So fed up of the expense of being single :-(

[liloandtitch]

This is just a massive whinge, rather than a question, so I know I am unreasonable really! But- ISN’T it rubbish that being single is so bloody expensive?!

I’m on a comfortable salary, ballpark £45,000, I have a doctoral degree and am mid career, but I still have to be so frugal! My home is very modest, yet my mortgage, council tax (even with discount) and essential bills gobble up almost half of my monthly income. I drive an old banger, wear basic clothes and rarely get my hair or nails of eyebrows done (they all currently look crap).

My coupled-up friends and colleagues on the same salary or lower, have lifestyles so, so much nicer! Even the ones with children somehow seem to have much more disposable income than me.

I do realise I am stating the bloody obvious here that two incomes are better than one, this is ‘no shit sherlock’ territory, but I am just feeling a tad fed up of being at something like the 80th centile wage-wise but considerably and noticeably worse off than everyone else in my social circle. It’s actually hitting my self esteem a bit, even though I am a successful person, I just feel a bit rubbish in comparison.

I’m not really asking anything, just hoping for some validation 😅

I agree and what I find particularly worrying is looking ahead to retirement with one pension not two. I am fortunate that I downsized when I divorced but if I was renting, for example, I would be seriously worried about how I would support myself as I got older.

Just wanted to add...I agree with everything in your post! But the unexpected upside is the freedom to spend your money - even if it is limited - with no reference to anyone else! I cant tell you how many friends live in houses their husbands chose, drive cars they selected, have to account for money spent etc etc. Even the ones not partnered with assholes have to build some degree of compromise into things as most things have to be joint decisions. So even if you have a hundred pounds to your name, you can spend it exactly as you like, live in a house or flat thats to your taste, be it ever so humble, spend the days how you like etc etc. Of course it woukd be fabulous if all this selfishness and choice were double funded, but just pointing out the advantages :)

Cut back on the gifts for a start, don't give what you can't afford.

You surely must have money spare to put some aside for emergencies and saving towards a new car, and paying for things like clothes and grooming.

If your mortgage and essential bills are less than half your salary, that probably leaves over £1k for everything else and your food, petrol and other essentials won't take anywhere near all that.

Can you earn a bit extra by doing marking or other exam work if you're really short?

I agree when it comes to things like housing yourself. It's expensive on your own. But I did notice that anything social becomes expensive as a couple. 2 lots of meals and drinks, two lots of tickets, two cars to run and fuel. Food suddenly became expensive (men eat shot more than a single woman), ordering take aways, the two lots of families to buy for at Xmas.

But I'd also take time to remember the house is all yours, you don't have to agree paint colours with someone and all that shit. Plus if you break up with someone you'd have to share half the equity of the house.

It won't always be this tough op.

Same position here. Decent professional salary, but as a single parent of two, my salary is basically like two minimum wage earners in the household. Who would get more benefits/support. But I get nothing. As my salary is "too high" for any help.
Still the same household bills though and everyone moaning about utility bills, at least gets to split the extra costs in two. It's shit

I've just moved in with my partner from a 3 bed house share (my house, 2 lodgers). Things are more expensive now because we split bills 2 ways rather than 3 and because he eats more! I miss the house share lifestyle but this is nice too. It's not that it's more expensive to be single, it's more expensive to live alone/with no other adults.

Have a look on the relationships board or wait until 7pm Christmas day on AIBU when the threads about crap husband's /partners will start. Yes life is more expensive as a 1 but you have choices. The money you have left after your out goings is yours and yours alone. You are entirely free to marry and have children in the same way your friends are. Life is choices. As a 1 there are good and bad things. As a 2 or more there are good and bad things. Which options you choose are totally up to you but, as a PP said 'Be careful what you wish for'

Going away, if you can ever afford to: you have to pay the price of a hotel room on your own, and the price of petrol to get there/parking so that a break can cost double that of a couple. Rail fares give couple discounts.

Then there's presents; I buy two presents/cards for each of a couple, but often only get a joint present from both of them.

Of course sharing something is cheaper than having something all to yourself without sharing!

You don't need to be in a sexual relationship in order to share! Back in the old days it was quite usual for 2 siblings or 2 friends to share a home and the associated costs. Nowadays, people seem to prefer to live alone if not in a relationship. It is that choice of living alone which is expensive, nothing to do with relationship status. There's no "single tax", it's simply more expensive if you choose to live alone rather than sharing.

My mother has been a widow for 6 years. She was married to my father for 54 years. She often mentions all the issues single people on here are highlighting. She has travelled a lot since dad died and the single person supplement is an issue. However her overriding opinion is that she will never trade her freedom again in order to cut costs. My father had a million hang ups, fears, neuroses and weird controlling behaviours that she had to navigate around. Now she can go everywhere she wants, when she wants, as far as money allows. She can buy Christmas decorations he would not approve of, wear clothes he wouldn't like. One person with 45,000 ,rather than 2 with 90,00 , will always be different but it's not all bad.

@liloandtitch I'm on the same salary as you (MD of a small family owned engineering firm and seriously underpaid!) and lose half my take home pay to mortgage and bills. I have to provide a house big enough for my young adult children to have a room in a house they can call home even though they live, study and work away - their dad is in a cute 3 bed cottage with his new wife and his offspring aren't invited! And when they come home, I have to provide (lots of) food, heat, water etc so my bills shoot through the roof!
But I can do without the niceties of life for now - I've cut right down on my food spending when its just me - not a particularly healthy or sensible diet as it has far too many cheap biscuits and chocolate in it but not having a 'proper' dinner with meat/fish is cheaper and easier when on my own.
The only thing I REALLY don't like about living on my own is the cleaning! It STILL needs doing even in areas which don't get used regularly and I hate that its only me to do it!

I really understand that every relationship is different but for the life of me I can not imagine asking DH consent for treating myself. Be it new cloth, beauty item/treatment, a piece of tech and alike. We split the housing/childcare/bills etc 50:50 and never control each other spending after the essentials been paid.
If there is something in the household that needs replacing (fridge/freezer etc) we are likely to split that cost, too. Also in the process of refurbishing the house (DH is a tradesman and does it himself) and the cost of building material is also split.
Yes, DH eats more than I do (he also needs meaty meals while I can quite easily go without), he also needs a separate car plus associated costs but unless your partner is a useless/controlling/ arsehole you are always financially better off in a couple.

How much UC do you get to bump up your wages??

It's tough for single parents. But if you're single with no kids, YABU.

Why YABU? I don't have DC and it is tough
£1300 a month doesn't go far paying everything

I know it’s not healthy to compare, but if you’re a teacher and all the other teachers in the staffroom are driving nice cars, living in spacious houses and splashing out on Christmas treats like parties, the Panto and festive trips to the Zoo, it can get you down after a while that you don’t live the same life despite working just as hard.

The thing is, you just never know what’s going on underneath. People could have had the good fortune of inheritance, or they could be in thousands of pounds of credit card debt. They might have generous parents who gift things like the panto and the zoo for the kids. It’s not necessarily about being single vs being in a couple. Is there some grief/regret you feel about being single that might be driving this?

Everything is more expensive once you have kids - childcare, activities, food, holidays, unpaid time off when they're I'll, etc, etc. Comparatively being a single adult isn't so bad in my view.

Single parent here too on a decent-ish salary (but less than yours). I increased my salary recently by going full time post divorce but in my areas of work there really isn't much more of an increase to expect. This also meant I lost my small amount of UC, which I expected but means I'm not that much better off per month than when I was 4 days a week.

I manage ok while I am receiving CM from dc's dad but that will stop in the near future and I will be really stuck as the dc will still live with me at 18 and cost just as much (if not more).

I have a partner and for the time being for various reasons we have decided to live separately, which is how I like it, however I can see us moving in together sooner than planned so that I can keep a roof over our heads. Not very romantic but honest.