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Original poster

Please help me make sense of this *Trigger warning suicide*

42 replies

Guiltygrief · 08/12/2022 05:23

I recently found out that an old school friend ended her own life a couple of weeks ago. I hadn’t seen her for years but we had mutual friends and shared some good times in our early twenties.

Without going into details, it was a fairly violent death yet she appeared happy on social media just the week before, posting about a new job and planned move closer to our home town and her family. It is such a cliché but she really did light up the room and was a very kind and caring person.

I feel so incredibly sad. But I feel like such a grief vulture for feeling this way, given that we weren’t close. I will be going about my day and then remember she is dead and it’s like the bottom has fallen out of my world. Her death is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. What’s wrong with me? Does this feeling get better? Would it help if I knew more about what led her to make her decision?

OP posts:
alasangne · 08/12/2022 05:33

Would it help if I knew more about what led her to make her decision? in my experience no it doesn't make a difference knowing the "why". If that helps. I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

ClaryFairchild · 08/12/2022 05:37

You're affected because it has hit close to home. Someone you would never have expected it from has done this. There is no "understanding" because no one will genuinely know.

Grimchmas · 08/12/2022 05:54

Trigger warning: talk about suicide loss (fairly obvious but still).

Totally normal to feel as you do.

I lost two people who I was close to, to suicide within a few months of each other.

One I know almost every detail about, from what caused them to feel that way to [details I don't want to even vaguely talk about what they are]. I was the last person they spoke to, and everything about it was utterly heartbreaking. The other I had no idea they were struggling and have no knowledge of [details].

Once you find out details, you can never unlearn them. For all that I was curious about my unanswered questions (that's human nature I think), I am grateful I don't know the answers regarding the second one.

I think being somebody your own age, or that you have a shared history with is a part of our reactions to it - brings it closer to home. Maybe it puts our fears for our own mental health into sharper focus, as well as our mortality.

After you have had some time to heal, you might like to do some suicide prevention training, to learn how to recognise and be able to talk to people who are feeling suicidal. I found that really helper me, and I've (sadly) had multiple times when I've had cause to use it.

itstrue · 08/12/2022 06:05

I'm in my late 40's now and recently one of my friends from my teens committed suicide. I understand how you feel even though I hadn't spoken to him in years I felt desperately sad for home that he made that decision. I think about him often now.

HarlanPepper · 08/12/2022 06:07

It's totally understandable that you would feel deeply affected by your friend's death. You had a connection with her even though you hadn't seen each other in a long time. You're not a grief vulture. She was a person in your world, and it must be very hard knowing that she was in such a desperate place.

I'm not sure it would help to know more about the circumstances of her death. I liked @Grimchmas suggestion of looking into suicide prevention in time, when you feel ready.

CrazyJoPavlova · 08/12/2022 06:11

Not to hijack the thread, but I literally popped onto Mumsnet just now to ask for a handhold, as I have been waiting in the virtual crisis queue for nearly an hour and thought I’d probably have better luck over here keeping my head together. Then I see your post. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please know you’ve already helped one person (me) by posting. I’m still waiting for a response from Lifeline. In the meantime, I’ll hang here for a bit. ♥️

WeAreTheHeroes · 08/12/2022 06:13

A friend took ended their own life ten years ago in a violent way. I had nightmares after I was told and found it very traumatic. I think it was the initial shock. What made it worse was that I think they hinted at it in the weeks beforehand. I even thought that at the time, but said and did nothing. That said, if someone is determined to do it, they will just go and do it. In their mind it's the only way out and things have gone too far for them to be helped by sharing their worries.

Give it a few days and things will probably start to ease. You will probably find it helpful to talk about your feelings if you can.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 06:24

Knowing helps you to understand why they got to that point but sometimes will make you feel worse in that you'll start to question whether it was just a cry for help that went wrong or other horrible things, IME.

It sounds like this was a horrible shock that's made you worry that other people might feel the same and not be able to talk about it.

MoominPants · 08/12/2022 06:29

@CrazyJoPavlova what a lovely thing to post. Hope you manage to get through soon and what amgood idea to keep posting on here. It’s nearly dawn here, and my silly cat has woken me up, so if you want to post again, please do I’m happy to chat.

CarefreeMe · 08/12/2022 06:37

SM is fake.

The more someone posts that they are happy, the more sad that they are.

I know someone who is constantly posting photos of her and her bf saying how in love they are, behind closed doors he’s cheating and they’re constantly arguing about it.

Suicide is such a horrible way to die.

If only they knew how many people loved them and how things would have got better in time.

We all feel down at times and suicide does run through most peoples minds but it’s so tragic and difficult for those left behind.

There was a story about a young man which really upset me as his reasons were that he was so lonely and had no friends or girlfriend.
He was only about 19 and I thought it’s such a simple thing that would be easy to change and before ending it all he could have tried getting a new job, new hobby, moving cities or countries etc.

It’s just so sad that that little voice in our head can be so powerful.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 08/12/2022 06:41

CrazyJoPavlova · 08/12/2022 06:11

Not to hijack the thread, but I literally popped onto Mumsnet just now to ask for a handhold, as I have been waiting in the virtual crisis queue for nearly an hour and thought I’d probably have better luck over here keeping my head together. Then I see your post. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please know you’ve already helped one person (me) by posting. I’m still waiting for a response from Lifeline. In the meantime, I’ll hang here for a bit. ♥️

So sorry you’re suffering @CrazyJoPavlova . Please do consider calling the Samaritans to have someone to talk to while you wait if you have another phone line.

Poppins2016 · 08/12/2022 06:46

I think your feelings are valid regardless of why. You can't switch them off, after all.

I wonder whether the strength of feeling is precisely because you weren't that close at the time of your friends death. You were linked on social media, you could see snippets of her day to day life, there might have been a feeling that you might be able to rekindle what you once had? Sometimes grief can be surprisingly strong due to chances that are now lost.

Flowers
Dittosaw · 08/12/2022 07:25

We feel this way about people we don’t know, even strangers. Think how some newspaper articles can affect you.

You want to know what was going on to cause this. It’s a terrible shame. The truth is, people can seem happy but struggle with depression. Don’t feel bad.

Kissmybaubles · 08/12/2022 07:28

You’re experiencing grief and that’s totally normal. Give yourself time to work through the rollercoaster of emotions, and maybe seek counselling if you feel you can’t get through the shock of losing your friend on your own. 💐

londonrach · 08/12/2022 07:30

Op be kind to yourself...you not a grief vulture. She was your friend and you had happy times with her. I remember hearing of someone I saw daily at sixth form college and we shared lifts etc and socially daily sadly being killed in a car accident 10 years after last saw him ...I was in shock and yes it brings back memories. Xxxx

CrazyJoPavlova · 08/12/2022 08:11

Thank you @MoominPants and @Keepingthingsinteresting. I truly appreciate it. X

Original poster
Guiltygrief · 08/12/2022 12:20

@CrazyJoPavlova Thank you so much for your post, it made me happy to think that something good had come from my friend’s death. How are you now? I hope the feelings have subsided and you are feeling more at peace. Please know that you are valuable and even one person in the world desperately wants you to keep living.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guiltygrief · 08/12/2022 12:50

Thank you so much to everyone who commented with kind words, reassurance and their own personal stories. It has really helped me feel less alone at this time. I think it’s true that I just feel really sad because she is someone I cared about, even if we hadn’t seen each other in some time and had fallen out of contact. Now she is gone and we will never reconnect. If I feel this strongly I cannot imagine the pain her loved ones must be experiencing.

I gathered from her words and SM posts that she had depression which seems like the obvious cause. Except something like 9% of people take antidepressant medication and many more probably need it but the vast majority don’t end their own life, thankfully.

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 08/12/2022 14:07

@CrazyJoPavlova Just another person here checking in with you, wondering how you are doing at the moment?

My inbox is open to you if you need somebody to talk to and don't want to post openly.

Dotjones · 08/12/2022 14:18

It will get better in time. You'll still have memories and still feel sad but with time you will be able to process your grief. At the moment you don't know how to react because you've not been in this situation before, so your mind is struggling to process things and is leading to the feelings you have.

I'm not sure whether knowing why she took her life will be helpful but I don't think you should cling to this or spend energy trying to find out. Often, with suicide, the reasoning behind a person's decision is truly known only to them. Close friends and family often have no idea. Maybe there were clues in hindsight but it's impossible to fully know another person's thinking.

Try not to forget that whatever the cause was, your friend wouldn't have taken her life with the intention of causing distress to you or anyone else. That's not how suicidal people think, they are not thinking of harming others, they just cannot cope with their current situation and cannot see a way of making things better.

Holdon20 · 08/12/2022 14:33

I am trying not to go through with my plan. I told close people last year how I was feeling, my GP too, I was told I'd get help but didn't. I don't have the energy to fight for it.

I get through each day in a state of apathy except for when with my child, they still give me joy. Nobody would ever guess what I'm thinking despite me considering it weekly, sometimes more. Christmas is making it worse to be honest. As the world gets bleaker, I see less and less point in any of it. If you knew all my reasons, you'd understand. The life I've lived up to this point is too much for any person to take.

I'm very good at masking and therefore very good at hiding how I feel.

Perhaps your friend was the same?

Sorry for your loss, OP Flowers

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 08/12/2022 14:56

Holdon20 · 08/12/2022 14:33

I am trying not to go through with my plan. I told close people last year how I was feeling, my GP too, I was told I'd get help but didn't. I don't have the energy to fight for it.

I get through each day in a state of apathy except for when with my child, they still give me joy. Nobody would ever guess what I'm thinking despite me considering it weekly, sometimes more. Christmas is making it worse to be honest. As the world gets bleaker, I see less and less point in any of it. If you knew all my reasons, you'd understand. The life I've lived up to this point is too much for any person to take.

I'm very good at masking and therefore very good at hiding how I feel.

Perhaps your friend was the same?

Sorry for your loss, OP Flowers

Please reach out. You matter. I'm happy to listen

CrazyJoPavlova · 08/12/2022 20:20

Thank you @Guiltygrief and @Grimchmas. It’s a new day here, and I feel pretty tender and bruised by my own head and heart, but I definitely feel more hopeful today. I’m very grateful that even people I’ve never met care enough to send encouragement. It really does make a difference ♥️

Grimchmas · 08/12/2022 22:21

Holdon20

I can't express how sorry I am that you haven't been given support from the NHS. I wish I could say I was surprised but my experience means I'm not. The NHS is grossly overwhelmed and not fit for purpose when it comes to people who feel suicidal.

And yet here you are, making it through one day at a time. You are enormously strong, even if you don't feel like you are.

Grimchmas · 08/12/2022 22:22

Glad you have more hope today CrazyJoPavlova xx