don't worry, maybe you can find a weekday in the new year'.

Now I do understand the importance of family time, but I'd be losing a whole day of work by visiting during the week on top of paying for my train ticket. (Also slightly taken aback that she suggests not meeting before the new year, we used to see each other every week and I haven't seen her since she moved 2 months ago.)
I told her that I think that's a bit unreasonable to make me lose a day at work and that I was looking forward to our christmas get-together, so she said 'ok, then come tomorrow (Sunday) and we'll have a coffee', but I'm reluctant to travel all the way knowing that she's not really up for it anyway. Tempted to text back 'don't bother, have a good Sunday and merry Christmas'....or am I being a drama queen now? Should I just go and visit her tomorrow?

I told her that I think that's a bit unreasonable to make me lose a day at work

She wasn’t making you lose a day though, it would be your choice. She’s just telling you when works for you, if it doesn’t work for you then that’s fine but she isn’t making you do anything.

You've highlighted why that doesn't work for you so she's offered Sunday instead, what's wrong with that?
We have family coming this afternoon, were at another family member's tomorrow, next weekend we have work Christmas do and a Christmas event up at PIL, the weekend after is Christmas. Most people will be busy with family commitments at weekends in December

She was being unreasonable writing all her weekends off saying that's only for family time. It's strange behaviour. I have to kind of agree with you that she's now only saying come tomorrow as you've pointed out that it's a bit unfair. So has she said it in a strop, if so it's wasting everyone's time going because neither of you are going to be really that into it. On the other hand, are you ready to lose a friendship over it? Because your reply would likely be the end of it. That's what you will have to weigh up x

I don’t understand this whole inflexible weekend family time thing. One day seeing a friend isn’t going to detract from seeing your family on all of the other weekends! What a boring and prescriptive way to live. Anyway. I’d just say to her you won’t be able to make a weekday at any point because you’ll be working and it’s too long a trip. I’m not sure whether I’d go tomorrow, depends if you think she actually wants to see you or was reluctant about having you over

@luxxlisbon yes, that's true...I just feel that I could tell her 'fine, weekends in my town work for me', and then we'd just never see each other again. I feel it needs a bit of effort from both sides.

@RewildingAmbridge not as in pre-arranged family visits, she just reserves weekends for her husband and baby. Well I know that she doesn't really want to see me on Sunday so I think it might be a bit uncomfortable. I feel she only offered it because she could see I was upset.

@HelllBaby yes, that's my worry...i think its now a choice between an uncomfortable meeting tomorrow, or losing the friendship

I'd go tomorrow, you said you wanted a Christmas get together! I don't see what the problem is. You explained why you can't do week days and she's offered an alternative. She may be really busy the next few weekends as it's the festive season.

And I would make clear to her going forward you can't do weekdays due to the travel time now. I don't understand this family time at all costs attitude. It's a couple of hours with a friend every few weeks, doesn't need to take up the whole weekend!

A four hour round trip and she will begrudgingly offer a you a coffee??! Fuck that. She's made her priorities clear and sadly it isn't you.

People can go a bit dotty when they have young children so if she has otherwise been a good friend I might cut her some slack and hope she sees how ridiculous she is being at some point.

But perhaps she has always been a cheeky fucker but has been able to get away with it because of circumstances.

I have a friend whose just like this. I’ve learnt everything is on her terms so I also think about my terms. If I want a cinema buddy I’ll see her etc . If it’s convenient for me I’ll see her but I want go out of my way ever. It’s not worth it when you’re never the priority.

I think it’s completely normal to not see each other as much if you’re now two hours away and you used to live in the same town. The weekday arrangement used to suit both of you but now it doesn’t. That’s how life goes and things never stay the same forever. If you have been willing in the past to go on a weekday in work hours and catch up on work after, she isn’t entirely unreasonable to think you could still do that.

Family time is important, especially when her baby is young but again, it might change and she might be more flexible in the future. I would advise giving some grace rather than falling out, and I would take her up on the coffee offer.

I had a friend who had a baby and declared that she could no longer see me at all on weekends.

turned out she actually caught up with other people on weekends but that was because that was when they were free whereas because I wfh it was much more convenient for her to see me during my working hours

i had a long thread on here at the time that was very helpful.

i withdrew from the friendship

i bumped into her recently and she went absolutely batshit at me about how I didn’t support her.

i feel very relieved to not be friends with her anymore.

bottom line - sure having a baby changes things - but you can’t blatantly put your friends to the bottom of the pile and expect them to provide you with support

she won’t change. And shes going to be very grumpy in ten years time when she wants to go out but has no one to go out with….

I don't think I'd make a four hour round trip "for a coffee"

If you could flex your time before, can you not do that now and free up a week day?
However if her stance is weekdays only and it's a four hour trip, maybe consider keeping things zoom/phone only for a bit?

Definitely don't reply that

Just go on the Sunday offered or go on a weekday and lose the days work

Go tomorrow for a couple of hours. Have a conversation and suggest alternating weekends with weekdays. So there is give and take on both sides.

Can you work a few hours on the weekend to make up for week days hours lost!

I’d say “I don’t want to do a 4 hr round trip for coffee. Let’s meet in the New Year for dinner in xx (is there a town half way between you?) to catch up”
I know that means you don’t see the new flat, but there’s got to be a compromise between no weekends and no weekdays.

Suggest her husband takes a weekday off to make up for any family time lost to your visit!

4 hours round trip for coffee? Just no!

A (childfree, like me) long-standing friend of mine did something similar a few years ago. I was actually going to visit (4 hours each way, winter) to do an unpaid work presentation for her and had to stay overnight with her given the travelling time. She asked if I could turn up really late so she could have quality time on the Sunday with her DH.

I decided I was otherwise engaged and said she's need to find another presenter for the workplace training (and probably pay them for it, too).

You are her back up company for family and close friends aren’t available.

For you own self respect Op, I would draw a line through this relationship

I agree with this.

Whilst I do get and sympathise with the family time at the weekend concept, she knows you have a 4 hour round trip and work in the week. So, in order to maintain the friendship she should expect to need to compromise and sacrifice some regular family time. Or not, if she doesn't want to maintain the friendship. Then perhaps when you have some annual leave you could schedule a week day visit in, in return.
So on that basis, YANBU imo.

You're not her priority now she has a young baby, things do change. Some people do this "my little family" thing, it's not for me but we're all different.
Let it go, don't make a 4 hour journey for a coffee, wait til she contacts you.

Maybe this friendship will not work for you going forward. I do understand blocking off the weekends for family time. I very, very rarely make weekend plans and never for a Sunday. If I did make a weekend plan it would be with a friend who is a parent of dc's friends. Not because I do not value my child free friends, I do, but because I want to spend time with DC. So I don't want shopping trips, or coffee or brunch etc on a Saturday afternoon. I want the zoo, or a park, or somewhere that enables me to spend time enjoying my children. So I wouldn't take offence at that bit.

That said, friendship needs to go both ways and you need to feel appreciated and valued. If you do not, then questioning what you get out of the relationship is worthwhile.

Why wouldn't you go tomorrow like she's suggested?

4 hour round trip for a coffee?

No way would I do a four hour round trip for a coffee.
This friendship won’t last if you work full time and she will only see friends on weekdays.

Hopefully as she gets used to parenting she will chill out and realise she was being ridiculous