To not know what happens if my father dies?

[OverwhelmedByLife]

I will start by saying I'm low contact with both of my parents due to my childhood.

They split up 20 years ago but never divorced. Both got with new partners but neither interested in marrying again so never thought to divorce as neither wanted contact with the other.

My father is now quite ill and elderly. I'm trying to be there for him and I do feel guilty even though I distanced myself from him for food reason.

It now looks like he may not make it for much longer and this is causing me anxiety as well as the stress of losing him soon.

My mother has hidden everything about her life from people so he would never find her, but technically they are still married? So does this mean that she still remains as next of kin?

I'm worried about what happens when my father passes. I'm assuming it would fall to me to arrange the funeral and other things, but that my mother would inherit everything as next of kin. This worries me because my mother would have absolutely no interest in helping to arrange a funeral for someone she hates. But I do not have the financial means to pay for a funeral myself.

As bad as my childhood was I would hate for my father to not have a proper send off. And also I don't think my mother would go anywhere near his house because of neighbours who knew them both, so it will fall to me to sort that out and arrange to sell it and then the money go to my mother.

So far in my life I've been lucky enough to not go through bereavement and suddenly know I'm going to lose my father has frightened me and I'm struggling to sleep.

I'm also feeling torn as I feel like I should be defending both of them against the other as they both have their reasons for hating each other.

Can anyone advise me on what I should do going forward?

I don't want any inheritance. I just want to avoid stress of becoming responsible for things that will cause a lot of hurt and trauma. Especially if it involves visiting my childhood home again.

Please be gentle with me.

Won’t his partner arrange a funeral? She may not be able to instruct undertakers etc, but she could organise a social event?

OP, I really feel for you, this is all very upsetting.

It is actually very uncaring of your Dad not to make a will. He is the architect of his own chaos. You really aren’t obliged to do anything, legally or morally.

You absolutely do not have to do anything.
For my df, I arranged the funeral and sent the bill to his bank, who paid it directly from his account.

Just want to say that applying for letters of administration only entitles you to deal with the estate, not to any inheritance.

You don't need to be involved at all.
His current partner and his wife can sort it.

Honestly just keep your distance and not get sucked into his mess of his making.

He'll get the funeral he deserves and presumably wants (as he hasn't made any arrangements himself - and we all know we will all die and need a funeral at some point).

If it was me and I'd had the relationship you describe, I think I'd step back and find a way to commemorate your father in your own way that feels respectful and symbolic, without being involved in funerals.
Take a walk in some woodland and write down what you'd have liked to say to him, then find a symbolic way of letting it go.. That sort of thing...

If your mother is disinterested in organising a funeral, which is completely understandable, then his current partner may.

If your mother ends up with everything, but then leaves you to sort things and doesn't give you thr finances, then that's an issue with your Mum. Do you have a good relationship with her? Would she not make sure your wishes are carried out when it comes to your father and what was his money?

@OverwhelmedByLife
I don’t think you’ll get any inheritance as your dad has not specified it in a will.
All the money will go to your mum.

If he dies without a will, then there is no executor - you don’t have to do it.

If your Mum inherits everything then it’s very much a case of Her circus, her monkeys. Don’t be guilted into doing her work for her

There are ways to honour your father's role in your life without having any part in his funeral. It sounds like you barely know the guy, the odd text here & there?

Thank you everyone. You are right that I do not have a decent relationship with either parent. I grew up in an alcoholic household which has caused severe mental help issues with my mother.

This means that my only communication with both is the odd message. My father o chose not to see, because he is only interested in seeing me in pubs. And due to childhood hurt I don't want to do that.

My mother refuses to see me or anyone else as she just is not interested. I have tried over the years and just get rejected every single time.

I guess when I say about it all falling to me.. that's because I feel I owe them something because they are my parents. I don't know if they would expect it from me but in the past when either has been ill it has been down to me to step up even though they both have parents.

I've also been in abusive relationships so I don't think my judgement on these things can be reliable. I am very torn by emotions and anxiety I think.

Take your time to feel into it, but actually it could be really healing and freeing to decide what you want and need to do, rather than going with what you feel is owed.