To not know what happens if my father dies?

[OverwhelmedByLife]

I will start by saying I'm low contact with both of my parents due to my childhood.

They split up 20 years ago but never divorced. Both got with new partners but neither interested in marrying again so never thought to divorce as neither wanted contact with the other.

My father is now quite ill and elderly. I'm trying to be there for him and I do feel guilty even though I distanced myself from him for food reason.

It now looks like he may not make it for much longer and this is causing me anxiety as well as the stress of losing him soon.

My mother has hidden everything about her life from people so he would never find her, but technically they are still married? So does this mean that she still remains as next of kin?

I'm worried about what happens when my father passes. I'm assuming it would fall to me to arrange the funeral and other things, but that my mother would inherit everything as next of kin. This worries me because my mother would have absolutely no interest in helping to arrange a funeral for someone she hates. But I do not have the financial means to pay for a funeral myself.

As bad as my childhood was I would hate for my father to not have a proper send off. And also I don't think my mother would go anywhere near his house because of neighbours who knew them both, so it will fall to me to sort that out and arrange to sell it and then the money go to my mother.

So far in my life I've been lucky enough to not go through bereavement and suddenly know I'm going to lose my father has frightened me and I'm struggling to sleep.

I'm also feeling torn as I feel like I should be defending both of them against the other as they both have their reasons for hating each other.

Can anyone advise me on what I should do going forward?

I don't want any inheritance. I just want to avoid stress of becoming responsible for things that will cause a lot of hurt and trauma. Especially if it involves visiting my childhood home again.

Please be gentle with me.

Sorry I forgot to add that he also has no will and is not willing to get one, even though having one could mean his partner could inherit his house.

Yes if he dies with no will and still being married to your mother then she will inherit under the rules of intestacy. There are rules that are followed when no will is made. See link below.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/who-can-inherit-if-there-is-no-will-the-rules-of-intestacy/#:~:text=When%20a%20person%20dies%20without,is%20called%20an%20intestate%20person.

If your Mum is next of kin, they will have the responsibility to administer the estate. The funeral can be paid out of the estate monies. She may wish to waive her role as administrator and someone else can take this up (ie you) so you would be in control of the estate and can take money for the funeral. However as next of kin she would get all the money afer funeral and and debts and liabilities are paid.

Re your Dad's parter, if she is dependent on him financially/for her living situation she can make a claim against the estate for provision. She would need a solicitor though.

I’d approach his partner she’s going to end up homeless get her on board

My FiL died a few years ago. My partner was his only son so we had to sort things out.

We didn't have a clue but found this very helpful.
www.gov.uk/after-a-death

OP if your father made a will, his executors are responsible for arranging the funeral (according to any wishes stated in the will.) If he dies intestate (without a valid will) the rules of intestacy apply. The gov.uk website has very clear information about how intestacy works under "death and bereavement" and includes information about what to do when someone dies. Re paying for a funeral, most banks will pay a funeral directors invoice from the deceased bank account (even though it's otherwise frozen when the account holder dies.) You have no responsibility personally to pay for a funeral, it's an expense upon the estate. I'm very sorry that you are facing this situation, and especially in the context of a difficult family history.

You need to find out if he has a current will: this will make things a lot easier for you. Do you get on with his partner? They might have had “the talk” with him about his wishes for after he dies. There may be savings, investments, property, life insurance/ assurance policies that could cover the immediate expenses of the funeral etc. He may not even want a funeral which is another thing to consider. Is he an organ donor and has he registered this interest?
I appreciate I’m actually throwing more questions at you but these are very important things you need to sort out before he dies.
This link may be helpful to you

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/what-to-do-after-a-death/

Stay strong ❤️

Thank you I will have a good read of the links shared.

His partner has her own house, they don't live together just stay over at each others houses.

If my mother were to nominate me to make funeral arrangements to be paid for from his bank account, would she then have to approve every step? This could turn into the most minimal funeral if the case.

He has no idea as to where she is located so I don't even know what would happen when he dies.

He is set against a will. I am not sure why. As it would mean his partner was left in at least a bit of a better situation after losing him.

He's also a hoarder and the thought of having to sort his house is causing me so much anxiety.

Do you know what the rough value of his house might be? The default position, if he doesn't have a will, is that your mother inherits the first £270,000 and you and she split anything in excess of that 50/50. If the house is worth more than that threshold it would at least mean you'd have funds to pay for the funeral, and you could reasonably claim letters of administration, but it would mean you were embroiled in the estate and the decluttering.

It could be difficult I'm afraid: in your position I'd start by offering his partner her pick of mementos from the house, but your DM might not agree.

Here's the link
www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will/y/england-and-wales/yes/yes/yes

You can pay for house clearers. You don’t need to do it.

Not sure what happened there, here's a screenshot

Even if he wrote a will it wouldn’t matter. Your mother is still his legal wife and could dispute any will that left her out. He couldn’t leave marital assets to his partner and nothing to his wife

so the will is pointless. Your main concern is the funeral costs which will be paid out the estate. You can make arrangements if your mum doesn’t, and then it will be paid from his bank account when you present his bank with the bill and death certificate. If he hasn’t enough funds in account the house can be sold to pay the bill. If your mum wants to keep the house she will have to settle the bill to prevent a sale.

You say you distanced yourself from him for a reason.

was the breakup more your mothers fault or more your fathers fault.

perhaps your father who is still married to your mother knows there will be no death duties if he is worth over a certain amount.

perhaps your father loves his partner very much, but they made an agreement what’s theirs is theirs.

perhaps your father wants his wife and children to have his goods and chattels but doesn’t want to spell it out. He knows (unless his parents are still alive) his wife and children will be the beneficiaries

Go through the house to remove any personal effects or paperwork. Pay a house clearance company to empty the house, pay cleaners to clean. Set the costs of those against the estate.

If he writes a will, and he doesn’t live with his wife, two addresses, two council taxes, she has a fight (an expensive one) on her hands!

Sorry to come in here with no legal advice.. but all I'll say is if there is anything you want to say to your Dad, say it. Mine left when I was 12.. up until then he was my best friend. He treated me terribly since the split, had nothing to do with me, had no time for children in his new life with new GF. He was vile.
When I was 24 (10 years ago) I wrote him a letter, a very well balanced letter I'm still proud of. I told him everything that I wanted to. I left it open that if he wanted to get back in contact, I would never say no as life is too short etc.

I never heard back but that was my closure. I'm glad I wrote what I did. It was far more than he deserved really but I will always know I tried.

If you know your Father isn't long for this world, easy as it is to get wrapped up in the funeral arrangements understandably, please think about yourself & if there is anything YOU want to say to him whilst you still can, good or bad.

His estate will pay funeral costs before anyone who would inherit. Unless you inherit a share then you are not obliged to do anything with his house.

What a silly man knowingly leaving such a mess for you to sort out.

Would he sign up for, and pay for, a basic funeral package? That would save you the hassle of having to arrange all that. All you’d have to do is think about what readings or songs you’d want.
If your mum is going to inherit everything and she can’t be bothered helping you, you’d be in your own rights to leave her to clear the house and sort it all out, especially if she’s not been particularly good to you.

No such thing as a ‘Next of kin’ in legal matters.
If you want a slice of any inheritance, assuming your Mother doesn’t want to deal with his estate, you will have to apply for letters of administration (probate) under the rules of intestacy.
If you want nothing, you dont need to get involved at all.

There's no law that says you have to arrange this. If no family will arrange a funeral the local authority has to do it, although they will make every effort to find a family member to do it.

Sorry if I've missed any questions.

He won't discuss anything like that with me, we pretty much only speak over text now and again and haven't seen each other in a very long time.

The split was my father's fault but he has always been in denial so in his mind I think he thinks it was all my mother's fault. That she took me away from him and took his happy little life. He caused me mental health issues but has refused to ever speak about it, so it has been difficult for me to be there for him.

I sort of feel like I've been ignored for years and suddenly now I'm needed all the stress has been put upon my shoulders. And my mother with happily take the value of the house and bank balance but will not be willing to do any of the work needed that comes with that.

The house and savings would be way under 250k.

I'd actually prefer to not have any inheritance because I think it would make me feel more guilty.

No, AFAIK you just organise the funeral and then submit the receipt to the bank to have the cost paid out of your father's savings.

Regarding house clearance, there are house clearance companies that will do it (if there is anything they can sell, that will offset a bit of the cost) or some charities e.g. British Heart Foundation do it.

Look after yourself, it's not easy. My mum died recently and we were no contact, a lot of emotions to deal with along with all the practicalities, it's a rubbish time.

If your mum wants nothing to do with it then she pays for someone else to. As mentioned above remove any thing you (or his partner) want to keep, then employ a house clearance company and cleaners.

The estate will pay for the funeral.

You can just step back massively. Your mother can sort it out given she’ll benefit most. There is no need for you to feel guilty at all about an absent father whose only caused you pain.