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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be hosting Christmas anymore?

27 replies

kit80 · 08/12/2022 22:47

I've NC’d for this. Apologies if this is long.

DS is 24, he met another at the time teenager online at 18/19, I'll call him C, they met up many times and moved into a flat a year or so later. DS moved 3.5 hours away so I didn't see him very often but they'd both visit and i’d go and visit them etc. DS suffers from mental health issues and C has always tried to help DS, C is gay which we've always known and I was fine with at the time, my sister would make comments that DS isn't gay, he’ll find a girlfriend etc.

This summer, DS was visiting and sister kept asking him if he had a girlfriend, DS seemed uncomfortable so I changed the topic of conversation and he later told me he's in a relationship with C, they have been for a few years and said he'd forgotten to tell me as he knew I’d be fine with it anyway as I was already welcoming to C and always said ‘or boyfriend’ when speaking to him about things. He told me he didn't want my sister to know as he'd have to make a big deal about it and come out instead of just saying he was in a relationship.

Usually, at Christmas DS spends it with me and C with his family but DS told me he wanted to spend it with just C this year and said he'd visit for new year which I was fine with. About a week ago he attempted suicide, I later found out he’d stopped taking his anti depressants which I didn't know about nor did C, I asked him if he wanted to come back here and he said yes, he came here yesterday and C was also with him which I had no issue with.

I'm due to host Christmas for my sisters and their DC’s and my mum etc, DS is now saying he wants to spend Christmas here with C which we are going to be doing. But DS is very quiet and isn't really himself, so I'm not sure he'd really want to be around a lot of people, C has also said he isn't sure but thinks DS will be happier spending it with just the two of us. I've not spoken to DS as I don't want to put it on him to make the decision.

WIBU to say I'm not hosting this year anymore?

OP posts:
RunLolaRun102 · 08/12/2022 22:50

No of course not, just cancel it

BHRK · 08/12/2022 22:52

I think I’d explain the situation to your family. They will understand

KarenOLantern · 08/12/2022 22:53

I'm presuming the rest of your family know about the suicide attempt etc., so if you say something like "I'm really sorry everyone but DS wants to spend Christmas here and I'm really worried about him, I don't think having lots of people over will be good for his mental health so I'm going to have to cancel" then people should understand. I'd say your son has to come first here. There's still plenty of time for people to sort out different arrangements.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 08/12/2022 22:55

Of course YANBU. Does your family know about your DS's mental health issues? Just tell him he's not been well so not up to a family Christmas and let them know as soon as possible so they can make alternative arrangements.

Keyansier · 08/12/2022 23:17

This has been posted about already on here in loads of the same scenarios.

C is ultimately bad for your DS. How many other threads do you need to be told this?

Original poster
kit80 · 08/12/2022 23:28

@Keyansier I've never posted about this before, and from my OP where did you get that C is bad for DS from?

My family do know about DS’s mental health issues as he's been struggling on and off since he was a teen although they've never been that supportive. They don't know about his attempt as DS has said he doesn't want anyone else to know so ive respected his choice.

OP posts:
SeenAndNot · 08/12/2022 23:34

YANBU. Aldo what’s right for you and your son. Then have serious words with your daughter if she’d coming to you.

SeenAndNot · 08/12/2022 23:35

Keyansier · 08/12/2022 23:17

This has been posted about already on here in loads of the same scenarios.

C is ultimately bad for your DS. How many other threads do you need to be told this?

Of course, it’s completely inconceivable that there is more than one parent out there that has a gay son who is struggling with mental health.

give over.

isitginoclock · 08/12/2022 23:39

Not unreasonable at all. X

NumberTheory · 09/12/2022 00:14

You are definitely not unreasonable to not host your sister and DM if that’s what you think is best for your DS.

If you can, you might want to talk with a MH professional about whether that is best or not, though. Suicide around Christmas tends to go down (contrary to popular belief) and that’s thought to be because people are forced to be more social and around people more. I’m not a MH professional, so I’m not trying to claim that it’s necessarily the more the merrier, especially given the strain your DS might feel over his sexuality and our sister’s attitude to it. I’m just saying don’t necessarily assume it would be worse for him.

toffeecrisps · 09/12/2022 10:40

Your son's wellbeing comes first.

Wayk · 09/12/2022 11:15

Your son’s well being and happiness comes first. Let them know ASAP that you cannot host this year.

Original poster
kit80 · 09/12/2022 11:32

I have a feeling sister would try and make DS uncomfortable about C spending it with us as a couple of months ago, when DS said he wanted to spend it as just the two of them she was asking why as C isn't his family etc so I think I will tell them I'm not hosting anymore

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 09/12/2022 11:37

I think ds is fragile right now so do not risk your sister upsetting him. Cancel Christmas for wider family it is the right thing to do. You sound like a great mum.

The family may be disappointed at cancellation and that is ok, they will soon find alternative plans and ds mental health will be important to them too.

Nn9011 · 09/12/2022 11:38

I think given how poorly your son clearly is and the fact you know your sister will probably exacerbate it you are completely reasonable to say you aren't able to host this year.
Of course it may mean they aren't too happy but your priority is not them.
I hope your son feels better soon x

countrygirl99 · 09/12/2022 12:03

Just tell everyone DS is unwell and doesn't feel up to a big gathering. We had to do this one year when DS had surgery. Some didn't get it and we had to do a very blunt "forget it, ain't happening" they huffed (it was ILs) but the world didn't end.

magicalorange · 09/12/2022 12:10

Is your sister generally a bitch?

Pootles34 · 09/12/2022 12:19

Tell them DS needs a bit of space just now, and spend it just the three of you. They've got time to sort themselves out if you do it now.

I would probably distance myself a bit from my sister as well tbh....

DisplayPurposesOnly · 09/12/2022 12:33

I think you need to speak to your son (without putting pressure on him), otherwise you are making assumptions and decisions. "Hi son, I'd really like to spend Christmas with just you and C. Would you like that?" No need to say anything about cancelling anyone else, that's for you to deal with; you're just presenting him with the ready-made option.

Also why haven't you spoken to your sister about her homophobia already? Obviously this isn't the time to mention your son's relationship but maybe after Christmas. I'd be telling her straight, she winds her neck in or she's not welcome.

(And I agree with your son, he should just be able to say he's in a relationship with xyz and not have to 'come out'. I think culturally we are moving that way... I hope!)

Rainraindontgoaway · 09/12/2022 12:51

Just cancel Christmas, keep your son safe with just you and his BF. Tell your family there is a very good reason but you cannot give any details. Don’t worry about your sister or whatever strop she wants to pull, it is not important or relevant given what you are dealing with. Big hugs xxx

ApolloandDaphne · 09/12/2022 12:58

Definitely cancel hosting and concentrate on your DS. You don't need to go into details but can just say he isn't well and needs a quiet period. They have enough time to sort out other plans for Christmas Day.

KatieB55 · 09/12/2022 13:13

Tell your family your son is unwell and needs a quiet Christmas so unfortunately you can't host but will arrange to see them after Christmas. Plenty of time for them to arrange something else. YANBU

Ponderingwindow · 09/12/2022 13:24

You need to cancel. Your son shouldn’t have to feel overwhelmed by too many people and he definitely shouldn’t have to deal with anyone who isn’t completely supportive.

ask him what level of information you are allowed to share with them when you cancel. He might be fine sharing details. He might need you to make up a cover story to hide his involvement entirely.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 09/12/2022 21:55

100% cancel on your sister.

I met my partner at 18. We moved 3.5hours away too! If my partner attempted suicide I'd expect his parents to move heaven and earth to make him comfortable and to avoid any and all bad reactions such as your sister possibly making rude comments or assuming things or even just making him feel odd.

If you want you could say your son or C has strep A or Covid. If it will stop a drama.

Do whatever your son needs. Your sister can cope.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 09/12/2022 21:57

Also there's plenty of time for them to make other plans. It's over 2 weeks away!

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