AIBU or is ex, re contact with kids?

[Sparklesparkle2]

Now the weather has gotten significantly colder, my ex partner is refusing to care for DC unless in my home.

He keeps bringing them home really early on his contact days - after 1 hour. If he knows I’m home from work, he rushes them over to mine.

The arranged contact times are that he collects DC from school 3x per week, and has them until around 6.30pm, so only 2-3 hours of care, but he states that he has nowhere to care for them, and keeps them at the playground nearby to my home until I’m home from work, at which point he is at my door within minutes. It’s making me feel really suffocated - he even keeps an eye out for my car so he knows when I am back.

He insists that he will only care for them in my home once I’m back from work as it’s cold, and he doesn’t want to take them elsewhere. When I tried to explain that I didn’t want him in my home so much, he threatened to stop collecting DC from school altogether, knowing that he collects them on my working ways and if he didn’t collect, it would leave me unable to work.

He has also reduced their maintenance money by around 70% recently, despite increasing his working hours; which he knows has caused loads of issues for us financially, and makes it feel even worse that he’s trying to force his way into my home.

AIBU to think his behaviour is incredibly controlling/abusive? He was abusive throughout our relationship; which is why I ended things.

Yeah it’s really draining that he’s putting all of the responsibility on me to house him during contact - I feel really uncomfortable with him being in my home, last time he turned up and I allowed it he helped himself to quite a few things from the fridge and cupboards which annoyed me. He makes himself very at home 🤔

DC do have after school club but it would be over £200 monthly to cover the costs of the days he usually collects, with him reducing money it just isn’t feasible. I could try and reduce my work hours and leave earlier but that would take a chunk out of my income. Bit of a tricky situation all around but from experience if I don’t have strong boundaries with him he just takes the piss

You’re giving a lot of credit to an abusive man…

Are you entitled to UC ? Will they help with childcare costs ?

I would absolutely not allow him in my house.

Why can't he take them to his own place anymore?

He quit his job and now works cash in hand to screw the OP over on maintenance. Like fuck is he struggling.

why isn't he having them to his house?

If there are places he can go then YANBU but tbh 2-3 hours is a long time for the kids to sit in a cafe.

Hold firm, no he can't come into your house.

You need to look into help with childcare costs and tell him where to go.

www.childcarechoices.gov.uk/?utm_source=Search+&utm_medium=RSA&utm_campaign=CC&gclid=Cj0KCQiAkMGcBhCSARIsAIW6d0AiNR51NcKj-8LezOWEZZcBGcJQkR83NiDc1_Gnr5wktkhuHO8i4YcaAgWnEALw_wcB

At the moment he is carrying on the abuse. When you get home from work if he turns up let the kids in and shut the door on him. Diarise everything for when he decides to try using court to carry on his abuse.

i know it's tough to get by without the maintenance but for the space and peace of mind you may need to.

He's an awful, manipulative, greedy, selfish bully. That's exactly what he's doing, bullying you. He's cut your money and is laughing about it. He's coming into your house, going through your things and stealing your food, despite the fact that you cannot afford to feed him. He's basically pissing on the post at your house.

He's saving money on food and heating, by coming to yours and doing what he does.

I really don't know what to say regarding what he pays you for the support of HIS children. Do the CMA have anything to say? They may be able to investigate, with a forensic accountant.

Do you have friends, who might be willing to collect them after school? I know child minders are very expensive. Does the school have any after school clubs? Some cost money, but less than child minders.

I hope that you can get the help and advice you seem so desperately to need!

Sounds very much like he’s trying to insert himself back into OP’s life.

Of course the kids’ dad can think of other places to take his kids, if there’s still a library nearby that’s one option. Why can he not take them back to his own place? Or is it about not paying for heating etc at his own house?

I think he just doesn’t want to find other solutions because this way he gets to observe OP and exert control.

I'd report him to HMRC for tax evasion, but then I'm a vindictive woman.

For those people saying it's not right for the children to be out 3hrs X3 a week, the answer isnt that the OP should let him in her house, it's that he sees the children less! It's up to him to provide a venue and he refuses to that's on him to sort out not the OP.
Even if he's in a houseshare or a studio flat he will be allowed visitors and the children wouldn't be at risk if he's there with them. Wouldn't be ok for overnights obviously, but visits are fine. He's just playing games - and hurting the children in the process.

He's trying to exert his control because you're getting on with your life, nothing more or he'd be using the maintenance he's saving by being paid cash to take them to an activity for that short amount of time.

I hope you can find some after school clubs. There are benefit calculators so you can see how much help you could get towards childcare. He is also probably claiming benefits if he has no declared income!

How do your children feel about the current set up?

Does he have a new girlfriend at home that he doesn't want the children to meet?

I'm guessing they must be young. But do they have homework? Not starting it until 6.30 three nights a week will become a problem as they get older. They will get tired if they don't start it early.

Oh I so feel for you. Funny how you can prioritise a safe place, food, shelter and warmth for your kids but he struggles with that for 9 hours a week 🖕

I have similar with my ex and it's got so bad o told him he can't have the children unless he proves he's safe to have them (lots of reasons in my case but for you having them out in freezing temperatures is definitely unsafe behaviour on his part). Funnily enough he didn't fight what I said or try to improve- he just disappeared.

I know it's hard but I think I'd find childcare, you'd be amazed at how much things seem easier without the threat he poses being used against you. Your income maybe less or outgoings more but at least they would be reliable.

OP he shouldn't be in your house during contact on his own, and vice versa.

He needs to take them somewhere and if he can't then you need to sort out childcare, and your children won't see their father. However that's his choice.

And get the CMS after him.