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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Soon to be divorced Husband spending milestone birthday on his own

30 replies

Sunset2303 · 08/12/2022 22:21

Hi, im soon to be divorced from my Husband, I have bought a new house and hope to be moved in by the new year. We are splitting up because he never gave me any real attention and we had a sexless marriage where I felt more like house mates than Husband and Wife. He's always been a bit of a loner but yet normally goes skiing with his friends on his birthday. In a couple of weeks he is 50...I asked him when he was going away and he said he's not and it's just another day...now I feel guilty that he's going to be on his own. Am I wrong in feeling this way? I on the other hand am quite sociable and have lots of family and friends, I've been asked to go on a girls shopping trip that day yet feel like I can't leave him alone, especially on a milestone birthday, what should I do?

OP posts:

orangegato · 08/12/2022 22:23

I couldn’t leave him on his birthday, ice cold. Maybe pop round?

LlynTegid · 08/12/2022 22:25

Stop believing this milestone birthday nonsense. You can leave him to do something by himself. Go on the shopping trip, but perhaps don't talk to him about it unless he asks.

HeddaGarbled · 08/12/2022 22:26

If he normally chooses to go skiing with his friends on his birthday rather than spend it with his wife, then he’s reaping what he sowed, isn’t he?

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/12/2022 22:28

He’s presumably spending it how he wants to. I think divorcing him then insisting he spends his birthday with you because you don’t think he should be on his own is major overstepping. Maybe he wants a quiet one, he’s probably doing some thinking about what he wants his next 40 or 50 years to look like. That’s okay. Leave him be.

Bonbon21 · 08/12/2022 22:28

Thats kind of you...

What are you going to do next year?.....
And the year after?....
And the year after that?....
He is a grown up.... he gets to choose how to celebrate his birthday.. or not!!

MyTabbyCats · 08/12/2022 22:28

I turned 50 not long after my H walked out. I would’ve been more than happy to have spent it alone but a couple of friends took me out. I don’t have a big social circle and I’m not bothered about birthdays so that kind of thing (parties, celebrations) doesn’t bother me. I agree with the PP who advised just popping in to say hello to him on the day. I think that’d be very nice of you and appreciated by him. Especially as you’re on good amicable terms.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 08/12/2022 22:31

Does he want you to spend the day with him? I don't think I would in his position! I'd find that a bit sad compared to just keeping it low key.

Don't treat him like some charity case.

Starrystarrylights · 08/12/2022 22:32

You should go on your day out. This is no longer your responsibility and I doubt he'd thank you for complicating things. He may have plans he doesn't want to divulge.

FermisLeftFoot · 08/12/2022 22:49

If he wants to stay at home and host his own pity party vs going away with his friends as usual that’s his choice. Interesting that this never came up while you were together - has he actually implied he wants your company on this day when he never did before?

Sugargliderwombat · 08/12/2022 22:59

Would it just make him feel sad having you there ? Remind him of what he's lost ? Sometimes it's kinder to just step back.

Cornelious · 08/12/2022 23:02

I'd say he's laying on the guilt.

Divebar2021 · 08/12/2022 23:03

If he’s got friends that he normally goes away with then he at least does have friends. If there’s any rallying around to be done then this is a job for them and his relatives. I wouldn’t try and rescue him at this stage.

Good luck with the move and new house.

crumpet · 08/12/2022 23:06

Why would you spend his birthday with him now that you are separated when he never spent it with you when you were together?

BatshitBanshee · 08/12/2022 23:08

Why are you changing your plans for your STBXH when he was quite happy to be without you for all his other birthdays?

I mean this with kindness, but have some respect for yourself.

Whataretheodds · 08/12/2022 23:09

He's an adult, he can choose to do anything he likes.

The guilt is your own invention. Put it down and go shopping.

GetOffTheRoof · 08/12/2022 23:18

He's a grown man. He's entirely capable of organising himself for his birthday. You are divorcing him. This is no longer your business, nor your problem.

He could also be lying to you and have plans he doesn't want to talk to you about because, y'know, the divorce.

Saxiee · 08/12/2022 23:22

You're getting divorced, it's not your problem. I don't celebrate any of my birthdays, some people just don't care and aren't very social

AcrossthePond55 · 08/12/2022 23:25

He is no longer your responsibility, drop that rope. If he is alone on his birthday it's either because he chooses to be or because he wants to 'guilt' you about it. Don't play into that.

Live your life, let him live his.

iamjustwinginglife · 08/12/2022 23:45

What are you thinking! Go shopping, leave him be! If he's been capable of arranging his birthdays without you in previous years, then he'll cope this year!!

unsync · 09/12/2022 01:12

You should be asking why you feel guilty. Why does what he does or doesn't do on his birthday cause this emotion in you? Is there a trauma bond? He is not (and never was) your responsibility.

AdaColeman · 09/12/2022 01:35

Go out on your shopping trip. Don't feel guilty.
Did he feel guilty when away on his skiing trips? I very much doubt it!

You are about to be divorced, what he does is no longer your concern or responsibility.
My guess is that he's playing the "all alone" card so that you will give up your plans in order to spend time with him. Which will give him the ideal opportunity to argue or make you miserable in some way.

NumberTheory · 09/12/2022 01:40

You’re divorcing him. How he spends his birthday is no longer your concern. Do not send mixed messages. Do not mother him. Do not continue to put your life on hold, even in a small way, for someone who wouldn’t step up for you.

Go shopping.

Roundandnour · 09/12/2022 01:49

Enjoy your shopping.
His birthday plans are his problem and a bonus of getting divorced is no longer having to give a shit or feel guilty.
He made his choices and now has to get with it.

SD1978 · 09/12/2022 01:52

He's an an adult. Why is the trip he always takes, not going ahead? Ultimately this is not your problem, and he's no longer someone you need to consider, unless there are kids feelings to consider. He could have done something, he's choosing not to.

dolor · 09/12/2022 01:55

LOL

leave him to it, he's an adult and you're not together anymore.

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