Controlling angry Mothers and their adult sons.

[djovic]

I know a man who has become controlling, rigid and angrier as time has gone on in a relationship.I actually think he dislikes women.His Mother is also angry ,controlling and desperately negative and plays the martyr ,all the time.He really speaks about her like he doesnt like her.She insults him all the time.,He always has had relationships with strong , independent women but these relationships have ended largely in part, due to his DARVOesque methods of communication.He tends to 'break' these women first though. He has his sisters on pedestals and behaves like he is afraid of upsetting them at times.He is 45 years of age, single after yet another failed relationship.Is this a learned behaviour...Can any good come from this and what is going on with him.Thanks

His Father is quiet and worked for most of his childhood.Wasnt involved in the discipline side of things.

I knew a guy with a mother like that. He allowed her to break him apart from his fiancée, had a breakdown and became very bitter. Both of them put people down a lot and he didn't have a very high opinion of most women (or men actually). Both had impossible standards. I can imagine this being him now. Sure, his Mum was awful but it's his fault he let her interfere.

I believe he hates women.Except for two of his sisters.

Stop trying to figure him out.
You're hurt. Focus on healing from the experience.

Okay, again, so what? There are a million reasons a man might hate women, all of them basically the same. Fuck it, who cares. You're asking the wrong questions. This doesn't move you any closer to understanding why you might be attracted to men who hate women.

But why might I be attracted to that sort...what takes me so long to see whats right in front of me....what is so wrong with me that I accept that shit behaviour... Thats my problem.I dont know how to fix myself

So a dad who was completely uninvolved had no impact whatsoever on the man he became? Riiiiiight.

Perhaps you should ask yourself about your own relationships with your own parents and how that impacted you? Rather than his?

I have no idea but I'm guessing he comes across as assertive, strong, in control, "manly" and that was attractive t you? Perhaps he claimed to like strong women but did that "like" for strong women translate into him praising you for expecting very little of him because you don't "need" a man? Do you find that you respond to people telling you that you are better than other women?

These are just a few things that occur to me off the top of my head. But as to why you might feel this way, I can only speculate that it has to do with your personality and your baggage.

Unsure of how reputable this online magazine may be but I found this study interesting.

psmag.com/social-justice/even-women-who-should-know-better-are-attracted-to-narcissists

Thousands of women have fixed these traits in themselves OP, you're not alone.
Take a break from dating - a long one - & write your own re-training course 😁

Start here -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Then look at any suggestion PP have made & collate what resonates - especially if it makes you feel 'challenged' by it.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Communication/dp/0715654543

- have a browse around Dr Ramani's channel to find what's helpful to you.

Consider some counselling or therapy, to help you 1) understand your family history & dynamics, & whatever else might have been in your background to teach you to feel attracted to men like this 2) recognise men like this & the red flags they way EARLY, & have the inner fortitude to just walk away.

First off, it's BOTH his parent's faults. We as a society are too eager to 'blame the mother'. I'm not saying she wasn't all you said, just that his father shares equal blame for allowing it and not stepping in or leaving the marriage and taking the children.

Second, his 'problem' has nothing to do with your 'problem'. Understanding why he is the way he is will not help you to NOT choose shit men. Trust me, I know! Instead you need to focus solely on yourself.

After an abusive marriage and a really shit 'rebound' relationship I went to a counselor and said "Why do I pick such shit men and how to I stop". And NONE of it had to do with figuring out why the shit men were shit. It had to do totally with figuring myself out and why I chose to build up a 'dream castle in my mind causing me to ignore red flags and why accept shitty behaviour. Took me 18 months to get my head on straight but I got there.

So, get counseling. It can work miracles.