Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex, re contact with kids?

41 replies

Sparklesparkle2 · 07/12/2022 17:06

Now the weather has gotten significantly colder, my ex partner is refusing to care for DC unless in my home.

He keeps bringing them home really early on his contact days - after 1 hour. If he knows I’m home from work, he rushes them over to mine.

The arranged contact times are that he collects DC from school 3x per week, and has them until around 6.30pm, so only 2-3 hours of care, but he states that he has nowhere to care for them, and keeps them at the playground nearby to my home until I’m home from work, at which point he is at my door within minutes. It’s making me feel really suffocated - he even keeps an eye out for my car so he knows when I am back.

He insists that he will only care for them in my home once I’m back from work as it’s cold, and he doesn’t want to take them elsewhere. When I tried to explain that I didn’t want him in my home so much, he threatened to stop collecting DC from school altogether, knowing that he collects them on my working ways and if he didn’t collect, it would leave me unable to work.

He has also reduced their maintenance money by around 70% recently, despite increasing his working hours; which he knows has caused loads of issues for us financially, and makes it feel even worse that he’s trying to force his way into my home.

AIBU to think his behaviour is incredibly controlling/abusive? He was abusive throughout our relationship; which is why I ended things.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 07/12/2022 17:08

My ex doesn’t see our children at all as he only wanted to see them at my house when I wouldn’t let him he refused to see them anymore so unfortunately you may have to accept he won’t see them anymore,
personally I wouldn’t want my kids out in this cold for hours but equally wouldn’t let him in my house so I’m not sure what else you can do. Will be interesting to see what the comments advise as I was told under no circumstances should I let him in my house

Fladdermus · 07/12/2022 17:10

This is not ok for your kids. So he doesn't really have contact with them, he just picks them up and takes them to the park until you're back? You need to knock that on the head. He makes arrangements to have proper contact with them himself or you arrange proper childcare for them instead. Don't let him carry on playing silly buggers.

And put in a claim through CMS so he bloody well pays for his kids.

gobbynorthernbird · 07/12/2022 17:11

Is the contact court ordered? If not, I'd be sorting after school care for the DC and pick them up from there myself.

PeppermintChoc · 07/12/2022 17:11

The obvious question is where is he living and why is his house/residence unsuitable?

Him seeing the kids at yours is obviously far from ideal but whether or not it’s reasonable, or best for the kids, in the circumstances is going to depend entirely on the circumstances!

Ihatethenewlook · 07/12/2022 17:14

We need more details really. Why can’t he take them to his house? Tbf if he’s stuck for somewhere to go then I don’t blame him wanting to get him and the children into the warm. 9 hours a week sat in a park sounds unbearable even in the summertime imo, so it’s not like he’s not making an effort. I’d be stuck myself if I had to think of somewhere warm and cheap outside the house where I could take my children 3 times a week for 3 hours at a time.

JustLyra · 07/12/2022 17:15

Can you organise after school care for them?

Then go through CMS.

If he’s trying to be controlling your only option is to take his control away.

RatherBeRiding · 07/12/2022 17:15

Some questions - have your gone through CMS for his payments and if not, why not? Where is he living and why can't he take the DC there? If the contact court ordered?

There is no way I would be letting him through my front door so if he keeps bringing them home early then you have to decide whether to put proper childcare in place so you are not reliant on him picking them up.

Proteinpudding · 07/12/2022 17:18

Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, there will be places he can take them but those places will cost money and he is trying to do this for free

I'd agree with the others, look at options for after school care, then the ball is in his court about how much he sees them. He's using your reliance on him as a means to control you.

TheYummyPatler · 07/12/2022 17:22

Soft play and cafes exist.

But you know he’s taking the piss. It’s not your job to provide a venue so he can spend time with his children.

Get a proper CMS calculation (although I bet he’s self employed and cash in hand 🙄).

DailyMailReporterTellMeAllYourSecrets · 07/12/2022 17:25

Does he have anywhere to take them? When DH first split with his ex, he lived in a shared house and couldn’t take them there. In the winter it was just too cold for the park. At the weekend, they
all stayed at his mums.

Blossomtoes · 07/12/2022 17:27

Soft play and cafes exist.

How bloody miserable for the kids to be stuck in soft play and cafes for hours every week. He’s obviously incapable of caring for them properly so why persist in letting him?

Merryoldgoat · 07/12/2022 17:29

What do you mean he has nowhere to take them?

And why does he unilaterally get to reduce maintenance?

Merryoldgoat · 07/12/2022 17:30

I agree with @Blossomtoes

I’d stop contact and get a childminder.

MoreSleepPleasee · 07/12/2022 17:33

Put in a maintenance claim and see how much after school club is. What a controlling man. Why does he think he can come in to your home?! Shit dad right there.

Tandora · 07/12/2022 17:34

What about a local library?

MoreSleepPleasee · 07/12/2022 17:35

I agree with the above comments. He's literally showing you that he is not capable of caring for your children properly op.

Blossomtoes · 07/12/2022 17:36

Soft play, cafes, now a library. Have you got kids? If so, is that seriously what you’d want for them? For nine hours a week? I’d sooner have him in my house personally.

MoreSleepPleasee · 07/12/2022 17:38

Blossomtoes · 07/12/2022 17:36

Soft play, cafes, now a library. Have you got kids? If so, is that seriously what you’d want for them? For nine hours a week? I’d sooner have him in my house personally.

Fab he can go to this person's house OP situation sorted 🤣 Sorry just kidding couldn't resist.

JustLyra · 07/12/2022 17:39

Blossomtoes · 07/12/2022 17:36

Soft play, cafes, now a library. Have you got kids? If so, is that seriously what you’d want for them? For nine hours a week? I’d sooner have him in my house personally.

. The OP understandably doesn’t want her abusive ex in her home constantly.

soft play, cafes and libraries are perfectly reasonable suggestions .

MichelleScarn · 07/12/2022 17:40

Depends why he's not got somewhere suitable to care for them, if it's because e cannot afford somewhere big enough because he's still tied to rent/mortgage for family home then can see a slight reason.
If its he's just lazy and prioritises money elsewhere then yanbu in not letting him use your home!

Original poster
Sparklesparkle2 · 07/12/2022 17:40

Thanks for the replies so far - previously he has always taken them either to his, or to parks/cafes etc, it’s just within the past month he has suddenly refused to take them anywhere besides mine, keeping them at the park until I’m home from work feels really passive aggressive and like a way for him to get to look after them at mine.

If we got along better and he hadn’t been so horrible in the past I wouldn’t mind him being in my home but unfortunately that’s not the case, it was quite difficult for me to leave him as he was really manipulative and kept threatening to stop money etc.

I have already got a child maintenance case open against him but he quit his job and works cash in hand to avoid paying through CMS. So even though he’s reduced the amount he gives to me directly by loads, the alternative is getting nothing at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklesparkle2 · 07/12/2022 17:41

MoreSleepPleasee · 07/12/2022 17:38

Fab he can go to this person's house OP situation sorted 🤣 Sorry just kidding couldn't resist.

Show quote history

Made me laugh 😂😂

OP posts:
janinebutcherer · 07/12/2022 17:44

It sounds as though he might be really struggling financially…can’t have heating on, etc so doesn’t want the kids sat in the cold/dark. Trying to increase hours at work to pay off a lot of debt 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not really your problem but neither of you want the kids negatively impacted by it

JustLyra · 07/12/2022 17:44

previously he has always taken them either to his, or to parks/cafes etc, it’s just within the past month he has suddenly refused to take them anywhere besides mine, keeping them at the park until I’m home from work feels really passive aggressive and like a way for him to get to look after them at mine.

So between that and his financial stunt he’s ramping up his controlling behaviour.

Playing silly buggers with money hasn’t got you back in line so now he’s trying to impact your job - it’s his last tactic available.

Are there after school clubs or a childminder you could use?
you know at some point he’s going to refuse to take them to try and control you do you may as well pre-empt him.

Dutch1e · 07/12/2022 17:45

He's an absolute fuck-knuckle. I'd be telling him what time I'm picking them up from his house then sitting out the front of that address at the agreed time. If he's fannying about in the park watching your house while you're waiting where he lives then that's his choice.