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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Invite in-laws over parents to nativity?

30 replies

nativitygrinch · 09/12/2022 14:18

Good afternoon,

So I live close to my parents and around a hour away from my in-laws.

My in-laws tend not to see the big deal in things like nativities, birthdays, Christmas etc but are very hands on day to day.
They come over a couple of times a week to see dc and when I'm sick/struggling, they are the first to come round with a weeks worth of cooking and basically look after me.

My parents on the other hand, live 5 minutes away, don't visit and make it clear they don't want us to visit them but want to be there for birthdays, etc and will get upset if they don't see GC on birthdays etc and get the praise for gifts etc.

Well it's my sons nativity next week and my in-laws have asked if they can come. The problem is. I'm only allowed two guests. And my husband wants to come and MIL. MIL has never been to a nativity before and wants to see DS first one.

I know for a fact my mother will go absolutely mental as it's "her thing" but I'm sick of her getting the glory of grandparent of the year by the children when my MIL truly is the godsend.
For example when I was hospitalised due to covid it was my MIL who looked after the children and did everything when dh was working, but because my mother took them out to soft play for a hour, she was grandma of the hour.

Aibu to say no actually I think MIL should come for once?

OP posts:

Sprouttreesareamazing · 09/12/2022 14:20

Just tell her you tossed a coin and mil won.. Do not get into any sort of discussion.. Or you will find yourself apologising when you have done nothing wrong..

ancientgran · 09/12/2022 14:22

Good for you, I think you should go for it. I'm biased as I was very hurt when despite being the gran who picked them up from school, who got the phone calls if they were ill at school, the one who had them for a week when mum wanted to go on holiday with new boyfriend I didn't get the golden ticket.

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 14:22

MIL should come. Is there anything else happening round Christmas your DM could go to. You could check with school if there are any spare tickets, and if there are DM could come to. Your parents seem to be the equivalent of Disney dads

SuburbanMummy123 · 09/12/2022 14:23

You should totally take your wonderful MIL. She sounds amazing. Make up whatever excuse you like to your mother

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/12/2022 14:23

There isn’t much choice really, is there. Who deserves to come? Who will your DC be most pleased to see?

WhenDovesFly · 09/12/2022 14:25

Sprouttreesareamazing · 09/12/2022 14:20

Just tell her you tossed a coin and mil won.. Do not get into any sort of discussion.. Or you will find yourself apologising when you have done nothing wrong..

This. I'd say you and DH both wanted your DMs to come but only one ticket so you both flipped a coin for fairness, and DH won.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 09/12/2022 14:26

You’re free to invite who you like! Does your mother even need to know? You could just tell her there were limited tickets so she can’t come and leave it at that.

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 14:27

I invited our neighbours to one of DS’s school plays as they had been like surrogate grandparents to him, due to all grandparents living miles away. You can invite who you like

purpleme12 · 09/12/2022 14:27

Yes say mil's coming.
If you really want to you could say she could come next year. She can hardly argue at that

pizzaHeart · 09/12/2022 14:28

Just tell her you tossed a coin and mil won..
this ^ great idea!
don’t tell your Mum that it’s because she’s not helping enough or whatever, it won’t get desirable effect. Next time ask her for help when you need it as usual of course but don’t tell her anything re: Nativity tickets - words once said can’t be taken back.

Starrystarrylights · 09/12/2022 14:36

I would just tell her it's mil's turn as she has done so much to support you this year.

Clymene · 09/12/2022 14:38

Honestly don't start WWIII over this. The coin toss is a great idea.

AdventuringAway · 09/12/2022 14:43

Absolutely not unreasonable to invite your MIL. I think the coin toss is a great coverup. Unless you actually want to have it out with your mum over this - but that could get out of hand very quickly.

Original poster

nativitygrinch · 09/12/2022 14:44

Clymene · 09/12/2022 14:38

Honestly don't start WWIII over this. The coin toss is a great idea.

Yeah I think I will mention the coin toss.
I'll blame dh and say it was his idea to be fair.

She will still moan about how it's her things but we will be having Christmas dinner with her anyway.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 09/12/2022 14:51

Tell your Mum Mil is going to nativity but she can take dgc to see Santa. Surely she would be happy with that.

strawberry2017 · 09/12/2022 14:54

Just don't tell her?

sheepdogdelight · 09/12/2022 15:01

I wouldn't tell her at all. (If she's anything like my mum) she will end up keeping a mental tally and at some point when you least expect it she will drag it out as evidence that you don't value her.

Just say she can't come to the nativity as there are only limited seats. Don't offer up any more details.

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 15:33

If you are Having Christmas Day with her surely it is fair that MIL can have the nativity. Do you alternate Christmas Day?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/12/2022 15:38

def take mil. She sounds amazing.

I can’t get past the fact your parents live 5 min away but don’t visit you and don’t like you visiting them! Why is that?

Original poster

nativitygrinch · 09/12/2022 16:10

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/12/2022 15:38

def take mil. She sounds amazing.

I can’t get past the fact your parents live 5 min away but don’t visit you and don’t like you visiting them! Why is that?

Because they don't like their routine being ruined. It's really weird.
Just get no support from them at all.
I asked for help once and she moaned relentlessly about how we cannot expect to move near her again and she drops everything ...
(Briefly moved to a different city for 6 months for husbands work stint we still kept our bloody house!)

Guess not very high up in her priorities.
She comes and meets us at the shopping centre every few weeks :/

OP posts:

OnTheBackOfMyFoot · 09/12/2022 16:19

I would tell her it's MIL's turn this year. If she kicks off I'd probably be tempted to mention how helpful MiL has been and how much effort she makes with the grandkids but that might be a little petty. Definitely don't be bullied though. Let MiL see her grandkids in the nativity.

NoelNoNoel · 09/12/2022 16:21

Definitely take MIL who sounds amazing by the way, then possibly alternate years between the grandparents.

StrawberryPot · 09/12/2022 16:25

I'd be tempted to ask her to explain to you why she thinks she deserves to go rather than MIL.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/12/2022 16:35

Don't even mention it, will she even know there is a nativity? Tell her your DC asked his other GP if she would come when she was round visiting? Sounds like you have a fab MIL and you're making a good choice here.

saraclara · 09/12/2022 16:55

Why is it 'her thing' and why has that been allowed to happen? The maternal grandmother is no more important than the paternal one.

I'm a maternal grandmother myself, but I get very frustrated when I read posts on here where the maternal one is favoured (or considers themselves more important)

Like you, I had a wonderful MIL, and an uninterested mum. But fortunately my DM was so uninterested she wouldn't have cared about going on the first place!

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