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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my DH's possible Tourettes

27 replies

FestiveFiend · 08/12/2022 13:49

DH has always mumbled go himself.

Over the last couple of years he has started to shout things out. It's always the same two or three phrases. He's an anxious person. Goes over stuff a lot in his head.

He saw a therapist who said it was OCD? He doesn't do it in public. He only does it at home when he starts to think about stuff. THe therapist said it was like an itch he has to scratch and it was OCD. Seems like Tourettes to me though.

He does it usually going over bad stuff from the past or horrible moments in his head. And he just shouts it out. Maybe 2 or 3 times an evening.

We have 2 DC who are babies and they are too young to really know anything. And it's quite often after they go to bed.

DH doesn't want to do anything about it. He says the therapist wanted to talk about his past and he doesn't want to go there

I'm pushing him to get CBT. He really wants me to leave it alone

I think it will become quite disconcerting for the kids in the future. AIBU to keep pushing him to seek help? Am I being unsupportive and should just respect his wishes to be left alone?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 13:50

What's your experience of OCD or Tourette's?

Lurpackintheback · 08/12/2022 13:53

When did you qualify to be able to diagnose Tourette’s?

nancydroo · 08/12/2022 13:54

Respect his wishes.

Original poster
FestiveFiend · 08/12/2022 13:54

Yeah none really @girlmom21 . I didn't mean to diagnosis him. I just want him to get help.

OP posts:
Original poster
FestiveFiend · 08/12/2022 14:12

I want to respect his wishes. But does no one see how tricky it might for the kids to have a dad who shouts "I hate myself" randomly?

OP posts:
alloalloallo · 08/12/2022 14:16

Does he have physical tics as well as the verbal ones?

Tourette’s is a mix of verbal and physical - www.tourettes-action.org.uk/20-getting-diagnosed.html. My daughter has Tourette’s and she had to have multiple complex physical tics well as at least one verbal tic.

Functional tics are slightly different and are quite common with OCD and anxiety.

DD has had CBT a couple of times and never found it very helpful. I think you have to be open and accepting and feel ready to do it, or you don’t get much out of it. We were offered habit reversal therapy for Tourette’s but ultimately DD decided against it as she felt like she shouldn’t have to hide her tics

Sadly, DD has learned to suppress her tics, which isn’t the greatest idea as it usually leads to nasty tic attacks. She’s done lots of work with CAMHS on her self esteem and accepting her diagnosis and is a lot more ticcy as a result. It can be a bit disconcerting, but she can’t help it and we barely even notice her tics, try not to react to them as it just draws attention to them and makes them worse.

Breakfastofmilk · 08/12/2022 14:22

FestiveFiend · 08/12/2022 14:12

I want to respect his wishes. But does no one see how tricky it might for the kids to have a dad who shouts "I hate myself" randomly?

I can see why this would worry you but it isn't happening yet. Hopefully your DH will also understand that wouldn't be great for the kids and find other ways to deal with that, even if it's just him going for a walk by himself somewhere he can shout.

There is something serious and painful underlying this behaviour and it would be better for him and you as a family if he could get therapy to help process it but that is a hard thing to do and he needs to be ready to do it.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 08/12/2022 14:25

My children have tics and have had them to varying degrees over the years. Diagnosis never seemed worth pursuing. It's relatively common and nothing can be done about them. They just need to be accepted. As your kids get older just explain to them. They'll be fine.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 14:26

FestiveFiend · 08/12/2022 13:54

Yeah none really @girlmom21 . I didn't mean to diagnosis him. I just want him to get help.

If he went to a therapist, is he willing to see a doctor? Do you know what happened in his past that he's scared to discuss?

Does he drink or do drugs?

Does he ever hurt himself?

alloalloallo · 08/12/2022 14:27

If you’re on Instagram, look up This Tourette’s Guy.

He has young children and if you scroll back through to some of his earlier videos, he talks about the effects of his tics on his children, and how they pretty much take no notice of them.

With DD, young children are far more tolerant and understanding than most adults tbh

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 14:27

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 08/12/2022 14:25

My children have tics and have had them to varying degrees over the years. Diagnosis never seemed worth pursuing. It's relatively common and nothing can be done about them. They just need to be accepted. As your kids get older just explain to them. They'll be fine.

Tics aren't something that have to just be accepted. They can be managed with the correct medical guidance and support.

Original poster
FestiveFiend · 08/12/2022 14:37

@girlmom21 he is v doubtful that anyone can help him so hard to get him to see anyone. His big brother is schizophrenic (spelt that right?) And I think he is terrified of mental health stuff. Like he is seeks help then it makes it real. I don't know. I'm analysing him again aren't I? I don't know what to do.

He doesn't do drugs or drink but used to do lots of both.

OP posts:
Stressedmum2017 · 08/12/2022 14:37

Ask the therapist to refer you to a doctor who can diagnose him either way. Therapists definitey can get it wrong sometimes...

Original poster
FestiveFiend · 08/12/2022 14:40

@alloalloallo no physical tics no. Just these two or three phrases. Sometimes he does it when I leave the room like he's been waiting to let it out. I am supportive in the moment. Or I try to be. I ask him if he wants to talk about what he was thinking about but he says that make it worse. Thank you for sharing your experience with your daughter. I will try to not mention it to my DH so much. He says I just try to fix everything and not everything can be fixed.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 14:42

FestiveFiend · 08/12/2022 14:37

@girlmom21 he is v doubtful that anyone can help him so hard to get him to see anyone. His big brother is schizophrenic (spelt that right?) And I think he is terrified of mental health stuff. Like he is seeks help then it makes it real. I don't know. I'm analysing him again aren't I? I don't know what to do.

He doesn't do drugs or drink but used to do lots of both.

No what you're saying there makes complete sense.

Does he worry that he's scaring the children? I think the way to get help is to tell him that they're the most important thing here.

AllAboutMargot · 08/12/2022 14:49

I think this is more common than people realise.

Chattycatty32 · 08/12/2022 14:58

Sounds similar to what I do. I have horrible thoughts that spin through my mind until I shout "STOP IT"

I think it's OCD and usually gets worse when I'm stressed. Or sometimes I say sentences over and over in my head and have to shout out to stop them. If I tell someone what I'm thinking about then ii can makes it worse.

Mine is related to trauma so I'm hoping to get some EMDR therapy.

Not sure if that helps but thought I'd post just in case.

Original poster
FestiveFiend · 08/12/2022 15:07

Thank you for sharing @Chattycatty32 that sounds exactly how he describes. He shouts it to try and make it stop. He says sometimes its tiny moments he obsesses over where he's said the wrong thing or felt foolish and he just plays it out again and again. And other times it's bigger stuff. I don't know about trauma. He doesn't talk about his childhood. Lots of intense religious stuff. V unwell brother. I feel I don't know much about his past honestly. I Hooe you get the support you need.

OP posts:
SantasGrotty · 08/12/2022 15:11

I've got tics they aren't distressing to others but if I said stuff like that I would seek help so as not to upset my in children.

Chattycatty32 · 08/12/2022 15:11

If he's ok otherwise I wouldn't worry too much. I wish my partner would try and help more so I don't think you are being unreasonable. It must be hard when you don't understand it.

gianfrancogorgonzola · 08/12/2022 15:20

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, that is very concerning.

my feeling is that we have a responsibility to our children to deal with our past, in order to break any cycles of behaviour / attitude that could negatively affect them. Yes it’s hard, yes it takes consistent work. I know, I’ve been there. But we have a responsibility to our children to deal with our demons. Otherwise these cycles continue.

i would ask him to re visit both GP and therapist.

LlynTegid · 08/12/2022 15:56

One small crumb of comfort is that it is not outside the home. I think he does need to seek further help as suggested by others.

nancydroo · 09/12/2022 10:45

FestiveFiend · 08/12/2022 14:12

I want to respect his wishes. But does no one see how tricky it might for the kids to have a dad who shouts "I hate myself" randomly?

Hmm maybe I'm biased. I say Hate out loud when a bad thought comes into my head and I have children. It happens that I don't tend to have these thoughts when I'm with my children as they fully occupy my mind when I'm with them. I don't think I need help but now I'm in my forties have collected a myriad of bad bad memories that won't permanently sod off. That's life

PickyTea · 09/12/2022 11:31

FestiveFiend · 08/12/2022 14:12

I want to respect his wishes. But does no one see how tricky it might for the kids to have a dad who shouts "I hate myself" randomly?

does he only do this inside the home?

as if so you’re being unreasonable here, children with age appropriate explanations of behaviour will be fine

Submariner · 09/12/2022 11:35

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 14:27

Tics aren't something that have to just be accepted. They can be managed with the correct medical guidance and support.

Show quote history

In the nicest way, as someone with several tics, they also don't have to be medically managed and just living with them is a perfectly valid choice.