Please help me make sense of this *Trigger warning suicide*

[Guiltygrief]

I recently found out that an old school friend ended her own life a couple of weeks ago. I hadn’t seen her for years but we had mutual friends and shared some good times in our early twenties.

Without going into details, it was a fairly violent death yet she appeared happy on social media just the week before, posting about a new job and planned move closer to our home town and her family. It is such a cliché but she really did light up the room and was a very kind and caring person.

I feel so incredibly sad. But I feel like such a grief vulture for feeling this way, given that we weren’t close. I will be going about my day and then remember she is dead and it’s like the bottom has fallen out of my world. Her death is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. What’s wrong with me? Does this feeling get better? Would it help if I knew more about what led her to make her decision?

I thought I had replied to holdon and I was confused it wasn't her but I remembered why I deleted my reply before sending it earlier today.

Let me try again.

My boyfriend killed himself. He, like perhaps you, had experienced such a horrible life that nobody should have had to endure, from his childhood through adulthood. He was let down time and time again by, well, government, parents, carers, the works. The ironic thing was that I loved him with all my heart and we were planning a future and children together, something that he very much wanted. His life was going well and just about to get so much better when he exited stage left so to speak. It's just that his mental health wouldn't let him access that truth, and his trauma from his past took over.

My message to you is that you never know when things will turn out better. No given moment is the end of the story unless you choose to make it the end of yours. There are lines and chapters and verses left to be written, and in the depths of suicidal feelings you have no idea how much better it could get unless you stick around to write them.

In case it could help anyone:

National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK

0800 689 5652 - open from 6pm to 3:30am every day.

Friendly, non-judgemental support for anyone with thoughts of suicide.

www.spuk.org.uk/national-suicide-prevention-helpline-uk/

Love to eveyone feeling the pressure and bleakness right now. I wish you strength, peace with who you are and a better way of greeting tomorrow ❤💐

I don’t understand when people think “if someone is determined to do it, they will just go and do it”. Maybe this is said with good intentions for the people left behind to help them feel better. But I’m not sure it’s a fair or true or helpful statement going forwards because it suggests people are beyond help.

“In their mind it's the only way out and things have gone too far for them to be helped by sharing their worries.”
Suicide is often a symptom of poorly mental health, so they’re not exactly of sound mind and this is why encouraging people to get help is important.

In the case of OP. It sounds like they had drifted apart from the friend, so they couldn’t have known what was going on anyway. It sounds like OP is experiencing grief and may need some support through that.

There are loads of support lines: Shout and Samaritans. It might even help the grief process to one day( when stronger) to support these charities help other people too.

giveusashout.org

www.samaritans.org

💐

YANBU. I've lost elderly family members and whilst very sad, they weren't 'tragic', if that makes sense. The death that upset me the most was when a mum at school hanged herself a few years ago. I didn't know her particularly well but she was always lovely, friendly and smiling, posted pics of her and her kids on Facebook and I never thought for a second she was depressed. I just couldn't stop thinking about how dark a place she must have been in to do that and how even her close friends had no idea. It really upset me and I tear up thinking about it even now.

I lost a member of staff very recently to suicide and we are all struggling a great deal with it. He had a known history of depression, but seemed to be good recently, was getting help and had close friends around him supporting him. Sadly, I think he too was very good at masking and was very poorly .

I think of him all the time at the moment - when it's been beautiful crisp sunny days my first thought is that he won't get to see them - that he chose not to see any more days and it's just so sad. He was young and just lovely - and as someone with young adult sons it terrifies me that you sometimes just don't know how someone is really feeling on the inside

What’s wrong with me?
You’re grieving. Grief doesn’t always make sense on the surface, but underneath we all live therefore death exists and we grieve.

Does this feeling get better?
yes. There’s a good picture I like that shows how grief can stay the same size, but over time our ability to hold our grief grows. So it feels smaller and less invasive in our minds, even if it’s always there in some way - it’s always true that it happened.

Would it help if I knew more about what led her to make her decision?
Not necessarily. My husband died by suicide and left me a beautifully articulate letter 2 pages of A4 explaining why he was doing it. But it didn’t stop me questioning why why why for months and months afterwards. Life is an incredible force - even from birth babies have the impulse to climb up to their mother’s breast to feed and live. We all have a growth/self-actualising tendency. So it’s just inexplicable how some people sadly lose touch with their life force for a period of time. In all the stories I’ve heard, and in my own experience of feeling numb in the depths of depression/grief, we can always heal and get back in touch with our life force, but it’s just incredibly sad that as a society we haven’t yet cracked being able to hold people through those very sad places until they feel brighter again.

@HardRock - the people who don't discuss how they are feeling are at the biggest risk. They plan and don't share. There's no "cry for help". I struggled for a long time because I had had an inkling and not acted on it. Who knows whether it would have made a difference?

“In their mind it's the only way out and things have gone too far for them to be helped by sharing their worries.”
Suicide is often a symptom of poorly mental health, so they’re not exactly of sound mind and this is why encouraging people to get help is important.

You don't say.

Guiltygrief, suicide is hard to process and your reaction is normal. I couldn't stop thinking about a neighbour who took her own life last year, and she was just a neighbour who I had maybe chatted to two or three times for a few minutes. I still think about her when I pass her house. Grief of all kids usually gets easier with time, not going away, but filling up less space in your everyday thoughts.

CrazyJoPavlova - so glad to hear you are feeling a bit more hopeful, and hope you are getting the help you need.

Holdon, just checking in. You are so strong, thinking of you and sending over a little sunshine from my garden in a warm climate.

I developed a work friendship a few years back with someone, we just clicked and timed all of our breaks together and made sure we were next to each other when we could for a good chat. The person left work wile I was on mat leave a few years ago and I recently firing out they’d killed them self. It broke my heart and same as you I would think about it first thing in the morning and last thing at night. For a while I wanted to know how they did it and why, I found myself morbidly googling for answers but never found any. No one owns grief and there’s no right way to handle it.

One of my old school friends committed suicide a few weeks ago, on the surface everything seemed rosy . Great job, lovely family, good looking ! Extremely sad and hard to understand . I thought about this only this morning , poor family and first Christmas without them . You really never know what’s going on in people’s lives 😢

@CrazyJoPavlova I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. A PP has added some helplines if you, or anyone reading, need to use them. Come here for a chat if you want or DM me, doesn't have to be serious just tell us what you had for lunch, or what's your favourite colour. That goes for anyone.

These are hard times for a lot of us. This isn't our story just a chapter. Better times are ahead

@Holdon20 , how are you doing today?

You are not a grief vulture. Your grief doesn't take away from the grief of those closer to the person who has died.

I had a friend do the same earlier this year. I was and still am devastated. I can't bring myself to delete his number from my phone. I feel angry with him for not realising how much he meant to so many people, even though I know that when you are in that place you don't think clearly. I feel grief for his family. But, my feelings don't take away from those of his wife. She gets some comfort from knowing how people felt/feel about him.

It will take time to work through it all. Give yourself a break

What you've said is one way I keep holding on. It's true, I don't know what could happen tomorrow or the next day. Things could get much brighter though as things stand, my future is set to be worse than my past. I'm trying.

To the poster who mentioned their friend at work who won't get to see another crisp, sunny day. The weather is as you describe today and is another thing that keeps me here.

Im so sorry for everyone's loss. I don't want to hurt anyone who cares about me. Suicide would be the most selfish thing I'd ever done but it would make it all stop and free me from what I feel like is some kind of life of torture.

I don't want to hijack this thread, I'm sorry if it seems that way OP. My intention was to give insight into how your friend may have been feeling and how it can get to a point where a seemingly happy person could end up where they were. Life can be very tiring to those who have to be strong all the time, it chips away at your soul without you even noticing. Not being here any more seems like such a peaceful option but obviously isn't to loved ones left behind.

Yes, the NHS is beyond overwhelmed especially in mental health. I hate to be a burden, to ask for help. I swallowed my pride. Even tried to find a private psychotherapist in desperation (not sure how I'd pay for it) but they're also swamped.
Can't face it again.

Thank you for replying and sharing your experience. I'm sorry you had to go through so much.

@Holdon20 Don't be sorry, you didn’t hijack it at all. Your insight was helpful to me. I hope you’re feeling ok today.