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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think that "bad" sex is common in many relationships

40 replies

TheShoeFits · 08/12/2022 17:42

This thought was triggered by some recent threads I've read, and a situation I found myself in for a time, and a discussion in a reply I made. I think that reading MN has made me aware of lots of things in relationships that were not on my radar; I guess I'd have found out in the long run; I mean the typical read flags thing such as love bombing, ghosting and so on.

For reference, I'm not looking for salacious details of bad sex. A simple vote will do!

YABU: No, I've seldom or never had bad sex in my relationship

YANBU: Yes, I'd agree. We have sex, but much of time it's really not good, and a chore.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 08/12/2022 17:44

I’d say until I realised how to quickly stop red flags then sex was a bit crap because I was dating selfish crap men.
once I raised my standards sex became great!

Lkydfju · 08/12/2022 17:45

I’m fairly surprised when I read on here that from the beginning the sex was never good and often for the people who post it then decreases to never and they aren’t happy as if it’s something that is important to you and it’s not good from the beginning then that’s a clear sign you aren’t compatible

BertieBotts · 08/12/2022 17:46

I agree with you and it was the case in previous relationships for me.

Now I'm with someone who doesn't want to have sex unless it's good for both of us, which TBH was a bit Confused at first.

TakeUsHome · 08/12/2022 17:47

It depends on how you define BAD? For me it would be a subjective thing, so what may be bad for one couple, that may be perfectly good for a different couple.

Maybe what makes it BAD is a mismatch in expectations and desires in a relationship. From what I've seen, it's possible to gloss over those in the excitement of a new relationship, but over time it become more serious.

For the record, I've experienced both of the options you've listed but with different people. In one cases, it started good, but reached bad after time.

Bunnyfuller · 08/12/2022 17:51

Sex would be better, but menopause has killed my mojo. The Mr isn’t as lively as he was either. When we were younger sex was amazing. But I do think certainly in my generation men weren’t really knowing what needed to be done, and most times women I knew and me didn’t feel we could explain. It’s good to read things are changing and women are good with getting what they need!

MisplacedAdulthood · 08/12/2022 17:54

I do understand it starting good, and getting bad over time. There can be many reasons for that. For example, perhaps one person is looking to disengage and that is part of it and not really caring so much.

In general for me, I know what my DH likes, and try to look after him in that respect. I'm happy to do that, because I know it is important for him, making him happy makes me happy. I'm fortunate in that I'm in what I'd consider a great relationship over all so far in our years together. I'm "good in bed", but it takes a bit of effort :) (first to admit I can be tired too, and will want to skip it, or just be a more passive participant)

Keyansier · 08/12/2022 17:55

Don't really feel this at all, but my situation is a lot different so can appreciate it's not the same as the majority on here

alittlelifex · 08/12/2022 18:00

I’ve been in a relationship where sex was terrible and the in my current one it’s amazing. I don’t think it’s even that it’s just because he’s the right man for me - things that have not ever been enjoyable with any of the people I’ve slept with are incredible so I think he’s just naturally good.

Shutthegatepeter · 08/12/2022 18:00

I have bipolar disorder and more often than not I’m hypersexual. I couldn’t be in a relationship where the sex was bad or infrequent. I’m monogamous and have no interest in other people or swinging or any of that, so he needs to be able to keep up! 😂 I’d rather have no sex than bad sex. A lot of women have little interest in sex so will probably put up with bad and infrequent sex but it would do my head in.

Carbaction · 08/12/2022 18:01

People come on here with problems, so of course reading threads will make you feel it’s more common than it is for bas sex to feature in relationships.

OldTriangleRoad · 08/12/2022 18:02

One additional consideration is that there my be underlying issues that make it bad, it's not just a reflection of the relationship. For example, health, medication, ED, anatomy that can result in it being bad.

It's also not really a topic I've discussed with friends, but I have with my DSis. She is married to a lovely DH, but I know she has never had any interest in sex, but happily got married, has great kids and a good career. She's told me she just does it for her relationship with DH. While I find the thought of that really strange, it seems to work for them (or perhaps my BIL is really unhappy with that, either way I'll never know his opinion.)

OldTriangleRoad · 08/12/2022 18:03

@Carbaction 100% agree with your point. People mostly post about problems, but one thing very interesting about MN is that people often post when there is not an issue too.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/12/2022 18:04

I agree with you.
Here's my story, and I don't think it's remotely unique...
Child of the 70s to parents who did their best, but offered no affection nor love, they'd never been modelled it themselves and don't know how. As a result, got married in my twenties to someone I thought was a catch. He was selfish though, including in bed, and as per the script, the selfishness manifested in an affair for him. Divorce.
Now, nearly 50, and have been blown away with how much better my more relationships have been. I'm learning all the time. My bar is so much higher now and I wouldn't have spent more than two minutes on a date with my exhusband because I can spot the red flags a mile off. Awesome sex, awesome everything.

It's why I'm forever on here screaming LTB because I know what the other side is like, and want women to realise as soon as they can, that's there's better men out there; or no man - either is better than the bad sex and bad relationships so many are in.

As to why I put up with it? I don't know. Didn't know any better. Wanted to please my man. Makes me feel sick now.

Zanatdy · 08/12/2022 18:08

I think it’s easy to fall into a routine of bad sex in a long term relationship or marriage. I think it’s important at the start to discuss what you both like. I’m at the very early stages of a relationship with someone, not even dated for over a decade. I’m hoping if when we have sex (I reckon soon!) it’s going to be good! Or maybe I’m just living in hope. My ex was pretty boring in bed but then I reckon so was I. When you stop fancying someone or never did in the way you should, you stop trying to impress. Vanilla, boring sex, lights off, zero effort.

Pythonese · 08/12/2022 18:09

No, never had that. I’ve always been uninhibited, even as a teen, and enjoy sex just as much now I’m in my 40’s. The only problem Is we have to wait until we get the place to ourselves because I’m crap at silent shagging.

Redkettle · 08/12/2022 18:12

Never had bad sex, maybe when 17, 18. Since then alwaysvgood

superdupernova · 08/12/2022 18:27

I've only ever had one boyfriend where the sex was bad. The rest of the relationship was good so I ignored it. With DH the sex was amazing from the first time, we just worked well together. We've had the odd morning fumble where it's been "alright" but most of the time it's very very good.

Ringmaster27 · 08/12/2022 18:33

Personally, being sexually compatible and it being mutually enjoyable is a big part of a relationship for me.
Not everyone’s cup of tea, but I’ve always been one to have sex with a potential relationship partner very early on…I guess to “test the water”.
I was very young when ExH and I started dating (late teens) so I guess we learned together what “good sex” was, and what we both enjoyed/didn’t enjoy.
The man I’m currently dating, we were talking for a few weeks before meeting in person as he was out of the country, so we got to know eachother a lot during that time. We went on our first date when he got back, and yes, we had sex. It was the real, romance novel clichè of earth shattering 🤷🏻‍♀️😂 So basically what I’m saying is that if the “test drive” as it were was bad…then I wouldn’t have made the purchase 😬😬😂

coodawoodashooda · 08/12/2022 18:48

Newusernameaug · 08/12/2022 17:44

I’d say until I realised how to quickly stop red flags then sex was a bit crap because I was dating selfish crap men.
once I raised my standards sex became great!

How did you learn this?

Sunnytwobridges · 08/12/2022 18:51

I had bad/not-so-good sex with my ex. I hoped that over time it would get better but alas it didn't.

My firs BF was great in bed so he spoiled me. LOL I've had sex with quite a few men and I hate to say it most of them, to me, are not great in bed.

hellosunshineagainxxx · 08/12/2022 18:53

Been with my husband 12 years, two young kids, sex is still great. Don't understand people in ltr who settle for crap or no sex its so important for intimacy and feeling like a couple when you have kids

Grabyourcoats · 08/12/2022 19:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Crazykatie · 08/12/2022 19:27

The difference is wether they focus on your pleasure rather than getting their rock off, ex was boring at best, wham bang than you mam, my new man is the opposite, lots kissing and foreplay - nice.

anyhue · 08/12/2022 20:27

On a somewhat related thread a few days ago a poster stated that "it takes two to tango", and that certainly resonated with me. Enjoy yourself, but be aware and make an effort for your partner too. Of course some people will be selfish sometimes, or not make an effort sometimes.

For me with DH it's generally good, but sometimes meh, and very very rarely I'd rate it as bad. I find it's more about the overall event rather than the event result. For example, if DH is tired he/I still knows what to do for me to orgasm, and I can, but it just doesn't feel as good.

Aria2015 · 08/12/2022 20:32

Both my long-term relationships (including my current marriage) the sex has been good because both were / are considerate in bed and my pleasure is important to them. I wouldn't have married someone who didn't consider me in that way, if have grown too resentful!