Controlling angry Mothers and their adult sons.

[djovic]

I know a man who has become controlling, rigid and angrier as time has gone on in a relationship.I actually think he dislikes women.His Mother is also angry ,controlling and desperately negative and plays the martyr ,all the time.He really speaks about her like he doesnt like her.She insults him all the time.,He always has had relationships with strong , independent women but these relationships have ended largely in part, due to his DARVOesque methods of communication.He tends to 'break' these women first though. He has his sisters on pedestals and behaves like he is afraid of upsetting them at times.He is 45 years of age, single after yet another failed relationship.Is this a learned behaviour...Can any good come from this and what is going on with him.Thanks

Anyone please....

What is your interest in this man?

Romantic? Work colleague? Fellow canal clearing volunteer?

He doesn't sound very nice; best avoided. No need to give him headspace.

Romantic interest.

Why would you have romantic interest in someone you describe like this😳

I did have romantic interest but not anymore.I should have said that.I've just made the connection regarding him and his mother so Im wondering if this could be a 'thing', thanks

Why are you trying to fix him?
Focus on you & find someone else.
Rescuers can be attracted to people who need fixing, do that ring true for you? (Reformed rescuer & people pleaser here).

Does he add too much seasoning to his freshly cooked meals in a restaurant? Thus angering the kitchen staff?

Does he deliberately untuck the corners of your bedsheets?

If he does, leg it. Now.

By 45 its time for men to take responsibility for their own actions and stop blaming everything on their mothers.

OK. If you know his preferred wooing method involves 'breaking' strong independent women, that he likes using DARVO techniques and actively dislikes women but you still fancy 'changing him' yourself, then go ahead, fill your boots, get yourself reeled in. [hint - he won't change, you will get hurt]

It doesn't matter what causes him to behave as he does, what DOES matter is that you keep yourself safe. That can include putting oiks like this one in the bin.

Phew no romantic interest. You swerved a bullet.

Redirected aggression happens in situations where the aggressor feels unable to challenge their intended target.
A healthier response would be to disengage from the unhealthy relationship, seek intensive therapy and assertiveness training.

That goes for you as well. Don't try to fix him.

He's 45, he's old enough to be responsible for his own behaviour. It's not always a women's fault a man is the way he is.

Perhaps I have been a rescuer in the past, but I have no interest in rescuing him.I don't think there's much hope for him in romantic relationships.I'm refelecting to make sure I dont repeat previous mistakes.I have form for choosing badly.I dont think theres much hope for me either.Im trying to impove myself and figure out what attracts me to such bellends.

Well, yeah, there's probably a connection. So what? Badly parented people sometimes grow up unti not very nice adults shocker. Not your circus, not your monkeys. This one's broken, this it back.

God who actually cares?

Stop mooning about like a daffy teenager cod-psychoanalysing this man.

Move on to someone free to give you their time

Vainabigail...I dont understand your post.Thanks for all advice.I badly need to hear it

Oh yeah, it's his mother's fault, of course. And whose fault is it that you fell for him? Is it your mother? And inflation? Probably somebody's mother.

Are you seeking to understand how a man's relationship with his mother affects his subsequent relationships? If so then I think there is a link.

There seems to be 2 factors that create a toxic person, childhood & genetics. If there is a domineering parent then a child doesn't get to practice healthy boundaries and learn to negotiate and resolve conflicts. They then take these negative methods of communications into relationships. I.e stonewalling is considered normal

If the child has a more agreeable personality (can empathise and see others points of view) they can learn as an adult to have healthier relationships. This is why we sometimes know people who had a toxic upbringing but can healthy relationships.

Today the term used for the man you describe is narcissism but it's a broad description and science is yet to understand exact cause although genetics is considered to be a factor.

I know someone very similar to your description. He appears very charming but his mantra is "control or be controlled". He had an extremely domineering angry mother and a passive enabling father - most of his siblings haven't had the same issues to his extent so his personality and how it he was uniquely affected as a child seems to come into play.

I dont want to psycho analyze him.I want to understand myself better and make sure I dont get involved with such a man again.It has taken me a long time to see the similarities between himself and his mother but they were right in front of me all this time. Imust be seriously stupid and Im annoyed with myself.

Stop being cross with yourself - this time you noticed the red flags sooner than before, and you took a step back.

There are several books you can read that will give you more info;
I'm OK, You're OK by Thomas Harris
Games People Play by Eric Berne
Why Does He Do That by Frank Lundy

I think trying to figure him out is another version of the rescuer role you say you have fallen into in the past.
You do not need to understand him, you need to understand yourself and why you are attracted to men like this. You need to understand the red flags and to stay away.
Look to yourself and find the answers to these questions and forget about this man.

Well, to start, I wouldn't bother with blaming a man's mother for his shittiness. I mean, it's entirely likely and possible that she played a big role in the man he has become but that doesn't solve your problem. And it's a lot more complicated than how his mother treated him - where's his dad in all this for example?

The fact that you can identify and recognise poor behaviour is great. New time, aim to recognise it faster and move on. You can't change these people unless they want to change and as a rule, they don't want to change because they don't think they need to.

Just give up and walk away. You cannot fix him and you shouldn't waste time trying to figure him out.

Take some time to process and heal and then when and if you're ready perhaps you'll attract healthier people.

You might want to try being on your own for a bit and working on your self esteem.

This.

And why is it always the fault of mothers not fathers? Aren't boys at least equally if not more likely to model themselves on the patterns of male behaviour they see in their lives?