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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband that I'm not coming off antidepressants to get my sex drive back?

52 replies

guineapugs · 08/12/2022 21:41

I've weaned myself down to 10mg every 36 hours and already I'm feeling overwhelmed with my life. Feelings of not being able to cope with the house, the kids and even my work are creeping back into my mind. My head hurts and I feel all over the place. All because DH wants to have sex. He thinks I've lost my sex drive because of the antidepressants. I've tried telling him it's more than that... constant arguing put me off wanting any intimacy for a start. Anyway, I'm at the point of just going back into them properly (20mg) or ditching them all together. AIBU to want to go back onto the drugs again? Should I try to come off them and just be me? I have self diagnosed ADHD if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/12/2022 21:52

God no! Take your medication as you would for any illness. It’s no different. And sex isn’t the be all and end up - plus it doesn’t even sound like the anti ds are the problem.

He actually wants you to be ill so he can have more sex?

BrutusMcDogface · 08/12/2022 21:54

My dp suggested I come off ADs to get my sex drive back. I said no way! And that was that!

Footballmyarse · 08/12/2022 21:55

What a selfish bastard.

Don’t come off them or take less than you should or less than works for you.

God, he’s unbelievable.

Bestcatmum · 08/12/2022 21:56

Take the full amount of medication and ditch this selfish prick.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 08/12/2022 21:58

Bestcatmum · 08/12/2022 21:56

Take the full amount of medication and ditch this selfish prick.

Exactly this
Put yourself first
And get rid of this cretin

Stressedmum2017 · 08/12/2022 21:58

Hmmm kinda wondering if the antidepressants are wholly the issue here...if you were wined, dined and treated like a goddess by your dream man do you think you would manage to the deed a bit easier?

Balloonsandroses · 08/12/2022 21:59

Absolutely put yourself first.
If your sex drive being low bothers YOU and you think it’s down to medication talk to your doctor about alternatives. But do it for you. No one else.

Pineapple41 · 08/12/2022 22:04

Sorry OP, but he sounds like an utter shit. Your mental health is a billion times more important than his sex drive. Put yourself first - he’s certainly putting himself first!

As an aside, are you on the waiting list for a diagnosis? The right meds for ADHD can make a huge difference.

hban · 08/12/2022 22:05

Poor you op. This is such entitled behaviour. Of course your mental health and well-being are more important

alongtimeagoandfaraway · 08/12/2022 22:08

Take your tablets. Why would you want to have sex with someone who didn’t put you first? Have you lost your libido because of your tablets or because you don’t feel loved and cherished?

Been there, done that, made it through but only because it was recognised that I was unwell and needed time to heal without pressure.

Lizzy1328 · 08/12/2022 22:09

What are you on?? You need to wean down over weeks-months not hours!!!!

I stopped too quickly and ended up in a right mess!!! Horrific anxiety, brain zaps, insomnia, crying.....awful!

IcanandIwill · 08/12/2022 22:10

Balloonsandroses · 08/12/2022 21:59

Absolutely put yourself first.
If your sex drive being low bothers YOU and you think it’s down to medication talk to your doctor about alternatives. But do it for you. No one else.

Totally this. I changed mine due to the impact on my sex drive. I did it for me though. A different drug has made a world of difference but I did it for me.

Lizzy1328 · 08/12/2022 22:11

Sounds like he's the problem not the tablets!

5YearsLeft · 08/12/2022 22:17

OP, please don’t let him make you think your medication and your illness aren’t important. It IS important that you feel well. The phrase:
”He wants me to stop taking my antidepressants so we’ll have more sex, and he doesn’t care if my depression is out of control,” is no different, medically, than these statements:
”He wants me to stop taking my chemotherapy so we’ll have more sex, and he doesn’t care if my cancer is out of control.” Or:
“He wants me to stop taking my insulin so we’ll have more sex, and he doesn’t care if my diabetes is out of control.”

Depression is (as you know) a very real illness and without treatment, it can have very real consequences. You said yourself you’re already feeling overwhelmed and negative feelings are “creeping back,” when it sounds like you were doing well with them while on ADs. If ADs help you to be the person you want to be, that’s more important than stopping ADs because it might turn you into the sexual partner DH wants you to be.

And quitting them MIGHT not fix things !!! He could be wrong - denote he’s chosen the thing that he doesn’t have to change at all and insists that’s what’s negatively affecting your sex drive, without proof, because if he considered the constant arguing as the problem, he’d have to work at being better.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/12/2022 22:23

Apart from of course not ditching anything to appease your partner it sounds as though you're self-diagnosing and self-medicating - you talk of weaning yourself down. You need to get proper care and advice from your GP; you must feel all over the place trying to juggle something as serious as your mental health alone. Please book an appointment!

RobertaFirmino · 08/12/2022 22:33

My advice is to get yourself back on 20mg tomorrow morning.

Besides all the points that pp have made, there is no issue with taking antidepressants for as long as you need to. Think of them as vitamins for the brain - you wouldn't stop taking any other supplement if you needed it, would you?

Do you feel able to read the riot act to DH? You don't need to scream and shout but have you actually told him firmly that the reason you are not interested in sex is the state of your relationship? That even if you were not taking ADs you still would not want sex? Furthermore, he needs to be told that sulking and pestering for sex is a guaranteed way to clamp a woman's vagina firmly shut.

YOU are the most important person here. Your DC deserve the best version of mum too. That is not a mum who can't manage the pressure of life's demands (and it seems to me like life gets more demanding by the day...). It's not a mum who is at breaking point either and it certainly is not a mum whose brain is not producing the correct amount of neurotransmitters.

Herejustforthisone · 08/12/2022 22:33

What kind of a selfish cunt tries to force a woman to come off antidepressants just so he can coerce her into having sex with him? Jesus but that is fucked.

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/12/2022 22:41

Perhaps get a professional diagnosis for the ADHD - just to confirm whether it's an issue

AdoraBell · 08/12/2022 22:48

Absolutely don’t stop taking the medication that you need. He is unreasonable. Just out of curiosity, how are the DC and house are affecting you? If it’s because it’s all on you then tell him to do all of the housework and deal with the DC. See how he responds.

WheelOfFish · 08/12/2022 22:54

Will he leave if you don’t?

Would it bother you if he did?

Is he usually a decent father, husband and human being when he’s not being an arse about sex or is he crap in other ways too?

Strangers on the internet can only guess and project their own experiences. You’re the only one who knows for sure and can say what’s right or wrong for you and your family. Trust in yourself to make the right decision.

QS90 · 08/12/2022 23:34

Sertraline killed my sex drive (it's irrelevant now lol as have a two year old, and one cooking who is due any day so no time).

Perhaps tmi, or it is different for you, but I found I can still enjoy sex if there is plenty of foreplay - it does take much longer and requires lube, but it's possible. If this is the case, your husband will have to put more effort in, and also accept you won't be having sex as often. You can't come off your meds though, and he shouldn't ask you too, as others have already said.

Phrenologistsfinger · 09/12/2022 00:18

If it helps, I’m taking DHEA (a thing we make ourselves but that declines as we age) for fertility reasons. Side bonus is very much libido.

Also ADHD too and maybe you need some more dopamine (fun!)?

unsync · 09/12/2022 01:07

Stay on the meds, ditch him. You may find that once he's gone, you don't need the meds.

OnTheBackOfMyFoot · 09/12/2022 05:03

Of course you shouldn't suffer with depression to get your sex drive back. If you can afford it I'd think about getting a professional ADHD assessment. If you do have ADHD the medication is incredibly effective and can help with feeling overwhelmed and alleviate the burn out and depression. Is your husband actually interested in your mental health and improving your relationshiop? If not and he just wants whatever will get him easy access sex then I wouldn't be going out of my way to listen to a word he says.

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2022 05:43

Take your full amount of ADs and divorce him; his attitude is disgusting